So, as my evening draws to an end, and as cruddy as this evening/night has been... I have to say... I just had a very uplifting feeling.
I can achieve whatever goal I actually want, if I put my mind to it.
Most of these thoughts are coming from the fact that I had teachers tell me at UNLV that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my dancing because I wasn't good enough, now I'm a dance teacher. Then when I got injured at UNLV my doctor said that if I didn't wear my cast through at least February of 2011 and go to Physical Therapy at least three times a week, that the chances of me ever dancing (let alone tapping) were practically down the drain. Yet, I took my boot off December of 2010 and am actually keeping up in my intermediate/advanced tap class and am dancing three nights almost every week. And then starting in October, I'll be dancing Monday through Friday. Though this thought scares me due to the words of my teachers and doctor, I think I've proven to myself that I can do this and that they were wrong.
I can do this. I'm a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. For the longest time I wondered if I had purposefully willed myself to get injured at UNLV so I could come home. I'm sure that thought will haunt me the rest of my life, but for tonight, I know I didn't do it. I just wasn't meant to be there at that point in my life. I was meant to come back to Oregon and do everything that I have done. I have found a second path for my life that will probably be more secure than my dancing (child psychology) and I have built up my resume. I have failed, fallen and have had to rise again because there wasn't any other option. I'm ready to go back now and fight. Maybe not at UNLV, but I'm ready to continue my major in dance after I get my minor taken care of. I will go back to Vegas, and I will get my major. But this time, I'll wait till I know it's time.
Keep your head up, loves. You can do it.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
On the verdge of tears
I hate feeling like this just a few days after my last blog and I was so chipper and happy. Now it feels like that happiness is shot to hell.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:
Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
A little more optimistic... who wouldn't be?
Hey everyone,
Sorry that I haven't really posted in a few days, but it's been a little crazy on my end.
This last Saturday (8/25) , I was in my dad's wedding. Most of my family came up here to help celebrate so I was busy running around trying to be there for my dad (mainly because I was best WOman).
That's the thing, I know I don't have a great or even good relationship with my dad, but I'm still trying because I don't want things to end up worse than what they are. I've seen my sister and her dad, and they don't even talk anymore... I don't think I could be strong enough to not talk to my dad as much as him and I don't get along or respect each other. He's still my dad.
With that though, I really felt alone because I didn't have anyone to really talk to about everything that I was feeling about the wedding. Luckily my best upon best friend was able to show up and keep me sane. I love her for it so much that I don't think she will ever fully understand. She made the entire day so much better and more liveable. So, though I don't know if she still reads my writing, I'd like to thank her for always being the best friend I could ever ask for.
Now for what this post is really about: the lovely "love" life.
So, it is NO secret at all that I have liked the same guy since about Junior year in high school (possibly before that, can't really remember). We became really close friends and we both knew how the other felt but everything just seemed to make a relationship impossible. Being told that there was never any chance tore me so apart that I finally wrote him a letter saying how I felt. That blew up in my face and we ended up not talking for about six months. Worse six months of my life since he is seriously one of my best friends.
Well, once him and I started talking again, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't ever talk about him and I as being more than friends. Figured I would rather have him in my life than out of it.
A few weeks ago we were talking and he asked me to hang out with him. Of course, I said yes and I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of that day. With this, my hopes started to build a little bit hoping that maybe I'm finally getting a chance. But after that day, every plan that was made kept falling through and my hopes of anything were crushed. Since I didn't see any point in letting my hopes build up more I started going out on small dates with a different guy. It was great and he treated me amazingly... till I got a text saying that he had re-met up with someone from high school and they decided to pursue a relationship. Well, crap. Then I was by myself again.
A few nights ago, I decided to stop by my friend's (first guy) work to bug him... like I normally do. I ran and got him lunch and we made plans to hang out the next day (which, was yesterday the 28th) after he got off work. I was excited and a little nervous but I was trying to think nothing of it because we are friends.
Now we're to yesterday, he came over after work, like he said he would and we ate some pizza and attempted to watch a movie (the DVD player was being stubborn and wouldn't let the disk play), so instead we talked and cuddled like we often do.
I asked what was on his mind and he mentioned that he had said we were dating and that he didn't think I understood or caught it. I told him that it could mean a lot of things and then explained that it could mean casual dating (where you can still see other people) or it could mean dating as in a relationship. He said to go with the second one.
So yeah, I know the last post was saying how dreams don't come true... but this is the guy that drives the truck I was waiting for... and now... we're dating.
Sorry that I haven't really posted in a few days, but it's been a little crazy on my end.
This last Saturday (8/25) , I was in my dad's wedding. Most of my family came up here to help celebrate so I was busy running around trying to be there for my dad (mainly because I was best WOman).
That's the thing, I know I don't have a great or even good relationship with my dad, but I'm still trying because I don't want things to end up worse than what they are. I've seen my sister and her dad, and they don't even talk anymore... I don't think I could be strong enough to not talk to my dad as much as him and I don't get along or respect each other. He's still my dad.
With that though, I really felt alone because I didn't have anyone to really talk to about everything that I was feeling about the wedding. Luckily my best upon best friend was able to show up and keep me sane. I love her for it so much that I don't think she will ever fully understand. She made the entire day so much better and more liveable. So, though I don't know if she still reads my writing, I'd like to thank her for always being the best friend I could ever ask for.
Now for what this post is really about: the lovely "love" life.
So, it is NO secret at all that I have liked the same guy since about Junior year in high school (possibly before that, can't really remember). We became really close friends and we both knew how the other felt but everything just seemed to make a relationship impossible. Being told that there was never any chance tore me so apart that I finally wrote him a letter saying how I felt. That blew up in my face and we ended up not talking for about six months. Worse six months of my life since he is seriously one of my best friends.
Well, once him and I started talking again, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't ever talk about him and I as being more than friends. Figured I would rather have him in my life than out of it.
A few weeks ago we were talking and he asked me to hang out with him. Of course, I said yes and I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of that day. With this, my hopes started to build a little bit hoping that maybe I'm finally getting a chance. But after that day, every plan that was made kept falling through and my hopes of anything were crushed. Since I didn't see any point in letting my hopes build up more I started going out on small dates with a different guy. It was great and he treated me amazingly... till I got a text saying that he had re-met up with someone from high school and they decided to pursue a relationship. Well, crap. Then I was by myself again.
A few nights ago, I decided to stop by my friend's (first guy) work to bug him... like I normally do. I ran and got him lunch and we made plans to hang out the next day (which, was yesterday the 28th) after he got off work. I was excited and a little nervous but I was trying to think nothing of it because we are friends.
Now we're to yesterday, he came over after work, like he said he would and we ate some pizza and attempted to watch a movie (the DVD player was being stubborn and wouldn't let the disk play), so instead we talked and cuddled like we often do.
I asked what was on his mind and he mentioned that he had said we were dating and that he didn't think I understood or caught it. I told him that it could mean a lot of things and then explained that it could mean casual dating (where you can still see other people) or it could mean dating as in a relationship. He said to go with the second one.
So yeah, I know the last post was saying how dreams don't come true... but this is the guy that drives the truck I was waiting for... and now... we're dating.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Too bad there's no such thing as...
Why am I expected to be okay with everything that is going on? Is it such a bad thing that I'm not? I have a ton of things going on that I have no other option than to be okay with it but when I'm not okay with just one thing it stresses others out or makes them uncomfortable.
I'm 20 years old and haven't lived under a parent's reign for 2 years. Why should I be okay with being back? I'm dealing with it and that's as good as I can do. I am sorry if that isn't good enough for you but it's rude to ask for more than what I am capable of.
The real reason I even moved back was because I'm scared to death. I know I can't fail very easily here. I have safety nets and padding all around me. I can't fall here. Where as, if I go somewhere I want to and feel like I belong... I'm vulnerable. I could and would fail at least once in everything I tried. I already have but for where I want my life to go next... failing is my biggest fear.
I want to leave Oregon and never turn back. Last time I left with baggage that brought me back, the next time I leave... I want it to be with no regrets. I know I am not at that point yet... which is why I haven't left. As proof of how I know I can't leave without regrets: as I sit out in my driveway writing this... I keep stopping to look down the street in hopes that I see his truck....
Too bad there's no such thing as a "dream come true".
I'm 20 years old and haven't lived under a parent's reign for 2 years. Why should I be okay with being back? I'm dealing with it and that's as good as I can do. I am sorry if that isn't good enough for you but it's rude to ask for more than what I am capable of.
The real reason I even moved back was because I'm scared to death. I know I can't fail very easily here. I have safety nets and padding all around me. I can't fall here. Where as, if I go somewhere I want to and feel like I belong... I'm vulnerable. I could and would fail at least once in everything I tried. I already have but for where I want my life to go next... failing is my biggest fear.
I want to leave Oregon and never turn back. Last time I left with baggage that brought me back, the next time I leave... I want it to be with no regrets. I know I am not at that point yet... which is why I haven't left. As proof of how I know I can't leave without regrets: as I sit out in my driveway writing this... I keep stopping to look down the street in hopes that I see his truck....
Too bad there's no such thing as a "dream come true".
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Dual posting... with a little about some collegeness.
Rant 1:
Me: ".... can I just say that I'm scared..."
Waaaait a minute... why can't it be about me for once? I don't get a chance to express how I feel? I listen to so many of my friend's problems but then when I finally speak up and say that I'm having an issue it gets ignored until they choose it's time to talk about it?! I'm so done with this crap. I don't deserve this. I listen to the same problem over and over for years on end from the same people, but then when I mention that I'm nervous or scared about something then it just gets passed over. Ugh. I'm so tired of these people who are my so called friends treating me like this. At least I know who my real friends are. Thanks for that.
Rant 2:
I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I have waited for a chance with this guy for a few years now and... now I'm scared. 'cause what if I get the chance and things work out? I know I'd be happy... What if he is just giving me the chance because he knows it's what I want? If I found that out, I'd be heart broken. And then what if... what if I don't get a chance at all and all this is, is simply a glimmer?
I can't handle being hurt anymore...
I'm so scared 'cause I've wanted this for so long. I'm scared to believe it and have it taken from me, but I'm scared to ignore it and miss my chance. But then on top of all of that... I'm scared to get hurt like I have been while waiting.
I'm so used to hearing that there isn't a chance, so now what am I supposed to think?
Collegeness:
I finished my first week of the second round. I'm happy to report that I finished the first week with perfect scores on my papers and in participation. YAY! Go me!
Also, I'm able to win 5,500 dollars in scholarship! Ooo, if only I would get so lucky! Send good vibes my way, please and thank you!
Me: ".... can I just say that I'm scared..."
Friend: "About *guy*?"
Me: "majorly..."
Friend: "Oh my god!!!!!! Have you seen the photo that syas " So you still think homosexuality is sinful?"
Me: "majorly..."
Friend: "Oh my god!!!!!! Have you seen the photo that syas " So you still think homosexuality is sinful?"
Waaaait a minute... why can't it be about me for once? I don't get a chance to express how I feel? I listen to so many of my friend's problems but then when I finally speak up and say that I'm having an issue it gets ignored until they choose it's time to talk about it?! I'm so done with this crap. I don't deserve this. I listen to the same problem over and over for years on end from the same people, but then when I mention that I'm nervous or scared about something then it just gets passed over. Ugh. I'm so tired of these people who are my so called friends treating me like this. At least I know who my real friends are. Thanks for that.
Rant 2:
I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I have waited for a chance with this guy for a few years now and... now I'm scared. 'cause what if I get the chance and things work out? I know I'd be happy... What if he is just giving me the chance because he knows it's what I want? If I found that out, I'd be heart broken. And then what if... what if I don't get a chance at all and all this is, is simply a glimmer?
I can't handle being hurt anymore...
I'm so scared 'cause I've wanted this for so long. I'm scared to believe it and have it taken from me, but I'm scared to ignore it and miss my chance. But then on top of all of that... I'm scared to get hurt like I have been while waiting.
I'm so used to hearing that there isn't a chance, so now what am I supposed to think?
Collegeness:
I finished my first week of the second round. I'm happy to report that I finished the first week with perfect scores on my papers and in participation. YAY! Go me!
Also, I'm able to win 5,500 dollars in scholarship! Ooo, if only I would get so lucky! Send good vibes my way, please and thank you!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
A little more optimistic
So, compared to the last time I wrote, things are looking up a little bit.
I'm still having the problems with family, and now we can add guys on top of that (which I'll hit on in a moment) but I am back in school.
I am just completing my first week of round 2 of my classes and though it is stressful since I'm self reliant for online schooling. It feels good to know that my life is still moving forward and I'm not totally stuck in a rut.
Thanks to all who messaged me or commented on my last post, seeing that people actually read what I write and care to talk to me or give me some encouraging words... or even just let me know I'm not alone... it really does help and I adore each of you for everything you've said.
As for the guys:
It seems like every guy I've had feelings for lately, ends up liking one of my friends. It really kind of sucks, but what I try to keep in mind is that if they like my friend, every person deserves to be happy. I don't need a guy to make me happy, I'm in control of my own happiness.
Also, I start dance next month. Super excited. I'll be taking Jazz Hiphop, Tap and maybe Ballet. There is no expressing how excited I am about this.
Thank you for listening, understanding and talking to me everyone. It really helps motivate me.
I'm still having the problems with family, and now we can add guys on top of that (which I'll hit on in a moment) but I am back in school.
I am just completing my first week of round 2 of my classes and though it is stressful since I'm self reliant for online schooling. It feels good to know that my life is still moving forward and I'm not totally stuck in a rut.
Thanks to all who messaged me or commented on my last post, seeing that people actually read what I write and care to talk to me or give me some encouraging words... or even just let me know I'm not alone... it really does help and I adore each of you for everything you've said.
As for the guys:
It seems like every guy I've had feelings for lately, ends up liking one of my friends. It really kind of sucks, but what I try to keep in mind is that if they like my friend, every person deserves to be happy. I don't need a guy to make me happy, I'm in control of my own happiness.
Also, I start dance next month. Super excited. I'll be taking Jazz Hiphop, Tap and maybe Ballet. There is no expressing how excited I am about this.
Thank you for listening, understanding and talking to me everyone. It really helps motivate me.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
It'll happen
So, I haven't posted because there's been nothing to write but there's been way too much going on.
Let's start with the non-related parts of this:
I finally moved away from Eugene and have moved back to Medford. Though I dislike this town with a passion, I feel it is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I ran away from a lot of problems when I left here about two years ago, and those problems have been following me since. It's time that I face them and fix them.
I had to quit all my jobs, pack and move. I moved back in with my mom till it's time for us to part ways again. It's been stressful, but I don't want to fight with anyone anymore. I've expressed that I haven't felt supported by anyone since I left this town and feel it even less now than I ever have. I know hearing that hurt her, but it's about time I finally speak my truth rather than staying quiet to protect others, which in turn just hurts me.
I've also expressed that I feel the need to either go see a psychologist or get heavy duty back into dance. In one way or another, I know I need therapy. This is becoming more evident as the days pass because I know that I'm not okay, emotionally or mentally. But I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems, nor do I think I can actually bring myself to talk about some of my "issues".
With all of that, it hasn't helped that I'm struggling to find a new job, which is also causing me to struggle with money. Everyone around (adults in my life... meaning my parents and their significant others) have been "picking on me" about not being independent and having to pay for stuff (like food and my dad still helps me out with my rent)... I'm really starting to tear myself apart due to this "teasing" because I was on my own for two years, give or take, and I feel like a failure for having to be back to having my parents help support me. Sad thing is, I've felt this since before I moved back because I knew it was going to be like this, and yet, no one knows that I feel like this. I know one of these times, someone will "tease" me and I'll finally just snap... and it isn't going to be pretty.
I'm excited to start dancing again though, I've been back to the ballroom twice and oh goodness how I've missed dancing. Though I can tell my endurance, strength and patience within myself has gone down greatly. But dance season starts soon and I'm hoping to be able to take tap, hiphop and hopefully either jazz or ballet. But I'll know more about that as fall approaches.
As for my friends, I'm sure they are fine. I am so used to them being crazy to see me, that when I got here and no one jumped the gun to come see me. I've been home for a month and a few days and I've only seen about eight friends, most of which were for short periods of time due to me stopping and bugging them at work. This kind of ties into the fact that I feel like I have little to no support because not even my friends seem to want to stop in and make sure that I'm okay, or even just hang out.
Now for the school part:
I haven't been in school for months due to Phoenix being stupid and not figuring out my paperwork. I finally have it all turned in to my knowledge, I got a call saying that I should be starting classes again here soon. But then a few days after that call I got another call from my financial adviser saying that my paperwork wasn't turned in. I'm getting SO BEYOND discouraged that I'm close to quitting again. I know I can't, but I'm so on the verdge of it that it's not even funny.
So, hopefully all of it will figure itself out. It has to. It'll happen... I hope.
Let's start with the non-related parts of this:
I finally moved away from Eugene and have moved back to Medford. Though I dislike this town with a passion, I feel it is right where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I ran away from a lot of problems when I left here about two years ago, and those problems have been following me since. It's time that I face them and fix them.
I had to quit all my jobs, pack and move. I moved back in with my mom till it's time for us to part ways again. It's been stressful, but I don't want to fight with anyone anymore. I've expressed that I haven't felt supported by anyone since I left this town and feel it even less now than I ever have. I know hearing that hurt her, but it's about time I finally speak my truth rather than staying quiet to protect others, which in turn just hurts me.
I've also expressed that I feel the need to either go see a psychologist or get heavy duty back into dance. In one way or another, I know I need therapy. This is becoming more evident as the days pass because I know that I'm not okay, emotionally or mentally. But I don't want to bother anyone else with my problems, nor do I think I can actually bring myself to talk about some of my "issues".
With all of that, it hasn't helped that I'm struggling to find a new job, which is also causing me to struggle with money. Everyone around (adults in my life... meaning my parents and their significant others) have been "picking on me" about not being independent and having to pay for stuff (like food and my dad still helps me out with my rent)... I'm really starting to tear myself apart due to this "teasing" because I was on my own for two years, give or take, and I feel like a failure for having to be back to having my parents help support me. Sad thing is, I've felt this since before I moved back because I knew it was going to be like this, and yet, no one knows that I feel like this. I know one of these times, someone will "tease" me and I'll finally just snap... and it isn't going to be pretty.
I'm excited to start dancing again though, I've been back to the ballroom twice and oh goodness how I've missed dancing. Though I can tell my endurance, strength and patience within myself has gone down greatly. But dance season starts soon and I'm hoping to be able to take tap, hiphop and hopefully either jazz or ballet. But I'll know more about that as fall approaches.
As for my friends, I'm sure they are fine. I am so used to them being crazy to see me, that when I got here and no one jumped the gun to come see me. I've been home for a month and a few days and I've only seen about eight friends, most of which were for short periods of time due to me stopping and bugging them at work. This kind of ties into the fact that I feel like I have little to no support because not even my friends seem to want to stop in and make sure that I'm okay, or even just hang out.
Now for the school part:
I haven't been in school for months due to Phoenix being stupid and not figuring out my paperwork. I finally have it all turned in to my knowledge, I got a call saying that I should be starting classes again here soon. But then a few days after that call I got another call from my financial adviser saying that my paperwork wasn't turned in. I'm getting SO BEYOND discouraged that I'm close to quitting again. I know I can't, but I'm so on the verdge of it that it's not even funny.
So, hopefully all of it will figure itself out. It has to. It'll happen... I hope.
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