I don't know what to do...

I don't know if I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, but I can't take the abuse anymore. Constantly hearing how the store is sinking, that we aren't making enough sales... I want to work somewhere HAPPY. I am scared with this being my last week. I love working in sales, but the boss here is just simply rude. I feel like I'm at a cross roads and a rut. I want to go back to Vegas... I miss how I felt there and I miss my friends. But I don't know if I am ready to move again. I'm tired of living the same day over and over... it drives me crazy, I want to feel like my life is going somewhere, like I'm moving forward.
Honestly, I wish I could work online then I'd have time for my dancing. I don't know where to look for an online job though.
I need to take a trip to the coast for a few nights, clear my head.


I don't know what to do.

Second chances

Second chances. Easy two words but how many people do you give them to? How many people deserve them?
I used to give chances: second, third, fourth, twelfth, twenty third... oh so many chances. Almost like I never learned. Oh, but I did. I just wonder why I rarely got as many chances as I've given.
I know people give me chances all the time but how much did I miss out on due to not getting another chance? Would I be back together with Steven rather than being in love with Gabe? Would I still be in Vegas? Would I still be friends with Adam?
The trouble is the fact that there is no way to know.

I'm happy with my life. I love everything that I have going on and am so thankful... I just can't help but wonder.



(Don't forget to check out my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/
for a little more personal things )

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I love my mom so much and though every year I try to say exactly how much, I always end up coming back to the same quote by Washington Irving:
"A mother is the truest friend we have when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
My mom has seen me through so much that I can't even try to explain. We have had our hard times and the times where we were inseparable. We have had so many crazy adventures (camping, beach, Canada and soon to be to the Country Music Festival), she has gone on many school trips and has always been such a huge influence in my life.
I can honestly say that my mom is my biggest hero and probably my biggest fan. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I wanted and pushed me to better myself, whether this be with my dancing, acting singing or just being silly. When I announced that I was going to UNLV last minute, it was my mom that helped me pack my car and get down there with no days to spare. It was my mom who helped me move to Eugene. She was the first person I told when I decided I wanted to pursue a Psychology degree with emphasis on adolescents and Dance Therapy, and on top of that pursue it online (of which I had previous had difficulty with) and she was behind me 110% as always. She was the one person who I didn't have to convince that I can do what I am doing, she has always believed in me and encouraged me no matter how many times I had previously failed.
My mom is the strongest person I know and I love her so much for putting up with me through all these years.
I love you, mom. Happy Mother's day.

Warning: incredibly sappy update:

Warning: incredibly sappy update:
Okay, so I will finally admit that I've been having a bit of a hard time lately (especially last week). I was expecting this hard time to last a little bit, and I didn't know why. I was upset because things feel like they are at a stand still and I've been getting so easily stressed out. I'm still sad that I don't see my Molly car every day, even though I love my Allie girl. I'm mad that I don't hear from insurance and I'm getting so tired of doctors. I wanted to whine and complain and just be miserable. I was ready to curl up in my bed and just be done.
But after this last week, I can honestly say that I have the most amazing people in my life. My roommate has gone above and beyond with getting us coffee, food and bringing me smoothies to work to keep me going through the day and Monday we went Thrift shopping (what what?) and just had an insane day. Tuesday I got to talk to my dad and it was actually good. We're working on our relationship again, 'cause I miss being daddy's girl and he misses me too. I got to see my "sister" out in Ashland and though it wasn't for very long, I always feel better after talking to her.
Of course there's always my amazing mother who even though I fight with her constantly, I know she is always behind me to support me. She's made me feel better with little notes and coming into my room in the morning to say bye and that she hopes I have a good day. I'm excited to spend tomorrow with her. and then there's Gabe. Lol. I don't need to get sappy over that one. :p He just keeps me smiling and listens to my freak outs.
I think I feel sappy today because it's been 3 months since my car accident and its finally getting easier to talk about when I need to. So much could have gone on with that accident and it didn't. I was bitter for the longest time, lost confidence and stopped trusting people. But I'm starting to wonder why that's what I jumped to. Instead I should have been seeing the good side. Yes, I lost my best friend (Molly car), but my friends are alive, another amazing friend rushed to the scene to take care of us and some strangers were there to help as well. My parents rushed to come to my aid with my dog (that had to be the LONGEST car trip ever) and then when I got home, my boyfriend brought me beer and chocolate and stayed the night just to make sure I was okay. The next day Jackie came over with coffee and food. And every one made sure that I knew that if I needed anything while my mom was at work that all I had to do was ask. There are so many people who love and adore me, and that is more evident now than ever before. Then of course Tom jumped into action and helped find me a new car. With the approval from Justin (mechanic), I found my new girl Miss Allie M. I couldn't be more grateful to Tom for driving around with me like a crazy person from one car to the next until I knew I found "my car".
I know, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. And most of all, I wanted to play the pity game, but honestly, where would that have gotten me? I was injured. I was hurt. And I lost my Molly girl.
My car was more than a car to me. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. She was my best friend. She knew all of my problems, had heard me scream many times and went on all of my adventures. She was my baby girl, my best friend. She was the biggest brat I knew and had the biggest personality I had ever known. I had gotten her when I was about 14 because she was my grandma's car and my grandma had passed away. There were so many connections to my Molly girl that it really hurt to see her go.... especially because I knew it was the last time I would see her and she was being taken away from me. :'(
I wanted to just scream at the lady who caused the accident. I wanted to so bad. She had taken so much from me and I didn't even know it yet.





My psychologist is guessing that I blacked out during the accident since I don't remember anything other than waking up and hearing screams. He says it could have been the odor from the air bags that woke me up.
Either way... I could have been so much worse, as could have my friends. But Molly was a tank and God was for sure watching over us that day.


I guess this is the time where I finally came to accept that. As angry as I still am, there so much to be thankful for.

I understand more...

I feel like since my first meeting with my psychologist since my accident, knowing exactly how I am feeling, plus having to admit it to myself has already helped a little.
Admitting that I've lost trust in people plus confidence in myself has really opened my eyes. I'm starting to realize when I'm being irrational and who really is there to help and just be there for me with no other motive.
Like Gabe, my wonderfully amazing boyfriend. I feel terrible. He's taken the most blows (like in the last post from the third... oops) and still finds it in his heart to forgive me and kiss me goodnight. He changed his mind and said he'll go to my psychologist with me if I ever get a phone call. I honestly can't express how grateful I am to him and for him. I truly do love him with all of my heart and I really hope he knows that.
My dad has also been crazily supportive lately. He likes that I'm working in sales and he's been more supportive about my schooling as well. It's nice to have him backing my up again. I forgot how strong I feel when I know my dad is behind me.
I know Hannah, Manda and Jackie are all here to help me as well. It was nice talking to Hannah the other day about a lot of stuff I can't talk to a majority of people about. I miss my Manda but it makes me so happy and proud when I see everything on Facebook. She's happy and that is AMAZING and all I could ever want for her.
Jackie and I have having a lot of ups and downs lately so that sucks, but it happens.
I do miss having Mat and Zack in my life as my big brothers, but I am happier without them, to be honest. Less pressure to be someone who I am not or to please people who never give but always take.
I wish I was closer with my mom and my sister, but I've thought that most of my life. I'm different than them so its hard to connect or understand each other. I get it and I don't blame them. I just wish it didn't seem like there are regrets.
My doctors have all been patient with me as well, which is good.

As for school.... I'm finding it hard to continue. I am on week seven of my classes and am having a hard time pulling it together. I get stressed out easily and just feel unmotivated. I want my degree but my teachers right now suck and I haven't heard from any of my advisors which doesn't help.
Work is a learning process and has complications but its income which is what I need.

Things WILL get better.

I will get better.

Miniature break down...oops

So, what do I do now? I went to see my psychologist today because I felt like it was finally time to get rid of the negative thoughts and nightmares that have joined me since my accident. At the end of the session, he asked if I could see if my boyfriend would come with me because he seems to be the best positive thing I have going on in my life.
I knew Gabe would say no to being there for when my psychologist talks to me about the decisions I have to make. But like I told him today, in one way or another, everyone leaves me out to hang and more often than not... its when I need them the most.
Hasn't that been true my entire life though? Mom being busy, dad being preoccupied with work and his bitchy girlfriends... my sister with school and friends. It left me to figure all this out on my own. Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Why aren't I used to feeling like I'm left to doing things on my own? Figuring everything out on my own.
I knew my boyfriend would say that he had to think about it, and that I would take it as a now. I based if off of the fact that my dad didn't go when I was young. Sad thing is that I was right. I didn't want to be right, but I knew I was going to be.
It sucks though because it makes me feel like he can't handle it. I mean, I held in all the tears that are being shed right now until after he left because I'm not confident that he can deal with the emotional side of all of this.
And that sucks because emotions are all that I am. I know that's my fault and what not. I mean according to everyone else, its all in my control.
There it is again. Being left to figure all this out on my own. If its so controllable, then please enlighten me on how you would handle emotions a thousand times stronger than average thanks to a disorder.
Let's exchange lives, bodies, minds and souls for a minute, K? Take a walk in my shoes and lets see how well you handle it. I'll place a hundred dollars on saying that you can't! That you aren't strong enough.




Sorry for all of this readers. I have an emotional disorder. I had learned enough about it to live with it and not let it control me, but since my accident it has gotten out of control again, hence why I am going back to my psychologist. It hurts because people tell me that its all in my head when it really isn't. and tonight having flashbacks of when my dad refused to go with me the first time I went to psychology, due to my boyfriend now pretty much saying no really threw me into a tail spin. I'll be better though. :)
Sorry for the mini break down.