Hate, if only people really understood the word. “I hate you” is just as powerful as the sentence “I love you”. If you really don't like a person, you wouldn't have an opinion of them either way. Hating someone is still caring enough about them that their opinions matter enough to alter your life and they are still in your heart.
Your heart, the treasure chest in your body that is locked up tight. Very few people have the key, but when they do, they're in your heart forever. Even when they hurt you and you “hate” them... they will still be in your treasure chest heart. You can move miles away from them but still find yourself missing them on an hourly basis. Even if we care enough about them to hate them, we still miss them.
It is all part of life: loving, hating, caring, missing, forgiving, forgetting... living.
As Natalie Chanin once said “if you want to make a difference on the planet, this is it: have nothing in your home or life that you do not know to be useful, believe to be beautiful or know that you will strive to keep in your life forever”. This isn't simply about objects but about people.
Why have someone in your heart (or as Chanin puts it “home”) if they just take from you and don't help you at all? Why have someone that makes your life ugly? Why have someone in your life that you don't want to keep there forever? I know all this is simply put, and easily said. My automatic thought is “how do I know who is doing all this until its too late?” and its exactly that, you don't know until it's too late. That's how we learn: mistakes.
Our parents try to protect us from the mistakes as a child: “honey, don't touch the stove... its hot and you'll burn yourself”, “don't talk to strangers”, “don't play with fire”. Our parents probably try the best they can, but once we're out on our own... is it really enough? Everyone makes mistakes, they are part of life. It is just up to us to figure out how we learn from them and what we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We are nothing but mere humans, we are not perfect... no matter how hard we try. We are not made to be perfect.
What is perfect exactly? The lack of a flaw? If that is so... then is there such a thing as perfect? I ask this because every person sees things different, so when something is flawless to one person, it could be full of flaws to another.
I know I'm jumping around a lot, going from subject to subject... but its because I'm dealing with all this right now as I write.
I've made a mistake, and I've asked for forgiveness... I'm not sure I have it. I know I should have been up front about my worries, and just talked to the person myself... but they weren't here so I went to a friend. I was stressed and freaking out... I just needed someone to talk to right at that moment. Its my fault and I know this, I'm not trying to push the blame onto others. I just hope there is forgiveness at some point in this life. I'm not even asking for understanding...
At this point, I keep hoping the person walks through every door, or knocks on mine just so I can ask in person for forgiveness. But I don't want to bother him, so I don't text him asking if we can talk. I guess I'm leaving it in God's hand. If I am meant to talk to him, he will show... if not, it is how it is. I don't like leaving it like that, it hurts me... but if I've already tried, then the ball is in his court and I can't do anything else.
Its all part of life: make friends, lose friends, make mistakes, try to mend, get hurt, heal, become weak, gain strength... hate, love... life.
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