"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and
day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which
any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." ~E.E. Cummings
So I'll admit, lately I haven't been myself.
I've been hiding behind my work, my schooling and my dancing. I've been trying to stay out of the drama and out of the spotlight. But it found me today.
I feel like all this happened because I wasn't being true to who I am. I'm not the girl who puts my friends off and doesn't try to see them as much as I can. I'm not the girl who takes everything so seriously that nothing is enjoyable. I like laughing, I like smiling.
I am sorry to everyone that I have put off or anything, but I promise... I'm back to being me. I know it's hard to stick to my true self, but I've done it for years. I can't fall back into my old habits, and I can't fall into new ones.
I refuse to hurt more people that I care about, instead, I'm going to focus on mending what I have broken.
Thank you for sticking with me you guys. I adore you all.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Thursday, September 20, 2012
You can't say I'm not bullheaded.
So, as my evening draws to an end, and as cruddy as this evening/night has been... I have to say... I just had a very uplifting feeling.
I can achieve whatever goal I actually want, if I put my mind to it.
Most of these thoughts are coming from the fact that I had teachers tell me at UNLV that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my dancing because I wasn't good enough, now I'm a dance teacher. Then when I got injured at UNLV my doctor said that if I didn't wear my cast through at least February of 2011 and go to Physical Therapy at least three times a week, that the chances of me ever dancing (let alone tapping) were practically down the drain. Yet, I took my boot off December of 2010 and am actually keeping up in my intermediate/advanced tap class and am dancing three nights almost every week. And then starting in October, I'll be dancing Monday through Friday. Though this thought scares me due to the words of my teachers and doctor, I think I've proven to myself that I can do this and that they were wrong.
I can do this. I'm a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. For the longest time I wondered if I had purposefully willed myself to get injured at UNLV so I could come home. I'm sure that thought will haunt me the rest of my life, but for tonight, I know I didn't do it. I just wasn't meant to be there at that point in my life. I was meant to come back to Oregon and do everything that I have done. I have found a second path for my life that will probably be more secure than my dancing (child psychology) and I have built up my resume. I have failed, fallen and have had to rise again because there wasn't any other option. I'm ready to go back now and fight. Maybe not at UNLV, but I'm ready to continue my major in dance after I get my minor taken care of. I will go back to Vegas, and I will get my major. But this time, I'll wait till I know it's time.
Keep your head up, loves. You can do it.
I can achieve whatever goal I actually want, if I put my mind to it.
Most of these thoughts are coming from the fact that I had teachers tell me at UNLV that I wouldn't ever go anywhere with my dancing because I wasn't good enough, now I'm a dance teacher. Then when I got injured at UNLV my doctor said that if I didn't wear my cast through at least February of 2011 and go to Physical Therapy at least three times a week, that the chances of me ever dancing (let alone tapping) were practically down the drain. Yet, I took my boot off December of 2010 and am actually keeping up in my intermediate/advanced tap class and am dancing three nights almost every week. And then starting in October, I'll be dancing Monday through Friday. Though this thought scares me due to the words of my teachers and doctor, I think I've proven to myself that I can do this and that they were wrong.
I can do this. I'm a lot of things, but a quitter isn't one of them. For the longest time I wondered if I had purposefully willed myself to get injured at UNLV so I could come home. I'm sure that thought will haunt me the rest of my life, but for tonight, I know I didn't do it. I just wasn't meant to be there at that point in my life. I was meant to come back to Oregon and do everything that I have done. I have found a second path for my life that will probably be more secure than my dancing (child psychology) and I have built up my resume. I have failed, fallen and have had to rise again because there wasn't any other option. I'm ready to go back now and fight. Maybe not at UNLV, but I'm ready to continue my major in dance after I get my minor taken care of. I will go back to Vegas, and I will get my major. But this time, I'll wait till I know it's time.
Keep your head up, loves. You can do it.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
On the verdge of tears
I hate feeling like this just a few days after my last blog and I was so chipper and happy. Now it feels like that happiness is shot to hell.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:
Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.
My life seems to be so full of negativity and it's starting to become really overwhelming. I respect that people have their opinions but that doesn't mean that I want to hear them. It doesn't help that beliefs are being trashed with the political stuff going on. It's all just so hateful and spiteful.
So, I should probably explain a little bit more:Things between my boyfriend and I have been a little rocky, and until last night I didn't understand so I felt really hurt when he didn't go with me to get my tattoo. I'm scared to death of needles, and it was an important thing for me but he wasn't there and that really sucked. I heard all day from my mom that for her that would be the breaking point. I kept hearing "if he wasn't there for you this early on in the relationship that fully reflects on how the rest of the relationship will be". Which I have never once believed because I know my boyfriend.. and I knew he had something to say and was just waiting for the right time (which happened to be last night).
With this though, I knew I needed someone to be there when I got my tattoo to hold my hand and make sure I don't pierce my own lip from biting it too hard. So I asked my friend to be there with me. Now this friend and I had a short thing until he got a girlfriend (which they are no longer together), and then I got my boyfriend. I still hang out with this friend, of course, and my boyfriend really doesn't care... well, I know he does but he knows that my friends are my friends and I'm hoping that he trusts me. So this friend still cares about me, but has told me many times that he can never see himself dating me. Which of course if fine, I'm with the guy that has held my adoration for years now, this is a chance I thought I would never get so why would I care about this friend? Answer is, I don't really but because my relationship makes me nervous, my mind is saying that I do care about this friend and that I'm forming feelings for him. Bleh. So not true.
Anyway, this friend, every time I hang out with him he has something negative to say about my boyfriend. This irritates me beyond belief. It's like how in the world does he have any right to make comments, let alone negative comments, about MY relationship?! My boyfriend adores me and has never treated me bad within the entire time I have known him. Yes, I know things have been rocky but that is because I didn't understand. Now that I do, I'm okay with how things are between my boyfriend and I. I swear, my friend just wants to screw this up for me and it hurts.
As you can see from the picture, my boyfriend and I are super cute and playful with each other. Does no one understand how much I adore this? He can get me to smile, and yeah, so what if he doesn't always take the time to be with me, what really matters is the time I do get with him. I am in this relationship. That's it. There is no way I'm going to not be in this with him until he ends it.
I'm so tired of the negativity. I honestly can't do it anymore. Here soon, my life will seriously be about my girls, dancing and my boyfriend. End of story. 'cause I really can't go through this anymore.
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