Sorry

Hey readers, sorry I've been a bad blogger. I'll write another blog later today explaining where I've been, but for now, here's one of my psychology papers:

"When looking back on the last nine weeks in this course, I don't feel that anything has really affected my personal sexual decision making. I feel like I still make decisions now the same as I did before the course. Something that this course did help with is helped me understand others' points of views and their choices of their own sexuality, whether it be their sexual identity or their sex life.

Before the course, I was very confident that I was straight, was confident in who I choose to be in a relationship with and even more confident in my choices when it comes to having a sex life. If anything, this course just made me feel stronger about my decisions because I now know that there are different studies that support what I chose.

I now see the struggles that others can possibly go through though. I've never had to be stricken with fear that I was no longer going to be accepted for who I am because of who I was attracted to or because of my gender identity. I can't imagine the fear and stress that some people go through in fear that their parents, family and friends are no longer going to love them.

I think that my environment has probably been the biggest deciding factor on my sexuality if anything other than just going with what felt natural to me. I grew up in a very religious family so that kind of shapes my entire sexual identity and choices when it comes to sex in general. My family doesn't really approve of homosexuality or sex before marriage. Though they know that sex is a natural thing and that it is seeming unrealistic to wait until after marriage, they are still highly of the opinion to wait (if not until married) as long as you can. With this, I feel that even if I were a lesbian or bisexual, I wouldn't feel that it would be a welcomed lifestyle due to my family. I don't really think that is why I'm straight since I don't find myself attracted to women, but I can say that it would be a factor if I weren't straight.

Like some of the course, it talks about the building of sexual relationships and sexual identity all through growing up, starting at infancy. I would say that I found this topic really interesting because I don't really know how I developed my gender identity. It was just natural. Ever since preschool, I've loved having attention from boys and I loved wearing dresses and feeling like a princess. I feel that really hasn't changed much, other than the fact that I now know being a woman doesn't just mean looking pretty, it is also empowering and that I'm strong. Due to different role models, I know that I have the power within myself to be able to have what I want, all I have to do is work for it.

Looking at my love life is where I really see how I've been affected by my family and my past. Due to seeing many abusive relationships, I find it hard to trust or be close to anyone. I grew up seeing that no matter how strong the love is, guys always leave. Obviously, my parents weren't great role models for me to look at when it came to relationships or love. My parents divorced when I was one, so I didn't even really grow up with love being shown towards significant others. After that, both of my parents were in “toxic” relationships, full of lies, abuse and people getting hurt. With this, as growing up and starting to date once in high school, I was never really upset when a relationship ended. I was almost always attracted to the guys where you knew they would leave the second a better offer came up. Sadly though, at the same time, I thought abuse was normal. I knew physical abuse wasn't okay and never tolerated such, but mental and emotional abuse were normal. I was always of the opinion that it was my fault anyway and that I was the one who needed fixed.

I played into it, and put up many walls because I didn't see a point, since according to my past, they were going to leave anyway. The funny thing is, I have a huge heart and welcome everyone inside it with open arms. I love everyone until I'm shown that I can't or shouldn't. Sometimes this got me into more trouble than I feel it should have. This led me down a really dark and lonely path, I felt like I wasn't attractive to anyone and that I was alone with no one to turn to. I felt like I wasn't able to be loved.

Now, I'm in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and its going on two years. I have been open about my past with him and he understands when I pull away. He stays and shows me he is here for me by literally staying next to me. I feel that I have grown in my ability to love because I now see what love is and how it really should be. No verbal abuse, no physical abuse and no mental abuse. Just respect and adoration. Growing with each other and accepting each others flaws. I have never felt so safe or comfortable with a guy until now. The thought of being alone or left never crosses my mind anymore.

There are two courses that were close to home in this course, and with that, it was hard to get through them, but I was really proud of myself that I did. Those topics being abortion and abuse. Both of these topics relate to my life, not because of me personally in sorts, but because of people in my life. I have seen a friend through an abortion and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I can't imagine how hard it was and always will be for her. The topic in this course was interesting because of reading the different things that people can go through mentally and emotionally.

As for the abuse topic, sadly this one does include me. I have seen both of my parents be in abusive relationships, and some of those included my parents' significant others abusing my sister and I, emotionally, physically and mentally. I wish I had known what I could have done, even as a young child to have stopped the abuse. I was scared to tell anyone because these were my step-parents. To my knowledge they were supposed to love me, but I now know that I still had every right to protect myself. Seeing the different things and now knowing that it is a legal matter is interesting because its something I wish I had known, as well as things I share with others who I know aren't in the best relationships.

I, myself, was even in an emotionally abusive relationship. And the knowledge that I let myself be in that situation for as long as I did is still discouraging, and though the relationship was almost three years ago, I still beat myself up over it and even worse, still blame myself for it happening. Almost to the point where I can reason with it having happened, making it okay, which it isn't. Reading the different things that are out there to help people who have been victim of abuse really interested me because it made me realize that if there are that many options for recovery, then I'm obviously not alone in this pain, self-blame and self-hate. I have started talking to people about what I went through and it really is helping.

The biggest thing I will take away from this course is the things I can share with others. With wanting to be in child and family services, knowing the different signs to look for when looking for abusive situations, whether it be in the kid or the parents. I'll also be able to share the different ways they can get help for themselves. This also goes for gender identity and relationships. If I have a patient come in who is struggling with their gender identity, I know things that I can now share and hopefully it will help. I also now have stepping stones to being able to help people in relationships and wanting to make their relationships stronger. Though I don't feel this course helped me personally at this time, I think it will help me in the long run in what I want to do as a career and it has also helped me by giving me knowledge for things that could happen in the future and helping me prepare for those unpredictable items and life events."