I don't even know what's happening anymore. I feel like my entire world is breaking, and there's nothing I can do about it because people expect me to just sit, watch and be there for them when it fails like I said it would from the beginning.
I've lost so many friends this year and I am just tired of all of this. I'm tired of the toxic things that are in my life. Its no wonder why I keep getting sick instead of better. How is anyone supposed to get better when they have all this stuff hanging over their head with no escape?
Now, even worse, its in my house.
I can't escape it and it is seriously giving me anxiety attacks and I feel angry and tense all the time. I can't live like this. NO ONE can live like this. I need to move. I need to be out on my own again. Life was difficult, yes, but it was better. I wasn't this stressed or this sick. I was better. I was able to be myself and not worry about everyone else.
I've cut my ties, and I never want them back so I might as well sever the rope as well. I'm done with all the people who have made me feel like this. I have lost respect for them all and have realized that they don't care about me as much as I thought they did. It sucks, yes, but I can't do this anymore.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Nothing really to say
I really don't have much to say today, but I know I don't want to forget today. Today has been the first day where I feel like this is what I expected from my relationship. Today is the first day where I feel like Gabe was just naturally my boyfriend and it was amazing.
He didn't tell me he was coming over tonight, but he just tapped on my window a few hours ago. Scared the bee-gee-bus out of me, too. I jumped so bad since I wasn't expecting him and wasn't listening for his car. But he just stopped by because he could, and he wanted to. He surprised me.
We just hung out and talked. Definitely made my day just that much better.
He didn't tell me he was coming over tonight, but he just tapped on my window a few hours ago. Scared the bee-gee-bus out of me, too. I jumped so bad since I wasn't expecting him and wasn't listening for his car. But he just stopped by because he could, and he wanted to. He surprised me.
We just hung out and talked. Definitely made my day just that much better.
Monday, January 14, 2013
How do I explain it...
Hey everyone, hope everyone's weekend was fabulous and that everyone's Monday was... well, as good as could be expected from a Monday.
As for my weekend, it was surprisingly good. Gabe stayed the night on Saturday and it was nice. We were able to talk a lot after we had a Doctor Who mini marathon. Gabe and I were joking around because there are a lot of pretty girls on the show so I made comment of how he would so easily leave me for a few of them. He made a point to say that at least they are the ONLY girls he would leave me for. So chances are that he wont leave me. After that, he said that he has never been with a girl as long as he's been with me consistently. His other relationships were very on and off, where as ours has now been lasting almost five months. It was cute. He made me smile. It was good.
Now for my Monday, I had work. I really adore my girls though. My younger girls were adorable. We worked on spotting and we really need to work some more. Then when I got my older girls, I really felt accomplished. I let them leap over me to work on their leaps. I'm so proud of them. A lot of them got a lot more air and kept their legs straight. The leaps were gorgeous. One of my girls, who is very nervous and is lacking confident, was simply beaming and HAD to show her mom. It made me smile.
I'm nervous to start choreographing for the show. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I don't know if I can keep up with all of it, but I'm going to try my hardest. I think I'll need help and a lot of support, so hopefully I will have that.
As for my health, I am doing a bit better. I am trying to fix my numbers with my anemia by taking iron supplements and eating a bit more meat. I am trying to drink less soda as well. It is really difficult because of the fact that I don't eat much in general. I have to go back to the doctor next month, get my blood drawn again and hopefully my numbers will be more normal. Can only hope.
Well, I need to work on school work. Bah. The life of a 21 year old. Aren't I supposed to be out drinking and partying? Eh, oh well, I wouldn't trade my life for anything at this point.
As for my weekend, it was surprisingly good. Gabe stayed the night on Saturday and it was nice. We were able to talk a lot after we had a Doctor Who mini marathon. Gabe and I were joking around because there are a lot of pretty girls on the show so I made comment of how he would so easily leave me for a few of them. He made a point to say that at least they are the ONLY girls he would leave me for. So chances are that he wont leave me. After that, he said that he has never been with a girl as long as he's been with me consistently. His other relationships were very on and off, where as ours has now been lasting almost five months. It was cute. He made me smile. It was good.
Now for my Monday, I had work. I really adore my girls though. My younger girls were adorable. We worked on spotting and we really need to work some more. Then when I got my older girls, I really felt accomplished. I let them leap over me to work on their leaps. I'm so proud of them. A lot of them got a lot more air and kept their legs straight. The leaps were gorgeous. One of my girls, who is very nervous and is lacking confident, was simply beaming and HAD to show her mom. It made me smile.
I'm nervous to start choreographing for the show. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I don't know if I can keep up with all of it, but I'm going to try my hardest. I think I'll need help and a lot of support, so hopefully I will have that.
As for my health, I am doing a bit better. I am trying to fix my numbers with my anemia by taking iron supplements and eating a bit more meat. I am trying to drink less soda as well. It is really difficult because of the fact that I don't eat much in general. I have to go back to the doctor next month, get my blood drawn again and hopefully my numbers will be more normal. Can only hope.
Well, I need to work on school work. Bah. The life of a 21 year old. Aren't I supposed to be out drinking and partying? Eh, oh well, I wouldn't trade my life for anything at this point.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Up up and away
So as I have been posting rather frequently, I have been having major health issues. Well, last Friday, I finally went and got my blood tested. I got my results today and they are saying that there is inflammation in my body, but it isn't anything serious. Which I am very thankful for.
With all this happening, my boyfriend has been very worried and has been consistently asking if there is anything I need from him. It's super cute.
Anyway this post is actually about what I made this blog about: work and school/life.
This was my first week at my first job, and with being sick, it wasn't going too well for me. I was sitting and watching a lot which isn't very fun when you're a ballet instructor. But today, the owner of the studio, left! AH! I had nothing planned for class! But I pulled it off and I already love my girls. I am so thankful to have this job. I think it is what I needed to finally get myself back into the dance world. Because I am teaching these girls what it takes to be a dancer, which are the exact things that were squished in me due to my very harsh instructors at UNLV. Building it in these girls is reminding me of how important they are and in turn it is rebuilding it in myself. It's wonderful. I can't imagine getting paid for this, but I am.
As for school, this is my first week back after a winter break, and I'm not going to lie, I have been slacking. I think its due to the fact that I have been ill so I haven't really wanted to do much other than sleep, which I have done a lot of. But it was nice to have the two weeks off. And from what I have seen today (because I was a good student and did all my work today) this week will be fairly easy and mostly based on opinions. I am so thankful to be back in school, plus have a job that I enjoy. It is really starting to make feel better about everything that I went through. I feel like all my struggles were finally worth something.
2013 is my year. I am determined to make that true.
With all this happening, my boyfriend has been very worried and has been consistently asking if there is anything I need from him. It's super cute.
Anyway this post is actually about what I made this blog about: work and school/life.
This was my first week at my first job, and with being sick, it wasn't going too well for me. I was sitting and watching a lot which isn't very fun when you're a ballet instructor. But today, the owner of the studio, left! AH! I had nothing planned for class! But I pulled it off and I already love my girls. I am so thankful to have this job. I think it is what I needed to finally get myself back into the dance world. Because I am teaching these girls what it takes to be a dancer, which are the exact things that were squished in me due to my very harsh instructors at UNLV. Building it in these girls is reminding me of how important they are and in turn it is rebuilding it in myself. It's wonderful. I can't imagine getting paid for this, but I am.
As for school, this is my first week back after a winter break, and I'm not going to lie, I have been slacking. I think its due to the fact that I have been ill so I haven't really wanted to do much other than sleep, which I have done a lot of. But it was nice to have the two weeks off. And from what I have seen today (because I was a good student and did all my work today) this week will be fairly easy and mostly based on opinions. I am so thankful to be back in school, plus have a job that I enjoy. It is really starting to make feel better about everything that I went through. I feel like all my struggles were finally worth something.
2013 is my year. I am determined to make that true.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
So much changes in a year
It was also at this time (January 2nd, 2012) that I realized I had royally messed up an amazing friendship I had with Gabe by giving him a letter telling him how I really felt. By this time, he hadn't talked to me since Thanksgiving.
I was traveling back to my mom's house a lot for sanctuary from where I was living in Eugene. Though I loved my jobs, I felt like I was doing nothing in my life because I wasn't in school like everyone else my age. I was working myself like crazy though. I had four consistent jobs that never let me rest. Even on my days off, I was still on call... and chances were, they would call.
As much as I miss my friends in Eugene, and as much as I miss my co-workers, the kids I watched after and a few of my bosses, I have to say that I am happy to be where I am today (January 2nd, 2013).
I am finally back in school, and doing better than I have ever done in the history of my schooling. I am realizing more and more each day who I am and that I am strong and confident. I will be starting my dream job of being a dance teacher on Monday thanks to a wonderful opportunity that was brought into my life. And, like I told Gabe on New Years when we were out watching the fireworks... I am happy to be his and that I never thought I would get the opportunity to be in his arms and say that I'm his. So much has changed in a year. I lost my "big brother"/best friend, and gained other close friends. I get to be with the guy that I've had my eye on since high school, even though a year ago he fell of the face of the planet in my life. My dad got married, my mom got a boyfriend. I started school and got back into dance.As much as I went through this last year, I honestly am so thankful that I did. How blessed am I to have gone through all the hardships? They are the only way I learned how to be happy even in the darkest moments, because there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm excited to see what 2013 has in store for me. I'm sure there will be many more ups and downs with Gabe, but even those are starting to lessen as we get more of an idea of what each other wants from the other as well as what we want to give of ourselves. I'm sure that I'll stress more and more about school. I'm sure I'll fight with friends and parents. But you know what, each day is a new day and each experience is there to teach us. So bring it on 2013, I have a feeling it's going to be a good year for me. Full of smiles, joys, laughter and love.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy January 1st
Hey everyone. Now that the craze of the holiday seasons are done, I'm finally able to relax and write. Imagine that.
Hope everyone's holidays were amazing and that you brought in the New Year with a bang last night/this morning. I know I did.
This Christmas though, really made me miss my family. We used to all get together at my mom's house and celebrate with a feast. Oh man, there would be so many people. But this year, we celebrated with a different family and though I was happy to help make their Christmas a happy one, I couldn't help but miss my own family a lot.
For Christmas I got:
a new sweatshirt, cute boots, new jeans from my mom and her boyfriend
a charm for my pandora bracelet from my dad and his wife (they had previously given me some money for my trip to Vegas as well)
new shoes that I bought myself
slippers, penguin pajamas, oregon duck sweatpants, a movie and an electric blanket from my boyfriend.
It was wonderful having him this year. I got invited to all his family dinners, and did end up attending one. It was intimidating because it was the first time I had met his mom, not to mention I met his "second mom" as well. But it was fun and they were really sweet. His mom even gave me a bunch of lavendar, and let me tell you, my room smells amazing because of it.
As for New Years, I thought it was going to be a huge downer. I had made plans with a bunch of friends but all of them fell through. So a night at home, eating pizza, drinking and watching movies was in store. But then my boyfriend showed up and saved the day. He stayed for the longest time and I was really happy. At midnight, we went out onto my back deck and watched all the fireworks. It was really nice.
This season has been the first time ever that I have had a boyfriend for any of the holidays, from my birthday (in November) to New Years. Though it's been rocky between him and I these last four months, I wouldn't change any of it. We're going to be coming up on five months at the end of this month, and he's finally starting to get used to the idea that I'm not going anywhere. He's laughing because our 6 month will be just a few days after Valentine's day, which is my favorite holiday, so he's going to try to really impress me with something. I'm really anxious.
As for school, I'm still going strong. All A's and B's which is amazing and a huge relief. Scholarships are starting to come in, and things seemed to be all worked out. *knock on wood*.
My health is starting to be less of a concern, but we're still watching closely for anything else.
I also start working at a new dance studio next week, which will be nice. I'll be getting paid, and not having to give my money back to the studio for rent. It'll be amazing.
So far, 2013 is off to an amazing start for me, hope it is for you guys too.
New Years resolution that my boyfriend made for me:
smile more, laugh more and be confident.
My New Years resolution:
write at least once a week, it's therapeutic and nice to be able to feel like I'm talking to someone.
Hope everyone's holidays were amazing and that you brought in the New Year with a bang last night/this morning. I know I did.
This Christmas though, really made me miss my family. We used to all get together at my mom's house and celebrate with a feast. Oh man, there would be so many people. But this year, we celebrated with a different family and though I was happy to help make their Christmas a happy one, I couldn't help but miss my own family a lot.
For Christmas I got:
a new sweatshirt, cute boots, new jeans from my mom and her boyfriend
a charm for my pandora bracelet from my dad and his wife (they had previously given me some money for my trip to Vegas as well)
new shoes that I bought myself
slippers, penguin pajamas, oregon duck sweatpants, a movie and an electric blanket from my boyfriend.
It was wonderful having him this year. I got invited to all his family dinners, and did end up attending one. It was intimidating because it was the first time I had met his mom, not to mention I met his "second mom" as well. But it was fun and they were really sweet. His mom even gave me a bunch of lavendar, and let me tell you, my room smells amazing because of it.
As for New Years, I thought it was going to be a huge downer. I had made plans with a bunch of friends but all of them fell through. So a night at home, eating pizza, drinking and watching movies was in store. But then my boyfriend showed up and saved the day. He stayed for the longest time and I was really happy. At midnight, we went out onto my back deck and watched all the fireworks. It was really nice.
This season has been the first time ever that I have had a boyfriend for any of the holidays, from my birthday (in November) to New Years. Though it's been rocky between him and I these last four months, I wouldn't change any of it. We're going to be coming up on five months at the end of this month, and he's finally starting to get used to the idea that I'm not going anywhere. He's laughing because our 6 month will be just a few days after Valentine's day, which is my favorite holiday, so he's going to try to really impress me with something. I'm really anxious.
As for school, I'm still going strong. All A's and B's which is amazing and a huge relief. Scholarships are starting to come in, and things seemed to be all worked out. *knock on wood*.
My health is starting to be less of a concern, but we're still watching closely for anything else.
I also start working at a new dance studio next week, which will be nice. I'll be getting paid, and not having to give my money back to the studio for rent. It'll be amazing.
So far, 2013 is off to an amazing start for me, hope it is for you guys too.
New Years resolution that my boyfriend made for me:
smile more, laugh more and be confident.
My New Years resolution:
write at least once a week, it's therapeutic and nice to be able to feel like I'm talking to someone.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Lost... when I thought I was found.
Hey loves,
So sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I can't use the fact that I haven't had time because I have. I just really haven't had much to say I guess.
But since my last posting, a lot has happened which makes it so I should have a lot to say, right?
Anyway, I'm tired of writing things like recaps so I'm just going to write until I can't write anymore.
Starting with my trip to Vegas.
I went back to Vegas the first week of December to see my friends and celebrate my birthday. Oh gosh, I miss it so much. I want to move back there, but I'm unable to right now. I miss all my friends, but mostly I just miss feeling like I mean something. All of my friends here in Oregon are great and wonderful, but I don't feel like I mean anything to most of them. I can go weeks without talking to most of my friends here and its not a problem. I can't even go days without talking to my Vegas friends.
I also saw one of the guys I had a major crush on when I lived there. He hasn't changed. He's still oh so charming. He "kidnapped" me on my last night there, and took me out to Red Rock so that I could see a 180 of the gorgeous city. My city... my home. It was beyond gorgeous. Everything being lit up. It was also at that time that he told me he got accepted into the Navy. He's greatly excited, and I'm happy for him.
The entire time I was there, my boyfriend and I were on the verge of issues and I could tell. He didn't call me once, and he only started a conversation once. All the while, my friend who went with me was getting nightly calls from her boyfriend, and they have the worst relationship I know. It didn't help.
On the last day, I text my boyfriend saying that I feel like I don't get a lot of attention, he threw back that he feels the same. Oh man, did that piss me off. I mean, I'm the one who starts 90% of the text conversations, I'm the one who shows up at his work at least once every week... and I don't give him attention. Gah! After he could tell that I was upset, he said we would simply talk when I got home.
When I got home, we didn't talk though. He made a joke about it... that's about it. Then things seemed okay. Then things started getting to me, and as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I like to go out, be around people and have fun. Well my boyfriend has a fear of being in large crowds of people so him going out with me never happens. I say that its fine, but I hate it. No one see's us together, and I know that's not important, but I'm tired of always being either at my house or at his. I want to go out, I want to have fun.
So I started going to a local bar, and it's great. I love it. There's dancing and really good music. Only issue is, I sit there... wishing my boyfriend would join. Its starting to get annoying.
The other day was his birthday, so I went and took him cookies at work and then went over to his house later. It was great. We were hanging out with his roommates and it was comfortable. My boyfriend and I were up until 5am talking... but that's where another issue kind of came in. I was cuddling up to him and trying to get him to cuddle up to me too... then he started talking about his exs. What even?!
I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so used to dating guys who's attention is mine without a fight, but I'm fighting so hard to get my current boyfriend's attention to where I'm stressed and tired all the time. Like seriously, I feel like I could sleep for days.
I wish I could talk to my friends about this, but all they say is "if you're not happy with him break it off". I care about my boyfriend so much, that's why this all hurts like hell. I just... I don't know what to do. I wish that there was a way to get things to be back to the night when him and I first kissed. Before we were dating. That night was perfect (I'm fairly sure I wrote about it in another blog.... http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-164-june-24th-2011-pit-stop-and.html )
Well, that night was a great night, because not only did I get a kiss from Gabe (our first kiss) but it was the way he did it. He grabbed me for a hug, as I said, and we were talking as he just held me there... in the middle of the street. Then all of a sudden, he dipped me and kissed me. It was perfect. I want to go back to that. I want us to be like that again. I know it's been over a year since that day, but why did things have to change so much? I just wish I knew what to do.
So sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I can't use the fact that I haven't had time because I have. I just really haven't had much to say I guess.
But since my last posting, a lot has happened which makes it so I should have a lot to say, right?
Anyway, I'm tired of writing things like recaps so I'm just going to write until I can't write anymore.
Starting with my trip to Vegas.
I went back to Vegas the first week of December to see my friends and celebrate my birthday. Oh gosh, I miss it so much. I want to move back there, but I'm unable to right now. I miss all my friends, but mostly I just miss feeling like I mean something. All of my friends here in Oregon are great and wonderful, but I don't feel like I mean anything to most of them. I can go weeks without talking to most of my friends here and its not a problem. I can't even go days without talking to my Vegas friends.
I also saw one of the guys I had a major crush on when I lived there. He hasn't changed. He's still oh so charming. He "kidnapped" me on my last night there, and took me out to Red Rock so that I could see a 180 of the gorgeous city. My city... my home. It was beyond gorgeous. Everything being lit up. It was also at that time that he told me he got accepted into the Navy. He's greatly excited, and I'm happy for him.
The entire time I was there, my boyfriend and I were on the verge of issues and I could tell. He didn't call me once, and he only started a conversation once. All the while, my friend who went with me was getting nightly calls from her boyfriend, and they have the worst relationship I know. It didn't help.
On the last day, I text my boyfriend saying that I feel like I don't get a lot of attention, he threw back that he feels the same. Oh man, did that piss me off. I mean, I'm the one who starts 90% of the text conversations, I'm the one who shows up at his work at least once every week... and I don't give him attention. Gah! After he could tell that I was upset, he said we would simply talk when I got home.
When I got home, we didn't talk though. He made a joke about it... that's about it. Then things seemed okay. Then things started getting to me, and as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I like to go out, be around people and have fun. Well my boyfriend has a fear of being in large crowds of people so him going out with me never happens. I say that its fine, but I hate it. No one see's us together, and I know that's not important, but I'm tired of always being either at my house or at his. I want to go out, I want to have fun.
So I started going to a local bar, and it's great. I love it. There's dancing and really good music. Only issue is, I sit there... wishing my boyfriend would join. Its starting to get annoying.
The other day was his birthday, so I went and took him cookies at work and then went over to his house later. It was great. We were hanging out with his roommates and it was comfortable. My boyfriend and I were up until 5am talking... but that's where another issue kind of came in. I was cuddling up to him and trying to get him to cuddle up to me too... then he started talking about his exs. What even?!
I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so used to dating guys who's attention is mine without a fight, but I'm fighting so hard to get my current boyfriend's attention to where I'm stressed and tired all the time. Like seriously, I feel like I could sleep for days.
I wish I could talk to my friends about this, but all they say is "if you're not happy with him break it off". I care about my boyfriend so much, that's why this all hurts like hell. I just... I don't know what to do. I wish that there was a way to get things to be back to the night when him and I first kissed. Before we were dating. That night was perfect (I'm fairly sure I wrote about it in another blog.... http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-164-june-24th-2011-pit-stop-and.html )
Well, that night was a great night, because not only did I get a kiss from Gabe (our first kiss) but it was the way he did it. He grabbed me for a hug, as I said, and we were talking as he just held me there... in the middle of the street. Then all of a sudden, he dipped me and kissed me. It was perfect. I want to go back to that. I want us to be like that again. I know it's been over a year since that day, but why did things have to change so much? I just wish I knew what to do.
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