Psychology final: a look at me and my personality development over the last 5 years

With a five year time line, I'm staring at my Junior year in high school. Over those few five years I have seen myself grow more than I thought I ever would or could. If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be as a person, I probably couldn't have even imagined being who I am today. I used to be a people pleaser, a person who dropped everything I wanted to do to make others happy and a person known to hide behind her writing journals. From that I have become a stronger, more confident and outgoing female. Though, I didn't have much of a choice in the outgoing part of that.
After high school, I moved away from my small hometown in Oregon that I had been in for eighteen years, and decided that my destination was Las Vegas, Nevada. I decided on this location because of college. I was a dance major at University of Nevada, Las Vegas. With being miles upon miles away from anyone I knew, I didn't have much of an option of becoming more outgoing: either be a hermit or get to know people. The latter of the two sounded more fun. By the time I left Las Vegas, I had more friends then I knew.

I ended up leaving UNLV five months after starting due to an injury, this is where I learned how strong of a person I am. With being a dance major, an injury takes you out of the running so I had to quit college and move back to Oregon. Before my injury, though, I had to deal with very harsh teachers. They were constantly tearing me down and telling me that I couldn't dance, then after my injury I heard that they thought I probably did it on purpose. It was really heart breaking and tore me apart emotionally. Once I got back to Oregon and got back on my feet, I started dancing again and ended up landing a few dance positions in shows and even some dance jobs for teaching. This not only built up my confidence, but made me realize how strong I really am because I didn't give up on what I wanted to do, and I didn't let others of higher authority keep me down.

I feel like a lot of things helped develop my personality. Where I grew up is a very sheltered place. Usually if you grow up here, you don't leave because it just becomes this comfort zone. This culture that I grew up in, is a very racist and judgmental culture, and I know that altered my personality because I saw how much these assumptions hurt others. I didn't want to do that. So I opened my heart and my mind, I try to take each person for who they are rather than judge them by skin, age, sex or sexual orientation.

My family showed me right from wrong, plus coping skills. With my family, religion is very much tied. My godmother is a huge part of my life since she is also my grandmother. She has helped me learn right from wrong according to the Bible, but I had a hard learning and growing experience when I told her that I wasn't going to be baptized Catholic like her. I think experiences, whether mine or ones I've witnessed, have been what affected my personality development the most.

Though I have a lot of negative moments in my life that have probably altered my trust in people or made me skeptical at times, I can't say that I would change any of them. Even the negative “episodes of life”, make me who I am and I'm proud of who I am. I am stronger than I thought I ever could be, more confident than I have ever been and happier with myself than I think a lot of people my age are with themselves. I've lost loved ones, lost friends, been in a major car accident that altered me a lot, moved multiple times and seen love destroyed, but all of it has added and mixed together to make me, me. I wouldn't want to change that for anything, and I have no want to change any of it either.

Motivations and motivation theories

The theories of motivation are instinct, incentive, drive, arousal and humanistic. Each theory is based on different personalities. A person can be driven by their motivation or even lack there of. For me, I am driven by my humanistic motivation the most. This motivation is also seen as Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This means that my motivation lays in basic needs to the need to fulfill my personal potential. Knowing that I did my best or better, is enough to drive and motivate me to do whatever it is I need to do.

Other than humanistic motivation, I think the other one I agree with most is the theory brought by Henry Murray. His theory also deals with human needs, but more in response to other things like past experiences and interaction. Being driven by individual needs is a very common motivation. Motivation to drive careful to avoid harm, and motivation to find a significant other for affection and sex. I think that most people see them as life goals and expectations rather than motivations. It has become common that people feel the need to get married, because “everyone is doing it”, but really its an instinct and, in a sense, a way of survival.

Out of the motivations, I can't seem to bring myself to fully believe in the intimacy motivation. Though I know people want and almost crave warmth and love, I wouldn't see how this would motivate people in any way other than to jump into a relationship. The want for a relationship can motivate people to do certain things like clean themselves up so they look more presentable and attractive to the opposite sex, but I do not think that intimacy is a drive for people do actually better their lives.
Though different theories can affect different people in different ways and each motivation can deal with certain aspect of life, but I think I stand strongly next to the motivations that deal with life, rather than just aspects of life. 

I know this isn't really about life, but I've been feeling unmotivated lately, and last week's class work was on motivation. So writing this really helped me realize what I need to focus on. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I start into my new classes. I'm a little nervous, but my goal is to stay ahead in this class so that I am confident that I'm doing well.
I was tempted to ask my adviser to push back my start date a week, but then I started to realize that I will be getting my associates degree within the next year... why would I want to push that back further?! Crazy girl.

This last week has been a stressful one. I've been looking for jobs and going to interviews like a crazy person. Scheduling multiple within one day and only have a few minutes in between for drive time.
Gabe and I have also been tense this week because I think we're both realizing the need for more. He constantly wants my attention and I want his, but neither of us can abide by that due to that silly thing called

LIFE.

But hey, just like usual, we'll work it out. (Speaking of Gabe and I, be sure to check out my blog posted last month: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/2013/08/365-days-worth-of-roller-coaster.html)
Last night, as my last big hoo-haw of stressless hoo-hawing I went out to the bar with my mom and it was really needed. It was at that time that I realized what it was that I was missing in my life: interaction. The only people I really see or talk to is my parents, Gabe and my best friend, Hannah. I need more than that so that's going to be what I work on: getting out there more and being social. Just because I'm an online student doesn't mean I can't have a life outside of my house. In fact, it means quite the opposite. So we'll see what happens.
I'm excited for my next round of classes, but super nervous at the same time.
One is a Psychology class ("I think therefore I am"), with a title like that, would wouldn't be nervous?! And then the other is a nutrition class. I'm scared for this one because I've grown up in a dancer's world so my view on nutrition is skewed and often times unhealthy. Hopefully I do well in this class and can let go of my 18 years of dance nutrition habits just enough to learn from this class.


Let each day be a new day, everyone. Don't carry things over. I know it is hard, but just because one day is bad, doesn't mean the rest will be. YOU have the power to change it, I promise. 
Have a good week, and enjoy the dreaded Monday.
This little blogger is sick in bed, fighting off the flu (of which I'm refusing to catch by downing Emergen-C and drinking so many liquids I'm surprised tea isn't coming out my eyes and nose), so my Monday will probably include me in bed watching Netflix and working on school work.

I needed this

So, I've been having a really difficult time right now. I've been under a lot of stress with finals and just well... *sigh* everything! So I ended up getting perfect scores on both of my finals which was really helpful in boosting my self esteem and motivation in school, but I still didn't feel like I was really getting anywhere, then today I logged on and saw this. I'm almost done with my first college degree and that's really encouraging to me.
I've been having a hard time because my friends are graduating after this school year and I'm not (I'll probably have my associates finished and be moving on to 2 more years for my bachelors) and that's been tearing me down a bit. It's made me wish that I hadn't gotten injured 3 years ago because then I wouldn't be "behind". I know I'm not "behind", but it sure feels like it. I've been hard on myself for a few weeks about it now and it's been tearing me apart.
That mixed with all the other stress in my life has made me really melancholy and kind of discouraged from everything. I haven't gotten to have fun, laugh and smile in awhile. But seeing an end to this chapter in my life, of working on my associates, is almost done. I can't wait.

Sometimes I dream too big... sometimes... just sometimes.
I get lost in the connection between real and wanted. I lose thoughts and time concentrating on what is just beyond my grasp. But sometimes, just sometimes.
On a day to day basis, I'm a dreamer and a fighter. I know what I want, and I can promise you that I will get it. But sometimes.... just sometimes, my path changes on how I'm going to get there.
I'm independent to a tee but love to have the knowledge that someone is there willing to help. Because sometimes, just sometimes I will need it.
I admit my faults, my fears and my lies but sometimes, just sometimes I wish someone saw through it all and saw that all I am in a girl waiting to have the world know who I am.
I'm a supporting shoulder and an open heart to many, a spoken truth for more and a devious mastermind to few. But sometimes, just sometimes....
I want to be me.
But who am I? With so many faces and so many stereotypes that were thrust upon me.

AAAAHHHH Just a quick once over thing

So two of my blogs got sponsored thanks to all you lovely people.
This blog here has now gotten sponsored, and my relationship blog has too!
Go subscribe to it, if you haven't already: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/



Thank you all so much for believing in me.

Too tired

(Written at 12pm)
      I feel like there is no winning... and I'm tired of trying to fight. People wondered why I was such a "door mat" back in school and its a simple answer: why fight when there's no point.
      I hardly ever get listened to... its always an argument. Sometimes I just want to explain myself or voice an idea or opinion without getting ripped to shreds. Very few people let me do that. None of which I'm related to, one of which gets paid to.
      Its hard to have the will to fight but get knocked down before I even stand up. I get told to "grow up" and to be "independent" but every time I attempt to show that those are two things that I already am, I'm not good enough.

(Written at 4pm)

      Under watchful eyes I wilt and wither. Craving for sunlight and oxygen.

Room to grow.

But under these shelters and wings, I'm stifled and suffocated. But told to blossom without the rays of sun for encouragement. 

"Be free"

I hear as I get held back.
"Stand up for yourself"

they say while stomping me to the ground.

Under watchful eyes I wilt and wither. Waiting for someone to believe in me enough to pick me and take me some place new.
Under these shelters and wings I'm stifled and suffocated, fighting my hardest to get a gasp of fresh air. I try to grow but get pushed down.

This isn't me.

I'm a flower under a tree, shading my beauty from the world... only getting sunlight when the time is convenient... only get a few drops of rain that are left from the storm.
My roots are planted but by nature, not choice.
I'm a flower, waiting to get saved... moved to new soil. But no one sees me behind this tree that's shading me, keeping me from growing...

stifling

suffocating

wilting 

withering.

Trying my hardest to stand tall till my nest turn in the sun. Trying to keep up hope but its fading in this shade. I just need someone to believe in me, some words of encouragement that I wont be stuck in this shade forever.

But I'm scared...

because,

Winter is on its way.