So, a few days ago, I had a spell where I felt depressed and anxious again. It made me realize how much I really dislike the place I have been for many months now.
So withdrawn... so alone.... so unhappy.
Well, for that day I just let myself be. I laid around with my puppy and watched Netflix. Just let myself breathe and be okay with being not alright.
I need to come to terms that this is another obstacle I need to get over, and its going to be hard and it wont go away because (unless this is a temporary state, like what I've read about in my texts books), I'll either have to be on medications for most of my life or I'll have to find another way to live with it without it controlling me.
That day I was having a really hard time not surrendering to the depression and the anxiety, but I spoke about it and was honest. I told everyone I came in contact with that I was feeling really uncomfortable, anxious and not well. It was nice that everyone, especially my amazing roommate, was so understanding.
The day after, I found a sense of peace. I finally started seeing the beauty in life again. The gorgeousness of a sunset with its pinks, oranges and purples. The amazing feeling that comes with laughing... and just breathing. I know this is going to be a struggle, and no, I'm not sure I'm ready to fight it yet. But I'm learning and I'm getting stronger. I realize that all of you, and everyone around me is just here to help, support and encourage... and I can not express how much that warms my heart and gives me strength.
I know I'll have my bad days, but I'm going to fight for the majority of the days to be good. I miss seeing the beauty and happiness in everything. I miss the joy and love that comes from not feeling alone... and better yet, I miss what it feels like to be truly happy.
So, thank you. For standing by me through this new stage in my life, for supporting me and for sending all those encouraging messages, comments and emails. You all are truly amazing. It means the world to me to know that I have such an amazing group of people who want me to win.
Keep smiling, everyone and enjoy the colors in this world. They truly are spectacular.
Car, I am happy to hear you have been able to see a little happiness, I have been in darkness myself and I too was very grateful for finally seeing good and joy like sunsets and colorful skies.. All kinds of wonderful things :) There is joy to be had... sometimes it just takes some time to feel it, it's worth waiting for :)
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