I don't even know what is going on

Hey all,
so honestly, I don't even know what is happening anymore. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all of this stuff that is happening but for some reason I can't seem to.
I found out last night that my dad got laid off from his job, this scares me because well its my dad, but also because he was helping me with my rent and my school tuition. Now I don't know what is going to happen.
I need another job.... I really want one online so that I can try to stick with everything I already have going on, but I don't know where to look or where to start.
I feel trapped and like I'm lost.

I feel so alone.

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and that no one can hear me.

My life...

So last night was my first time being back into performing. Oh me oh my, have I missed it!
Last night went AMAZING!
My dances were great, the audience was amazing, all my fellow performers also did great!
I missed the heat of the lights, the sound of people cheering and the anxiety!

Best part of it all....

my boyfriend was there!

I was stoked!
My next performance is in two weeks.
I get this week off of work and I'm am super excited because I need to catch up on some sleep and work on school nonsense.

I've decided to just drop worrying about the roommate thing, it's in God's hands (sorry if that offends anyone) and He will take care of it. :)


I deserve to be happy, and I am in control of that.
I choose to be happy.

Well, this sucks.

I don't even know whats going on but I have having a really hard time today.
I had a good day but then it became night and now I'm nothing but tears. I feel terrible and that I bring everything on myself. My psychologist says I'm very much stuck in the "why me" stage of my thinking due to the traumatizing things that have happened to me for the past few years. I guess tonight it all became just so real.
I really do blame myself for so much. My "why me" isn't towards others, God or any higher being... it's towards myself. I constantly ask why I put myself in these situations, why I let so many negative things happen before I finally stand up for myself.
Tonight is the night before my dance performance, and I don't even get to see my boyfriend because I didn't check to see if the door was unlocked. I didn't check so then I don't get to see my boyfriend on the night that I feel like shit.



I just don't know what to do anymore.

What even?

I honestly can't tell you, readers, what is even going on right now.
My roommate/"best" friend and I are in a tiff because she has been lying to me and is now (all of a sudden) moving out and in with her boyfriend of four months.
I am working as a nanny again, and it makes me miss the kids I took care of in Eugene. I am also working as a dancer (I know, dream come true!) at the Imperial Event Center with the Rogue Cap. Its really fun and I really feel like its already a huge family although none of us really know each other. I need it.


In good news: I am back in touch with a person who has meant the world to me since I adopted her as my "little sister", which was back in 2009. I am so happy to have B back in my life. I missed her so much. It is amazing how people come and go, but things don't change.

As for school: I passed both of my last classes with B's. I am super excited because I thought I was going to fail my psychology course. Which would have MAJORLY sucked since Psychology is my minor.

I am dancing again, and though I still go to SO many crazy appointments for the healing process due to my car crash back in Feb, it is truly nice to be dancing again and smiling as much again.









I did write in the relationship blog that I have as well, you can check it out at: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

I don't know what to do...

I don't know if I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, but I can't take the abuse anymore. Constantly hearing how the store is sinking, that we aren't making enough sales... I want to work somewhere HAPPY. I am scared with this being my last week. I love working in sales, but the boss here is just simply rude. I feel like I'm at a cross roads and a rut. I want to go back to Vegas... I miss how I felt there and I miss my friends. But I don't know if I am ready to move again. I'm tired of living the same day over and over... it drives me crazy, I want to feel like my life is going somewhere, like I'm moving forward.
Honestly, I wish I could work online then I'd have time for my dancing. I don't know where to look for an online job though.
I need to take a trip to the coast for a few nights, clear my head.


I don't know what to do.

Second chances

Second chances. Easy two words but how many people do you give them to? How many people deserve them?
I used to give chances: second, third, fourth, twelfth, twenty third... oh so many chances. Almost like I never learned. Oh, but I did. I just wonder why I rarely got as many chances as I've given.
I know people give me chances all the time but how much did I miss out on due to not getting another chance? Would I be back together with Steven rather than being in love with Gabe? Would I still be in Vegas? Would I still be friends with Adam?
The trouble is the fact that there is no way to know.

I'm happy with my life. I love everything that I have going on and am so thankful... I just can't help but wonder.



(Don't forget to check out my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/
for a little more personal things )

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I love my mom so much and though every year I try to say exactly how much, I always end up coming back to the same quote by Washington Irving:
"A mother is the truest friend we have when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
My mom has seen me through so much that I can't even try to explain. We have had our hard times and the times where we were inseparable. We have had so many crazy adventures (camping, beach, Canada and soon to be to the Country Music Festival), she has gone on many school trips and has always been such a huge influence in my life.
I can honestly say that my mom is my biggest hero and probably my biggest fan. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I wanted and pushed me to better myself, whether this be with my dancing, acting singing or just being silly. When I announced that I was going to UNLV last minute, it was my mom that helped me pack my car and get down there with no days to spare. It was my mom who helped me move to Eugene. She was the first person I told when I decided I wanted to pursue a Psychology degree with emphasis on adolescents and Dance Therapy, and on top of that pursue it online (of which I had previous had difficulty with) and she was behind me 110% as always. She was the one person who I didn't have to convince that I can do what I am doing, she has always believed in me and encouraged me no matter how many times I had previously failed.
My mom is the strongest person I know and I love her so much for putting up with me through all these years.
I love you, mom. Happy Mother's day.