What the ever living $%^# am I doing?

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Nothing I try to do goes right, I destroy lives of those around me and I make everyone absolutely miserable. I have lost my love and passion for everything - photography, dance, writing, drawing... literally everything. And I can tell that I am slowly ruining my marriage, and we haven't even been married a year, so that's fun. My life is exploding and I'm imploding. I wish I wasn't here... I wish I could just go away so that everything would be better for everyone I care about. I know I'm a burden, I know I'm useless since I don't help in any way shape or form... and I know that I am never good enough. I am always second choice. My heart hurts right now. I lost where I used to dance, I've lost my confidence and I'm slowly losing everything that means anything to me. I am being pushed out of my job - whether intentional or not, I don't know. I don't talk to my mom or sister anymore. And I have totally destroyed my husband's life. He doesn't talk to any of his family, he's lost all of his friends and it is all because of me. I am the only one to blame, and I know that. Everyone tries to tell me differently, but I know better. I'm toxic. I've been told that my entire life. I take things for granted until they have nothing left to give. Why am I even still here?

"Exploring careers in psychology" - Assignment

Psychology, the study of the human mind and the mental characteristics of a person or group. So many side points to that simple definition intrigued me enough to want to go to school and become a psychology major. Something I never thought about, though, was the different benefits my field held for my future. I chose the field I did because it interested me, and I enjoyed the thought as well as the -what I would say- benefit of the job in the knowledge that I would be helping others in their lives. Something that I didn't count on was having to find a field within my field. I figured psychology covered it all, I didn't think about the differences between a military therapist compared to a child therapist and the financial difference between them all as well. I feel like many people look into the financial benefit of going to school to major in their desired field, and there is some truth to this. Knowing the difference in the annual income can really help people decide what they are going to go to school for precisely rather than something generic - such as me thinking that getting a degree in psychology covered it all rather than thinking to specify and get my doctorate. According to Psychology Today “the median annual salary of bachelor's level psychology majors was $30,00” versus in 2010 where the starting salary was $36,400. (Whitebourne). With this number changing annually, the median pay for psychologist in 2015 was $34.89 an hour. That hourly wage compared to the $9.50 for minimum age in Oregon, would be a rather large benefit and motivation to earn a degree. I feel like a huge benefit is that there is on the job training. To finish with a degree in psychology, you do have to complete an internship or residency. I feel like this is a large benefit because students get to dip their toes in the water and see what it is like to be in the field but still have the help of a mentor a long the way. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) If a student feels overwhelmed in their internship, they might learn that the field they are working on isn't what they are meant to do. Something might look great on paper and the school work might seem easy, but until you are actually working in the field, I feel like there is no true way to know exactly what it is like to do the job. The largest benefit in majoring in psychology is the what the diploma says. To many people, that diploma means that they can trust you to do your job and as a psychologist, that trust in the client is important. It is a field based on trust, communication and respect. For someone to put the effort in going to school and getting educated in their field shows clients that they worked for their title and have an education to back what they are saying. For the two fields I keep vacillating between, that trust is important. I am interested in both the field of being a child psychologist and a family therapist. For a child psychologist, they are studying the social processes and behavior of a child. From that they are learning how the child reacts and relates to other people and their surrounding environment. Child psychologist do have the option of working independently in their own practice, or they can collaborate with different programs, including schools, other counselors or social workers. In this field, in 2015 the median pay was $34.89 per hour which totals $72,580 per year. To obtain a job in the field of a child psychologist, a doctoral degree is typically needed, though in a few areas a masters will suffice as well as obtaining a license. On the other hand, there's the option of family therapist. In this field the therapist is helping their clients overcome different problems that are affecting the family or other relationships in the client's life. From there, the therapist finds different things that can help the client improve their relationships and lives. It is more common to see family therapists in a mental health center or in their own private practice. Compared to the child psychologist job, a family therapists median pay in 2015 was $20.77 an hour and $43,190 per year. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) To find a job as a family therapist, all that is required in an internship, a masters and a license to have their practice. If I were to compare the two, you would see that there are a few similarities and many differences. Both positions main goal is to understand and be able to identify and explain the emotions and behaviors of their clients and how the behaviors are affecting their lives as well as the lives around them. With this, both positions have to do a few different studies of the behavior and functions of their clients to identify what the exact reason for the conflict is. As I said, though there are a few similarities, there seem to be many more differences. Psychologist are more about the observation, studies and collection of research and information to identify the patterns in their clients behavior and thought patterns. Psychologist are looking to understand the client's thoughts, behavior and feelings so that they can later use their research to support their theories about different disorders or the underlying problem in their client's life. Psychologist often only have one person per session and will focus primarily on that person. (Bureau of Labor Statistics (2) ) While family therapists are more focused on teaching their clients tools and techniques so that their client can use the tools in their lives to manage their disorders, or problems in their lives and relationships. Therapists are focused on anything that can be affecting their clients from low self esteem to mental and emotional disorders. The therapist help their clients take steps to cope with different situations and can help refer them to other support groups or tools in their community. Family therapists are more family centered versus being focused more on an individual as a psychologist would be. In the end, I chose psychology as my major because I enjoy helping people, all money and statistics aside. I chose to look more into specified degrees in a child or family setting because I feel like that is more a field I'd be the most help in. Now I just need to do my research and find exactly what field and degree I want and need to follow my dream. Citations Whitbourne, S. K. (2012, September 11). The Top 10 Reasons to Major in Psychology. Retrieved June 13, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/the-top-10-reasons-major-in-psychology Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Mental Health Counselors and Marriage and Family Therapists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/community-and-social-service/mental-health-counselors-and-marriage-and-family-therapists.htm (visited June 13, 2016). Bureau of Labor Statistics (2), U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Psychologists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/life-physical-and-social-science/psychologists.htm (visited June 13, 2016).

Well, welcome back!

Hey all you lovely lovely people, I hope I haven't lost all of you guys! Who is still here with me? Roll call? Kidding.... kinda. Well, after taking over a year off, I guess I have a lot of catching up to do since A LOT has happened. So, a year ago I dropped out of school to take a break. I was tired, felt mistreated and was really battling depression and was greatly battling anxiety. Let me tell you, not fun. So, I'm sorry that I've been missing for so long. But I am happy to say that I am back and in full force! Expect to be seeing a new post on each blog about once a week. ;) Annnnyway, I'm happy to report that I am currently working in a daycare as a teacher, and totally love it. Its my first week this week, but I feel more at home than I have in awhile at any other job. I also get back into school on the 19th of this month to continue my battle for my psychology degree. But, in my every day life SO much has changed! So, lets start. I have a new guy in my life, and I guess you could say things are pretty serious, as we are engaged and are looking at a wedding this coming September. He's pretty neat, I guess.... but you can read more about that mushy gushy relationshipy stuff on my other blog (http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) I'm really excited about all of it and he's a great change from my last few relationships. Currently we are in the process of buying a house, which is pretty adult for a 24 year old... if I do say so myself. He moved in last year with his amazing boxer, so then we had two dogs - thanks to my chihuahua - in our lovely house. and then last week, we welcomed another fur-baby into the house and she is just a love. Annoying and doesn't know how to play gentle yet, but a total cuddle bug. She's a wonderful mutt, but is mostly Australian Shepard and Boston Terrier. Personally, I've gone through a lot. Between battling my depression and anxiety. I have lost a great man in my life due to cancer and also found out that my grandmother's cancer is back and this time... its kicking her butt. So if you have some extra room for good thoughts and prayers, please send them to her. She's a very strong woman and I'm having a hard time coping with the fact she might not make it to my wedding day. Other than that, things are going well. My depression has subsided for the most part, with small episodes here and there. My anxiety doesn't rule my life, and I rarely have panic attacks anymore. I'm out of the world of retail, of which I've been in since 2013ish. I have a man who loves me and a wedding in a few months... Only thing that could make it better is knowing that all you lovely people haven't given up on me. Have a great night, lovelies.

Merry Christmas

 Me last year (2013)

So, I don't know if I just have a lot to say or just have a lot to think. But it is at this time, that I remember exactly what I was doing and what was going on in my life a year ago.
A year ago, I thought I was the happiest I could be. I was in a relationship I had waited to be in since Sophomore year, and had been in said relationship for a year. I had my dad, my mom and a wonderful friend base. I was trying to fit into my (at that time) boyfriend's families by showing up to all the dinners.  No seriously, I think I had more Christmas dinners last year that I have in my life! It was crazy. Anyway... I was in school and had just started my great job at Pier 1. My (at that time) boyfriend and I had started talking about moving in together...
and then there's now. I lived with that boyfriend, and as most know now, it didn't work out. We broke up after being together for two years and one month. Now, we don't even speak when he used to be one of my best friends, even before we dated.

I'm still at Pier 1 and love every second of it, though I seem to complain a lot, but if I let on to how much I love it there.... who knows what would happen. I got truck lead, which might not mean much, but it means the world to me. 

I have an awesome boyfriend, though the relationship is still super new, I can say that he makes me smile way more than I'm used to and it's great. We have just as much fun and smiles staying in and relaxing as we do going out to movie or food. We're both going through a lot right now, and I don't know about him, but it feels better knowing that I have someone there to talk to or not talk to and just have my world be okay for a little bit.

I'm currently taking a break from school, but I'm working on transferring so I'm hoping that will be a positive move forward as well.
I've made a lot of new, life long friends and let go of some negative people from my past. I've mended some relationships, and cut ties with others. All in all, the biggest thing I've seen is my how much my confidence has increased in the last few months. 

In the middle of this last year, I got diagnosed with high anxiety and acute depression. I was scared to death. That's stuff that I study, I know it can be a lifetime thing, or can last as short as a few days. Though I still suffer from both, my episodes are few and far between. I went from never wanting to get out of bed, to enjoying being around people again. I've seen such a huge growth in myself in the last year, and I didn't realize that until tonight. 

I've taken back control of my life and have refocused on what my true goals are rather than basing them off of others' fears, wants and needs. 

I have a trip to Vegas starting to be planned, and am so excited to go back. 

My mom was gracious enough to let me stay in the house for this last year, while I got back on my feet, and when she brought up me moving, I freaked out because I felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't do it. But as I look around, I know I can. I'm back on my feet, and my mom sees that, and that's something for her and I to be proud of. She raised a very strong daughter and I'm so thankful that she did.
My parents and I have gotten closer over this last year as well. My mom and I have had our times but I stopped having the "running away" feeling and my dad and I talk every week rather than talking, fighting and not talking for months at a time.

So, for this Christmas, I would say that I'm thankful for all the stepping stones I've taken, all the wrong turns I've turned, all the signs that I missed and best yet... the fact that I've overcome most of them and have become who I am now. I couldn't have done it without any of you, and trust me, I'm thankful. 

Me this year (2014)

Now, I'm going to stop being sappy, finish baking my chocolate chip cookies for Santa and then go to bed.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Rather than concentrating on the negative, notice the positive, at least for today.
My mom always had me wiggle my pinky finger, and asked if that hurt.... since it never did naturally (unless I had previously sprained it) she would say "then it's going to be a good day" and the funny thing, it is just that easy. Choose to have a wonderful day today, consider it a Christmas gift to me, if you must.
Happy holidays. :)











 And the biggest change this year, I went from having one tattoo to two, plus got my butterfly colored in!!

Happy Thanksgiving

So this year I've been thankful for a lot, I've had a lot thrown my way so the biggest thing I'm thankful for is weirdly how much I got knocked down this last year. I've grown in myself and have realized how strong I truly am.
 I'm thankful that I have an amazing family and my awesome friends. I really don't know what I'd do without any of them.
 I'm thankful for my jobs, even though I know they kick my butt.
I'm thankful for my rather amazing boyfriend, he's made me smile and laugh more in the past month than I have in a while.
I'm thankful for my ex, he helped me realize what I really want in life.
I'm thankful for my mom and dad, they've put up with so much and yet are always there for me through thick and thin.
I'm very thankful, oddly enough, for my diagnosis of depression and anxiety, its reminded me to find happiness within myself rather than others and to find happiness in the smallest things possible.

With all the ups and downs in life, I sometimes forget to be thankful. I try my hardest to make sure people know I appreciate them and that I appreciate their help, but I'll admit first hand that it isn't always my top priority.
We need to be thankful all year round and not just on one day. I try every day to find at least one thing that I was thankful for that day, even if it was just that I got through it.

Whoa

I can't believe Zach and I have been together for a month, as of yesterday, already. Its strange to actually be happy with someone and not be straining myself for the attention.
He fits in so naturally in my life (both of my parents already love him, my dad invited him to play in church sometime and they played guitar together last weekend) and thought that scares me and makes me nervous... I'm not putting my walls up. As much as I want to. The few I've put up, he's torn them straight back down before the concrete could set.
He claims to be such a terrible person, but I just can't see it. We all have our dark sides and I know his is pretty dark, but maybe I've been around so many dark-spirited people where I can't see that same negative energy or light from Zach.
There are still times where I miss certain things in Gabe, but I have to remember that Gabe and I had been in each other's lives for six or seven years. Four or five before we were dating and two together.
Zach is a whole new person to get used to, and I'm a different person with him than I was with Gabe. Its a transition in my life and I need to accept that and work hard on it.
Gabe is and always will be a huge part of my life, though we aren't talking right now. But Zach is a new part of my life story and its a chapter I haven't read yet. I'm terrified but I'm happy.

Let me explain....

So, again, I've been MIA but it seems like this will explain a bit of why:

oh jeez, where to start... I guess from the beginning, best way to say it is to just come out with it, right? Well, Gabe and I broke up about three weeks ago now.
I expected to be totally torn and broken upon this happening, but I think mentally and emotionally Gabe and I broke up a long time ago. I feel like I've already gone through the break up feelings. If I were to be totally honest, I'd say I've felt like we broke up back in July. I was just so desperate to not lose him and to make it work that I did everything I could to make it last. Needless to say, it wasn't healthy for either of us.
But I'm okay.
The part that hurts is that he didn't even fight for me. The exact opposite actually. He started lies and rumors about me, and who knows how many people he spread them to, or even how long he has been doing it. I found out because my wonderful roommates filled me in.
I'm so thankful to have them and know that we all got each other's backs.
Its sad to say, but I'm happier without Gabe being around. I loved him with all of my heart, I truly did, but I'm not noticing the huge red flags that were screaming that we never would have lasted that dream "forever". And after all that he's done since we broke up, I'm wondering if he ever really, honestly and truly cared for me or if I as just convenient. It sucks to question that, but I am.
Since he's moved out, there's music playing in my house again and I'm able to breathe without feeling suffocated. I'm not sick as much and I'm not as reliant on my depression medications as I was.
I know it seems fast, but please remember how long Gabe and I have been distant: I have started seeing another guy, his name is Zach. He has really shown me how I deserve to be treated. He brings me flowers all the time and constantly tells me I'm pretty. He holds me tight and there's a look in his eyes that I never saw in Gabe's. I'm not moving too fast after two years with Gabe... I'm moving on with my life. Gabe helped me learn a lot, and I really needed that. But now, I need someone who lets me be me and helps me rather than tears me down.

I think I have that now in Zach, but I'm not jumping into anything. I will always love Gabe, and he has been a huge part of my life, but I guess it was just time to move on.