A little more optimistic... who wouldn't be?

Hey everyone,
Sorry that I haven't really posted in a few days, but it's been a little crazy on my end.
This last Saturday (8/25) , I was in my dad's wedding. Most of my family came up here to help celebrate so I was busy running around trying to be there for my dad (mainly because I was best WOman).
That's the thing, I know I don't have a great or even good relationship with my dad, but I'm still trying because I don't want things to end up worse than what they are. I've seen my sister and her dad, and they don't even talk anymore... I don't think I could be strong enough to not talk to my dad as much as him and I don't get along or respect each other. He's still my dad.
With that though, I really felt alone because I didn't have anyone to really talk to about everything that I was feeling about the wedding. Luckily my best upon best friend was able to show up and keep me sane. I love her for it so much that I don't think she will ever fully understand. She made the entire day so much better and more liveable. So, though I don't know if she still reads my writing, I'd like to thank her for always being the best friend I could ever ask for.

Now for what this post is really about: the lovely "love" life.
So, it is NO secret at all that I have liked the same guy since about Junior year in high school (possibly before that, can't really remember). We became really close friends and we both knew how the other felt but everything just seemed to make a relationship impossible. Being told that there was never any chance tore me so apart that I finally wrote him a letter saying how I felt. That blew up in my face and we ended up not talking for about six months. Worse six months of my life since he is seriously one of my best friends.
Well, once him and I started talking again, I made a promise to him that I wouldn't ever talk about him and I as being more than friends. Figured I would rather have him in my life than out of it.
A few weeks ago we were talking and he asked me to hang out with him. Of course, I said yes and I couldn't stop smiling for the rest of that day. With this, my hopes started to build a little bit hoping that maybe I'm finally getting a chance. But after that day, every plan that was made kept falling through and my hopes of anything were crushed. Since I didn't see any point in letting my hopes build up more I started going out on small dates with a different guy. It was great and he treated me amazingly... till I got a text saying that he had re-met up with someone from high school and they decided to pursue a relationship. Well, crap. Then I was by myself again.
A few nights ago, I decided to stop by my friend's (first guy) work to bug him... like I normally do. I ran and got him lunch and we made plans to hang out the next day (which, was yesterday the 28th) after he got off work. I was excited and a little nervous but I was trying to think nothing of it because we are friends.
Now we're to yesterday, he came over after work, like he said he would and we ate some pizza and attempted to watch a movie (the DVD player was being stubborn and wouldn't let the disk play), so instead we talked and cuddled like we often do.
I asked what was on his mind and he mentioned that he had said we were dating and that he didn't think I understood or caught it. I told him that it could mean a lot of things and then explained that it could mean casual dating (where you can still see other people) or it could mean dating as in a relationship. He said to go with the second one.
So yeah, I know the last post was saying how dreams don't come true... but this is the guy that drives the truck I was waiting for... and now... we're dating.

Too bad there's no such thing as...

Why am I expected to be okay with everything that is going on? Is it such a bad thing that I'm not? I have a ton of things going on that I have no other option than to be okay with it but when I'm not okay with just one thing it stresses others out or makes them uncomfortable.
I'm 20 years old and haven't lived under a parent's reign for 2 years. Why should I be okay with being back? I'm dealing with it and that's as good as I can do. I am sorry if that isn't good enough for you but it's rude to ask for more than what I am capable of.
The real reason I even moved back was because I'm scared to death. I know I can't fail very easily here. I have safety nets and padding all around me. I can't fall here. Where as, if I go somewhere I want to and feel like I belong... I'm vulnerable. I could and would fail at least once in everything I tried. I already have but for where I want my life to go next... failing is my biggest fear.
I want to leave Oregon and never turn back. Last time I left with baggage that brought me back, the next time I leave... I want it to be with no regrets. I know I am not at that point yet... which is why I haven't left. As proof of how I know I can't leave without regrets: as I sit out in my driveway writing this... I keep stopping to look down the street in hopes that I see his truck....
Too bad there's no such thing as a "dream come true".

Dual posting... with a little about some collegeness.

Rant 1:
Me: ".... can I just say that I'm scared..."

Friend: "About *guy*?"
Me: "majorly..."
Friend: "Oh my god!!!!!! Have you seen the photo that syas " So you still think homosexuality is sinful?"

Waaaait a minute... why can't it be about me for once? I don't get a chance to express how I feel? I listen to so many of my friend's problems but then when I finally speak up and say that I'm having an issue it gets ignored until they choose it's time to talk about it?! I'm so done with this crap. I don't deserve this. I listen to the same problem over and over for years on end from the same people, but then when I mention that I'm nervous or scared about something then it just gets passed over. Ugh. I'm so tired of these people who are my so called friends treating me like this. At least I know who my real friends are. Thanks for that.


Rant 2:
I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I have waited for a chance with this guy for a few years now and... now I'm scared. 'cause what if I get the chance and things work out? I know I'd be happy... What if he is just giving me the chance because he knows it's what I want? If I found that out, I'd be heart broken. And then what if... what if I don't get a chance at all and all this is, is simply a glimmer?
I can't handle being hurt anymore...
I'm so scared 'cause I've wanted this for so long. I'm scared to believe it and have it taken from me, but I'm scared to ignore it and miss my chance. But then on top of all of that... I'm scared to get hurt like I have been while waiting.
I'm so used to hearing that there isn't a chance, so now what am I supposed to think?



Collegeness:
I finished my first week of the second round. I'm happy to report that I finished the first week with perfect scores on my papers and in participation. YAY! Go me!
Also, I'm able to win 5,500 dollars in scholarship! Ooo, if only I would get so lucky! Send good vibes my way, please and thank you!

A little more optimistic

So, compared to the last time I wrote, things are looking up a little bit.
I'm still having the problems with family, and now we can add guys on top of that (which I'll hit on in a moment) but I am back in school.
I am just completing my first week of round 2 of my classes and though it is stressful since I'm self reliant for online schooling. It feels good to know that my life is still moving forward and I'm not totally stuck in a rut.
Thanks to all who messaged me or commented on my last post, seeing that people actually read what I write and care to talk to me or give me some encouraging words... or even just let me know I'm not alone... it really does help and I adore each of you for everything you've said.

As for the guys:
It seems like every guy I've had feelings for lately, ends up liking one of my friends. It really kind of sucks, but what I try to keep in mind is that if they like my friend, every person deserves to be happy. I don't need a guy to make me happy, I'm in control of my own happiness.

Also, I start dance next month. Super excited. I'll be taking Jazz Hiphop, Tap and maybe Ballet. There is no expressing how excited I am about this.

Thank you for listening, understanding and talking to me everyone. It really helps motivate me.