Where am I

Let's be honest, 
over the last year, I have truly lost myself.

• My marriage got torn apart
• I was incredibly unstable 
• and turned... again.... to self harm as a form of something I could control. 

Everything went downhill so fast and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't find a way to make the light. Everything just hurt and I had no safe place to heal.

So, my plan was to move back to Vegas. Start my life over in a city I loved, in a city where I knew people so I wouldn't be alone and in a city where none of the bad things that were happening could or would follow me. 

Obviously, since I am still in Oregon, that didn't happen. 

I instead became very reclusive. Buried myself in school and my jobs. Then I graduated, and I just buried myself further into work, leaving no time for people because people = hurt in my mind at the time. The more people I let in, the more hurt I was becoming because everyone had their own opinions of what was going on and how I should be handling it. I was being torn in every which direction, torn from limb to limb. 

My depression go really bad. If I wasn't working, I was in my pajamas either in bed or on the couch. I would leave to go get my nails done once a month, but other than that... the world was just a big ball of nope, nu-uh, not happening. Even that hurt because I like being social, I like people... but I was terrified because of everything that had been happening. There were now people who I thought were friends who hated me because I made different choices than they would have. The thing with that is, they had never been in the position I was in. The lying that was happening, the hiding things, the yelling, arguing.... in all parts of my life. I just wanted to run, to feel safe... to heal. But apparently, that was bad and made me a bad person. 

After almost a year of all of that, my life is still pretty not-so-great, but its on the uphill battle now. I am working on me, working to make new friends (thanks to some lovely women for having reached out and made me step out of my comfort zone), and am working really hard on just doing what feels right to me without much concern of how others feel about it. They don't live my life and don't see the world as I do, if I am a bad person because I decided to not treat people poorly, play high school games and continue to spread drama/gossip/rumors then I guess I am the worst person you'll ever meet... and honestly,

I am okay with that

because I know that I am a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and can only be who I am. I lost myself so much that I was trying to fill these rolls in order to fit in, in order to have certain people like me but even when I was exactly what they wanted, they were still talking about me behind my back. 

My life is getting better, I get to be an aunt to so many amazing kiddos who really keep me going and encourage me so that I can be a role model to them. I get to be an daughter and step daughter to people who love me. I get to be a sister, a fighter for whats right, an ally, a confidant, a listening ear, a strong shoulder.... I get to be the person I had been missing, who I let get pushed back into the darkness. But, she's slowly coming out again. I have volunteered with a few great organizations, haven't self harmed in over 6 months, cut back on the drinking (actually gave up alcohol for Lent), have started working out more. I started a job that puts me back working with kids and start back into school this fall.
Things will be okay, things always work out...