Written Junior Year

Stomach turning, throat closing, head pounding and tears flowing. 
Crap, it's coming back.
This sickness,
the depression...
This stupid disorder.
Affecting me, making me sick.
Can't stop it, can't change it.
It just happens.
Feels horrible but it's reality.
Something I have to deal with when it comes back around.
Don't let anyone help.
Close up in myself.
Don't touch me, don't ask, don't care.
Makes me feel worse, but only way I can think to not let it effect others.
Act happy, though my eyes say differently.
Ha!
Rarely anyone cares enough to read my full expression.
They see smile so 'yay she's happy.'
They don't look to see if my eyes reflect happiness or not.
To see if they are holding back tears or fighting hurt.
Rarely, rarely...
does anyone care enough to notice... 
or have enough time to care or stop being distracted to notice that I'm hurting.
Get distant, rarely talk, no eye contact made.
Avoid it all, society.
Rarely eat, say I'm full.
Wont eat if I'm not forced.
No one will know but me.

Always letting go, but never giving up.

Please save me from this cold, strange darkness and keep me from myself. I can't handle being alone in this darkness of unknown. With the bumps in the night: I scream with no hope of being heard. Echos of pain and hurt still ringing in my ears. Letting go while pulling at my heart strings. You're planning on never letting up. Just pulling till you finally crash me down.

 Down into your darkness and out of your heart. Always letting go but never giving up. You say to me you care but you're breaking my heart. I was wanting to help you break your habits, walk out from the shadows of your lies. I can't look you in the eyes. My heart is waiting for you to pick it off the line. I'm set up for heartbreak, for betrayal. There's bound to be some tears falling from my eyes.

As I sit here and write this note you're never going to get, I wish I had the guts to say this to your face. But your hazel eyes pierce me through and through. I'm wanting to be done, but I care with all my heart. I can't just wish it away to my darkness. The light would shine on it once more. You've torn me apart, ripped my heart to shreds. I care too much to say to you how much you've hurt me.

Those days that I see you and we're together, I wish I could put the world on hold. Hours still pass me by. I don't want to slip back into that darkness. So I'm done with you, done with the pain you've put me through. I've moved on and detached myself from you, a person that never got attached in the first place. I showed you the weak side of me... let down my guard but I'm done.

I was going to try and be friends but you're dumb and wrecked that too.

 I now realize... I have a right to be happy and not have your life with drugs and alcohol. I wish you the best. Just leave me out of your darkness, let me have my light. I stepped out of your shadow, and left you on your own. I shouldn't try to be your strength, none the less your support. I have the strength to fight back, so I'll fight with all I've got. I'll thank you for my strength, and hate you for the scars. You affected me more that I let off. Even now I don't hate you, though I wish I could. You did what I asked... you saved me from my darkness. Showed me my light. Now I'm never looking back... you were my darkness all along. Draining me of life... you can't take my light.

 I wont let you take my light.

Those People...

Those people that you see in the mall...
do you judge them...
even if you don't know them..
or when they look at you...
do you smile..
or do you glare?

Those people that you see walking by your house..
do you automatically think they have issues...
even if they might have just gone to get the mail...
or do you think they must be the new neighbors..
i should go say hi.....
or do you think they probably aren't that interesting?

Those people that you see hanging with their friends..
do you think that they aren't cool enough for you to talk to..
even though they might have been the nicest people you will never meet..
or do you go up to them..
and join the fun...
or do you roll your eyes and just keep walking?

Those people you see just all around...
do you think about them...
or even care about them at all...


Those people...
might end up...
helping you later on in life..
just think about that..
next time...
you think about...
judging those people...