I don't even know what is going on

Hey all,
so honestly, I don't even know what is happening anymore. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all of this stuff that is happening but for some reason I can't seem to.
I found out last night that my dad got laid off from his job, this scares me because well its my dad, but also because he was helping me with my rent and my school tuition. Now I don't know what is going to happen.
I need another job.... I really want one online so that I can try to stick with everything I already have going on, but I don't know where to look or where to start.
I feel trapped and like I'm lost.

I feel so alone.

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and that no one can hear me.

My life...

So last night was my first time being back into performing. Oh me oh my, have I missed it!
Last night went AMAZING!
My dances were great, the audience was amazing, all my fellow performers also did great!
I missed the heat of the lights, the sound of people cheering and the anxiety!

Best part of it all....

my boyfriend was there!

I was stoked!
My next performance is in two weeks.
I get this week off of work and I'm am super excited because I need to catch up on some sleep and work on school nonsense.

I've decided to just drop worrying about the roommate thing, it's in God's hands (sorry if that offends anyone) and He will take care of it. :)


I deserve to be happy, and I am in control of that.
I choose to be happy.

Well, this sucks.

I don't even know whats going on but I have having a really hard time today.
I had a good day but then it became night and now I'm nothing but tears. I feel terrible and that I bring everything on myself. My psychologist says I'm very much stuck in the "why me" stage of my thinking due to the traumatizing things that have happened to me for the past few years. I guess tonight it all became just so real.
I really do blame myself for so much. My "why me" isn't towards others, God or any higher being... it's towards myself. I constantly ask why I put myself in these situations, why I let so many negative things happen before I finally stand up for myself.
Tonight is the night before my dance performance, and I don't even get to see my boyfriend because I didn't check to see if the door was unlocked. I didn't check so then I don't get to see my boyfriend on the night that I feel like shit.



I just don't know what to do anymore.

What even?

I honestly can't tell you, readers, what is even going on right now.
My roommate/"best" friend and I are in a tiff because she has been lying to me and is now (all of a sudden) moving out and in with her boyfriend of four months.
I am working as a nanny again, and it makes me miss the kids I took care of in Eugene. I am also working as a dancer (I know, dream come true!) at the Imperial Event Center with the Rogue Cap. Its really fun and I really feel like its already a huge family although none of us really know each other. I need it.


In good news: I am back in touch with a person who has meant the world to me since I adopted her as my "little sister", which was back in 2009. I am so happy to have B back in my life. I missed her so much. It is amazing how people come and go, but things don't change.

As for school: I passed both of my last classes with B's. I am super excited because I thought I was going to fail my psychology course. Which would have MAJORLY sucked since Psychology is my minor.

I am dancing again, and though I still go to SO many crazy appointments for the healing process due to my car crash back in Feb, it is truly nice to be dancing again and smiling as much again.









I did write in the relationship blog that I have as well, you can check it out at: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/