Here I am

I need advice readers.
So I mentioned how it seems a little rocky between my boyfriend and I... well, I asked him to stop by today to simply see if it was just the fact that I hadn't seen him in a bit and well.... it still seemed off. I cuddled up to him like I normally do when we sit on the couch, but he didn't hold my hand or put his arm around me. I don't know what is going on. I've asked him if something is wrong and he says no. He also says that he'll tell me if something is wrong... but I'm scared.
Let's get the background of this, 'cause I'm not sure I've given that yet.
My boyfriend is seriously one of my best friends and it is ridiculous. I have liked him for so long and I have almost broken my own heart to be with him so him being distant seriously kills me and scares me because I don't want him to leave. I couldn't handle it. I would cry for days. I know this is being a bit dramatic, but I don't know how else to get my point across with how much this guy means to me.


What should I do????

As I promised

So, as I said, I would post today to keep you guys in the loop, so here I am.

Instead of going over to the assistant job, my representative emailed her. I like this a lot more because not only do I need to worry about me getting stressed, but also everything will be documented so that if this gets out of hand there's proof of what has been said.

So now on to the other things, we're seeing improvement in my health today so that is fabulous news. I also have a job interview lined up on Thursday that I'm fairly excited about.

As for the things I wasn't able to hit last night:

Living Situation: So, I'm still living with my mother and things are rocky. It seems to be getting more and more tense as things change. I need to get a place, or my mom needs to get a place. I know that sounds mean, but what the deal was originally was that my mom was moving and that I would get the house we are in now. That was supposed to happen back in June, but has yet to. I'm thinking of just finding a place myself, but need a job first obviously.






Friends: ooh my friends, where to even start. As I said last night it's hard to talk to most of them because they are so critical of my relationship. Other than that a lot of them simply come to me for advice and to complain about their own lives. I'm more than happy to help, but it isn't being reciprocated so it isn't fair. I have felt like I have no one to talk to and it is driving me insane. I miss my friends in Vegas and in Eugene. I miss my friends that were give and take rather than just take.



Thoughts: I keep feeling like I'm in a snow globe. Nothing around me changes and nothing is real. I miss things being real, moving forward constantly. I can't wait to go back to Vegas, I need the escape and the break. I need things to be real again rather than never changing. I miss my life, my friends, my attention. I don't get attention anymore and though I know that I can never be the center of attention, I still want some attention. Other than that, I just need progress.

Please, forgive me

Hey readers, sorry it's been so long since I've been in touch. But here's everything broken down just like last blog. There is quite a bit going on, so I'm doing it this way again so that if there's a certain part that really doesn't interest you, you can simply skip it. :)
Thanks for keeping with me.


Boyfriend: So, I want to start here because it seems to be one of the only things keeping steady. My boyfriend's and my 2 month mark was on the 26th. I baked him a ton of cookies and took them to his work. He was ecstatic. Though things seem to be edgy between him and I right now, I'm sure it's just because we are both under a lot of stress and we aren't at the point of sharing the stress with each other yet. But it's been nice, I stayed with him the last two Wednesdays and we watched shows and he rarely let go of me. It was nice feeling like I meant something. I know here soon though, I'm going to have to explain why I get really insecure the day after I stay the night.
It's simple really, I'm used to being used. I'm used to just being that friend that gets the benefits of being a girlfriend but doesn't get to be the girlfriend so now I'm really on edge and cautious because everything seems new and I'm just hoping it doesn't break.
I know my boyfriend does care about me, but it's simply a wall that is slowly being broken down.
It's crazy him and I have been together for 2 months now. In all honesty, when this started between him and I, I didn't think it would last a month and a half.
It's hard though because since this has been such an anticipated relationship in my friend group, I feel like I have no one to talk to about either the good or bad stuff. If I talk to people about the good stuff, they seem bored... if I talk about the bad stuff it's like the world is on fire and all I hear is "this was bound to happen" or "it's not worth it" or even "break it off then". They don't get that, yeah there's some stuff that I don't like or something that him and I are having difficulty with... but I adore this guy and want to work through as much as we can. He's worth it to me.

Work: So I quit the assistant job, because it was either I quit or grovel for my position. I was put in charge of the entire business after a few weeks of training and apparently "messed up the entire business". To this day I have no idea how that is even possible since I didn't do anything new. I feel like she wanted to fire me, so she set me up.
She has yet to give me my final check though, so my mom and I are apparently going over there tomorrow to get it. Now those of you who know me know that this isn't good for me. Confrontation usually makes me cry so much to where I get physically ill. I don't know how this is going to work because it is not going to help any for me to be sitting there a blubbering fool trying to get my paycheck.
On a brighter side of all this, I am looking for another job and have had two interviews and have another one in a few weeks. There is one job that I sent references to that I would absolutely love to have, so cross your fingers for me. I need to find one soon or else I have to quit my teaching as well.

School: This area of my life seems to not change. I'm going on my third week of my third round. I feel so stuck in a rut with this any more, but I guess that's what school is. I just can't wait to actually get into one of my psychology classes. I'll be ecstatic!

Health: ok, this is where my excuse for not writing comes in. In the last month and a half I have suffered a back injury, anxiety attacks, staph infection and then cellulitus. I'm still fighting the staph infection and cellulitus, I finally went to a doctor about it and got put on medications. These meds have made me very groggy, tired and spacey. I haven't been doing much other than laying down and watching movies.
I got the back injury at the assistant job, and that got treated.
Then the anxiety attacks have been coming from all the stress I feel I am under.
We have no idea where the staph infection came from, but it started in my knee. From there it spread into being cellulitus all over my body. It really hasn't been a fun ride and can't wait to be done with it all. I'm finally starting to see the swelling go down and all the infected spots healing.
With all this though, I have seen a drastic weight loss. I feel so skinny and frail but I can't eat much because it makes me feel sick. I think after I'm recovered I'll be consulting my doctor about the 7 pounds I've lost within a month. 'cause I don't think that can be healthy when I barely had that weight to lose in the first place.

So, that's all I really have the energy to talk about right now. I'll post tomorrow about how the stuff goes at work and I'll also post about the living situation, friend and thought things that I was hoping to hit on here but simply don't have the energy to do.
Again, thank you for sticking with me through all of this.

Hope you're bearing with me...

Hey everyone,
sorry it's been awhile since I've written. My life seriously kind of exploded in a big combustion of fire... as if there is another way to explode?
I had school work, both jobs, issues with a friend, and then the relationship to keep up with. Needless to say, my sleep schedule has been off and unimportant. Not healthy! 
So now, time to catch ya'll up. Here we go.

SCHOOL:
So, I finished my second round of school. About time too, it seems like they last so much longer than 9 weeks, it's crazy! But I got my grades from my last 4 classes. Personal Finances: A- University Studies: B- Health: A Composition 101: A. Yeah, that's right. I'm rocking this college thing.
Now for the not so chipper part of the school thing. I don't know when I get to start the third round. My PLUS loan has yet to go through. I don't know what is going on and it's really stressing me out. I have the acceptance letter but for some reason it hasn't been cleared by my school. First I was supposed to start my third round on the 8th, now I'm supposed to start on the 15th... but that is looking like it is going to change too. Bleh.

JOBS:
     DANCE:
So, I don't know if I had announced yet, but I have my dream job right now. I am a dance teacher. Only down side is that since I'm still so young and I'm working at a studio that just opened... I have no following. As much as I like my 2 students, I'm not making enough to make rent. Grr... Really sucks. I'm trying to get more students but I'm running out of ideas on how. I'm trying to remain calm and let it be in God's hands, but I'm scared. This is my dream job. I don't want to lose it yet.
      ASSISTANT:
This is the job that is really starting to bug me. See, I was hired as this family's nanny, but since the mom runs her own business and is preggers with another kid. She called me up and asked if I could help her out with her business. I, of course, said yes. I mean, I'm 20, in college and trying to make a living... why would I turn down extra money. Now the issue is the fact that she has been gone this entire week. I have been running the business. I've only had about 2 weeks training and I'm running the business. Something wasn't clear so now a whole lot is screwed up and of course, she blames me. I'm starting to wonder if this job is even worth it. She wants me to run the store on Saturday, of which I haven't been trained for ever... I'm tired of her talking to me like I'm her child. I know I'm young, but once you actually show me what to do, I catch on fast. She isn't clear when she verbally gives instructions, but she doesn't understand what I mean by that. I don't know what to do with this anymore.

ISSUES WITH A FRIEND:
I tried to keep this quiet and secretive but I can't anymore. This thing ("thing" meaning rumor) got out that I had cheated on my boyfriend. Haha, right? Except not.  I was honestly scared that I would lose not only my boyfriend, but my best friend. Then when I found out who started it... I was shocked to find out it had been one of my friends. Well, I fixed things with my boyfriend, and was forgiving of my friend. Then just this morning he makes me sound like I was dependent on him and that his opinion of my relationship means the world to me. It really ticked me off. Especially since when I confronted him about the "cheating" thing, he lied to me not only once but twice. He lied the day I asked, and I caught him in that one. Then I was hanging out with another friend, she was at the party where this scene started and she told me the whole thing. Turns out they weren't drunk, so he knew perfectly well what he was saying. Wow, jerk. I don't think it needs to be said that I lost a friend here, but its for the better. I don't need or want someone that toxic in my life. He would put me down, tell me that we wouldn't ever be able to date and he puts down my religion because I believe in God. I mean, my boyfriend isn't sure he believes in God, but he's still okay that I am strong in my faith.

as for the BOYFRIEND:
Things are getting better between him and I. He took me out last night, and he wouldn't tell me where we were going for dinner. Ends up he greatly spoiled me by taking me to Olive Garden. Which is seriously the love of my stomach's life. After that we hung out for a bit, cuddled and talked. I told him about my emotional disorder and he actually was really supportive and okay with it. I was shocked. Usually when people find out about it, they tend to back off. But he almost held me closer. It was a nice change. It was at that point that I knew this relationship was worth working at. 

As for me in general? Well, I'm currently injured. Which sucks. I hurt my lower back at the assistant job by tripping over the stupid cat. I caught myself luckily, but it racked my back out pretty good so I'm going to physical therapy to try to get it better. Other than that, I'm stressed, sleep deprived, and barely have time to eat. This isn't healthy, and it's all due to the assistant job because the woman wants me to dedicate my life to it, and I refuse.
Stay positive, you guys. I know it's hard, trust me I know. But the toxic people don't belong, the supportive people are the ones who need to stay. Figure out who/what is worth working at/for/with... and forget the rest. And above all (this is the one I need to focus on), remember to remember yourself at least once a day. Not only to remember who you are, but to keep yourself healthy. I know that society today does a number on a person's mind and self image, as well as confidence. But you are beautiful as you.

Why is E.E. Cummings so smart?

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."  ~E.E. Cummings

So I'll admit, lately I haven't been myself.
I've been hiding behind my work, my schooling and my dancing. I've been trying to stay out of the drama and out of the spotlight. But it found me today.
I feel like all this happened because I wasn't being true to who I am. I'm not the girl who puts my friends off and doesn't try to see them as much as I can. I'm not the girl who takes everything so seriously that nothing is enjoyable. I like laughing, I like smiling.
I am sorry to everyone that I have put off or anything, but I promise... I'm back to being me. I know it's hard to stick to my true self, but I've done it for years. I can't fall back into my old habits, and I can't fall into new ones.
I refuse to hurt more people that I care about, instead, I'm going to focus on mending what I have broken.
Thank you for sticking with me you guys. I adore you all.

You can't say I'm not bullheaded.

So, as my evening draws to an end, and as cruddy as this evening/night has been... I have to say... I just had a very uplifting feeling.
I can achieve whatever goal I actually want, if I put my mind to it.
Most of these thoughts are coming from the fact that I had teachers tell me at UNLV that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my dancing because I wasn't good enough, now I'm a dance teacher. Then when I got injured at UNLV my doctor said that if I didn't wear my cast through at least February of 2011 and go to Physical Therapy at least three times a week, that the chances of me ever dancing (let alone tapping) were practically down the drain. Yet, I took my boot off December of 2010 and am actually keeping up in my intermediate/advanced tap class and am dancing three nights almost every week. And then starting in October, I'll be dancing Monday through Friday. Though this thought scares me due to the words of my teachers and doctor, I think I've proven to myself that I can do this and that they were wrong.
I can do this. I'm a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. For the longest time I wondered if I had purposefully willed myself to get injured at UNLV so I could come home. I'm sure that thought will haunt me the rest of my life, but for tonight, I know I didn't do it. I just wasn't meant to be there at that point in my life. I was meant to come back to Oregon and do everything that I have done. I have found a second path for my life that will probably be more secure than my dancing (child psychology) and I have built up my resume. I have failed, fallen and have had to rise again because there wasn't any other option. I'm ready to go back now and fight. Maybe not at UNLV, but I'm ready to continue my major in dance after I get my minor taken care of. I will go back to Vegas, and I will get my major. But this time, I'll wait till I know it's time.
Keep your head up, loves. You can do it.

On the verdge of tears

I hate feeling like this just a few days after my last blog and I was so chipper and happy. Now it feels like that happiness is shot to hell.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:
Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.