Not okay

Hey all,
 so, I just need to come out and say it: I'm not doing so well, I'm really not okay. I had a check up to see how I was doing last week, and the doctor upped my dosage and expressed that she would like me on my depression/anxiety medications for at least a year and that really scares me. I don't know how I feel anymore, I don't know why I cry... and I don't understand why everything hurts. I feel so empty and like I just want to run away, but I'm stuck.
It seems that every glimpse of happiness that I barely see or that starts to bloom, I mess it up by being too scared or too busy. I feel like I can't catch a break or do anything right.
I'm really struggling and I'm really not okay at all.

I want to be.... but I'm not.
I broke down majorly today.... just started bawling and couldn't stop. I don't know why. Nothing really happened and not much is wrong, but I couldn't stop.
I'm tired of all of this. I'm tired of just always feeling like I'm standing on the edge and that I'm even alking on egg shells around myself. This isn't fun and I'm already tired of it...


I just want it to stop.

Attitudes paper for school

Attitudes

"We are each born as individuals, but where do we get our behaviors and attitudes from? Are they taught to us? Do we form them ourselves? Well, both are true. As children we learn things from our parents and everyone we are around. This is how we learn what facials to make to show that we are sad or happy, it is also how we learn to express each attitude we feel. We are more likely to show the same attitude traits as those we grew up around, especially our parents.

Then as we grow up and become more of ourselves as an individual, we take on other traits and form our own by altering the ones we were taught. These alterations can come from anything that we expose ourselves to, friends, television shows, movies, coworkers and music. Everything we expose ourselves to can have an affect on us an alter our attitudes or behaviors.

Especially who we surround ourselves with. It is seen that people take on the traits and attitudes of the people they are around, causing them to change based on the social circle they're in. I know that I, personally, will not speak the same way I speak around my friends as I do at work. Around my friends, I am making jokes left and right and am not in a professional attitude mind set at all. Obviously at work, I take on a more professional attitude and persona. Its putting on different hats and knowing when to wear each one.

The three main components of attitude are referenced as the ABC model of attitudes. A is affective component, B is behavioral and C is cognitive. Though this model is used frequently, there is evidence that the cognitive and affective components of behavior don't always match with the individual's personal behavior.

Affective component is the area that involves a person's feelings and emotions about the attitude object. This can be any emotional response: fear, sadness, happiness. This would be sentences like when you state what you're fearful of, like for me it would be "I'm scared of clowns".

Behavioral component is the attitude that influences how we act or behave. So, to tie that into the effective component, behavioral component is how we respond to our emotional response. If I were to see a clown, chances are that I would try to avoid it or walk by it quickly. This is part of the behavioral component.

The cognitive component is what the individual believes or their knowledge about the attitude objects. For my example it would be that I have had a bad experience with clowns, so that is why I'm scared of them.

Since our attitudes are related to our enduring of different things around us, how we feel, what we believe and how our behavior is developed towards social times, events or symbols - there is no questioning on why human behavior is such a complex topic. There are many levels of each emotion and different ways to express each, an not everyone expresses each the same."  

At peace

So, a few days ago, I had a spell where I felt depressed and anxious again. It made me realize how much I really dislike the place I have been for many months now.
So withdrawn... so alone.... so unhappy.
Well, for that day I just let myself be. I laid around with my puppy and watched Netflix. Just let myself breathe and be okay with being not alright.
I need to come to terms that this is another obstacle I need to get over, and its going to be hard and it wont go away because (unless this is a temporary state, like what I've read about in my texts books), I'll either have to be on medications for most of my life or I'll have to find another way to live with it without it controlling me.
That day I was having a really hard time not surrendering to the depression and the anxiety, but I spoke about it and was honest. I told everyone I came in contact with that I was feeling really uncomfortable, anxious and not well. It was nice that everyone, especially my amazing roommate, was so understanding.
The day after, I found a sense of peace. I finally started seeing the beauty in life again. The gorgeousness of a sunset with its pinks, oranges and purples. The amazing feeling that comes with laughing... and just breathing. I know this is going to be a struggle, and no, I'm not sure I'm ready to fight it yet. But I'm learning and I'm getting stronger. I realize that all of you, and everyone around me is just here to help, support and encourage... and I can not express how much that warms my heart and gives me strength.
I know I'll have my bad days, but I'm going to fight for the majority of the days to be good. I miss seeing the beauty and happiness in everything. I miss the joy and love that comes from not feeling alone... and better yet, I miss what it feels like to be truly happy.

So, thank you. For standing by me through this new stage in my life, for supporting me and for sending all those encouraging messages, comments and emails. You all are truly amazing. It means the world to me to know that I have such an amazing group of people who want me to win.

Keep smiling, everyone and enjoy the colors in this world. They truly are spectacular.

Quotes by me

So, I'm currently going through old blogs of mine, and I keep running across some things I've written that I want to remember, so here are quotes that I've personally used/created and said (this will be getting updated fairly often):


"If the sun wants to shine down while you cry, its your tears that are meant to dry. Tears fall to the ground and stains are left on your face but life is not meant to waste. Get up and go. It'll be harder if you keep moving slow. The slower the pace, the harder the race. Life is life, you just have to live it. Keep op the act, stay on the right track. You aren't meant to keep looking back. Life's ahead so that's where you look, can't close the iron covers of this book. You'll wish you could, with all your might but that is one thing that wont happen tonight. Share the smiles; laugh out loud. Its too late, can't fix it now."


"You're never too old to remember how things used to be and how things have changed. But always remember, its the people that stay in your life for so long that really deserve your time."

So,

So, my appointment was today with my doctor.
It was really hard because some of the questions they were asking, I didn't really want to answer.
I came to find out, I lost about 5 pounds... taking me down to 132.6 lbs. Not that it's an unhealthy weight, I just didn't need to lose any weight. I guess I hadn't really noticed that I haven't been eating all that much.
Anyway, my doctor said that I have high anxiety with acute depression.
We agreed that Lexapro (Escitalopram) would be the best medication for me since it is more centered around the anxiety versus the depression.
Though, I didn't really want this diagnosis, I feel proud because I was able to go in and explain my thoughts, feelings and symptoms without hesitation and state my guess on what it is. Due to my studies, I knew what medications she was talking about putting me on, and what the side effects are. So, I got to see that I really am learning different things in my studies. Super cool.
I go back in 4 weeks for a follow up to see how my body is responding to the Lexapro.
She said to watch out and really journal how I'm feeling so guess who will be writing more.
Thanks for all the support, you guys are truly awesome and the best support group anyone could ask for.

I'll be writing on the 4th of July, so keep an eye out.

I don't even know where to start....

Hey all,
oh jeez... I don't even know where to begin with this.
I guess.... from the beginning?
So, at age 12 (give or take), I was "diagnosed" with an emotional disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. Best way to describe it is how my doctors put it:

"A normal person's emotional levels run on a scale from 1 to 10, people with Hyper Sensitivity, well their emotional scale starts at about 100 and run off any possible scale to where we don't know the end"

Kinda cool, huh? No, that wasn't sarcastic.
Well, since I was "diagnosed" with that at a younger age, I've learned to live with it and overcome it for the most part.
You see, the reason why I was "diagnosed" was because I was missing a lot of school due to feeling sick, but the weird part was... I had no temperature. I had stomach aches, headaches, sore throat, sore muscles... EVERYTHING. But no temperature. I would miss weeks on end from school to where I had a nearly impossible time to keep up and catch up. Then that would stress me out and I would end up even worse off. I was in a never ending circle, and no one could figure out why or how to stop it.
So finally, my doctor had my mom take me to a psychologist and it was then that I found out about Hyper Sensitivity.
I would take all the negative things that were directed at me in such a way that it was tearing me apart. It would cause me to stress and feel very negative, then causing me to get sick. This could be anything from teachers being upset with me, fight with friends, bullies and arguments between family. Sometimes, the negativity didn't even have to be directed at me to make me feel like crap.
With the negativity causing me to sooner or later get sick, I would end up staying home from school. Well, then the school work would pile up since I had missed a day, or two... or four, so then I would feel stressed again, causing me to get sick... AGAIN!
Well, then I went to my awesome psychologist. He "diagnosed" me with Hyper Sensitivity. After more than a few sessions with him, I found out that my "disorder" was nothing to be ashamed of, and that I couldn't let it control me.
That is when I learned one of the best sayings:

"The world isn't going to change for me, I have to change the world I see".

Now, why do I put quotes around "diagnosed" and "disorder".
Well, that's simple.
You see, I don't think "diagnosed" is the right word. When people hear that word, it's usually a negative thing. Though my Hyper Sensitivity can effect me in negative ways, it doesn't always. I choose to see it as I was blessed with Hyper Sensitivity. It is in me to love all, trust all and help all. I am a happy person, loving person and care about people who I might not even know or ever meet. I am blessed to be able to feel such intense feelings towards others and myself. So, why would I put such a negative vibe towards such a positive attribute?
Then there's the word "disorder". Oh, how much I hate that word when it comes to my Hyper Sensitivity. By definition a disorder in medical terms is:

"a disruption of normal physical or mental functions; a disease or abnormal condition."

but am I not normal? Hmm, are any of us really normal?
Though I technically have an abnormal condition, I don't think it has taken a disruptive approach since I have learned what it is. I mean, yes, missing school was disruptive, but since about 6th or 7th grade when I found out about it, I haven't missed more school than the normal student. So, is my Hyper Sensitivity really that disruptive since I've acknowledged it? Meh, sometimes.
I'm not going to lie, there are still times when it gets the better of me and I do still get sick. But nothing like I used to now that I know why I'm sick and how to handle it.
Okay, so with all that aside, lets talk about what's been going on lately.
I haven't been feeling well the last few months.
At first I thought it was my Hyper Sensitivity, but even with giving it my all, I couldn't get on top of the gross feeling that I was having. So I continued on with life as if nothing was wrong.
Then it seemed to get worse. I started not wanting to do anything, see anyone or eat. I was perfectly content laying in bed, sleeping and doing nothing for days. So, I thought that maybe I was experiencing a depressive state. So, I started going out and doing things that made me happy. Those would help, but weren't a cure... then things got worse.
The past few months I've had random spurts of stomach pain. Not just any pain though, it will come on suddenly, and though I have no idea what it feels like to be stabbed with a butcher knife, I'm going to say it felt like that. It hurt and would cause me to keel over in pain. Nothing would help. I tried hot baths, Epsom salt baths,  drinking more water, Tylenol and even mydol (to rule out girly problems). Nothing, the pain would just lessen as days went by of me doing nothing but laying in bed.
Then, imagine, things got even worse.
You know that feeling where it feels like you're so on edge that it feels every possible thing will make you start to cry. Yeah, that's where I am.
I haven't felt okay in weeks and its gotten to the point where the smallest complication just makes me start crying. That's when I figured out what's been going on, or at least my best guess...

anxiety.

I knew I had anxiety, but nothing as extreme as what I've been feeling currently.
So, I try to do things for myself, like get my nails done and go dancing to help, and it does temporarily.
I thought I could handle it, but then today it got even worse. How?

Right?!

I didn't think it could either.
Well, I had plans this evening since work had told me that I didn't have to go in. I started getting ready to go out and enjoy myself. Then I got a call... it was my work and my boss decided that I did need to come in. Well, that's the fourth time this has happened when I've tried to go do something that is going to help me feel better. So, of course, I start crying... then the stomach pain starts, then a new symptom... I started vomiting. Sorry, graphic, I know... but I don't know any other words to make it less disgusting.
Guess I really do have too much on my plate for once... I'm constantly stressed, tired and on the go. I feel guilty for taking a day or two to relax because I know that there are things that need to be done.
Now that I've put my body, mind and soul/heart through all this, I finally swallowed my fear and scheduled a doctors appointment for next Wednesday.
I'm scared because I don't know what is going to happen or what is going to be said. I'm scared because if I get put on medication, there's going to be that long battle of figuring out which one I'm not allergic to.
I know I have written many papers on anxiety, I've studied it enough it school to where I could probably write my own reference book. But that almost makes it worse. I know the different outcome options and treatments, I know that this could be temporary, or life long. And that scares me.
I try so hard to keep myself going, keep others going, and to not let anyone down or have a reason to be disappointed in me... but now I've come to a road block and I'm not sure I currently have the strength to get over it. I know I will, but right now it just looks daunting.
I'm going to my doctors appointment at 2:30 on Wednesday. I need to figure this out and get on top of this. Because just like my Hyper Sensitivity... I can't let this control me.
Past that, I don't even know what to say other than... please, send positive thoughts, and love my way. I really could use them right now.

Sorry

Hey readers, sorry I've been a bad blogger. I'll write another blog later today explaining where I've been, but for now, here's one of my psychology papers:

"When looking back on the last nine weeks in this course, I don't feel that anything has really affected my personal sexual decision making. I feel like I still make decisions now the same as I did before the course. Something that this course did help with is helped me understand others' points of views and their choices of their own sexuality, whether it be their sexual identity or their sex life.

Before the course, I was very confident that I was straight, was confident in who I choose to be in a relationship with and even more confident in my choices when it comes to having a sex life. If anything, this course just made me feel stronger about my decisions because I now know that there are different studies that support what I chose.

I now see the struggles that others can possibly go through though. I've never had to be stricken with fear that I was no longer going to be accepted for who I am because of who I was attracted to or because of my gender identity. I can't imagine the fear and stress that some people go through in fear that their parents, family and friends are no longer going to love them.

I think that my environment has probably been the biggest deciding factor on my sexuality if anything other than just going with what felt natural to me. I grew up in a very religious family so that kind of shapes my entire sexual identity and choices when it comes to sex in general. My family doesn't really approve of homosexuality or sex before marriage. Though they know that sex is a natural thing and that it is seeming unrealistic to wait until after marriage, they are still highly of the opinion to wait (if not until married) as long as you can. With this, I feel that even if I were a lesbian or bisexual, I wouldn't feel that it would be a welcomed lifestyle due to my family. I don't really think that is why I'm straight since I don't find myself attracted to women, but I can say that it would be a factor if I weren't straight.

Like some of the course, it talks about the building of sexual relationships and sexual identity all through growing up, starting at infancy. I would say that I found this topic really interesting because I don't really know how I developed my gender identity. It was just natural. Ever since preschool, I've loved having attention from boys and I loved wearing dresses and feeling like a princess. I feel that really hasn't changed much, other than the fact that I now know being a woman doesn't just mean looking pretty, it is also empowering and that I'm strong. Due to different role models, I know that I have the power within myself to be able to have what I want, all I have to do is work for it.

Looking at my love life is where I really see how I've been affected by my family and my past. Due to seeing many abusive relationships, I find it hard to trust or be close to anyone. I grew up seeing that no matter how strong the love is, guys always leave. Obviously, my parents weren't great role models for me to look at when it came to relationships or love. My parents divorced when I was one, so I didn't even really grow up with love being shown towards significant others. After that, both of my parents were in “toxic” relationships, full of lies, abuse and people getting hurt. With this, as growing up and starting to date once in high school, I was never really upset when a relationship ended. I was almost always attracted to the guys where you knew they would leave the second a better offer came up. Sadly though, at the same time, I thought abuse was normal. I knew physical abuse wasn't okay and never tolerated such, but mental and emotional abuse were normal. I was always of the opinion that it was my fault anyway and that I was the one who needed fixed.

I played into it, and put up many walls because I didn't see a point, since according to my past, they were going to leave anyway. The funny thing is, I have a huge heart and welcome everyone inside it with open arms. I love everyone until I'm shown that I can't or shouldn't. Sometimes this got me into more trouble than I feel it should have. This led me down a really dark and lonely path, I felt like I wasn't attractive to anyone and that I was alone with no one to turn to. I felt like I wasn't able to be loved.

Now, I'm in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and its going on two years. I have been open about my past with him and he understands when I pull away. He stays and shows me he is here for me by literally staying next to me. I feel that I have grown in my ability to love because I now see what love is and how it really should be. No verbal abuse, no physical abuse and no mental abuse. Just respect and adoration. Growing with each other and accepting each others flaws. I have never felt so safe or comfortable with a guy until now. The thought of being alone or left never crosses my mind anymore.

There are two courses that were close to home in this course, and with that, it was hard to get through them, but I was really proud of myself that I did. Those topics being abortion and abuse. Both of these topics relate to my life, not because of me personally in sorts, but because of people in my life. I have seen a friend through an abortion and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can't imagine how hard it was and always will be for her. The topic in this course was interesting because of reading the different things that people can go through mentally and emotionally.

As for the abuse topic, sadly this one does include me. I have seen both of my parents be in abusive relationships, and some of those included my parents' significant others abusing my sister and I, emotionally, physically and mentally. I wish I had known what I could have done, even as a young child to have stopped the abuse. I was scared to tell anyone because these were my step-parents. To my knowledge they were supposed to love me, but I now know that I still had every right to protect myself. Seeing the different things and now knowing that it is a legal matter is interesting because its something I wish I had known, as well as things I share with others who I know aren't in the best relationships.

I, myself, was even in an emotionally abusive relationship. And the knowledge that I let myself be in that situation for as long as I did is still discouraging, and though the relationship was almost three years ago, I still beat myself up over it and even worse, still blame myself for it happening. Almost to the point where I can reason with it having happened, making it okay, which it isn't. Reading the different things that are out there to help people who have been victim of abuse really interested me because it made me realize that if there are that many options for recovery, then I'm obviously not alone in this pain, self-blame and self-hate. I have started talking to people about what I went through and it really is helping.

The biggest thing I will take away from this course is the things I can share with others. With wanting to be in child and family services, knowing the different signs to look for when looking for abusive situations, whether it be in the kid or the parents. I'll also be able to share the different ways they can get help for themselves. This also goes for gender identity and relationships. If I have a patient come in who is struggling with their gender identity, I know things that I can now share and hopefully it will help. I also now have stepping stones to being able to help people in relationships and wanting to make their relationships stronger. Though I don't feel this course helped me personally at this time, I think it will help me in the long run in what I want to do as a career and it has also helped me by giving me knowledge for things that could happen in the future and helping me prepare for those unpredictable items and life events."