Just tear me apart... you have my heart anyway.

As I lay down my head to try to fall asleep...
you run across my mind
 Part of me wishes you didn't
 'cause that part of me wants to hate you,
 I can't though.
You captivate me beyond what I tell you.
Your eyes pierce me through and through...
in pictures and in real life.
At the same time...
I want to hate you because you confuse the hell out of me which annoys me to the very extent of my mind.
 I know you know so much about me but at the same time you pretty much know nothing.
To be blunt I feel its all your fault we are how we are now.
I had given it my all and I got tired with trying to please you.

Written Junior Year

Stomach turning, throat closing, head pounding and tears flowing. 
Crap, it's coming back.
This sickness,
the depression...
This stupid disorder.
Affecting me, making me sick.
Can't stop it, can't change it.
It just happens.
Feels horrible but it's reality.
Something I have to deal with when it comes back around.
Don't let anyone help.
Close up in myself.
Don't touch me, don't ask, don't care.
Makes me feel worse, but only way I can think to not let it effect others.
Act happy, though my eyes say differently.
Ha!
Rarely anyone cares enough to read my full expression.
They see smile so 'yay she's happy.'
They don't look to see if my eyes reflect happiness or not.
To see if they are holding back tears or fighting hurt.
Rarely, rarely...
does anyone care enough to notice... 
or have enough time to care or stop being distracted to notice that I'm hurting.
Get distant, rarely talk, no eye contact made.
Avoid it all, society.
Rarely eat, say I'm full.
Wont eat if I'm not forced.
No one will know but me.

Always letting go, but never giving up.

Please save me from this cold, strange darkness and keep me from myself. I can't handle being alone in this darkness of unknown. With the bumps in the night: I scream with no hope of being heard. Echos of pain and hurt still ringing in my ears. Letting go while pulling at my heart strings. You're planning on never letting up. Just pulling till you finally crash me down.

 Down into your darkness and out of your heart. Always letting go but never giving up. You say to me you care but you're breaking my heart. I was wanting to help you break your habits, walk out from the shadows of your lies. I can't look you in the eyes. My heart is waiting for you to pick it off the line. I'm set up for heartbreak, for betrayal. There's bound to be some tears falling from my eyes.

As I sit here and write this note you're never going to get, I wish I had the guts to say this to your face. But your hazel eyes pierce me through and through. I'm wanting to be done, but I care with all my heart. I can't just wish it away to my darkness. The light would shine on it once more. You've torn me apart, ripped my heart to shreds. I care too much to say to you how much you've hurt me.

Those days that I see you and we're together, I wish I could put the world on hold. Hours still pass me by. I don't want to slip back into that darkness. So I'm done with you, done with the pain you've put me through. I've moved on and detached myself from you, a person that never got attached in the first place. I showed you the weak side of me... let down my guard but I'm done.

I was going to try and be friends but you're dumb and wrecked that too.

 I now realize... I have a right to be happy and not have your life with drugs and alcohol. I wish you the best. Just leave me out of your darkness, let me have my light. I stepped out of your shadow, and left you on your own. I shouldn't try to be your strength, none the less your support. I have the strength to fight back, so I'll fight with all I've got. I'll thank you for my strength, and hate you for the scars. You affected me more that I let off. Even now I don't hate you, though I wish I could. You did what I asked... you saved me from my darkness. Showed me my light. Now I'm never looking back... you were my darkness all along. Draining me of life... you can't take my light.

 I wont let you take my light.