Friday, December 31, 2010

December 31st, 2010: Happy New Years Eve day

Wow, that's a tricky title.
Kinda don't really have anything to say,
just wanted to assure my readers I'm still here and haven't given up on my blogging carrer.
I now live in Eugene.
Trying to attend the college here,
but UNLV kinda screwed me over so I can't start right off the bat.
I finally got my room feeling like my room today,
and I've been here for about five-ish days now.
Crazy.
But I like it here...
as long as everything works out.


But see:
I'm still alive.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

December 25th, 2010: "And they say, the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day".

Have you ever just listened to you heart?
Found out what makes it beat faster, or slower?
Test it: its interesting.
I know thinking about certain things/people makes my heart race,
and thinking about other things makes my heart almost stop...
its an interesting muscle/organ.
Test it....

December 25th, 2010: Tis Christmas.

Outline of Christmas:

Gifts:
  • Bear holding bag of Snickers (Mat)
  • Camera (Tom)
  • Princess perfume (Mom)
  • Tinkerbell Ornament (Mom)
  • Car accessories (Dad)
  • "Dream" bowl (Ariel)
  • Chocolates (Carrie and Jackie)
For dinner there was turkey, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing  and a bunch of other food. 'Twas what we are calling a "goddess Christmas" because it was just my mom, Jackie, Carrie and I for dinner. It was fun.
Now I am on the couch watching "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" and thinking about how much I have to do before I move on Tuesday.

Phew, better take a deep breath now while I have the chance.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

December 22nd, 2010: Smile

Smile,
'cause it literally makes everything better.
Smiles make your "enimies" worry,
makes your friends feel good,
and brightens your heart.
Remember those moments that make you smile to where you can't stop,
remember those times where your smile made the whole world brighter.
Smiles are contagious...
smiles are beautiful.

I can't stop smiling,
though I am a little sad.
Its a bittersweet feeling right now,
everything is going beyond amazing,
and I'm so far beyond happy...
but now it'll be awhile till its here again.
Not a long while,
but still a while.

I need to figure out when I'm going to be moving,
make things less stressful...
I'm off to talk to my mom.
Lets figure some of this out.


"You’re better then the best
I’m lucky just to linger in your light
Cooler then the flip side of my pillow, that’s right
Completely unaware
Nothing can compare to where you send me,
Lets me know that it’s ok, yeah it’s ok
And the moments where my good times start to fade
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
Even when you’re gone
Somehow you come along

Just like a flower poking the sidewalk crack and just like that
You steal away the rain and just like that
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
Don’t know how I lived without you
Cuz everytime that I get around you
I see the best of me inside your eyes
You make me smile
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile
"
- Smile by Uncle Kracker

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

December 21st, 2010: So hard

Its so hard to not scream this secret to the world.
It had been three days now and I wanna just yell it from the tallest building.
I'll spill soon enough, but until then, its bottled up.
AH!!!

Okay, on a different note:
Its only four days till Christmas, and wanna know something cool?
There's more gifts under my tree for friends than they're are me.
I am in such a good mood.
Maybe Oregon does fit me, which I'm fine with.

I'm still trying to figure out everything out with living and schooling:
I wanna live with Mat in Eugene and just transfer my Florence stuff over to Eugene,
but guess what;
its not that easy:
EVER!
I tried to go onto the website to get my official transcript from UNLV and guess what:
I'm blocked from it because "I owe them money".
So guess what else:
I can't start school this coming term.
UGH!

Luckily I have my secret, and my secret is great...
can't wait till I can tell.
Its getting so hard to not tell everyone.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

December 18, 2010: Just an update

Just as an update for those who think I've jumped off a bridge or got beaten up by a Oregon moose: I am fine. Still living, I promise.
I haven't been writing much because I've been trying to see my friends.
Last night Auni, Hannah, Mat and I went to the ballroom.
It was great!
Mat and I are seriously inseperable lately:
last weekend he got into town on Sunday and spent the night at my house,
then Monday I spent the night at his. We were apart for Wednesday while I was out of town and he went back to Eugene.
Then he came back into town yesterday and we went to the ballroom: surprise surprise: he spent the night here. Now as I am typing this, I am waiting for him to come pick me up so I can spend the night over at his house and we'll be together all day tomorrow too since we are going to the bowling tournament in Grants Pass.
I'm still trying to make plans to see Devin and what not, he just got over being sick so we'll see each other soon; hopefully.
Well that is seriously all I had readers, just wanted to assure you that I'm not lost in the forest or anything.


Oh and for a more serious tone:
I got Lane Community college all worked out for Florence, but I haven't been accepted for housing. I may look into seeing how easy/hard it would be to transfer everything over to the LCC in Eugene since that way I know I could live with Mat.
I need to make a choice soon since the LCC in Florence starts school January 3rd. But how can I go to school when I have no place to live?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

December 14th, 2010: Coming up on the end of a busy busy week...

Friday:
  • Got dad from airport
  • packed my car
  • checked out of my dorm
  • said bye to Chris and Cortney
  • started the road trip home (didn't sleep much in the car either)

Saturday:
  • Got home around 6a.m
  • Hung out with mom
  • Unpacked car
  • hung out with Gabe and Ariel
  • Was Senior Sam's (near Crater) last customer
  • Saw the Crater play: The Mirror

Sunday:
  • Mall with Ariel
  • Hung out with Mat, Zack, Ariel, Mark
  • Went to Ashland with those said above.
  • Drove around with Mat and Zack
  • Mat and Zack stayed the night and we watched Harry and the Hendersons.

Monday:
  • Drove to Eugene
  • Met with housing of St. Vincent de Paul for Florence.
  • Drove back home
  • Went over to Mat's
  • Played Scrabble
  • Stayed the night at Mat's
Tuesday:
  • Went to school with Mat.
  • Saw all the teachers I wanted to see
  • Went to Sonic for lunch.
  • Got my car registration renewed
  • Went bowling

Rest of the week:
Tomorrow (aka Wednesday) I drive to Florence and meet with my LCC councilor. Then drive back home.
Thursday I have no plans and Friday I get to go to the ballroom.

Friday, December 10, 2010

December 10th, 2010: Last night

This is my last night in Vegas, and I'm fighting tears on and off.
I can't wait to go home and see my mom, and move to my own place...
but I'm going to miss my roommie and other friends like no other!

I know I'll be back in March and see everyone but still its like...
I just don't want to leave and have everything change.

My friend's post on my Facebook wall helped me alot:
"love i know this is a hard time for you. you can do it. i promise your crazy strong dear. head held high, you arent defeated your just meant for something bigger and better than the people who pushed you down.
and to you being sad about le...aving friends: its never goodbye, its just farewell and see ya later unless YOU make it goodbye. and if they make it goodbye they arent worthy of your glorious friendship.
be strong, bee, you can do it.
im here when you get here, text me through out the trip. i want funny pictures, quotes and sos through the entire 16 hours.
cant wait to see you, darling. trust me its for the best."(-Keith Coiens)


Also I find I'm back to the Dear John quote:
"It actually doesn't matter where you are in the world, the moon is never bigger than your thumb.


I'm scared to death to start this new life, and yet again, I'm scared that I'm starting it alone...
hopefully...
I'll find a new roommate rather quick.
and that my friends who might stop in and see me stay true to their words:
*cough* Hannah, Chris, Andy, Manda *cough*
lol.


Wish me luck readers.
I'll post when I'm back home and have the lovely privileges of my mom's wireless internet 
which reminds me:
TO DO LIST!
1: GET INTERNET IN MY APARTMENT A.S.A.P!

Monday, December 6, 2010

December 6th, 2010: Your heart, the treasure chest in your body that is locked up tight.

      People make mistakes, but they are supposed to be forgiven. Its said to forgive, but never forget... I know I make mistakes, and I know its up to the person to forgive me. I have no control over that. All I can do is hope and pray that they'll find it in their heart to give me another chance. I know from experience that its easier said than done but I still try. I try to not have a grudge on my shoulders and hate in my heart.
     Hate, if only people really understood the word. “I hate you” is just as powerful as the sentence “I love you”. If you really don't like a person, you wouldn't have an opinion of them either way. Hating someone is still caring enough about them that their opinions matter enough to alter your life and they are still in your heart.
     Your heart, the treasure chest in your body that is locked up tight. Very few people have the key, but when they do, they're in your heart forever. Even when they hurt you and you “hate” them... they will still be in your treasure chest heart. You can move miles away from them but still find yourself missing them on an hourly basis. Even if we care enough about them to hate them, we still miss them.
     It is all part of life: loving, hating, caring, missing, forgiving, forgetting... living.
     As Natalie Chanin once said “if you want to make a difference on the planet, this is it: have nothing in your home or life that you do not know to be useful, believe to be beautiful or know that you will strive to keep in your life forever”. This isn't simply about objects but about people.
     Why have someone in your heart (or as Chanin puts it “home”) if they just take from you and don't help you at all? Why have someone that makes your life ugly? Why have someone in your life that you don't want to keep there forever? I know all this is simply put, and easily said. My automatic thought is “how do I know who is doing all this until its too late?” and its exactly that, you don't know until it's too late. That's how we learn: mistakes.
     Our parents try to protect us from the mistakes as a child: “honey, don't touch the stove... its hot and you'll burn yourself”, “don't talk to strangers”, “don't play with fire”. Our parents probably try the best they can, but once we're out on our own... is it really enough? Everyone makes mistakes, they are part of life. It is just up to us to figure out how we learn from them and what we will carry with us for the rest of our lives. We are nothing but mere humans, we are not perfect... no matter how hard we try. We are not made to be perfect.
     What is perfect exactly? The lack of a flaw? If that is so... then is there such a thing as perfect? I ask this because every person sees things different, so when something is flawless to one person, it could be full of flaws to another.
     I know I'm jumping around a lot, going from subject to subject... but its because I'm dealing with all this right now as I write.
     I've made a mistake, and I've asked for forgiveness... I'm not sure I have it. I know I should have been up front about my worries, and just talked to the person myself... but they weren't here so I went to a friend. I was stressed and freaking out... I just needed someone to talk to right at that moment. Its my fault and I know this, I'm not trying to push the blame onto others. I just hope there is forgiveness at some point in this life. I'm not even asking for understanding...
     At this point, I keep hoping the person walks through every door, or knocks on mine just so I can ask in person for forgiveness. But I don't want to bother him, so I don't text him asking if we can talk. I guess I'm leaving it in God's hand. If I am meant to talk to him, he will show... if not, it is how it is. I don't like leaving it like that, it hurts me... but if I've already tried, then the ball is in his court and I can't do anything else.
     Its all part of life: make friends, lose friends, make mistakes, try to mend, get hurt, heal, become weak, gain strength... hate, love... life.

December 6th, 2010: Breathe easy little one.

Breathe easy little one,
the sun will shine again.
The light will shine through all this darkness...
and things will get better.
What goes up,
must come down.
But no matter how far you fall,
just know,
there's someone there to help you back to your feet.
People will come,
people will go...
but its those people that stay,
or come back
that you know are truly there for you.
Breathe easy little one,
tomorrow is a new day.
A new start...
forgive today...
do better tomorrow.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

December 4th, 2010: As the past repeats

So I've been talking to a guy from my past.
He's my ex, and it wasn't until I started talking to him again that I realized how much I miss him.
If you've read my other blogs you might have heard of the infamous Devin.
The guy that there was a possibility I was in love with.
Well, he's back... again.
I'm kinda excited to go back home and see him,
maybe this time...
maybe ...
maybe him and I will finally work out?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

December 2nd, 2010: Learnings, fears, and all the other stuff.

My life as a college kid in Las Vegas....

oh goodness, leave it to this small town girl to end up in Sin City right?
Its a few days till I'm going home, eight days till I'm on my way back to Oregon.
Part of me knows I'll miss Vegas, and the other part can't wait to say “see ya later”.
I'll probably come back and visit, but I dunno. I guess I wasn't meant to live here.
This city has made its impact on me and that can't ever be changed.
I've been beaten down by the people, and I've had to figure out how to build myself back up with no help at all.
I've had to learn that you can never get over your first love, and “what if” questions are pointless.
I've had scares and I've had injuries.
I've had my fair share of sins and mistakes...
and am I proud?
Heck no,
but I can't change that.
I've had to learn to cope and not just run when I feel I can't do what I'm wanting to do.
There is always a way, sometimes you have to work harder than what you wanted and sometimes you have to just be patient when you don't want to be, but that's when you have to think: how badly do you want this?
Is it worth the time and effort? Is it worth the pain that will probably come with the strain?
If the answer is yes, then you have to try with every single fiber of your being.
I guess my adventure was worth all I've been through, as long as my worst fear doesn't come true. If that comes true, then all of this was worthless. So I'm praying to God that it doesn't come true, if it doesn't then yes, all of this was worth it.
Worst fears, best memories, broken hearts, tears shed and belly laughs. Ups and downs to rock bottom and floating on a cloud. Roller coaster of life.
I learned more here than I would have ever learned back home. Does that mean all good things? Haha, I wish. I've had to do things that I can honestly say I'm far from proud of. But I still regret nothing so far. Sadly, all this depends on one fear. This fear comes true and it all goes down the lovely drain. Not only would I be disappointed in myself, but I think everyone I know would be too. I wouldn't know what to do. I'd flip out. So hopefully it wont happen. But sometimes, you have to face the consequences to your actions.

Monday, November 29, 2010

November 29th, 2010: Hey readers,

Hey readers,
sorry I haven't been posting. Its been a crazy time.
Thanksgiving I stayed on campus and I decorated my dorm for Hannah to arrive.
Then Hannah was here and we did tourist-y things.
Now Hannah is gone and it is only 11 days till my dad is here to move me back home.
I'll be honest,
I'm BEYOND terrifyed to move..
I'm not really liking that it is my dad coming to get me either.
I'm sad I have to leave Vegas because I'm going to miss all my friends,
but I wont miss UNLV itself.
I got a place in Florence,
and I'm greatly excited to see where this path will take me,
ya know?
Either way,
I get have to start packing, sign papers and what not to get checked out of Dayton North dorms.
I'm going to miss Cortney soooooo freaking much.
Ugh, to every down there is an up right?

Monday, November 22, 2010

Just so you, readers, can learn a little bit more about me.

 WHAT WAS YOUR:


 1. Last beverage: Pepsi

2. Last phone call: Ummm, I'm calling my mom right now.

3. Last text message: Hannah
4. Last song you listened to: I am currently listening to "I'm Gonna Miss Her" by Brad Paisley <3

5. Last time you cried: For sad reasons ummm... I think it was Friday night or so.
6. Got back with someone you've broken up with: I have.


7. Been cheated on: Yes, that's happened.


8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Not really.


9. Lost someone special: A few people, sadly.

10. Been depressed: I've been really sad. 


11. Been drunk and threw up: No, since I've never been drunk.



 LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:


 12. Teal

13. Green 


14. Blue





THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:     


 15. Made a new friend: Yes!


16. Fallen out of love:  No.


17. Laughed until you cried: Too many times to count.


18. Met someone who changed you: Um, yes.


19. Found out who your true friends were: Oh yes.


20. Found out someone was talking about you: Haha, yeah.


21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: Yes.


22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life? All of them.


23. How many kids do you want? 2 or 3


24. Do you have any pets? Yes, I do have one dog. 


25. Do you want to change your name: No, I love my name.

26. What did you do for your last birthday? Rockband and video games in Chris' room
27. What time did you wake up today?: 6:45
8. What were you doing at midnight last night?  Writing my english essay. 

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for:  Hannah to be here!
30. Last time you saw your Mother: August 25th or so.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?  Um, my ankle to be healed and for certain relationships with people to be better than what they are.
32. What are you listening to right now: Strange by Reba McEntire
34. Who is getting on your nerves now?  No one actually
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook  and Blogger
36.Whats your real name: Carly 

37. Nicknames: Car, Snickers, Sis.


39. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

40. Male or female?  Female  


41. Primary School?  Sonshine,YMCA, Jewett, Mae Richardson, Bear Creek, Bonnyview.


42. Secondary School? Like middle school? Scenic
43. High school/college? Crater high, and UNLV 
4. Hair color:  Light brown, some of it is bleached blond right now with some pink
45. Long or short: Medium


46. Height: 5'8ish
47. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes!
48: What do you like about yourself? My confidence level.

49. Piercings: Just two on each ear
51. Righty or lefty:  Righty





FIRST:


 52. First surgery: Um, technically I haven't had one but some doctors count the skin patch that I got surgically removed.
53. First piercing: My ears when I was 8
54. First best friend: Matt Robinson
55. First sport you joined: Dance

56. First vacation: Probably either to Cali or Portland 


57. First pair of trainers: like tennis shoes? I'm not sure. I remember I had Polly Pocket ones and those were so cool! The Polly Pocket was on a swing and it moved.





RIGHT NOW:


58. Eating: Bread sticks from Pizza Hut.


59. Drinking: Ice

60. I'm about to: E-mail my aunt 
61. Listening to: Brick by Boring Brick by Paramore
62. Waiting for: energy.


63. I'm feeling: happy, anxious.





YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids? Yeah, I guess.
65. Get married?: Yes.
66. Career: Dance teacher 

67. Lips or eyes: What does this have to do with my future?! I like eyes more.


68. Hugs or kisses: Depends on the person


69. Shorter or taller: taller


70. Older or Younger: Older


71. Romantic or spontaneous: Depends on the day and moment.


72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Eh, both would be nice.

73. Sensitive or loud: depends on the situation 


74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship.





HAVE YOU:


75. Kissed a stranger: No
76. Drank hard Liquor: Not really.


77. Lost glasses/contacts: Yes


78. Sex on first date: NO!


79. Broken someone's heart: Apparently. Meaning according to him, yes.


80. Been arrested: Nope.


81. Turned someone down: Yeah

82. Cried when someone died: Yep 


83. Fallen for a friend: Once or twice.





DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: For sure.
85. Love at first sight: Yes, to an extent.
86. Heaven: Yes
87. Santa Clause: Eh, St. Nick was real... but do I think he is still alive: no 

88. Kiss on the first date: Maybe, but probably not.
89. Angels: Yes


90. God: Yes, very much so.





ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:


91. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Never
92. Did you sing today?  Of course.


93. Did something illegal?  Ever? Yeah. Today: No.
94. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? I would love to say just to last February, but I'm good in the present.


95. The moment you would choose to relive? The first time I fell in love and got love in return.
96. Are you afraid of falling in love? Yes, deathly. 


97. When was the last time you lied? Umm, last night to a guy who was texting me.
98. Are you usually late, early or right on time? Early, my friends even make fun of me for it.


99. Would you give your life to save someone else's?  In an instant.


100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths? No.

November 22nd, 2010: It is going down...

So, I'm sitting in my room wishing I had ear plugs.
Dayton decided that they are going to test the fire alarms today.
The blaring alarm goes off 3 times and then stops.
If it does it one more time, there's going to be a throw down I swear.
Luckily though, I am not trying to study because I only have two finals and we are taking time out of class to study.
Also Chris is on his way back from class and I'm going to save myself from loss of hearing by taking him to go get his hair cut. I will read my health book there and try to get my homework that is due while Hannah is here done.
Hannah is here in 4 days and I'm greatly excited to see her!

Friday, November 19, 2010

November 19th, 2010: The day of all days

So today, I wasn't wanting to move. My alarm went off at 11:30 and I was like "yeah, no... today is going to suck". So naturally I started my health homework. Ugh.
Then Chris text me asking me to go to lunch, I was hungry so why not. So I started doing my make up and getting ready. By chance I heard my phone ring, I answered it and all I heard was:
"Hello, can I please speak to Carly Davy."
I said that's who was speaking,
"Hello Carly, this is Kathy with St. Vincent DePaul housing in Florence, Oregon. We just got a 2 bedroom apartment and you were next on the list, are you still interested?"
"........um.... let me call my mom, and call you back."
"Okay, Carly, talk to you soon."

So here I am in Vegas, being moved back to Oregon in December and I wasn't wanting to live back in my hometown... so the place I was FIRST planning on going to college gets a place I can live?
I believe in signs and I couldn't ignore this one.

Long story short,
as of December 13th I will be renting an apartment in Florence, Oregon.
I'm beyond excited.

Well readers,
I thought I would share the wonderful news.
Hope you all had wonderful days as well,
and if not just know things happen for a reason and things have a funny way of working out,
things will get better.
:)
Stay positive.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

November 16th, 2010: I feel a little better

I feel a little better today,
my voice is still deciding it wants a vacation,
and I can't blame it much.
But the headache is better.
I still didn't attend class today,
just for an extra day of rest,
but I'm going to class tomorrow.
I don't care if my voice is shot,
I just wont talk.

As of everything else:
I'm excited for Hannag to get here.
She's here in 10 days.
I can't even explain how excited I am.
I also can't wait till I can dance again...
I'm going crazy.
The doctor said I should be able to ballroom by next month,
and should be able to get back into all of my dancing by February.
Whoo.
I have a bit going on but no words to explain it all...
Thanks for all the support everyone.
:)
I'll write soon, I promise.

Monday, November 15, 2010

November 15th, 2010: Down for the count.

Ugh, so I think with all the stress and hanging around eveyone who has been getting sick..
finally got to me.
I'm grossly sick:
head ace (which gets worse if I move at all),
stuffy/runny nose (it chooses when it wants to be what),
sore throat,
losing voice,
beyond tired,
coughing and last but not least
sneezing.
This sucks.
I missed class today because I couldn't bring myself to get up 'cause of the head ache.
Like seriously,
if I go from laying to sitting, I get a worse headache...
if I go from sitting to standing, I get a worse headache...
I don't want to find out what happens if I go from laying to standing.
Hopefully, this Nyquil will knock me out and I can sleep without troubles.
Which hopefully will get me to feel better so I can go to class tomorrow.
Ugh.
That's a lot of hoping.

On a brighter note:
I was able to do my tests online tonight.
I'm thinking if I can't go to class tomorrow, I'm going to work on my online classes just so I'll feel productive and still be doing school stuff that will get me going in school.
Okay... taking Nyquil....
Night readers,
send healing thoughts my way if you please.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

November 11th, 2010: Yesterday

^ Me and my roommate (Cortney) after 15 pixie stix

Yesterday was my birthday,
I got 14 text,
3 phone calls,
44 wall posts on my facebook
and a few cards
from people telling me they love me.
My party was pretty cool.
Shanna,
Scott,
Chris,
Foote,
Casey,
Reed,
Zac,
Cortney,
Forrest,
Nichole
were all gathered in Chris' room and playing video games and just kinda chilling.
I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.
=D
^ Me on my birthday

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

November 10th, 2010: My friend made me this for my birthday

‎19 questions carly's friends should be able to answer
1) what name did she name everything
2) who are her 2 best friends
3) when did she meet & remeet them
4) favorite holiday
...5) thing she is most self conscious about?
6) 1 type of food she'd eat for the rest of her life
7) 4 biggest heros?
8) 2 favorite childhood songs?
9) favorite quote?
10) favorite color?
11) what car would she have? (year, color, make)
12) favorite #?
13) favorite song?
14) if it weren't for dangers of tattoos how many would she get?
15) how long has she been dancing?
16) what are her biggest fears?
17) if she could talk to any person (that she knows personally) that have passed, who would it be?
18) What year in high school was the best for her?
19) if she could get over any fear, what fear would it be
Extra credit:
20) What special trick does she want her dream wedding dress to do?


Key:
‎19 questions carly's friends should be able to answer
1) what name did she name everything?

-Molly

2) who are her 2 best friends

-Hannah and Mat
3) when did she meet & remeet them
-Hannah: 2nd grade and re-met 4th grade
-Mat: Pre-k and re-met sophomore year
4) favorite holiday
-St. Valentine's Day

5) thing she is most self conscious about?
-My singing


6) 1 type of food she'd eat for the rest of her life
-Italian food


7) 4 biggest heros?
- Ginger Rogers

- Debbie Allen
- Fred Astaire
- Gene Kelly

8) 2 favorite childhood songs?
-Back in the saddle again

-Faith by George Michaels

9) favorite quote?
- "Dance is your pulse, your heartbeat, your breathing. It's the rhythm of your life. It's the expression in time and movement, in happiness, joy, sadness and envy." ~Jaques D'ambroise

10) favorite color?
-Teal

11) what car would she have? (year, color, make)
- '56 White Cadillac

12) favorite #?
-5

13) favorite song?
-"Young" by Kenny Chesney

14) if it weren't for dangers of tattoos how many would she get?
-5

15) how long has she been dancing?
-15 years

16) what are her biggest fears?
-Clowns
-Needles

17) if she could talk to any person (that she knows personally) that have passed, who would it be?
-My grandpa Olson

18) What year in high school was the best for her?
-Freshmen

19) if she could get over any fear, what fear would it be
-Horses

Extra credit:
20) What special trick does she want her dream wedding dress to do?
-Tear away long skirt.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

November 9th, 2010: Can't sleep.

So my emotions have been so up and down lately, that my mind is busy with thoughts tonight; therefore I cannot sleep.
With this simple fact, I decided to do some good old fashion detoxing.
I'm taking my Facebook wall as back as it'll let me go, and I'm going to delete every single bad/negative thing off of it.
Maybe this will help, maybe not... who knows.
On with the quest!
Sleep well, blog readers, sweet dreams.
(or if its day time, have a great day)



Oh and by the way! Happy birthday, Nate W!

Monday, November 8, 2010

November 8th, 2010: Here's something for everyone (including me) to think about.

     So here's something for everyone (including me) to think about.Why is it that when people start venting to us, we automatically try to help? We say we know the feeling, or that we emphasize, or even that the person has it easy so then we start talking about our own problems. You know usually if people are just venting and not asking for help, they just want to vent to someone they thought would listen. Usually if they wanted help, they would ask.
     Yet, all of us are more than willing to voice our opinions, thoughts and personal experiences. I know I for one stop trying to talk about what's going on with me because when people try to "help" it just makes me more upset, so I let them talk about their problems and their life, then I just feel worse. Maybe that's why I bottle stuff up so much.
     I know I have my few friends that I talk to about everything, but sometimes even they want to voice their opinion when all I really want is comfort in knowing that someone knows what's going on and knowing that they are there for me. Usually unless I say I want their help/thoughts/opinions, I don't really want them. Usually I just need to vent to someone.
     This got brought up because all this happened to me last night. I could sleep so I text someone (my friends call this person my "last resort"... haha... hopefully this person doesn't read this). But I just wanted someone to vent to because I couldn't sleep, and I thought this person would let me. But no, it was all "I know that feeling", "that's how my life was/is", "this is what's happening in my life, so yours could be worse"... and yadda yadda yadda.
     Now everyone knows, I'd be more than willing to listen to all that, but I try to do exactly that: LISTEN. I try to not voice my opinion unless asked. I rarely say "I know the feeling", because in all honesty usually there is no possible way to know how that person is feeling since every one has different view points and emotions. Anyway, I'm always more than willing to listen to that person and put my problems/life off to the side for that little while, but when I need it... it seems like a lot of people aren't willing to do the same for me.
     Maybe I'm looking in the wrong places, maybe its just because I don't trust a lot of people, who would be more than willing to listen, enough to let them see/hear/read me break down. Who knows... but here's something for everyone to think about next time they get a message/text/phone call:
     What does this person want? Just for you to listen? For advice? To know they aren't alone in this feeling?
     Maybe, people (including me) should make a habit of thinking before we are so quick to advise, help, or empathize.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

November 6th, 2010: Happy Birthday, Daddy!

So it is about 12:17 and it is now my dad's birthday.
I just finished all my homework, so it is now my official weekend!
I feel a great deal of accomplishment at this exact moment.
Phew.
4 days till my birthday!


As for last night:
a bunch of us went on to the roof of a building at school, just to hang out.
Whle standing up there I was looking at the stars and thinking about home,
and how homesick I really truly am...
then I just barely turned my head in time to see a falling star.
Then just to add to the amazingness,
"She's A Butterfly" came on my Ipod.
So I stood in the spot for a little while,
and saw 4 more falling stars.
I was so thankful for this because it reminded me that I can do all this,
and get over the obsticles that are deciding to be stupid and stand in my way.



Things are good right now,
they could be better...
but they aren't the worst.

Monday, November 1, 2010

November 1st, 2010: Halloween

So a group of us walked the Strip for Halloween, it was great!
We dressed Chris up as the Luxor and we were getting stopped so people could take pictures with him,
it was fabulous.
After we got tired of walking the Strip, we went to Terrible's for breakfast at about 11:30ish.
I've just gotten back to my room, and after this is posted I'm going to sleep.
I have class at 8:30, and have to get up at 6:45 to get ready.
Ugh, I'll be a zombie in class.....
Whoo-hoo...

November 1st, 2010: Halloween

So a group of us walked the Strip for Halloween, it was great!
We dressed Chris up as the Luxor and we were getting stopped so people could take pictures with him,
it was fabulous.
After we got tired of walking the Strip, we went to Terrible's for breakfast at about 11:30ish.
I've just gotten back to my room, and after this is posted I'm going to sleep.
I have class at 8:30, and have to get up at 6:45 to get ready.
Ugh, I'll be a zombie in class.....
Whoo-hoo...




Saturday, October 30, 2010

October 30th, 2010: English essay on a relationship

 
See What I Tell You To See
          “Sometimes when you can't do anything else and you can't express how you feel, there's this lovely thing called dance. When it is seen, somehow the whole world understands.” this was the best answer I could give to the my mentor for my senior project when he asked me why I dance, what dance means to me and why I wanted to take on a dance piece for my senior project. I couldn't say that dance is a series of movements that that a choreographer carefully puts together to manipulate how the audience feels and thinks. Dance is exactly that, a three way relationship between choreographer, dancer and audience, but it goes so much deeper. Dance is a way for one or two people to take control on how everyone else in the room feels and thinks, but it is only possible because dance is a universal language. No matter where they are, who, or age, when an audience watches a dance they will understand.
          There has to be a relationship between the dancers, choreographer, the audience. This is very easily manipulated by the change of music, sets, costumes, choice of auditorium and types of movement. When I was little and dressed in a bright yellow tutu doing a tap dance, the mood would have been cheery because the thoughts would be “awe, look at those little four year old kids, aren't they cute?”. Now when I tap, I understand how to control the mood. If I'm doing off beat tapping; I know I can express anger, confusion, and being hyper. On the other hand Broadway show tap is supposed to be more upbeat, happy and like nothing could rain on my parade. Think Gene Kelly in “Singing in the Rain”. Even in the pouring rain, he's dancing away and while watching it we somehow know he's just “singing in the rain” without a care in the world. As the lyrics even say in support of the dance: “I'm happy again, I'm laughing at the clouds. So dark above, the sun's in my heart and I'm ready for love.”
          Gene Kelly needed to somehow get the audience enticed in his character and the story, it is the same with me and dance. As a dancer, I must have a relationship with the audience for the performance to work, if there is no relationship then there is no possible way to manipulate the thoughts and feelings of the audience. This is why being a dancer takes acting skills as well. The choreographer should explain how they want each dance feels to the audience. It is my job as the dancer to figure out how to express that feeling and thought. This emotion is supposed to come out of how I am portraying myself to the audience. The most common ways to portray an emotion to people is with facials meaning how I smile and how I use my eyes. If the choreographer asked for the mood to be soft, quiet and a little depressed, do you think I am going to have sparkles around my eyes and big white smile? Probably not. I would let down my choreographer and not have the audience's full attention.
          As in most relationships, there's ways for this relationship to fail, usually it is if the idea is too broad or confusing or if I don't act well enough to draw the audience in. When I was sixteen I had to do a dance to “Bad Man” by Missy Elliot. The costume was black baggy sweatpants, black sweatshirt and white skate shoes. My teacher's exact words were “I want the audience to feel like you're going to jump off the stage and beat them up. So be aggressive and intimidating”. When I watch the video now, one of the girls has the biggest grin on her face I have ever seen. I get so distracted by her warm, chipper smile that I can't concentrate on the fact that the other dancers are pretty much asking for a fight. When I watch the video, I have to option to re-watch the dance and possibly find the real emotion being expressed. When someone is watching the actual performance, they have a one time shot. One dancer can ruin it all for the group and for the performance.
          Dancers, though we find each other as competition, are supposed to be a team. We are supposed to feed off of each others' energy and mood. If this doesn't happen in the group, the audience will be able to see that in the performance. We try to grow to be a team before the performance so the chances of a failed relationship with the audience diminishes. I know as well as anyone that once those lights start to warm your face and you are standing on that stage waiting for the music to start, the anxiety builds which makes it very hard to express any emotion or thought other then “AH!”. Somehow the minute that music starts we are supposed to regain ourselves. The audience came for a show, they came to see the work the dancers put in, they came to be taken out of the every day world and put into the world the choreographer chose for them.
          Most choreographers will choose a theme for their show, so it is easier to get thoughts across. I've been in Disney, Alvin and the Chipmunks, seasons, Charlie Brown, nursery rhymes and decade themes. Obviously none of these expressed the same feelings or made the audience think the same things. Even now, when I watch the Disney themed performance video, I remember being backstage watching and every dance made me think of the movie the song was from. I know there are some choreographers that do not choose a theme, I find it hard to connect to the show if it is just a jumbled mess of dances, music and costumes.
          Fusion Dance, the last company I was in, never chose a theme, and it was very difficult to follow the show. The mood would change from upbeat and perky to soft and sleepy. The audience never got really into the show, they just watched. I knew the difference because I had been in a company that chose themes and the audience would feel like they were part of the show or at least, watching a movie. I could feel the failure as a dancer being in Fusion Dance when I heard the applause diminish. With my first company the clapping would continue till a few minutes after the final curtain hit the stage, after a Fusion Dance performance the clapping would stop a few seconds after the music. I would walk backstage, pack my stuff and feel like I didn't do my best. I felt like I had practiced twice a week for a hour and a half for the last nine months for nothing. In my opinion, this is the worst feeling a dancer can have.
          After that feeling of failure for two years in a row, I was done dancing for Fusion Dance. I missed the connection of me and the audience. I didn't quit dancing, instead I took on the role of choreographer. I choreographed a ten minute dance piece as my senior project. I had to figure out everything: how I wanted the audience to feel, respond and think. I chose that I wanted to entertain and be humerus so the theme for my dance was “decades in a day”. I choose songs that were from the 80's to the current music on the radio. The costumes for my six dancers and myself were to be based on different decades. We practiced for about four or five months, and when we performed I was so excited. The audience clapped, laughed, sang along to the songs they knew and even danced in their seats. I knew my goal was accomplished.
          After the performance and the final bow, I packed up my stuff and couldn't stop smiling. I thanked each one of my dancers and their parents for letting them be in my piece. While I was in the lobby of the auditorium, I had audience members coming up to me and congratulating me and telling me how much they loved my piece. One lady that worked for the school district even said “you best get into choreography as your profession, you'll really go places and meet some wonderful people”. I was so happy and touched that the connection was there for the audience because I had lost sleep while waiting for this performance. I was so stressed and worried that the music, costumes and dance was just too far out there to really have anyone connect to it.
          Knowing that I am good at what I want to do as a profession was a great feeling. The feeling a dancer should have after a show: success. I love knowing that I can really entertain people, if not with my dancing then with my humor. I love locking people in, enticing them. Having the audience forget about the stress of everyday life, and just get into the story I'm expressing to them while I am on this stage.
          Maybe making this relationship between dancer and audience is something not ever dancer has, maybe its a learned trait or maybe we're just born with it. I'm not really sure. All I know is I can't even express how it feels after that standing ovation from the audience because they understood. Dance is a universal language, everyone understands, it just has to have the meaning and feelings behind it.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

October 28th, 2010: Wanna know something?

Wanna know something I don't like about myself...
I write.
Yeah, that's right...
I don't like that I write.
Personally I think I write pretty well.
I'm not the best,
but there is no way I'm the worst.
I know I have spelling and grammar errors
and still don't know when to use "to" or "too".
I still think I get what I'm meaning to be clear...
by this time you might be wondering why I don't like that I write, right?
Well, it is fairly simple,
I can express myself so well when I write,
partly because I can proof read before anyone gets to read it,
but with this fact I feel that when I try to talk about how I'm feeling...
I either ramble,
don't make sense
or say nothing.
I don't like that I write because I feel like now I can only fully express myself through my writing.
And I am a little tired of hiding between pen and paper
or behind these computer screens...
I think...



it is about time



I find my voice again.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October 21st, 2010: Quotes of the first few weeks of first year college

"Stories are supposed to be sexy... entertaining. Spelling things out like 'do not', 'can not'
... yeah, it's not sexy. USE CONTRACTIONS!" -Paul (English teacher)

"Oh look, that class got out early... you're not." - Paul

""If I live in Brazil I'll grow cumquats... Canada I'll grow... moose jerky?" - Paul

"See, once a fraction goes up its like the world is going to end... or like we're going to run into the backside of the car in front of us... fraction! AH!!!! Then BOOM!"-Matt (Math teacher)

"We could put cos(x-y)-2sin x+2sin y= 3 into a calculator... my calculator said 'yeah, not doing it'." -Matt

"She now thinks we need to guard the Canadian border. 'Cause you know we have to watch out for those Canadians. They might smuggle in maple syrup... watch out if you're having breakfast!" -Matt

"What's the rate?" - Matt
     "Achoo!" -student
          "No! but good guess. " -Matt

"That's really strange... it's like an evil donut or something." - Paul

"Its not like a science book that gives you content... it (English book) isn't like MEIOSIS!" -Paul

"That little half (of 20.5), we'll just have to throw it out... it could be a child but we've reached capacity." -Matt

"But then you get busted and get a Lifetime movie based on you." - Paul

"Yeah, its a rough place in the UNLV library. People get killed everyday while diving for a book." -Paul

"When you're like 15 and all 'I'm so depressed' no, you're not get over it... then the next day you're the happiest you've ever been." -Paul

"I only get drunk at 8 in the morning on Sundays. Joking! TOTALLY JOKING!" -Paul

"Five points for folling instructions... folling? falling... following.."-Paul

"It this were Alaska, it would get dark at eleven in the afternoon." - Matt

"Its not like a coo-ka-munga number is the ratio, no its in the word. Ratio, rational." -Matt

"Some of you decided to drink from the creek (of knowledge). Some decided to drink alcohol." -Matt

"I'm not Casey!" -Casey

"Babies... AH-HA!" -Casey

"Just a cookie..." -Cortney (roommate)

"Can you bleach a black man?" -Cortney
     "I don't know... go spray a black man with bleach." - Carly

"(to the beat of "Shots" by LMFAO) Socks, socks, socks, socks, socks, socks... EVERYBODY!" -Cortney

"If you die... don't die." -Cortney

"What it do baby boo (talking to KFC chicken)... get in my mouth!" -Cortney

"You know why? I a G6!" - Cortney

"Was that English?!" -Carly

"Where are my pants?" -Carly
     "You're wearing them.."-Cortney

"My fridge is cold." -Cortney

"The power of C!" -Cortney

"Any two points makes a line. Any three points makes a triangle, unless they're in a line. YAY GEOGRAPHY!" - Chris

"What day is it tomorrow?" -Cortney
     "Thursday.. I think." -Carly
          "Yeah?" -Cortney
               "I think." -Carly
                    "What's tomorrow?" -Cortney

"Do you have Lady Antebellum?" -Cortney
     "Yeah." - Carly
          "Do you have that song?" -Cortney
               "Need you now?" -Carly
                    "Yeah." -Cortney
                         "Yeah."-Carly
                              "YAY!" - Cortney

Saturday, October 16, 2010

October 16th, 2010: How to essay

 
Wear a Heart on Your Sleeve
It is now time for origami! By the end of this you will successfully be able to make a 3D paper heart. This skill is very handy for Valentine's day and passing notes to your “sweet heart” in high school. You will need one to twenty pieces of normal printer paper, this way you'll have room to mess up. I don't see anyone needing more than twenty pieces of paper, but if you feel like you may need more, by all means, grab more paper. Along with the paper you will need a little patience, two free hands, possibly a trash basket, some tape and a finely sharpened pencil, these last two are for if you want to cheat.
Now, sit in a comfy chair in front of any kind of flat surface you can use as a table. Take your first sheet of paper and lay it horizontally in front of you, think of the horizon if you can't remember which way is horizontally or vertically. If this still confuses you, put the sheet of paper with the long side of the rectangle towards you. Fold this sheet of paper towards you, “hotdog style” or horizontally in half. Once you are content with that fold, repeat and fold the paper towards you, “hotdog style” again, If you want, mark the middle of the rectangle. Make sure to smooth out the edges, so the heart doesn't come out look odd and bumpy. If you are a perfectionist, you can fold the to ends together making a rectangle half the length and mark the middle of the rectangle. This will help to avoid a lop-sided heart. You do not have to do this step however.
Make sure the open part of the “hotdog” is towards you, this is very important for steps later on in the process. Fold one of the sides of the rectangle into the center of the rectangle, making a right angle. Make sure the side you fold is, yet again, the open part of the “hotdog”. You should have an open part of the “hotdog” facing towards you, and facing toward the inside of the right angle just made.
Now, fold the other side to mirror that. This should make a triangle at the bottom with two long rectangles coming up, or an arrow pointing at you. If you have now messed up, take a deep breath, crumple the paper in anger and throw it in the trash, grab a new piece of paper and begin again. If you don't want to waste paper however, calmly unfold the piece of paper, breathe and simply begin again.
Flip your paper over, now you see a difference in the triangle and rectangles. Take one of the long rectangle flaps and fold it down toward the outside of the triangle, so that it is right next to the long edge of the triangle. Repeat on the other side. It should now look kind of like something a superhero would have as an emblem.
Fold each of those flaps down toward the bottom of the heart. This should make the shape of the top of a heart. Tuck the rectangles into the long edge of the triangle, they might stay but if you want you may use tape so the heart doesn't explode open the minute you put it down on the table or throw it across the room to your “sweet heart”.
You have hopefully now had success in making a 3D paper heart, this success may have come after a few tries, but you still did it! You can now decorate it with sparkles, stickers, drawings and give them away as valentines instead of having to buy them! Hopefully, making this didn't cause too many paper cuts, if so put some Neosporin and a band-aid on the cuts, you'll be good as new in a few days. For now, take out the trash which might be full of failures then be proud of yourself in learning your new paper heart making skill.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

October 12th, 2010: No worries

     Hello world, did you miss me? No worries, I'm not dead... its just been stressful on this side of the blog. So lets get you updated, yes?
     So, as you all know, I tore the ligaments in my ankle and have to wear an ankle boot... well see, last blog I didn't really explain how that impacted me sooooo much to where I might have had to go home...
You see, readers, I'm a dance major and more than half of my classes were dance classes. Obviously if I can't dance I fail these classes. Well, with just plain out dropping these classes, I'd only have 3 credits... you need 12 to stay in the dorms (which of course, with not being anywhere close to home, is where I live). So I was screwed. All because I was dancing in my Jazz class and tore ligaments. Ugh, I felt beyond screwed over. I didn't want to leave Vegas, I wanted to finish out this semester here.
     Well now, to update everything. I started thinking for myself over the weekend, instead of just letting the frustration and opinions of everyone else get to me. I decided I'd look into mid-semester classes and then when I'm home for Christmas break I'd decide if I wanted to come back to UNLV or not depending on how I felt and where my ankle is in its healing process. So with that choice, I called my parents and told them.
Monday (aka: yesterday): I didn't have to get up till 8ish because I don't have English this week since we are doing conferences. Well, my conference with Paul (English teacher) was yesterday in the Coffee Bean in Lied (pronounced like lee-d) at 8:50. I showed up early, mainly because I didn't even know there was a Coffee Bean ON campus, but it all worked out to where I got a White Chocolate blended coffee.... yum! Sat down with Paul and found out my recent grades: B on my latest essay and B- on my midterm... and B+ in class overall. Yay!
     After that I had a meeting with my advisor at 9:30, to tell him what I wanted to do about everything. I obviously needed to drop my dance classes but had to fill those 6 credits some way or another. He agreed. We got all that worked out and I now have 2 classes I must attend and 2 classes online. So everything is finally worked out and Vegas has to deal with me a little longer.
     As for today: even though I kinda wanna yell at the girls who are screaming down the hallway, I'm still in a good mood. I trimmed and re-layered my hair and felt great after so I dressed accordingly to go to class... well.. I guess I look decent since a guy crashed his skateboard into a speed bump smiling at me. Needless to say: made my day.
     Things seem to be on the right track again, now lets just see if they will stay there till I'm at least home.
I have my MRI on Friday so we can see the damage on my ankle... I'm kinda nervous but really excited.
     I promise readers, now that things are back to good, I'll keep you more updated. Thank you for sticking with me, and reading. It means a lot to me. And if you feel so obliged, so I can see exactly how many readers I have (I'm very curious), please write a comment or message me somehow. Thank you so much. :)
     Have a great week, and rest of the day.I'm meeting up with Casey at 7ish to go eat at the DC... then back to my lovely Supernatural obsession. Jared Padalecki <3



^ How I looked for my meeting with my advisor.
 I wanted to look like I wasn't playing games, but still wanted to look friendly.
^how I look today
Hair re-layered and a little shorter. I love it.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

October 7th, 2010: I don't want to...

I'm laying here, the only light is the light of my laptop screen.
I'm curled up in a ball... tears running down my face.
My ankle hurts, and the ankle boot makes my foot itch (I tore a lot of ligaments in my ankle).
My only option it seems is to go home...
and I don't want to.
I WANT to finish the year here...
even if it just means getting my gen ed out of the way...
but my dad wants me home...
and it feels like my mom is just so scattered that one second its stay here, next second its come home and there's no support any where
I'm the one injured... I'm the one hearing all this stuff without some sort of back up.
I don't want to go home.
I want to finish my year here.
Should I scream it at the top of my lungs so I'm heard?
But if I stay here...
what do I do?

Sunday, October 3, 2010

October 3rd, 2010: Tears

I'm in tears right now...
not bad tears..
but good tears.
I just got off the phone with my dad,
and I finally heard the words I've been working so hard to hear...
apparently he's said them before but their usually surrounded by negative so I never hear it...
this time it wasn't.
It was all good:
"Just with talking on the phone to you, I can hear how much you've grown up in such a short period of time. I'm proud of you."
There they were.
Ringing in my ears and bringing tears to my eyes.
I know my dad is proud of me but its rare to hear it like how it was said.
Usually its "I'm always proud of you but you could do better"...
or something along those lines.
I miss my dad so much.
Even though him and I don't get along as much as I wish we did...
I miss him so much.
I miss my mom too, but that one is obvious.
"I'm proud of you."

Thanks daddy...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

October 2nd, 2010: Goodness

So tonight is our game against our biggest rival (UNR)... we'll lose. We've only won one game and it was against New Mexico. So anyway, I'm not going to our game tonight... not only because I can predict that we'll lose horribly but also because my ankle hurts.
I went to see the doctor on Thursday and she told me I have tendonitis and tore a muscle in my ankle. It hurts horribly. So she prescribed a really heavy duty IbProphen and I have to keep my ankle wrapped. If it isn't better by Tuesday I'm supposed to call and see a different doctor. Ugh. I don't like doctors at all.

I've decided I should break up with Steven, not that anyone cares.

I can't wait to be home for Christmas. I wont want to leave.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

September 30th, 2010: Done

So I'm done with this city,
this city that is all change...
building torn down to build new ones,
acts coming and going.
Sex, drugs, money.
I'm done with what this city has done to me,
I've lost myself in this city...
this city of lost souls.
We all lose ourselves here,
trying to make ourselves be the "city".
We move for change,
we move for distance...
we move to start a new.
We don't move to change ourselves,
we don't move to distance ourselves from who we are,
and starting a new doesn't mean starting with a new us.
We are supposed to change our outlook on life, our surroundings and what we do,
we distance ourselves from unsolveable problems and people,
we are supposed to start a new life.

I am going to make a change for this city,
I'm going to change the city by staying true to myself.
I know who I am,
I know how I grew up...
and I know now how everyone wants me to be.
I, honestly, haven't been me since the first week I've been here for the most part.
I wanted friends,
so I changed how I was...
which grew into changed who I am.
I'm done.
I'm done acting,
and trying to please everyone else.


I'm done not being me.



So next year it is for sure that I shall be moving to California, and going to Humboldt. It feels right.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

September 26th, 2010: The ramblings of the mind

I'm in a good mood I promise.
I have class tomorrow, but I have a sprained ankle. Which isn't good.
I'm kind of upset because my dad was supposed to call tonight, and I finally had some good news for him... something to finally make him proud of me and he didn't call. I should be used to this from him. Breaking deals/promises... but it still hurts.
And then one of my used to be best friends is messaging me an trying to suck up to me... whatever. I'm done with that drama. I just want Steven (my boyfriend) to get off work and text me so I can fall asleep.
Ugh....
44 days till my birthday, 60 days till Hannah is here and 74 days till I'm home.
When I'm home Steven is hoping to get to come visit, which I will love.
Also I talked to my big brother today which made me smile, I miss him soooooooooo much.
I wanna be home.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

September 25th, 2010: Quote Essay

 

“Never let her wings touch the ground”
My friends all say that country songs are about nothing more than alcohol, dogs, cheating significant others, hunting/fishing and of course, the truck. I see country music differently. I grew up country, and there's no changing that. My dad even wanted to be a country star, so I guess that's where I got my slight country twang from when I sing. Yet, I did used to agree with my friends... there was no meaning behind country songs, they were just cowboys singing around the campfire. It wasn't until my mom came home one day and made me listen to “She's A Butterfly” by Martina McBride that I started really finding reason behind the lyrics.
My mom started saying that “She's A Butterfly” was my song, and described me perfectly. “You're so strong and wont let people bring you down” she used to say when I asked her why this song was about me. I guess that's true. I've been through a lot in my life, possibly more than some eighteen year old people. I don't regret anything that has happened though, it all made me who I am, and I don't want to change that.
As the first lines say “she remembers when she first got her wings and how she opened up that day, she learned to sing”, these lines hit home for me last year. I used to hide behind people because I thought they'd be better at standing up for what is right. I'd stand behind this person that I used as a shield, I'd say I was there for “back up” when really I was there being terrified and not having the guts to stand up for myself. I think it was that thought of “if they're willing to do this for me, why should I stop them” that kept me there for those seventeen years. It wasn't until the person who was supposedly standing up for me, made me sound like I wasn't able to do anything for myself that I finally spoke out and spread my wings.
I was going to show my friend my newly painted room at my dad's house, and when I walked in one wall of my blue room was covered in posters. I knew I didn't put them there, so I took them down. Hidden behind the mess of posters was a off white mess of paint. I was beyond mad. I walked my friend home, and got a call from my mom. She was going to be up at my dad's and we were going to figure this out. When I got back to my dad's I sat down on my bed staring at the wall. “I thought Carly did it, so I didn't think anything of it.” my dad said to try to defend himself as to why he didn't stop his girlfriend from doing this. How much I wanted to yell and scream at this because I knew it was a lie just so he could protect her over his own daughter... all I could do was sit there and cry as the anger built inside me.
I heard the door close, my dad's girlfriend was home. “I'm not moving, she can come in here so she can't hide from what she did.” I said as calmly as I could. She still avoided it, she had to make a phone call, then her mom called, then she needed to smoke, anything to keep from getting in trouble. With waiting for about an hour and a half, and having the anger build inside I was done waiting. I heard the TV turn on in the living room. My mom went out there and turned it off, they had an immature game of turning the TV on and off until my dad went out there and turned it off. I heard her lies and excuses enough to where I felt steam was coming out of my ears. I stormed out there and sat in the chair across from her, looked her in the eyes and asked “do you wanna try that again?”.
She went as far as to say that my mom and I stole the spare key, came in and painted my room, covered it with posters just so I could blame it on my dad's girlfriend. At this, all I could do was laugh because my dad had found the “missing key” on the front step next to a pack of cigarettes. She was busted and she knew it, but she was never going to own up to it. This was when I guess I spread my wings. She started using my past as reasons I would have done this. “You know nothing about me, you know nothing about my family, and you know nothing about all that I have been through in my life. How dare you take advantage of everything that my dad who has done everything for you. He even stands up for you against me!” I had finally burst. I couldn't hold the anger in anymore. I know what I said had hurt my dad, but it was true.
I had finally learned that I'm strong enough to spread my wings and be my own person. It was incredible, and scary but I was tired of having everyone stand up for me. I had finally realized I was a butterfly, ready to spread my wings and not let anything bring me down.
After finding out how strong I actually am, I re-listened to the song, and now every time I hear it... I think of everything I have been through and know that anything that is laid before me, I can over come. My mom always quotes “God bless the butterfly, give her the strength to fly. Never let her wings touch the ground”. This line is always great to hear when I'm not sure I can make it through whatever is happening at that moment. Listening to this song reminds me I can.
With this song meaning so much too me, I had to incorporate it into the tattoo I wanted. I had been dreaming of this tattoo and drew it out many times but it never felt finished until I added my butterfly. Originally the tattoo was just a crescent moon and a star above it. Each signifying one of my grandfathers. About two weeks ago, when I was about ready to give up on UNLV and fly home, I got on my facebook to my mom quoting the line on my wall. I pulled out my sketch of my tattoo and added a butterfly between the moon and the star. My tattoo finally feels finished.
“She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky. Nothing's ever gonna bring her down, and everywhere she goes everybody knows she's so glad to be alive. She's a butterfly.” Though I've had those hard times in my life where I thought that nothing good was going to come out of it, and though I feel like I was forced to grow up much to quick. I'm still happy with the life I live, and there's nothing that is going to keep me from my dream. I'm a butterfly, still growing my colors and finding out whats going on in this crazy world.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

September 22nd, 2010: So

I'm greatly excited!
Hannah gets to come visit me for her birthday! SOOOOO excited!
Also, I am going to the ballroom classes here on campus every Tuesday, they're just a great release. Some really nice people too. Yesterday I learned Rumba.
Over the weekend I met this one guy that is interested in buying some of my songs, so I've been talking to him a lot. He thinks I'm really talented. :)
Its always great to hear that.
I get to do an essay on the song that inspired the butterfly in the tattoo I want.
AND! I cut and bleached my own hair last weekend.
                          ^Under part of my hair                                      ^ I like it.

Friday, September 17, 2010

September 17th, 2010: Today

So today I feel better. I woke up at like 11:30, and luckily got dressed and got cute because guess what?!
IT WAS SURPRISE FIRE DRILL DAY IN DAYTON! Whoo hoo.
So at like 1:30 this afternoon the elevators stopped working and the blarring alarm went of along with the flashing light. I can officially say that if someone sets that thing off while I'm asleep, they are getting injured.
Then at like 2:30: a bunch of us girls went to shop at Forever 21. Ends up we were in that store for 2 hours, goodness gracious.
When I got back to my dorm I was bored so I trimmed my hair and drew the tattoo that I want.
^ The tattoo I want. Not to scale.
The star would be more on my neck while the moon is on my shoulder, with the butterfly flying between the two. I want the moon and star to be in white ink... the body of the butterfly, wings and tails to be in black and all the details to be in either black or white, except the two hearts I want those in red.


Inspiration behind the butterfly, this song means a lot to me:
"She remembers when she first got her wings
And how she opened up that day
she learned to sing
Then the colors came, erased the
black and white
And her whole world changed
when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly,
give her strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

God bless the butterfly,
give her the strength to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground
God bless the butterfly,
give her the strenght to fly
Never let her wings touch the ground"
- She's A Butterfly by Martina McBride

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

September 15th,2010: Still sick...

So I still feel sick, and its awful. I'm freezing yet I'm sweating, my throat feels like I swallowed sand paper, my tummy (yes, I said tummy) feels like I did 303,079,707 spins in a spinny chair and my head is pounding (I have no great annalogy for this one). Every time I cough, I feel like my throat is going to catch fire... but my pinky doesn't hurt so its a good day.
While I've been laying here, since my lovely dorm floor has decided that today they are going to yell and scream like they're being killed making it impossible to sleep more, I've been thinking.
I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of being at UNLV. There's nothing here for me. I keep talking about transferring over to Humboldt after this school year and the more and more I think and talk about it... the better it is feeling. Crater set high standards for their students and having talked to everyone here, the standards (that were supposedly what we had to have to get into a good college) were much higher than what even this college has for us.
I mean come on, I'm "over achieving" with having Elementary Algebra and English 101. Apparently if I had kept my Biology, it would have been unheard of!
I loved Crater dearly, and being here makes me thankful for the high standards. I listen to the other freshmen on my floor and all I can think is "wow, I learned that like Junior year... and you're just now learning that!?"
UNLV, I was expecting it to be worse than what it is, I was expecting excitement... but it feels like I'm just back at Crater but not so many classes and I live on campus.
Humboldt might not be any different, but it feels right.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

September 14th, 2010: Stayed in my dorm sick today.

Stayed in my dorm today, had a temperature of 89.4. It took all my energy to even go down to the health center. I feel bad for missing my classes today, but I have been working on class work during the time that I'm awake. I'm still not feeling well at all, which is awful. I'm going to try to go to bed early tonight. Doubt it will work. Anyway, as I was awake and needing a break from math I started to write and this is the outcome:

"Dancers. We are contradictions. We work our butts off to be exactly how everyone else wants us to be but we claim to be individuals. We fake it till we either make it or break. We work out to have good, strong, healthy bodies while we starve ourselves to fit into costumes, we suffer sleep deprivation (and restless leg syndrome), we have the worst blisters, we strain our knees, backs, shoulders and necks... sprains and muscle injuries are a normal part of our life. We have to look perfect for everyone at all times but we'll do everything in public and not care. We claim we don't care what others think of us but that is exactly all this profession is. Judgement. Trying, fighting and risking everything to be the best. Dancers. We're crazy... but most of us are trying to be our teacher's little prima so much that we don't see how stupid we really are. We started dance because it was fun, then it became a passion which quickly turned into a dream. A dream we must let others control. I had this dream once... the dream to become a famous dancer... but I gave up on this dream and now have a dream to control the dreams of the crazy dancers who want to be my little prima. I want to be a teacher and a choreographer... not a ballerina... not a show girl. I want to inspire and I want to be inspired. Dancers... some of us are smart individuals."

Monday, September 13, 2010

September 13th, 2010: Final draft of Community Essay.

So I'll admit these facts are totally through my view, and some are just guessing... others made up just to use space. =D not going to lie.
"Com-Boom-ity


     We were separated into four different schools - among this three acer campus - but we were still supposed to call ourselves the Crater Comets. I'm guessing it is because even though we're separated into four "groups", we're still part of the Crater campus as a whole. I'd like to know how this was going to be possible when there was so much hate and disrespect on this high school's campus? Even worse, we didn't just have the stereotypes of a normal high school these small schools made the stereotypes even bigger and more obvious, making it even easier to disrespect each other. We had the “tree huggers and hippies” in Academy of Health and Public Services, the “jocks, preps and geeks” in School of Business, Innovation and Science, the “hicks” in Academy of Natural Sciences and the “emos, goths and theater nerds” in Renaissance Academy. Sure, all of these small school titles technically have "Crater" in front of them but with how all of the students acted towards each other, you would have never guessed. This small school program was supposed to bring Crater together and make high school a better community when all it really did was separate us more and more but, leave it to a bomb scare to make us realize that Crater High School is actually able to drop the stereotypes and just be there for each other.
     March 3rd, 2010: fifteen minutes into the first period class, I’ve already been at school for a hour and a half, thanks to my early bird Chamber Choir class, I’m already tired and counting down the hours till I get to go home, to bad I still have a full day to get through. The substitute in my health class is taking attendance when an odd voice comes over the intercom. “All teachers on Crater campus take your class to the gym immediately.” This voice, which wasn’t the friendly voice of the lady in our office... or a voice of anyone on the Crater campus, was a recording and on repeat mixed with a unusual buzzing alarm... all students are now panicked. We left our class room and see our principal running around, we hear cop cars and ambulances and to add to the fear there’s a S.W.A.T truck parked on the campus, right in the middle of our court yard. Within five minutes at least 1,600 students are packed into the schools gym, but I can't find my small school then I realize it, we aren't separated into our small schools... why? I thought we hated each other, yet we're clumped together out of fear and compassion?
     There’s “jocks” talking to “hicks”, there’s “emos” comforting crying “preps”. Is this really what Crater is like? I’m sitting in the bleachers, on the phone with my mom trying to find out what’s going on, I’m guessing its a senior prank of some sort but as I sit there and look around I can’t see the separation, I see a community. We’ve all been in school with each other since pre-school, we all used to be friends, we used to share crayons and get in trouble for not sleeping during nap time! All that disappeared when we got into middle school and trying to concentrate on being “cool”, but here it is again. In a time of need, the support, encouragement and compassion is back. I’m speechless.
     Everyone is running around, I wouldn't say any of us were in hysterics. There was fear, mostly in the freshmen, but a lot of people were just so confused and lost and nervous they either were in tears or numb to emotion. I, even now, can't really remember how I felt before I called my mom. I guess I was scared since I automatically searched for my best friends to get a few hugs from. After I knew exactly what was going on though, I think I was fine. I went up to my English teacher, Mrs. Hillman, to see how she was. She didn't know what was going on, and she just wanted to have everyone calm down so she, as she often did, was making terrible jokes. The only thing I could think of to help her came spilling out of my mouth without thought: "steal the megaphone from Mr. Meunier and start a massive game of Marco Polo." All she could do was laugh and started thinking of other games that would be great to play as a massive school, such as freeze tag and "mother may I". After that I told my other worried friends exactly what was going on, so then we all separated and went to tell everyone else that they can breathe easy and stop worrying. After everyone was calmed down and the fake bomb was removed from the school some kids and parents were rather traumatized by the entire day so parents came and picked up students. Other students stayed behind, but there is still tension and fear in the air for the rest of the day, though all the students and teachers are making jokes about this lovely bomb.
     Community can be defined by the dictionary, but it can’t be understood until it is seen and felt. I had been on teams, in clubs and with groups of people my whole life, but until this fake bomb scare in my high school... I was completely oblivious to what a community really is. Its a coming together of people, to support, care and love for one another especially in a time of need. Before any student knew what was going on there were tears out of fear and yelling out of being nervous, but most of all there was people trying to help calm them down. Community is never defined the same by everyone. I define community as being there for each other, as the Crater students were when some of us thought we were going to get killed, the next person might define community as a simple gathering of people in one place, a party if you please, no feeling or concern attached, just a coming together of people. You never know until you get many small parts of one big deal finally acting as if we're all in this together, and the stereotypes of high school don't matter... then a sign and an understanding of community really shines through the walls people build up through the years.As Albert Einstein said "This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." "