Lost... when I thought I was found.

Hey loves,
So sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I can't use the fact that I haven't had time because I have. I just really haven't had much to say I guess.
But since my last posting, a lot has happened which makes it so I should have a lot to say, right?

Anyway, I'm tired of writing things like recaps so I'm just going to write until I can't write anymore.
Starting with my trip to Vegas.
I went back to Vegas the first week of December to see my friends and celebrate my birthday. Oh gosh, I miss it so much. I want to move back there, but I'm unable to right now. I miss all my friends, but mostly I just miss feeling like I mean something. All of my friends here in Oregon are great and wonderful, but I don't feel like I mean anything to most of them. I can go weeks without talking to most of my friends here and its not a problem. I can't even go days without talking to my Vegas friends.
I also saw one of the guys I had a major crush on when I lived there. He hasn't changed. He's still oh so charming. He "kidnapped" me on my last night there, and took me out to Red Rock so that I could see a 180 of the gorgeous city. My city... my home. It was beyond gorgeous. Everything being lit up. It was also at that time that he told me he got accepted into the Navy. He's greatly excited, and I'm happy for him.
The entire time I was there, my boyfriend and I were on the verge of issues and I could tell. He didn't call me once, and he only started a conversation once. All the while, my friend who went with me was getting nightly calls from her boyfriend, and they have the worst relationship I know. It didn't help.
On the last day, I text my boyfriend saying that I feel like I don't get a lot of attention, he threw back that he feels the same. Oh man, did that piss me off. I mean, I'm the one who starts 90% of the text conversations, I'm the one who shows up at his work at least once every week... and I don't give him attention. Gah! After he could tell that I was upset, he said we would simply talk when I got home.

When I got home, we didn't talk though. He made a joke about it... that's about it. Then things seemed okay. Then things started getting to me, and as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I like to go out, be around people and have fun. Well my boyfriend has a fear of being in large crowds of people so him going out with me never happens. I say that its fine, but I hate it. No one see's us together, and I know that's not important, but I'm tired of always being either at my house or at his. I want to go out, I want to have fun.
So I started going to a local bar, and it's great. I love it. There's dancing and really good music. Only issue is, I sit there... wishing my boyfriend would join. Its starting to get annoying.
The other day was his birthday, so I went and took him cookies at work and then went over to his house later. It was great. We were hanging out with his roommates and it was comfortable. My boyfriend and I were up until 5am talking... but that's where another issue kind of came in. I was cuddling up to him and trying to get him to cuddle up to me too... then he started talking about his exs. What even?!
I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so used to dating guys who's attention is mine without a fight, but I'm fighting so hard to get my current boyfriend's attention to where I'm stressed and tired all the time. Like seriously, I feel like I could sleep for days.
I wish I could talk to my friends about this, but all they say is "if you're not happy with him break it off". I care about my boyfriend so much, that's why this all hurts like hell. I just... I don't know what to do. I wish that there was a way to get things to be back to the night when him and I first kissed. Before we were dating. That night was perfect (I'm fairly sure I wrote about it in another blog.... http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-164-june-24th-2011-pit-stop-and.html )
Well, that night was a great night, because not only did I get a kiss from Gabe (our first kiss) but it was the way he did it. He grabbed me for a hug, as I said, and we were talking as he just held me there... in the middle of the street. Then all of a sudden, he dipped me and kissed me. It was perfect. I want to go back to that. I want us to be like that again. I know it's been over a year since that day, but why did things have to change so much? I just wish I knew what to do.

Found this in one of my old journals.

This is from a few months back:


                            "{So, though this will sound totally conceited, I swear it is far from.}
      You wanna know what I'm tired of, hearing that I'm easy to fall in love with. No joke. I'm so tired of hearing that guys fall in love with me.
     Only reason I'm tired of this is because its all these guys who think they know me, but really don't. They say I'm adorable, and that they could see themselves with me... this all comes before they even know my last name. I know that's a slight exaggeration but still.
     I know what its like to do not get a chance, but its hard for me to give a guy a chance when after the first time we hang out he text me every day saying he misses me and within three dates he's already "falling for me". Because of my past... I can't believe it. I know that's me being a total hypocrite because I'm one of those silly teens who believes in "love at first sight", but ya know what. I also don't think it happens right when you meet the person. My definition of "love at first sight" is totally different than how the majority of the world sees it.
     I think "love at first sight" is more knowing that there's a connection and that when you do fall in love with the person, you'll know. I still think you have to grow for the love though.
     I understand if I'm easily likeable. I understand if its easy to find me attractive and develop a crush. But I'm so tired of people misusing the word love and throwing it around like its a piece of candy.
     I guess I just need to find that right guy who will miss me, and grow to love me but isn't too clingy. Guess I just need that support and that guy I can go have fun with or have just as much fun by staying at home, sitting on the couch and watching movies. A guy who will let me be me and grow to love me for it."


Thought this post was interesting because it's still so true. Even when I'm finally with the guy I would kill to be with, it's hard for me because I'm used to guys falling head over heels for me and this one isn't. So now I'm curious opposite of this post: if I'm so easily loveable to everyone I don't want, why wont the guy who I want fall for me?



Go figure.

Recap

Hey there everyone, sorry I haven't been posting again. Life kinda blew up in my face AGAIN. Go figure. But thanks for sticking with me, I greatly appreciate it. Even though it's late right now (well, 10:489pm, that's late right?), I have had way too much sugar so luckily I'll be able to actually finish this post and not have to do a Recap 2.

So here's everything that has been going on:

School:
This blog was originally supposed to be about just this topic, my life through school... well, that changed didn't it. I guess I did call it "A Glimpse into This College Student's Life", so guess it is supposed to be more about my life while I'm in college? Hmm, who knows. Annnyway, so I'm still doing well in my classes, I'm glad to say.
The struggle was coming in with my financial aid. Oh my goodness, so beyond frustrating! I have been working on financial aid items since I started back into school (which was back in like February or so) and they seriously just got worked out and fixed last week! Phew, finally a huge weight off my shoulders. But oh man was it stressful.
What happened is that the accounts got switched between me and my dad because my dad has such a "feminine" name. Isn't that silly? Especially since you sign in using your social security number, it seems like it would be obvious who's account the information was supposed to go on, right? But anyway, finally got it all worked out so I have something actually going to the school that lessens my burden for now. As I said before: Phew!

Friends:
Oooooooh my friends. I don't even know anymore. I've started narrowing down which friends I actually tell things to because I started noticing rumors getting spread around and it just wasn't good.
So here's something I don't think I've shared yet. When I got back from Vegas, I was torn apart and really just felt alone. I was single and felt like I had failed everyone. So with that I became a HUGE flirt. I was kissing any guy I wanted and just "playing the field", and well now, the guys that were in that category in my life back then... want more. Which is NOT going to happen. Now reminder, I never did anything past kiss the guys, but now they're wanting to try to get me to do more?! I'm in a relationship! What kind of "friends" are these people? They all know I'm taken. It's seriously driving me crazy, so I've stopped talking to practically all of them.
As for my girls, as I've said, I've started narrowing down who knows what due to some rumors and gossip. It kind of sucks but I guess it is a part of life.

Life:
So in a few days (Thursday, in fact), I get to go back to Vegas. I'm so beyond excited. Though I am excited to get to go out to the bars and celebrate my 21st all over again, I'm honestly mostly excited to see all of my friends there. I miss them all so so much.
Other than that, life has been normal-ish (other than the other subtopics that are written about in this blog).

Health:
Found out today that my lovely infection is back. Whoo... I've already dropped four pounds due to it as well. Again, this is weight I don't have to lose in the first place so it's kind of scary. I'm back on medication to see if it helps and hopefully actually makes it leave my body this time *crossing my fingers*. It just sucks that the first round didn't fix it.
Hopefully I get better this time, I hate losing weight in an unhealthy manner, almost as much as I hate my body aching like it is. Hopefully getting out of town for a bit also helps with that. So please, send good thoughts my way.

Boyfriend:
Oh yes, the topic everyone adores because it's like a soap opera. Lol. Kidding... kinda.
So, in all honesty, a few weeks ago (November 18th, to be exact), my boyfriend and I got into a really intense discussion that in the midst of I thought we were actually going to break up. I cried so hard that night. I even figured out what I would do if him and I did break up because I don't think I would be able to stay living in this town if him and I did.
 He's the only person keeping me here, I know that sounds horrible but let me explain: I need to be home right now. I need to regain my strength and confidence so it is good that I am here. But I am such a traveler that me being in one place, especially a place that I spent practically 18 years of my life, gives me cabin fever like no other. So my boyfriend keeping me here is a good thing, not a guilt thing.
Anyway, our conversation: I had asked him if he was happy in the relationship just because I was curious. He gave me a totally honest answer saying that he's glad I'm his, but he has times where he wishes he was single. I totally understand that now, after the fact, but at that time... that sentence was heart breaking.
I figured out why though. I'm so used to the guys who do everything and anything for me, including lie to me about how they feel or what they think. They become my drones and will do whatever I ask of them. My boyfriend now on the other hand, isn't afraid to hurt my feelings or bring up conflict. Which is healthy in a relationship. I'd rather him be honest rather than try to protect my feelings.
So after that conversation we settled on the fact that we need to communicate more, I need to be more confident and he needs to show more interest. We each have our thing to work on and so far, we're doing great. The other night when I stayed at his house, we just watched movies and cuddled. It was seriously the best night I've had in a long time.
One of our conversations when we were watching the movie Hop:
Me: "I can't believe we're both in our early 20's, it's a Friday night and we're watching a children's movie"
Boyfriend: "It's not a children's movie, it has Russel Brand in it."
Later on in the movie:
*movie has a horribly childish joke that I laughed hysterically at*
Boyfriend: "You would be the one to laugh at a children's movie"
Me: "It's not a children's movie, remember, it has Russel Brand in it"
Boyfriend: "Of course, the ONE time you actually listen to me".
See, we're doing much better. :)
Even last night had a great example of how much better we are doing. I had been watching the movie Hall Pass. It is a movie where these wives go on vacation, giving their husbands a "hall pass" meaning that they could do whatever they wanted for the week, including act single. Now with me going to Vegas for a week here soon, I thought the following conversation between my boyfriend and I was cute:
Boyfriend: "Did your friend tell you to watch the movie because it's funny or because he wants you to have a hall pass?"
Me: "I am willing to bet just 'cause it's funny.
Boyfriend: "oky doky"
Me: "Why? Do you want a hall pass while I'm gone?"
Boyfriend: "Ha!!!!! No!"
In all honesty because of the conversation that had made me cry, I was half expecting him to say yes. I would have been so mad. But I was really happy he said yes.
As for today, it actually marks my boyfriend and I being together for three months. I took him a bag of cookies and he was just super cute the entire time I was visiting him at work. I like where him and I are now. It's a good place and it works for us.

So yeah, that's everything that has been going crazy. Hope this wasn't too much to read. I just hadn't posted in a bit so thought I'd catch ya'll up.

Birthday-ness

So I've been meaning to re-cap my birthday, but I haven't had the time, so here I am.
My mom and I went out the day before my birthday just to have a fun day and forgive each other for the fight the night before and it really helped bring down my stress level. We went and saw Pitch Perfect and just had fun, just her and I. We also talked about a lot of the stuff that's been going on and I hope we're on better ground now than how we were before.
Then came my actual birthday:
The big 21.
The day started off with eating chocolate chip waffles with my mom which was perfect. After that, I got all pretty and got my gift from my mom: black sparkly (knock off) uggs. Exactly what I wanted.
From there, my mom and I went to Applebee's for a Mudslide because I have wanted one since I was little, and to my surprise my boyfriend met up with us there. I was all smiles. We ate, I had my first drink, the Applebee's staff sang at me, then a choir who was eating there sang at me, then we went home. I was dog sitting for my neighbors so my boyfriend and I went to go play with the puppy and he gave me his gift: Oregon Ducks sweatshirt (as seen in picture). It is so soft and warm and big. I love it. He had joked for a week or two that it was going to be Beavers which he knows is my least favorite team.
After that, I went and picked up my best friend, who is like my brother, from work so he could go out with us. After that, we went and picked up pizza and went back to my house to get ready to go out.
We went to three bars. I had a Jack and Coke, which wasn't made correctly according to my mom, at the first bar. Then found a beer that was recommended to me called Angry Orchard. It's like a hard apple cider and was delicious.
It was my mom, my boyfriend, and two of my best friends and I going out. It was almost flawless other than some drama between one of my friends and her ex, which used to be my boyfriend's best friend so that caused a rather large bump in the fun road.
Other than that, it was just hard because that same best friend also acts very clingy to my boyfriend. She claims that it is a brother sister relationship, but she sat in between us almost all night. Who does that? So since I obviously wasn't going to get to sit next to my boyfriend (at the last bar especially), I started joking around with my "brother". We were singing at each other, while interpretively dancing with our hands and it was wonderful. If my "brother" hadn't been there, I probably would have had a horrible day due to my friend stealing all my boyfriend's attention from me.
Something that really brightened my day though, we were all singing a certain song and it got to the part of saying how they want a love like you, and we all pointed at different people so I pointed at my boyfriend and he smiled like how he used to smile at me back in high school. I hadn't seen that smile in a bit so it gave me chills.
After we got tired of the bars and just wanted sleep, we dropped my "brother" off at his house and then came back to my house. My boyfriend, friend and I went over to the house I was dog sitting at and slept there. That is where my birthday took a strange turn.
They were both talking about how they were sleeping in the bed with me, so I spoke up and said "whoever can carry me to the bed can sleep in the bed with me". My friend tried but failed, and of course my boyfriend did it without any issues. So I was happy that I would get to cuddle with my boyfriend all night... little did I know that my friend was going to sleep in the bed too. So there we all were, three in the bed. And if that wasn't strange enough, not only was she clinging to him at the bars, she cuddled up to him in the bed too! I almost got up to sleep on the couch.
It's hard to not read anything into that.

Then the next day, I got to celebrate a little more because my dad wanted to take me out and get me a drink, so after my dance class (I got a new student! He's paying for private lessons and I adore him! He's so eager!), I went and met up with my dad, his wife and a few family friends from church. We went to Olive Garden which is my favorite place. I got a strawberry daiquiri and it was delicious. It was nice being with my dad, he acted like he used to before we became distant. His wife was reasonably nice too. It was just all around a good night.

So that's the wrap up of both nights. Neither were bad, but I would change a few things here and there. But you know, sometimes you just have to let things go. (I do want your opinions on my friend cuddling up to my boyfriend all evening if you have any.)
I'm excited for my birthday trip to Vegas, my friend took the whole week off of work. He told me that and I almost cried. I miss Vegas and all my friends. I'm beyond excited to be going back.

Bah!

So this is where I am.
It is the day before my birthday, and usually the week before my birthday is my favorite week ever. I have tons of fun and have a week straight of glorious days. Yeah, not this year. This year, my birthday week has sucked so bad to where I'm seriously not looking forward to my 21st birthday. After this week, I'm just done and over it.
So let's recap this week:
Monday: Okay, so this day was decent. Nothing major happened. Got a call from my school saying that my PLUS loan still hasn't gone through so had to figure all that cruddy stuff out. Also, washed the cars (mine and my mom's) with my mom... then found out my car wouldn't start. Wheee... so my neighbor helped us clean the battery and jump it. It started, so we moved it to the carport so it could get a bath.
Tuesday: This was my dad's birthday. I wanted to surprised him at work with a CD that I made him and his card. Went out to do that, car wouldn't start. UGH! My mom's boyfriend tried to help but I was so irritated because I don't have the money to fix my car... so he went out and bought me a car battery for my birthday. Was able to give my dad his gifts and go see my boyfriend for a little bit.
Wednesday: Had an interview and got the job, Whoo, right? Nothing wrong with that? Then I went to work at the dance studio. Was there for two hours and my student didn't show up. Come to find out, she quit without letting me know. Wheee...
Thursday: All was fine and dandy, got to see my uncle, work at the studio was great, came home asked mom for the information I needed so I could get my PLUS loan done. and we get in a yelling match. Good day ruined.
and now here we are, Friday. I've decided to not move from my bed 'cause this is the day before my birthday and it HAS to be good. I deserve at least one good day, right?
I'm seriously wishing it wasn't 12:40am and that it wasn't super shady to go out right now 'cause I could really use a good run. But nope.
I can't sleep either 'cause of the fight with my mom. This just sucks.

Health

Hey all,
so I thought I had kicked all the health issues in the butt, but ends up I'm down for the count again. Bleh.
I have been freezing cold all day, and can't seem to get warm. Took my temperature: 99.2. I know that isn't insanely high, but since my normal "healthy" temperature is under the average, anything above is concerning.
On top of that, I'm realizing how much media has changed society's view on weight loss. Since my infection, I had lost a lot of weight and in a very unhealthy way due to not eating. I'm at my weight goal of 135 which is a healthy weight for me, as long as my body is healthy. But since I got here in an unhealthy way, my body seems to be shutting down. I have almost passed out and my appetite is gone. I have been forcing myself to eat. The reason why I say that media has changed society's view on this subject is because all of my friends and my "myfitnesspal" friends/motivators are all congratulating me! What even?!
I've explained to them that there is no reason to congratulate me on losing this weight since it wasn't in a healthy way. But yet, they say it's the numbers that count! Not even! I'd rather be at this weight, but by being lean and eating clean, rather than being here due to an illness that caused me to not eat. People these days. So concerned with being skinny that they don't really care about their bodies. I know I'm not out of shape and don't need to lose weight, and to me it isn't about losing the weight, its about gaining the muscle. I want my muscle back and to do that I need to work out and eat clean. This will cause some weight loss, but in a healthy way.
Anyway, I'm in bed, trying to get warm. I'm wishing my boyfriend was here so I could cuddle up to him, but he's still at work and I don't think he's stopping by afterwards. :/ Things seem off again.
Send positive thoughts my way please, I need to get better. My birthday is this coming Saturday! I turn 21! I can't miss that!

A little teary eyed.

So, lets get straight to this.
My sophomore year, I was dating this guy named Adam. His and my relationship lasted most of sophomore year and about half of junior year. He was my first love, in all honesty.
So this guy is why my edgyness towards relationships come in. This guy broke my heart more times than I could count and yet, I kept going back to him like a little lost puppy. I fell so hard for this guy, it was ridiculous.
My sophomore year, I went and visited to him after talking for about 3 or 4 months on the phone. When I was there, the world froze. Nothing mattered to me but him. After that trip... we were perfect. Even though he lived 4 hours away from me, it seemed to not matter. We talked on the phone every night, he would talk to me until I fell asleep.
He was always there.
Then he got in a car wreck, I thought I lost him. I cried for days  because he was in the hospital and had no way to talk to him. Luckily for me, I was able to talk to his sister and she really kept me in the loop about everything. Within a few months, he was back on his feet and back doing his firefighting.
The new years of my senior year, I went to go visit him again because we were supposed to start dating again. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw him let alone talked to him. The trip went really well until the last day, he broke my heart. I text him a few months later just to see if we could patch things up like we used to... he was engaged and expecting a kid.
I cried for days and there was no getting me out of the depression. I stopped eating, I rarely hung out with my friends nad it was hard for me to sleep. I would replay his messages on my phone over and over until I could sleep.
Needless to say, I was in a horrible place. But that's over now. I've grown. As much as I loved Adam, and though he will always have a special place in my heart, I know he wasn't the one I was supposed to be with forever.
Now is my chance to move on and find my "forever".
Hopefully, when it gets to that time... they are patient and understanding.

Here I am

I need advice readers.
So I mentioned how it seems a little rocky between my boyfriend and I... well, I asked him to stop by today to simply see if it was just the fact that I hadn't seen him in a bit and well.... it still seemed off. I cuddled up to him like I normally do when we sit on the couch, but he didn't hold my hand or put his arm around me. I don't know what is going on. I've asked him if something is wrong and he says no. He also says that he'll tell me if something is wrong... but I'm scared.
Let's get the background of this, 'cause I'm not sure I've given that yet.
My boyfriend is seriously one of my best friends and it is ridiculous. I have liked him for so long and I have almost broken my own heart to be with him so him being distant seriously kills me and scares me because I don't want him to leave. I couldn't handle it. I would cry for days. I know this is being a bit dramatic, but I don't know how else to get my point across with how much this guy means to me.


What should I do????

As I promised

So, as I said, I would post today to keep you guys in the loop, so here I am.

Instead of going over to the assistant job, my representative emailed her. I like this a lot more because not only do I need to worry about me getting stressed, but also everything will be documented so that if this gets out of hand there's proof of what has been said.

So now on to the other things, we're seeing improvement in my health today so that is fabulous news. I also have a job interview lined up on Thursday that I'm fairly excited about.

As for the things I wasn't able to hit last night:

Living Situation: So, I'm still living with my mother and things are rocky. It seems to be getting more and more tense as things change. I need to get a place, or my mom needs to get a place. I know that sounds mean, but what the deal was originally was that my mom was moving and that I would get the house we are in now. That was supposed to happen back in June, but has yet to. I'm thinking of just finding a place myself, but need a job first obviously.






Friends: ooh my friends, where to even start. As I said last night it's hard to talk to most of them because they are so critical of my relationship. Other than that a lot of them simply come to me for advice and to complain about their own lives. I'm more than happy to help, but it isn't being reciprocated so it isn't fair. I have felt like I have no one to talk to and it is driving me insane. I miss my friends in Vegas and in Eugene. I miss my friends that were give and take rather than just take.



Thoughts: I keep feeling like I'm in a snow globe. Nothing around me changes and nothing is real. I miss things being real, moving forward constantly. I can't wait to go back to Vegas, I need the escape and the break. I need things to be real again rather than never changing. I miss my life, my friends, my attention. I don't get attention anymore and though I know that I can never be the center of attention, I still want some attention. Other than that, I just need progress.

Please, forgive me

Hey readers, sorry it's been so long since I've been in touch. But here's everything broken down just like last blog. There is quite a bit going on, so I'm doing it this way again so that if there's a certain part that really doesn't interest you, you can simply skip it. :)
Thanks for keeping with me.


Boyfriend: So, I want to start here because it seems to be one of the only things keeping steady. My boyfriend's and my 2 month mark was on the 26th. I baked him a ton of cookies and took them to his work. He was ecstatic. Though things seem to be edgy between him and I right now, I'm sure it's just because we are both under a lot of stress and we aren't at the point of sharing the stress with each other yet. But it's been nice, I stayed with him the last two Wednesdays and we watched shows and he rarely let go of me. It was nice feeling like I meant something. I know here soon though, I'm going to have to explain why I get really insecure the day after I stay the night.
It's simple really, I'm used to being used. I'm used to just being that friend that gets the benefits of being a girlfriend but doesn't get to be the girlfriend so now I'm really on edge and cautious because everything seems new and I'm just hoping it doesn't break.
I know my boyfriend does care about me, but it's simply a wall that is slowly being broken down.
It's crazy him and I have been together for 2 months now. In all honesty, when this started between him and I, I didn't think it would last a month and a half.
It's hard though because since this has been such an anticipated relationship in my friend group, I feel like I have no one to talk to about either the good or bad stuff. If I talk to people about the good stuff, they seem bored... if I talk about the bad stuff it's like the world is on fire and all I hear is "this was bound to happen" or "it's not worth it" or even "break it off then". They don't get that, yeah there's some stuff that I don't like or something that him and I are having difficulty with... but I adore this guy and want to work through as much as we can. He's worth it to me.

Work: So I quit the assistant job, because it was either I quit or grovel for my position. I was put in charge of the entire business after a few weeks of training and apparently "messed up the entire business". To this day I have no idea how that is even possible since I didn't do anything new. I feel like she wanted to fire me, so she set me up.
She has yet to give me my final check though, so my mom and I are apparently going over there tomorrow to get it. Now those of you who know me know that this isn't good for me. Confrontation usually makes me cry so much to where I get physically ill. I don't know how this is going to work because it is not going to help any for me to be sitting there a blubbering fool trying to get my paycheck.
On a brighter side of all this, I am looking for another job and have had two interviews and have another one in a few weeks. There is one job that I sent references to that I would absolutely love to have, so cross your fingers for me. I need to find one soon or else I have to quit my teaching as well.

School: This area of my life seems to not change. I'm going on my third week of my third round. I feel so stuck in a rut with this any more, but I guess that's what school is. I just can't wait to actually get into one of my psychology classes. I'll be ecstatic!

Health: ok, this is where my excuse for not writing comes in. In the last month and a half I have suffered a back injury, anxiety attacks, staph infection and then cellulitus. I'm still fighting the staph infection and cellulitus, I finally went to a doctor about it and got put on medications. These meds have made me very groggy, tired and spacey. I haven't been doing much other than laying down and watching movies.
I got the back injury at the assistant job, and that got treated.
Then the anxiety attacks have been coming from all the stress I feel I am under.
We have no idea where the staph infection came from, but it started in my knee. From there it spread into being cellulitus all over my body. It really hasn't been a fun ride and can't wait to be done with it all. I'm finally starting to see the swelling go down and all the infected spots healing.
With all this though, I have seen a drastic weight loss. I feel so skinny and frail but I can't eat much because it makes me feel sick. I think after I'm recovered I'll be consulting my doctor about the 7 pounds I've lost within a month. 'cause I don't think that can be healthy when I barely had that weight to lose in the first place.

So, that's all I really have the energy to talk about right now. I'll post tomorrow about how the stuff goes at work and I'll also post about the living situation, friend and thought things that I was hoping to hit on here but simply don't have the energy to do.
Again, thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

Hope you're bearing with me...

Hey everyone,
sorry it's been awhile since I've written. My life seriously kind of exploded in a big combustion of fire... as if there is another way to explode?
I had school work, both jobs, issues with a friend, and then the relationship to keep up with. Needless to say, my sleep schedule has been off and unimportant. Not healthy! 
So now, time to catch ya'll up. Here we go.

SCHOOL:
So, I finished my second round of school. About time too, it seems like they last so much longer than 9 weeks, it's crazy! But I got my grades from my last 4 classes. Personal Finances: A- University Studies: B- Health: A Composition 101: A. Yeah, that's right. I'm rocking this college thing.
Now for the not so chipper part of the school thing. I don't know when I get to start the third round. My PLUS loan has yet to go through. I don't know what is going on and it's really stressing me out. I have the acceptance letter but for some reason it hasn't been cleared by my school. First I was supposed to start my third round on the 8th, now I'm supposed to start on the 15th... but that is looking like it is going to change too. Bleh.

JOBS:
     DANCE:
So, I don't know if I had announced yet, but I have my dream job right now. I am a dance teacher. Only down side is that since I'm still so young and I'm working at a studio that just opened... I have no following. As much as I like my 2 students, I'm not making enough to make rent. Grr... Really sucks. I'm trying to get more students but I'm running out of ideas on how. I'm trying to remain calm and let it be in God's hands, but I'm scared. This is my dream job. I don't want to lose it yet.
      ASSISTANT:
This is the job that is really starting to bug me. See, I was hired as this family's nanny, but since the mom runs her own business and is preggers with another kid. She called me up and asked if I could help her out with her business. I, of course, said yes. I mean, I'm 20, in college and trying to make a living... why would I turn down extra money. Now the issue is the fact that she has been gone this entire week. I have been running the business. I've only had about 2 weeks training and I'm running the business. Something wasn't clear so now a whole lot is screwed up and of course, she blames me. I'm starting to wonder if this job is even worth it. She wants me to run the store on Saturday, of which I haven't been trained for ever... I'm tired of her talking to me like I'm her child. I know I'm young, but once you actually show me what to do, I catch on fast. She isn't clear when she verbally gives instructions, but she doesn't understand what I mean by that. I don't know what to do with this anymore.

ISSUES WITH A FRIEND:
I tried to keep this quiet and secretive but I can't anymore. This thing ("thing" meaning rumor) got out that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Haha, right? Except not.  I was honestly scared that I would lose not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. Then when I found out who started it... I was shocked to find out it had been one of my friends. Well, I fixed things with my boyfriend, and was forgiving of my friend. Then just this morning he makes me sound like I was dependent on him and that his opinion of my relationship means the world to me. It really ticked me off. Especially since when I confronted him about the "cheating" thing, he lied to me not only once but twice. He lied the day I asked, and I caught him in that one. Then I was hanging out with another friend, she was at the party where this scene started and she told me the whole thing. Turns out they weren't drunk, so he knew perfectly well what he was saying. Wow, jerk. I don't think it needs to be said that I lost a friend here, but its for the better. I don't need or want someone that toxic in my life. He would put me down, tell me that we wouldn't ever be able to date and he puts down my religion because I believe in God. I mean, my boyfriend isn't sure he believes in God, but he's still okay that I am strong in my faith.

as for the BOYFRIEND:
Things are getting better between him and I. He took me out last night, and he wouldn't tell me where we were going for dinner. Ends up he greatly spoiled me by taking me to Olive Garden. Which is seriously the love of my stomach's life. After that we hung out for a bit, cuddled and talked. I told him about my emotional disorder and he actually was really supportive and okay with it. I was shocked. Usually when people find out about it, they tend to back off. But he almost held me closer. It was a nice change. It was at that point that I knew this relationship was worth working at. 

As for me in general? Well, I'm currently injured. Which sucks. I hurt my lower back at the assistant job by tripping over the stupid cat. I caught myself luckily, but it racked my back out pretty good so I'm going to physical therapy to try to get it better. Other than that, I'm stressed, sleep deprived, and barely have time to eat. This isn't healthy, and it's all due to the assistant job because the woman wants me to dedicate my life to it, and I refuse.
Stay positive, you guys. I know it's hard, trust me I know. But the toxic people don't belong, the supportive people are the ones who need to stay. Figure out who/what is worth working at/for/with... and forget the rest. And above all (this is the one I need to focus on), remember to remember yourself at least once a day. Not only to remember who you are, but to keep yourself healthy. I know that society today does a number on a person's mind and self image, as well as confidence. But you are beautiful as you.

Why is E.E. Cummings so smart?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  ~E.E. Cummings

So I'll admit, lately I haven't been myself.
I've been hiding behind my work, my schooling and my dancing. I've been trying to stay out of the drama and out of the spotlight. But it found me today.
I feel like all this happened because I wasn't being true to who I am. I'm not the girl who puts my friends off and doesn't try to see them as much as I can. I'm not the girl who takes everything so seriously that nothing is enjoyable. I like laughing, I like smiling.
I am sorry to everyone that I have put off or anything, but I promise... I'm back to being me. I know it's hard to stick to my true self, but I've done it for years. I can't fall back into my old habits, and I can't fall into new ones.
I refuse to hurt more people that I care about, instead, I'm going to focus on mending what I have broken.
Thank you for sticking with me you guys. I adore you all.

You can't say I'm not bullheaded.

So, as my evening draws to an end, and as cruddy as this evening/night has been... I have to say... I just had a very uplifting feeling.
I can achieve whatever goal I actually want, if I put my mind to it.
Most of these thoughts are coming from the fact that I had teachers tell me at UNLV that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my dancing because I wasn't good enough, now I'm a dance teacher. Then when I got injured at UNLV my doctor said that if I didn't wear my cast through at least February of 2011 and go to Physical Therapy at least three times a week, that the chances of me ever dancing (let alone tapping) were practically down the drain. Yet, I took my boot off December of 2010 and am actually keeping up in my intermediate/advanced tap class and am dancing three nights almost every week. And then starting in October, I'll be dancing Monday through Friday. Though this thought scares me due to the words of my teachers and doctor, I think I've proven to myself that I can do this and that they were wrong.
I can do this. I'm a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. For the longest time I wondered if I had purposefully willed myself to get injured at UNLV so I could come home. I'm sure that thought will haunt me the rest of my life, but for tonight, I know I didn't do it. I just wasn't meant to be there at that point in my life. I was meant to come back to Oregon and do everything that I have done. I have found a second path for my life that will probably be more secure than my dancing (child psychology) and I have built up my resume. I have failed, fallen and have had to rise again because there wasn't any other option. I'm ready to go back now and fight. Maybe not at UNLV, but I'm ready to continue my major in dance after I get my minor taken care of. I will go back to Vegas, and I will get my major. But this time, I'll wait till I know it's time.
Keep your head up, loves. You can do it.

On the verdge of tears

I hate feeling like this just a few days after my last blog and I was so chipper and happy. Now it feels like that happiness is shot to hell.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:
Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.

A little more optimistic... who wouldn't be?

Hey everyone,
Sorry that I haven't really posted in a few days, but it's been a little crazy on my end.
This last Saturday (8/25) , I was in my dad's wedding. Most of my family came up here to help celebrate so I was busy running around trying to be there for my dad (mainly because I was best WOman).
That's the thing, I know I don't have a great or even good relationship with my dad, but I'm still trying because I don't want things to end up worse than what they are. I've seen my sister and her dad, and they don't even talk anymore... I don't think I could be strong enough to not talk to my dad as much as him and I don't get along or respect each other. He's still my dad.
With that though, I really felt alone because I didn't have anyone to really talk to about everything that I was feeling about the wedding. Luckily my best upon best friend was able to show up and keep me sane. I love her for it so much that I don't think she will ever fully understand. She made the entire day so much better and more liveable. So, though I don't know if she still reads my writing, I'd like to thank her for always being the best friend I could ever ask for.

Now for what this post is really about: the lovely "love" life.
So, it is NO secret at all that I have liked the same guy since about Junior year in high school (possibly before that, can't really remember). We became really close friends and we both knew how the other felt but everything just seemed to make a relationship impossible. Being told that there was never any chance tore me so apart that I finally wrote him a letter saying how I felt. That blew up in my face and we ended up not talking for about six months. Worse six months of my life since he is seriously one of my best friends.
Well, once him and I started talking again, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't ever talk about him and I as being more than friends. Figured I would rather have him in my life than out of it.
A few weeks ago we were talking and he asked me to hang out with him. Of course, I said yes and I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of that day. With this, my hopes started to build a little bit hoping that maybe I'm finally getting a chance. But after that day, every plan that was made kept falling through and my hopes of anything were crushed. Since I didn't see any point in letting my hopes build up more I started going out on small dates with a different guy. It was great and he treated me amazingly... till I got a text saying that he had re-met up with someone from high school and they decided to pursue a relationship. Well, crap. Then I was by myself again.
A few nights ago, I decided to stop by my friend's (first guy) work to bug him... like I normally do. I ran and got him lunch and we made plans to hang out the next day (which, was yesterday the 28th) after he got off work. I was excited and a little nervous but I was trying to think nothing of it because we are friends.
Now we're to yesterday, he came over after work, like he said he would and we ate some pizza and attempted to watch a movie (the DVD player was being stubborn and wouldn't let the disk play), so instead we talked and cuddled like we often do.
I asked what was on his mind and he mentioned that he had said we were dating and that he didn't think I understood or caught it. I told him that it could mean a lot of things and then explained that it could mean casual dating (where you can still see other people) or it could mean dating as in a relationship. He said to go with the second one.
So yeah, I know the last post was saying how dreams don't come true... but this is the guy that drives the truck I was waiting for... and now... we're dating.

Too bad there's no such thing as...

Why am I expected to be okay with everything that is going on? Is it such a bad thing that I'm not? I have a ton of things going on that I have no other option than to be okay with it but when I'm not okay with just one thing it stresses others out or makes them uncomfortable.
I'm 20 years old and haven't lived under a parent's reign for 2 years. Why should I be okay with being back? I'm dealing with it and that's as good as I can do. I am sorry if that isn't good enough for you but it's rude to ask for more than what I am capable of.
The real reason I even moved back was because I'm scared to death. I know I can't fail very easily here. I have safety nets and padding all around me. I can't fall here. Where as, if I go somewhere I want to and feel like I belong... I'm vulnerable. I could and would fail at least once in everything I tried. I already have but for where I want my life to go next... failing is my biggest fear.
I want to leave Oregon and never turn back. Last time I left with baggage that brought me back, the next time I leave... I want it to be with no regrets. I know I am not at that point yet... which is why I haven't left. As proof of how I know I can't leave without regrets: as I sit out in my driveway writing this... I keep stopping to look down the street in hopes that I see his truck....
Too bad there's no such thing as a "dream come true".

Dual posting... with a little about some collegeness.

Rant 1:
Me: ".... can I just say that I'm scared..."

Friend: "About *guy*?"
Me: "majorly..."
Friend: "Oh my god!!!!!! Have you seen the photo that syas " So you still think homosexuality is sinful?"

Waaaait a minute... why can't it be about me for once? I don't get a chance to express how I feel? I listen to so many of my friend's problems but then when I finally speak up and say that I'm having an issue it gets ignored until they choose it's time to talk about it?! I'm so done with this crap. I don't deserve this. I listen to the same problem over and over for years on end from the same people, but then when I mention that I'm nervous or scared about something then it just gets passed over. Ugh. I'm so tired of these people who are my so called friends treating me like this. At least I know who my real friends are. Thanks for that.


Rant 2:
I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I have waited for a chance with this guy for a few years now and... now I'm scared. 'cause what if I get the chance and things work out? I know I'd be happy... What if he is just giving me the chance because he knows it's what I want? If I found that out, I'd be heart broken. And then what if... what if I don't get a chance at all and all this is, is simply a glimmer?
I can't handle being hurt anymore...
I'm so scared 'cause I've wanted this for so long. I'm scared to believe it and have it taken from me, but I'm scared to ignore it and miss my chance. But then on top of all of that... I'm scared to get hurt like I have been while waiting.
I'm so used to hearing that there isn't a chance, so now what am I supposed to think?



Collegeness:
I finished my first week of the second round. I'm happy to report that I finished the first week with perfect scores on my papers and in participation. YAY! Go me!
Also, I'm able to win 5,500 dollars in scholarship! Ooo, if only I would get so lucky! Send good vibes my way, please and thank you!

A little more optimistic

So, compared to the last time I wrote, things are looking up a little bit.
I'm still having the problems with family, and now we can add guys on top of that (which I'll hit on in a moment) but I am back in school.
I am just completing my first week of round 2 of my classes and though it is stressful since I'm self reliant for online schooling. It feels good to know that my life is still moving forward and I'm not totally stuck in a rut.
Thanks to all who messaged me or commented on my last post, seeing that people actually read what I write and care to talk to me or give me some encouraging words... or even just let me know I'm not alone... it really does help and I adore each of you for everything you've said.

As for the guys:
It seems like every guy I've had feelings for lately, ends up liking one of my friends. It really kind of sucks, but what I try to keep in mind is that if they like my friend, every person deserves to be happy. I don't need a guy to make me happy, I'm in control of my own happiness.

Also, I start dance next month. Super excited. I'll be taking Jazz Hiphop, Tap and maybe Ballet. There is no expressing how excited I am about this.

Thank you for listening, understanding and talking to me everyone. It really helps motivate me.

It'll happen

So, I haven't posted because there's been nothing to write but there's been way too much going on.
Let's start with the non-related parts of this:
I finally moved away from Eugene and have moved back to Medford. Though I dislike this town with a passion, I feel it is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I ran away from a lot of problems when I left here about two years ago, and those problems have been following me since. It's time that I face them and fix them.
I had to quit all my jobs, pack and move. I moved back in with my mom till it's time for us to part ways again. It's been stressful, but I don't want to fight with anyone anymore. I've expressed that I haven't felt supported by anyone since I left this town and feel it even less now than I ever have. I know hearing that hurt her, but it's about time I finally speak my truth rather than staying quiet to protect others, which in turn just hurts me.
I've also expressed that I feel the need to either go see a psychologist or get heavy duty back into dance. In one way or another, I know I need therapy. This is becoming more evident as the days pass because I know that I'm not okay, emotionally or mentally. But I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems, nor do I think I can actually bring myself to talk about some of my "issues".
With all of that, it hasn't helped that I'm struggling to find a new job, which is also causing me to struggle with money. Everyone around (adults in my life... meaning my parents and their significant others) have been "picking on me" about not being independent and having to pay for stuff (like food and my dad still helps me out with my rent)... I'm really starting to tear myself apart due to this "teasing" because I was on my own for two years, give or take, and I feel like a failure for having to be back to having my parents help support me. Sad thing is, I've felt this since before I moved back because I knew it was going to be like this, and yet, no one knows that I feel like this. I know one of these times, someone will "tease" me and I'll finally just snap... and it isn't going to be pretty.
I'm excited to start dancing again though, I've been back to the ballroom twice and oh goodness how I've missed dancing. Though I can tell my endurance, strength and patience within myself has gone down greatly. But dance season starts soon and I'm hoping to be able to take tap, hiphop and hopefully either jazz or ballet. But I'll know more about that as fall approaches.
As for my friends, I'm sure they are fine. I am so used to them being crazy to see me, that when I got here and no one jumped the gun to come see me. I've been home for a month and a few days and I've only seen about eight friends, most of which were for short periods of time due to me stopping and bugging them at work. This kind of ties into the fact that I feel like I have little to no support because not even my friends seem to want to stop in and make sure that I'm okay, or even just hang out.
Now for the school part:
I haven't been in school for months due to Phoenix being stupid and not figuring out my paperwork. I finally have it all turned in to my knowledge, I got a call saying that I should be starting classes again here soon. But then a few days after that call I got another call from my financial adviser saying that my paperwork wasn't turned in. I'm getting SO BEYOND discouraged that I'm close to quitting again. I know I can't, but I'm so on the verdge of it that it's not even funny.

So, hopefully all of it will figure itself out. It has to. It'll happen... I hope.

How's it going?

So, I am into week 8 of 9 in my classes.
Foundations of Personal Finance: 93.6%
Introduction to University Studies: 94.25%

I feel awesome due to this. Next week is finals, then I have a few weeks off before I start my next set which is Principles of Health and Wellness and University Composition and Communication 1. I'm rather excited, though I have had some major complications. Hopefully all of those got worked out though.


As for a more personal level:
Life has been strange. I am still moving back to Medford, but it might end up just being for the summer. I have a boyfriend now, he lives in Eugene (he isn't the reason I would move back here) and his name is James. We started dating on the 11th, and honestly, he is the most amazing guy I can ever imagine. He is 22 and I don't know. Everything just clicks with him and I.
The story is: Sophie and I went to Sharis one night and James was our waiter, I thought he was really cute and just charming, so I wrote my number on a napkin. Never heard from him. But anytime I went back, I thought of him. Then on the 10th, Sophie, Patrick and I went on a late night Sharis run, and from the car we saw that he was there. It wasn't till I noticed that he kept looking at me that I decided to leave my number one more time, this time he text me. We hung out the next day and everything just clicked.
I told him that I'll be moving back to Medford for the summer, and he understood. We're going to make it work.
Today will actually be the first day this week that I haven't seen him.

So now, I'm waiting for it to be about 5:50 or so, 'cause I'm going out to Dorena to stay the night at Sophie's dad's house out in the country. I really need to just escape and not be easily accessed. I need time to talk to Soph and just not have the distraction of everything else in the world. I'm excited, though I wont like not being able to talk to James. Lol.

Great... all my dreams keep going up in flames.

So you know how I said a few days ago that it seemed everything was falling into place with school: scratch that. I got a call today with my adviser mad at me because now I have to get two papers signed by my father or else I can't do my next set of classes that starts on the 25th.
Why does it seem like once I finally start getting what I want it all goes up in flames?! I honestly feel like I'm just not meant to do this anymore, I'm so tired of getting torn apart time after time. I know, whatever, "it's part of life" but seriously?! My dream was to become an amazing dance teacher like the one I had, then I get injured and am forced to quit school due to it. After I move away from a town I had fallen in love with I find out that there is now this large sum of money that I owe.
Then I get stuck living in a town I hate and can't wait to get out of, but I figured I should be the optimist that I am and figure out ways to make it better so I get jobs that I adore and I get back into school for a degree that I have a new found passion for: psychology.
I was finally doing well in school, and now I'm practically being forced to take a leave of absence because I can't get two papers signed by my dad before my classes start.
It isn't my fault that I'm broke and don't have a printer and scanner, nor is it my fault that my dad isn't tech savvy enough to have his own computer, printer and scanner. Why am I the one being punished for this?! Why can't I finally just be in school and getting a degree?! Am I not supposed to? Am I just supposed to give up at this point, because one more push towards that cliff and I'll cry Uncle and give up.
I feel crushed. I feel torn apart. and worse, when I tried to talk to my mom about it, all I could feel was like she was blaming me for this.
I don't have the time to go down to the library and figure out how to do all of this crap, nor do I even know where a library is in this stupid town. I don't have the money to go get a printer and scanner. I don't have anything to where I can do this myself and I'm sorry for that but it isn't my fault.
But I sure feel like it is....

I Am A Dancer

Oh my goodness, I'm seriously about to cry right now. After a hard day at work, I went and checked the mail. I got a letter from my student loan stuff saying that it has finally gone through that I am a student everything is in order for me to get my loans and scholarships. Then there was also a letter from World Poetry Movement. My poem "I'm A Dancer" has been selected for the International Open Poetry Contest, I am now a semi-finalist. It has also been selected to be published in the book Stars In Our Hearts, if I give permission.
Then to add on to the great news, my financial adviser from Phoenix called and everything is finally in order so that the school can now receive my scholarships.
I am seriously rather close to tears right now.




"I am a dancer.
I wonder what the audience sees.
I hear my cue to come on stage.
I see my partner in the other wings.
I want that trophy and applause.
I am a dancer.
I pretend that I can dance when I'm hurt.
I feel the spotlight on my face.
I touch the stage with my toes.
I worry about messing up.
I cry when I feel like I'm the reason.
I am a dancer.
I understand stage directions.
I say I can do it all.
I dream about taking that stage.
I try to not fall.
I hope my instructors are proud.
I am a dancer. "

I wrote this poem a long time ago, and I turned it in to a writing contest. I am now a semi finalist. This is insane.

More than half way done with the first round

Out of my nine weeks in my first set of classes, I just finished week five. I can't believe I've already been back in school for over a month.
I also can't believe how well it is going. In my Foundations of Personal Finance class I have a 94.38% and in my Introduction to University Studies I have a 93.1%.
I know people belittle online schooling by a lot, saying it is easier than an on campus school, but you know what... I have now experienced both. And they are equal to each other.
While at UNLV, yes, I had more classes but I also lived on campus so that there was something there that made me feel the need to go to class. With Phoenix, it is dependent on me. I have to make myself sit down and clock my hours and do my work. The work is the same, the grading is the same. Only difference is that one I can do at home or anywhere I can take my laptop where the other I have to get my butt out of bed and attend a class.
This isn't saying that online is a lot easier, in fact it is more challenging for me, which is probably why I am doing so much better at it. I have to make time to do my work and participate. There is nothing that makes me go to class, except me. I know it is my responsibility to sign on and get the work done.
I'm more than half way done with my first set of classes and I'm beyond nervous to see where all of this goes.
I'm going to be emailing my adviser and asking her to switch my degree to my Bachelors rather than an Associates. I feel like this is a smart move, but I think it's going to be really stressful.

Almost home.

So, today, well... technically yesterday... everything in the apartment finally just snapped.
You see, I clean a lot. I will never say that I'm the only one who does stuff, but I do clean a lot. I clean the kitchen from top to bottom, the living room, bathroom and my room. While cleaning, I tend to clean up after my roommates, and I have been feeling taken advantage of for the last few months while doing this. So today, I have decided to pick up after myself, and myself only. I have been doing only my dishes and putting them in the dishwasher, and have only been picking up my things and putting them where they belong.
Now, I don't mind cleaning, I enjoy it actually. But once I start getting treated like these boy's mothers/maid, I draw the line. When it is expected of me to clean all the time, I'm not going to do it. I am not dating these boys, they don't pay me to clean and I am not their mother, so I've decided I'm done. They need to grow up. I will admit, they do sometimes do the dishes. But I haven't seen them get down on their hands and knees and scrub the floor, walls, counters and stove top. Heck! I've even cleaned the burners and inside the oven a few times!
So to add to this, one of them decided to start talking about me to one of his friends and saying how he hates when I "get like this". By "get like this", the only thing that has changed is that I'm done acting like it's okay that they are walking all over me. I've finally stood up and put my foot down. He doesn't like it. Boo-hoo. He also made the comment that he is the only one who does the dishes in this house.
So, needless to say, I got mad. Grabbed my friend and we went for a long drive. Found ourselves chilling in the parking lot of the mall while I vented and talked to a few friends who I needed to hear from and then we drove for a little more before I came home. I now have this friend on stand by so that she knows if I call her at night, it means I'm coming over.
This isn't a healthy living situation at all, I don't even feel safe or comfortable in my own apartment unless I'm in my room with my door locked. This is pathetic. I feel beaten, I feel bruised, but I will not let him tear me down. I have done that for too many years now, and I'm done with it. I don't deserve it.

Expect the unexpected and don't close any doors.

So, you wanna know what's nice? Hearing that I'm nice, sweet, cute, beautiful and amazing. I've been told this every day for almost the past week, and I'm starting to believe it.
I think the best part of this has to do with the title of this blog, so here's the explanation:
Those of you who read this who knew me in high school know that I wasn't popular or the prettiest, but I didn't care. I had a great group of friends and was usually dating someone who didn't go to our school (I.E Adam, Derrik, Scott). Now, though it didn't bother me to not be popular, it doesn't mean I didn't wonder what it would be like. To have everyone think you were pretty and to date whoever you wanted. Sure, I was curious but I was still happy with what I had and who I was.
Now, I've been out of high school for 2 years and I kinda reconnected with a guy who went to high school with me. We've been hitting it off and we're starting to like each other. He's been the one telling me that I'm beautiful and sweet and everything.
The funny thing is, in high school, he was part of that "popular" crowd.
I still don't know how I feel about this. We're going to hang out next time I'm in town, and thought it is 18 days away, I'm beyond nervous.
He is nothing like what I expected someone who belonged to that crowd to be. He's actually really sweet. I can't decide what to do. I'm so confused because I never expected something like this to happen in my life.

Week one: down for the count! Winner: CARLY *and the crowd goes wild!!*

So, I completed my first week of University of Phoenix on Sunday. I got a 97/100 in one of my classes and still awaiting to hear about my second.
So far, I am loving being back in school, though it kinda sucks not being like IN a school. The downfalls of online schooling, I guess. But I am still seeing where it is just going to benefit me in the long run. I mean for one, most people there are a bit older than me and I don't really have to worry about hanging out with my "school friends" which gives me more time to get stuff done.

On a personal level of life:
Ben and I aren't really talking much. He has a girlfriend now, and he had to choose between her or me. Obviously he chose her. It's whatever.
I'm still planning on moving back to my hometown in a month or two. Devin is possibly going to be one of my roommates which could either be good or bad. Only time will tell.
I have an interest in a guy that I graduated high school with, and honestly never thought I would ever have a chance with. But we talk daily and he's actually really sweet and finds me pretty.
So, life is going to get interesting here soon. A lot is going to be happening, and lets just hope that I can keep up.

Keep reading, I'll be posting weekly at least!

A little stressed

So, I know this post pretty much has nothing to do with school, but ya know what... ya'll can deal. Are you really here to read about my classes, or what is going on with my life? Yeah, that's what I thought. So, just like a normal female... I've been having silly boy issues.
Okay, I asked him "What are you thinking about us and what are you wanting"

He said: "To be completely honest, not entirely sure yet. I have extensive plans to travel this summer and it seems you might too. My lifestyle involves a lot of over 21 activites, as the majority of my friends tend to be within the age range. I'm not entirely comfortable being in a relationship in which the age distinction is so apparent. However, I do enjoy your company and I like you. So I'm taking time to feel it out. What exactly is it that you're wanting on your end? And if you wonder what I mean about the age thing, my spare time is very little. So then I have to divide time between you and friends separately. Which I imagine doesn't necessarily make either of us happy. But as I said, I am enjoying my time with you. I just may not get very much of it"

so to that I asked if I could think a little so I could properly answer his question, he said of course.

and once I could actually respond... I said:

"Okay. Lets see if I can get this to make sense. I'm a girl who is a huge fan of being with one guy whether the title of "boyfriend" is there. I'm okay with not having to always be around the guy. The fact that I might only see you once this week is fine. I want you to go out with friends. I don't want me to change what you want to do. I know I can't go out to bars for 7 more months, but I would try and stop you from going out with your friends. Justlike if I want to go out dancing with my friends, you wouldn't stop me. I'm not asking you to try a relationship, because I want that to be your choice and I don't think we know each other well enough. I'm just wanting to know that a chance isn't totally out of the question. I don't want things to change between us, I hope you know that. I'm happy with how things are. I enjoy the time I get with you. Sorry this is a novel. I hope me asking that question didn't change things between us."
and now he hasn't responded.
I'm nervous 'cause I really like this guy... and I can't believe I'm posting all of this, 'cause I'm sure he'd like hate me if he knew... but I'm not mentioning names.

And she's back!

Hey there everyone!
So sorry I haven't been writing lately, but ya know... it's rather difficult to write on a college blog when you AREN'T in college!
Well, hey, here I am... back in college. I'm going to University of Phoenix online for a psychology degree. I'm still a dance major but I'm putting that off till later. I'm loving school so far though it's only orientation day.
I'm actually working on homework right now while I listen to podcasts and they are cracking me up.

"I can put my laundry off for months... as long as I don't care about having friends"

This podcast is cracking me up!!!

I am so happy that I'm back in school, it feels good.
So, I'll be back here. Writing and letting you know what's going on and all my lovely essays. Hope you guys are ready!

Update on what the heck is going on since it seems this college student's life went away

Hey,
So I was looking through this the other day and was like "WHOA!!! I haven't updated my readers AT ALL about my decisions!", so here I am! *Insert superhero music here*
So though I am not in college right now, I'm hoping to start this summer at University of Pheonix (online). I will be working on getting my LCSW (Licensed Clinic Social Worker).
I have decided that I want to obtain a degree in children's psychology. I am still a dance major, but I'm going to get my LCSW first so I can get an intense job and use more of my own money to put myself through college since FAFSA went all crazy with UNLV.
School I'm looking at to obtain my dance major: Western Oregon.
I'm pretty set on it. That way I'm in state and close-ish to home.
So yeah, I'll start posting here again about my adventures online and all the lovely-ness that goes on with that.
<3 Thanks for sticking by me.