Piece by Piece: Anxiety and HSP today's episode

Want a look at how my anxiety and HSP (hyper sensitive person) plays together?

No, of course you don't, but here you are so now you'll get a glimpse.

These last few days have been a roller coaster from my emotions and I finally had enough. I am a teacher, so I am "laid off" during the month of August. The start of this roller coaster: I tried to apply for unemployment yesterday

(again, thinking it would be different since I have a different employer than I did last time)

and was pretty much told "no" because I'd have to have my previous employer on it as well... 

which, if you read my post "Rant", you'd know why this isn't an option.

So, that hit hard because unless my friends have need for a babysitter, or I get any photography gigs, I will not have any income for the month of August. 

I cried because that is really daunting and hard to swallow with not knowing how I will be paying my bills for an entire month.

I cried because I've been feeling like I keep falling down and when I finally feel like I'm able to start standing up, something or someone comes and pushes me back down... then while I'm down, I continuously get kicked. I feel beaten, bruised and battered to a pulp. 

I just want something good to happen.

I just want a break.

Then today, I was expecting to receive my new fridge

after waiting for a month since my old one died

YAY for renting from a company....

I'm still not a happy camper about it.

then when the place who was supposed to be delivering the fridge was called this morning, they said they had absolutely no record of a fridge being delivered today or in the near future. Since this has been a chore and a half to even get a fridge ordered, this didn't surprise me so we made plans to go out and run a few errands. This sounded great since I had been home most of the week with being off of work. 

Once it was time to start getting ready, 

we got a call about our fridge getting delivered around 1pm.

Yay, for finally having a new fridge, but my mind had already accepted that we weren't getting it today and had moved on to being excited about getting out of the house, of which my mind was now processing as 

not going to happen 

so I broke. I didn't cry again which was nice, but I had to escape. I ended up in my bed upstairs. I couldn't process it anymore. There was too much up and down for my mind to process as quickly as it was happening and it was causing my anxiety to go insane. 

In the end, we still had time to go out and run errands plus we have a new fridge so it all worked out but at the time, my mind wasn't seeing clearly so I broke. I shut down, I needed a break away from the world. My body, heart and mind hurt which can start to cause it to actually hurt. I got a stomach ache almost instantly, and my body has been hurting and aching to the point where I can't get comfortable. 

This is just a peak into how silly my anxiety can be and it is escalated due to my HSP so it feels so much worse. 

I end up feeling crazy, absolutely insane...

once I process and come back to the real world that is.

I'm doing better, and I'm going to keep moving forward.

It was a rough patch.

August is going to be good.

Piece By Piece Collection

Hey you guys,
so I am not sure who all is still with me, who is new or if I am just writing this to feel better within myself. None the less, I thought I'd give you all a little deeper look into who I am. I'm calling it "Piece by Piece" and within this collection of posts I'm going to talk about the fact that I struggle with

• Acute Stress Disorder (ASD)
•  Anxiety
• Acute Depression
• Hyper Sensitivity (HSP)

I know I have made a post about my HSP previously, but its been awhile and with such an "uncommon" part of myself, I feel like I have learned more and have more to share just within those years. I know so many people post about their anxiety and depression, but I am going to try to add a new twist to it....

we will see what happens.

Along with those, I'm going to talk about a few different experiences I have had in my life that effect me daily, some of which I have never talked about with a lot of people, these will be hard for me to write, and I will try to put as much trigger warnings to them as I can without giving the whole post away within the warning - I gotta keep you reading, that's the whole point, right?

I'll also talk about a few different relationships I have had in my life.
Piece by Piece, you'll be learning more about me, so that we can connect and I wont just be another person ranting online.

While I've decided to pick up my blogging again, I've also decided that I want to use it as a way to reach out to people, help people, educate people and be a friend to those who feel alone. So, through these posts, please be mindful of each other in the comments and mindful that I am a real person. I read the comments when I get them, be kind, be thoughtful and be loving.

I'll be starting this collection in the next few posts....

they'll be titled "piece by piece:" so that you know....

 so I'll see you soon then. 

Where am I

Let's be honest, 
over the last year, I have truly lost myself.

• My marriage got torn apart
• I was incredibly unstable 
• and turned... again.... to self harm as a form of something I could control. 

Everything went downhill so fast and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't find a way to make the light. Everything just hurt and I had no safe place to heal.

So, my plan was to move back to Vegas. Start my life over in a city I loved, in a city where I knew people so I wouldn't be alone and in a city where none of the bad things that were happening could or would follow me. 

Obviously, since I am still in Oregon, that didn't happen. 

I instead became very reclusive. Buried myself in school and my jobs. Then I graduated, and I just buried myself further into work, leaving no time for people because people = hurt in my mind at the time. The more people I let in, the more hurt I was becoming because everyone had their own opinions of what was going on and how I should be handling it. I was being torn in every which direction, torn from limb to limb. 

My depression go really bad. If I wasn't working, I was in my pajamas either in bed or on the couch. I would leave to go get my nails done once a month, but other than that... the world was just a big ball of nope, nu-uh, not happening. Even that hurt because I like being social, I like people... but I was terrified because of everything that had been happening. There were now people who I thought were friends who hated me because I made different choices than they would have. The thing with that is, they had never been in the position I was in. The lying that was happening, the hiding things, the yelling, arguing.... in all parts of my life. I just wanted to run, to feel safe... to heal. But apparently, that was bad and made me a bad person. 

After almost a year of all of that, my life is still pretty not-so-great, but its on the uphill battle now. I am working on me, working to make new friends (thanks to some lovely women for having reached out and made me step out of my comfort zone), and am working really hard on just doing what feels right to me without much concern of how others feel about it. They don't live my life and don't see the world as I do, if I am a bad person because I decided to not treat people poorly, play high school games and continue to spread drama/gossip/rumors then I guess I am the worst person you'll ever meet... and honestly,

I am okay with that

because I know that I am a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and can only be who I am. I lost myself so much that I was trying to fill these rolls in order to fit in, in order to have certain people like me but even when I was exactly what they wanted, they were still talking about me behind my back. 

My life is getting better, I get to be an aunt to so many amazing kiddos who really keep me going and encourage me so that I can be a role model to them. I get to be an daughter and step daughter to people who love me. I get to be a sister, a fighter for whats right, an ally, a confidant, a listening ear, a strong shoulder.... I get to be the person I had been missing, who I let get pushed back into the darkness. But, she's slowly coming out again. I have volunteered with a few great organizations, haven't self harmed in over 6 months, cut back on the drinking (actually gave up alcohol for Lent), have started working out more. I started a job that puts me back working with kids and start back into school this fall.
Things will be okay, things always work out...

Rant

So, I haven't posted in a few years, so hello. I will make another post about some updates, but this one is just because I need to rant for a few.

I just recently left a retail job that I greatly enjoyed. The job was wonderful, and my coworkers were amazing. 

"Well then, why did you leave?"

Because my supervisor, who also happened to be the owner... and it sucks, because I was good at the job, loved my position, customer base and was learning a lot.
My supervisor just didn't see any of that, sadly, even after having been there over a year and a half. 

So, I left and even worse, I don't feel like it was on good terms like I had hoped. I had done the proper thing with having given my two weeks and had agreed to stay longer if needed in order to help train and finish up a few events that we were going to be at. Then something happened, and my supervisor ended up letting me go because he felt as if I had been lying to him. The thing with that is, I hadn't. I still can say I hadn't. There was no reason for me to lie, and any time I had done something wrong previously, I had owned up to it. That is who I am. 

Now, the supervisor is really good at aspects of his job, in my opinion, management isn't one of them. The way he would speak to people would make them cry, fear him and all around feel like complete shit (excuse my language). There were a few instances where he would talk down about me either to or in front of customers, to the point where said customers no longer wanted to work with me because I "didn't know what I was doing" but was good at my job "because I'm pretty". 

EXACT QUOTES!

The first part of that always hit me funny when it was said because I had never formally been trained. I started and not even two weeks later, the person training me left the state for 4 months. I trained myself with the help of a binder that was left by the person before me. If it wasn't in the binder, I taught it to myself. So, if I "didn't know what I was doing", it was because I wasn't doing it their way because I had received maybe two weeks of training. I was proud of everything I had figured out on my own and was even able to re-write the training binder before I left to include even more knowledge to help out whoever would work behind the counter.

 Now, I don't want to go into everything that was wrong with this, because honestly... I don't have the energy or care enough to type it all out again. There are many people who left this place of employment who would have a similar story to mine, and sadly, there will probably be many more to come.

ANYWAYS..... 

The real reason for my rant is how ridiculous the Oregon Employment System is. 

Before leaving my position, I had already found another job with a great company, problem was that I was not sure when I was going to start, it was guaranteed that I wouldn't start for at least a month (which worked out great until my previous supervisor had decided to let me go due to my "lying" because then I would have only been unemployed for a couple weeks - 1 of those weeks I was in Vegas), but since I had been let go early from my position, I filed for temporary unemployment. I went through all the steps and jumped through all of the hoops and since I had technically left my place of employment, let me tell you.... there were a lot of steps and hoops! I had gotten an email saying that I had been approved to collect unemployment until I started my new job, as long as I kept doing all of the proper stepping and hoop jumping and finished my "welcome process". I did all of this. 

Then I get a phone call, I had to give statements as to why I left my position, which is fine until they say that my previous supervisor will be hearing my statements - which I had been informed were recorded. This is where things started to go downhill. Due to the conditions I worked in, who my supervisor is as a person and how things ended, I was not comfortable with this so I had to deny my unemployment and figure out something else in order to make it until I could start my new job.

Disappointing, but fine.

I am nothing if not resourceful.

Due to the things I had seen and had been subject to, I had also filed with BOLI under "whistle blowing". 

This is where things become not so fine.

I spent 2 hours on the phone, four emails, countless forms of proof and was able to provide witnesses to all aspects of what I was claiming... but, in order to process the claim, the previous supervisor gets to read all of the statements and my name is plastered all over the paperwork!

"I thought I had checked the box for this to be anonymous due to not feeling comfortable/safe with the supervisor know who was filing"

"Well, the anonymous part is that we don't provide your address or phone number"

"He already has that in my employee records"

".....yeah....unless he got rid of them or you move and change your number"

Even after she has heard the forms of retaliation that happened while I was there -whether towards me or that I had witnessed towards my coworkers- even after she had heard all of the things I was bringing up, read the messages and heard the recordings... I would still have to agree to risk more retaliation by letting my prior supervisor hear/see everything and have my name plaster all over it!

Thanks for keeping your employees safe, BOLI. Instead, everything that you now have on file will keep happening because I can't risk more retaliation, so now it is on your hands that more people get to endure what I told you. 

UGH!

What the ever living $%^# am I doing?

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Nothing I try to do goes right, I destroy lives of those around me and I make everyone absolutely miserable. I have lost my love and passion for everything - photography, dance, writing, drawing... literally everything. And I can tell that I am slowly ruining my marriage, and we haven't even been married a year, so that's fun. My life is exploding and I'm imploding. I wish I wasn't here... I wish I could just go away so that everything would be better for everyone I care about. I know I'm a burden, I know I'm useless since I don't help in any way shape or form... and I know that I am never good enough. I am always second choice. My heart hurts right now. I lost where I used to dance, I've lost my confidence and I'm slowly losing everything that means anything to me. I am being pushed out of my job - whether intentional or not, I don't know. I don't talk to my mom or sister anymore. And I have totally destroyed my husband's life. He doesn't talk to any of his family, he's lost all of his friends and it is all because of me. I am the only one to blame, and I know that. Everyone tries to tell me differently, but I know better. I'm toxic. I've been told that my entire life. I take things for granted until they have nothing left to give. Why am I even still here?

"Exploring careers in psychology" - Assignment

Psychology, the study of the human mind and the mental characteristics of a person or group. So many side points to that simple definition intrigued me enough to want to go to school and become a psychology major. Something I never thought about, though, was the different benefits my field held for my future. I chose the field I did because it interested me, and I enjoyed the thought as well as the -what I would say- benefit of the job in the knowledge that I would be helping others in their lives. Something that I didn't count on was having to find a field within my field. I figured psychology covered it all, I didn't think about the differences between a military therapist compared to a child therapist and the financial difference between them all as well. I feel like many people look into the financial benefit of going to school to major in their desired field, and there is some truth to this. Knowing the difference in the annual income can really help people decide what they are going to go to school for precisely rather than something generic - such as me thinking that getting a degree in psychology covered it all rather than thinking to specify and get my doctorate. According to Psychology Today “the median annual salary of bachelor's level psychology majors was $30,00” versus in 2010 where the starting salary was $36,400. (Whitebourne). With this number changing annually, the median pay for psychologist in 2015 was $34.89 an hour. That hourly wage compared to the $9.50 for minimum age in Oregon, would be a rather large benefit and motivation to earn a degree. I feel like a huge benefit is that there is on the job training. To finish with a degree in psychology, you do have to complete an internship or residency. I feel like this is a large benefit because students get to dip their toes in the water and see what it is like to be in the field but still have the help of a mentor a long the way. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) If a student feels overwhelmed in their internship, they might learn that the field they are working on isn't what they are meant to do. Something might look great on paper and the school work might seem easy, but until you are actually working in the field, I feel like there is no true way to know exactly what it is like to do the job. The largest benefit in majoring in psychology is the what the diploma says. To many people, that diploma means that they can trust you to do your job and as a psychologist, that trust in the client is important. It is a field based on trust, communication and respect. For someone to put the effort in going to school and getting educated in their field shows clients that they worked for their title and have an education to back what they are saying. For the two fields I keep vacillating between, that trust is important. I am interested in both the field of being a child psychologist and a family therapist. For a child psychologist, they are studying the social processes and behavior of a child. From that they are learning how the child reacts and relates to other people and their surrounding environment. Child psychologist do have the option of working independently in their own practice, or they can collaborate with different programs, including schools, other counselors or social workers. In this field, in 2015 the median pay was $34.89 per hour which totals $72,580 per year. To obtain a job in the field of a child psychologist, a doctoral degree is typically needed, though in a few areas a masters will suffice as well as obtaining a license. On the other hand, there's the option of family therapist. In this field the therapist is helping their clients overcome different problems that are affecting the family or other relationships in the client's life. From there, the therapist finds different things that can help the client improve their relationships and lives. It is more common to see family therapists in a mental health center or in their own private practice. Compared to the child psychologist job, a family therapists median pay in 2015 was $20.77 an hour and $43,190 per year. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) To find a job as a family therapist, all that is required in an internship, a masters and a license to have their practice. If I were to compare the two, you would see that there are a few similarities and many differences. Both positions main goal is to understand and be able to identify and explain the emotions and behaviors of their clients and how the behaviors are affecting their lives as well as the lives around them. With this, both positions have to do a few different studies of the behavior and functions of their clients to identify what the exact reason for the conflict is. As I said, though there are a few similarities, there seem to be many more differences. Psychologist are more about the observation, studies and collection of research and information to identify the patterns in their clients behavior and thought patterns. Psychologist are looking to understand the client's thoughts, behavior and feelings so that they can later use their research to support their theories about different disorders or the underlying problem in their client's life. Psychologist often only have one person per session and will focus primarily on that person. (Bureau of Labor Statistics (2) ) While family therapists are more focused on teaching their clients tools and techniques so that their client can use the tools in their lives to manage their disorders, or problems in their lives and relationships. Therapists are focused on anything that can be affecting their clients from low self esteem to mental and emotional disorders. The therapist help their clients take steps to cope with different situations and can help refer them to other support groups or tools in their community. Family therapists are more family centered versus being focused more on an individual as a psychologist would be. In the end, I chose psychology as my major because I enjoy helping people, all money and statistics aside. I chose to look more into specified degrees in a child or family setting because I feel like that is more a field I'd be the most help in. Now I just need to do my research and find exactly what field and degree I want and need to follow my dream. Citations Whitbourne, S. K. (2012, September 11). The Top 10 Reasons to Major in Psychology. Retrieved June 13, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/the-top-10-reasons-major-in-psychology Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Mental Health Counselors and Marriage and Family Therapists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/community-and-social-service/mental-health-counselors-and-marriage-and-family-therapists.htm (visited June 13, 2016). Bureau of Labor Statistics (2), U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Psychologists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/life-physical-and-social-science/psychologists.htm (visited June 13, 2016).

Well, welcome back!

Hey all you lovely lovely people, I hope I haven't lost all of you guys! Who is still here with me? Roll call? Kidding.... kinda. Well, after taking over a year off, I guess I have a lot of catching up to do since A LOT has happened. So, a year ago I dropped out of school to take a break. I was tired, felt mistreated and was really battling depression and was greatly battling anxiety. Let me tell you, not fun. So, I'm sorry that I've been missing for so long. But I am happy to say that I am back and in full force! Expect to be seeing a new post on each blog about once a week. ;) Annnnyway, I'm happy to report that I am currently working in a daycare as a teacher, and totally love it. Its my first week this week, but I feel more at home than I have in awhile at any other job. I also get back into school on the 19th of this month to continue my battle for my psychology degree. But, in my every day life SO much has changed! So, lets start. I have a new guy in my life, and I guess you could say things are pretty serious, as we are engaged and are looking at a wedding this coming September. He's pretty neat, I guess.... but you can read more about that mushy gushy relationshipy stuff on my other blog (http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) I'm really excited about all of it and he's a great change from my last few relationships. Currently we are in the process of buying a house, which is pretty adult for a 24 year old... if I do say so myself. He moved in last year with his amazing boxer, so then we had two dogs - thanks to my chihuahua - in our lovely house. and then last week, we welcomed another fur-baby into the house and she is just a love. Annoying and doesn't know how to play gentle yet, but a total cuddle bug. She's a wonderful mutt, but is mostly Australian Shepard and Boston Terrier. Personally, I've gone through a lot. Between battling my depression and anxiety. I have lost a great man in my life due to cancer and also found out that my grandmother's cancer is back and this time... its kicking her butt. So if you have some extra room for good thoughts and prayers, please send them to her. She's a very strong woman and I'm having a hard time coping with the fact she might not make it to my wedding day. Other than that, things are going well. My depression has subsided for the most part, with small episodes here and there. My anxiety doesn't rule my life, and I rarely have panic attacks anymore. I'm out of the world of retail, of which I've been in since 2013ish. I have a man who loves me and a wedding in a few months... Only thing that could make it better is knowing that all you lovely people haven't given up on me. Have a great night, lovelies.

Merry Christmas

 Me last year (2013)

So, I don't know if I just have a lot to say or just have a lot to think. But it is at this time, that I remember exactly what I was doing and what was going on in my life a year ago.
A year ago, I thought I was the happiest I could be. I was in a relationship I had waited to be in since Sophomore year, and had been in said relationship for a year. I had my dad, my mom and a wonderful friend base. I was trying to fit into my (at that time) boyfriend's families by showing up to all the dinners.  No seriously, I think I had more Christmas dinners last year that I have in my life! It was crazy. Anyway... I was in school and had just started my great job at Pier 1. My (at that time) boyfriend and I had started talking about moving in together...
and then there's now. I lived with that boyfriend, and as most know now, it didn't work out. We broke up after being together for two years and one month. Now, we don't even speak when he used to be one of my best friends, even before we dated.

I'm still at Pier 1 and love every second of it, though I seem to complain a lot, but if I let on to how much I love it there.... who knows what would happen. I got truck lead, which might not mean much, but it means the world to me. 

I have an awesome boyfriend, though the relationship is still super new, I can say that he makes me smile way more than I'm used to and it's great. We have just as much fun and smiles staying in and relaxing as we do going out to movie or food. We're both going through a lot right now, and I don't know about him, but it feels better knowing that I have someone there to talk to or not talk to and just have my world be okay for a little bit.

I'm currently taking a break from school, but I'm working on transferring so I'm hoping that will be a positive move forward as well.
I've made a lot of new, life long friends and let go of some negative people from my past. I've mended some relationships, and cut ties with others. All in all, the biggest thing I've seen is my how much my confidence has increased in the last few months. 

In the middle of this last year, I got diagnosed with high anxiety and acute depression. I was scared to death. That's stuff that I study, I know it can be a lifetime thing, or can last as short as a few days. Though I still suffer from both, my episodes are few and far between. I went from never wanting to get out of bed, to enjoying being around people again. I've seen such a huge growth in myself in the last year, and I didn't realize that until tonight. 

I've taken back control of my life and have refocused on what my true goals are rather than basing them off of others' fears, wants and needs. 

I have a trip to Vegas starting to be planned, and am so excited to go back. 

My mom was gracious enough to let me stay in the house for this last year, while I got back on my feet, and when she brought up me moving, I freaked out because I felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't do it. But as I look around, I know I can. I'm back on my feet, and my mom sees that, and that's something for her and I to be proud of. She raised a very strong daughter and I'm so thankful that she did.
My parents and I have gotten closer over this last year as well. My mom and I have had our times but I stopped having the "running away" feeling and my dad and I talk every week rather than talking, fighting and not talking for months at a time.

So, for this Christmas, I would say that I'm thankful for all the stepping stones I've taken, all the wrong turns I've turned, all the signs that I missed and best yet... the fact that I've overcome most of them and have become who I am now. I couldn't have done it without any of you, and trust me, I'm thankful. 

Me this year (2014)

Now, I'm going to stop being sappy, finish baking my chocolate chip cookies for Santa and then go to bed.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Rather than concentrating on the negative, notice the positive, at least for today.
My mom always had me wiggle my pinky finger, and asked if that hurt.... since it never did naturally (unless I had previously sprained it) she would say "then it's going to be a good day" and the funny thing, it is just that easy. Choose to have a wonderful day today, consider it a Christmas gift to me, if you must.
Happy holidays. :)











 And the biggest change this year, I went from having one tattoo to two, plus got my butterfly colored in!!

Happy Thanksgiving

So this year I've been thankful for a lot, I've had a lot thrown my way so the biggest thing I'm thankful for is weirdly how much I got knocked down this last year. I've grown in myself and have realized how strong I truly am.
 I'm thankful that I have an amazing family and my awesome friends. I really don't know what I'd do without any of them.
 I'm thankful for my jobs, even though I know they kick my butt.
I'm thankful for my rather amazing boyfriend, he's made me smile and laugh more in the past month than I have in a while.
I'm thankful for my ex, he helped me realize what I really want in life.
I'm thankful for my mom and dad, they've put up with so much and yet are always there for me through thick and thin.
I'm very thankful, oddly enough, for my diagnosis of depression and anxiety, its reminded me to find happiness within myself rather than others and to find happiness in the smallest things possible.

With all the ups and downs in life, I sometimes forget to be thankful. I try my hardest to make sure people know I appreciate them and that I appreciate their help, but I'll admit first hand that it isn't always my top priority.
We need to be thankful all year round and not just on one day. I try every day to find at least one thing that I was thankful for that day, even if it was just that I got through it.

Whoa

I can't believe Zach and I have been together for a month, as of yesterday, already. Its strange to actually be happy with someone and not be straining myself for the attention.
He fits in so naturally in my life (both of my parents already love him, my dad invited him to play in church sometime and they played guitar together last weekend) and thought that scares me and makes me nervous... I'm not putting my walls up. As much as I want to. The few I've put up, he's torn them straight back down before the concrete could set.
He claims to be such a terrible person, but I just can't see it. We all have our dark sides and I know his is pretty dark, but maybe I've been around so many dark-spirited people where I can't see that same negative energy or light from Zach.
There are still times where I miss certain things in Gabe, but I have to remember that Gabe and I had been in each other's lives for six or seven years. Four or five before we were dating and two together.
Zach is a whole new person to get used to, and I'm a different person with him than I was with Gabe. Its a transition in my life and I need to accept that and work hard on it.
Gabe is and always will be a huge part of my life, though we aren't talking right now. But Zach is a new part of my life story and its a chapter I haven't read yet. I'm terrified but I'm happy.

Let me explain....

So, again, I've been MIA but it seems like this will explain a bit of why:

oh jeez, where to start... I guess from the beginning, best way to say it is to just come out with it, right? Well, Gabe and I broke up about three weeks ago now.
I expected to be totally torn and broken upon this happening, but I think mentally and emotionally Gabe and I broke up a long time ago. I feel like I've already gone through the break up feelings. If I were to be totally honest, I'd say I've felt like we broke up back in July. I was just so desperate to not lose him and to make it work that I did everything I could to make it last. Needless to say, it wasn't healthy for either of us.
But I'm okay.
The part that hurts is that he didn't even fight for me. The exact opposite actually. He started lies and rumors about me, and who knows how many people he spread them to, or even how long he has been doing it. I found out because my wonderful roommates filled me in.
I'm so thankful to have them and know that we all got each other's backs.
Its sad to say, but I'm happier without Gabe being around. I loved him with all of my heart, I truly did, but I'm not noticing the huge red flags that were screaming that we never would have lasted that dream "forever". And after all that he's done since we broke up, I'm wondering if he ever really, honestly and truly cared for me or if I as just convenient. It sucks to question that, but I am.
Since he's moved out, there's music playing in my house again and I'm able to breathe without feeling suffocated. I'm not sick as much and I'm not as reliant on my depression medications as I was.
I know it seems fast, but please remember how long Gabe and I have been distant: I have started seeing another guy, his name is Zach. He has really shown me how I deserve to be treated. He brings me flowers all the time and constantly tells me I'm pretty. He holds me tight and there's a look in his eyes that I never saw in Gabe's. I'm not moving too fast after two years with Gabe... I'm moving on with my life. Gabe helped me learn a lot, and I really needed that. But now, I need someone who lets me be me and helps me rather than tears me down.

I think I have that now in Zach, but I'm not jumping into anything. I will always love Gabe, and he has been a huge part of my life, but I guess it was just time to move on.

Things get interesting

Hey there,
sorry I've been kind of MIA on the personal level blogs and have only been posting school stuff. My life seems to like to explode.
I had a lot of drama happen between my friend, her family and things... I can't really talk about it yet, but I'll update when I can.
Then school drama started because of computer error so ya know, that majorly sucked. But luckily it all got worked out (hence all the awesome papers I've been updating with).
 So far I'm doing really well in my class, and I'm stoked to almost be done.
Work is the same, haha, not really. One of my coworkers started a whole bunch of rumors that corp. has to take seriously so now everyone is walking on egg shells and super stressed out. It has become rigid and cold at work, which sucks. All due to one immature child. Grrrr.... also my hours have been varying so much that I went and started to apply for a second job, and sounds like I might have one at Sears. Phew that should help.
As for me personally, my anxiety and depression is better though I still have hard days. I kind of figure it will continue to be like that, so I just breathe through it.



I'll update more later this week when I'm not about to fall asleep on my laptop.


Love to you all, and best wishes.

DUI paper for school

Driving Under The Influence

"It is said that we will always remember the smells, noises and sight of our first car crash. Lucky for me, I got knocked out during mine. Odd to say, "lucky me" when it comes to getting close to a concussion, I know. But I'm happy that I don't have the memory of the sound of the two cars hitting. Something I do remember is the police checking to see if I was under the influence of anything: drugs, alcohol or even simply tired.

Again, luckily I was not under the influence of anything nor was the lady at fault. Unlike me, there are a lot of people who are affected by the consequences of people driving under in the influence, whether it be them, or someone else. Back in 2012 355,322 people were affected by drunk driving, with 10,322 people of those being killed and 345,000 of them being injured. Each death and injury is just another person to us until they are our family, friends, classmates and coworkers - then it becomes real, too real.

The harsh reality comes in from the fact that a lot of these injured or deceased people are teens, with car crashes - in general - being the number one killer of teens in the United States, its hard to factor in the account of underage drinking. The statistic shows that around eight teens die every day in driving under the influence car crashes, whether they are the drivers or the victims. Back in 2005, 7420 teens died or got seriously injured in these crashes. (Teen)

To throw a few more numbers in, lets talk about an every day thing: on average every 53 minutes someone is killed in a drunk driving crash. What is hard to believe is that about one-third of these drunk driving problems come from repeat offenders. 50 to 75 percent of these repeat offenders are people who have even had their licenses revoked. So, the biggest question is how can we stop the drunk drivers from driving and risking not only their lives, their passengers' lives (if there are any) and also, every other person who is out and about that day. The only thing that has been proven to work is an ignition interlock.

An ignition interlock is a small device - picture your normal cellphone size - that is put into a car and is wired to the car's ignition system. The driver of the car must blow into the device, as if they were taking a breathalyzer test. If the driver has a measurable blood alcohol level in their system at that time, the car will not start. These devices have been seen to drop deaths from drunk driving by more than 30 percent in Oregon, Arizona, Louisiana and New Mexico. With only 25 states requiring these systems to be put into all offender's vehicles, I'm excited to see the percent in deaths go down as the number of states goes up. (Drunk)

I chose this topic because it hits home for me. Though I have never been part of a crash that involved any driver being under the influence, I have been affected by one. In 2011 I got a phone call that no one ever wants to get, my boyfriend had been in a car wreck. His car was found rolled over in a ditch. He was found a few feet away. His seat belt had snapped and he flew out of the windshield. He was dead. On the other side of the road was the truck that had hit his, the driver still inside, passed out, but still breathing. Once he was in the hospital, his tests came back positive for a blood alcohol level that was through the roof. It was because of this guy deciding he was okay to drive that I lost a person who was soon to be my fiance. No one wants to be in the position I was in, and I would never wish that heartbreaking phone call on anybody. But it is due to the empathy that I feel as to why I feel I am a key person for this cause. I know what its like to be on the other side of the phone.

I know that there are always arguments of people knowing their limits when it comes to if they are safe to drive after going out for a drink that quickly turned into two and then three and so on and so forth. I want to know, how. How do these people know that "oh, well I've had three vodka martinis but since I can still walk, I can drive". From my knowledge, there is no proven way to know without a breath test or knowing your alcohol level. The safest bet is to always have a designated driver or have money for a cab. Planning ahead when you know there is going to be alcohol is the one way to know that people are going to be safe.

But still, how do we know if we are "sober enough" to drive, well if you're asking the question, then chances are you're not. Yes, people can give themselves the walking a straight line test, but for some people it isn't that hard to simply put one foot in front of the other so the question will honestly never be solved. It is all personal judgment and the judgment of those around you. The harsh reality is that on average, a person has driven drunk eighty times before they are arrested the first time. Big number isn't it? But with knowing how many people are killed every hour due to people driving under the influence, the number seems to shrink. If that person was able to drive eighty times, then it seems obvious that they did it safely, right? I mean, they made it from point A to point B without drawing any attention to themselves, so they must not have been that drunk.

What is "that drunk" though. One beer? Two, three, four beers? Again, there is no way of telling since everyone handles alcohol differently. So it is on us to take responsibility for ourselves and everyone around us. Do you want to risk one of those eighty times after three beers, and that one time getting in a wreck where a person was killed. Imagine if it was your friend, or a teen driving the other car. Now that eighty seems like a smaller number, right?

Now think of that deceased person's family. What do they have? They just lost their child, sibling, cousin... their blood. Luckily there are organizations like MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving - that do offer support and services to victims and their families. MADD helps one person ever 8.6 minutes. That is one person who is a victim of a crash of someone under the influence whether it be drunk driving, underage drinking or drugged driving. Now that eighty might as well be one. It only takes one crash to destroy a group of people's lives. A car crash - not even just one from drunk driving - hurts not only those physically involved but the families, friends and other loved ones as well. Only one, not eighty.

I chose this topic because no matter how you swing it, there is no excuse for driving under the influence. There are always people to call, public transportation or simply choosing who will be the designated driver for the night so that way you know that you can do your best in making sure everyone gets home safe."  

Obedience paper for school

Obedience

" In the beginning, I thought that Stanley Milgram's  (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCVlI-_4GZQ) experiment was torture - just like I'm sure a lot of people assume, being shocked with high voltage would seem to kill a man in a seemingly heartless way. Then when I got to the point of the video where it mentioned that it was all in the person's mind and that they weren't actually being shocked, I was amazed how a person's brain can trigger them to think they were being shocked all because they were told as such. To have such an influence over someone to where they actually think that they are being shocked at such high voltages to where they think they are actually in pain.

It seems that the presence of an authority figure puts such a pressure on people that they either mess up because they are concentrating more on the authority rather than their task at hand. On the other side, there seem to be other people who perform better under a watchful eye, so it all depends on how the individual performs under stress. Either way, having that figure present seems to influence people to behave - in an obedience sense - better since they do know they are being watched and could get in trouble or in the video's case "shocked".

When I think of authority figures in every day life, four different people come into my mind: police, teachers, bosses and parents. What's funny is to each it seems that they have a different affect on people and obedience. Maybe because they're in different environments or maybe because each holds a different form of being an authority figure.

Police get both sides of the spectrum when it comes to how others obeying them. They get some people who obey and listen better when there is a cop around, maybe for fear of going to jail or getting a ticket or maybe out of sheer respect for someone with a badge. But of course, there are criminals. There are always those people who try to run, spit on or fight the police and then usually attempt to run. In general though, it seems that the majority of people do obey most laws and listen, as well as respect, police.

As for teachers, they also get both hands dealt to them. I'd almost put teachers and parents in the same boat when it comes to obedience in people towards authority figures. There's the kids who do well and seem to never get in trouble in school or at home, then there's the "rebellious" group who seems to always be in trouble and are frequent visitors to the principal or the term grounded.

I think bosses are really the only ones I see where they have an affect on obedience because it seems, especially in my town, people struggle so much to get a job that they wont do anything to risk losing that job once they get it. So, they do every task and obey every rule that their boss gives them. I am even guilty of this. People might still talk negatively behind their boss' back, but to their face they try to be on their best behavior.

In general, I feel that people think that being a person of authority means that they are higher on the totem pole and closer to being "top dog". I feel that a lot of people go against their own personal ethics because they think that this person has something to offer them. Whether it be getting out of a speeding ticket, getting an A on a test or getting a raise, it does come off that the authority always has something to offer."

Personality Theories paper for school

Personality Theories

"When looking at different theories and theorists, especially when it comes to human behavior you see different groups and studies that they are separated in by their study. The theorists that we are talking about is Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow. Freud and Jung are both psychoanalytic while Rogers and Maslow are both Humanistic.

Humanistic is a study that more concentrates on the value of human beings, both individually and collectively. Usually humanistic studies focus on critical thinking, evidence, established doctrine and faith. Psychoanalysis is when the psychiatrists helps a patient discover and confront the causes of their illness. This method of treating illnesses started with Sigmund Freud, well at least it was the most heard of and dominate from early in the twentieth century.

Sigmund Freud considered that the primary source of motivation, especially for males, is sexual impulses. These impulses are usually seen as being unconscious, and help direct an individual's thinking and behavior. Freud's view of sexual motivation became a hot topic since there are so many ways for a person to be sexually motivated. Either by intimacy or straight out physically. A man is more likely to clean the kitchen if his woman is willing to do something in return. Freud's theory was based of off instinct, emphasized off of interpersonal relations and self assertiveness.

Carl Jung disagrees on the emphasis that Freud puts on the role and importance of sex on a person's personality development. Jung thought that attention importance for motivation should be more focused on religious, aesthetic - their appearance - and other basic needs. Jung also started to include the different concepts and differences of people who are introverts, extroverts and archetypes. With this, Jung was the start of the modern day existentialism. Jung was more of the opinion that the cosmic order and history of the human race is the most important part of the human mind. He used dreams as his example. Jung's study contained archetypes, which are manifested symbols that appear in dreams, disturbed states of mind and are different products of different cultures.

Carl Rogers, said to be the father of client centered therapy. This means that Rogers likes to have nondirect sessions and reflect on the responses rather than making it vague. Making his sessions more focused on the individual client made him feel like there was a more atmosphere of acceptance for his clients. With this environment, Rogers felt that it allowed his clients to get more in touch with the resources and knowledge within himself (Rogers) for successfully dealing with life and his client's own development self esteem. Having that one on one time and feeling to the sessions gave the clients the ability to develop their individuality and learn more about themselves rather than just having their questions answered in a scientific based way.

Abraham Maslow, the popular hierarchy of needs. Maslow liked to focus on the individual and the thought of self actualization. Maslow thought that humans are basically good in nature and within themselves need to develop their own full potential all while staying true to themselves. Maslow's hierarchy of needs includes both physiological and psychological levels of a person's daily needs. The physiological were the more primary in his thinking and theory of his creation of the hierarchy of needs. These needs are a daily thing, rather than what a person should focus on for their life. A person should focus on accomplishing each tear of the popular ladder or triangle that is often used to show the hierarchy of needs. The pyramid has the largest, most fundamental level of needs at the bottom and the need for self actualization at the top.

The first tear is physiological, this is the basic human needs such as breathing, food, water, sleep, sex and exercise. The second tear is safety. The need of employment, feeling that your body is safe, having family, healthy, morality and a roof over your head. Middle tear is love and belonging. The basic human need of friendship, family and intimacy. Then goes esteem. Having self esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others and respect by others. The top tear is self actualization. This tear is often the hardest for people to accomplish. This is the human need of morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving and the acceptance of facts.

Though each of the above theorists contributed greatly to the study of personality traits. It is easy to see that each one is different from the other. Freud focuses on physical motivation, Jung believes more in the state of dreams, Rogers focuses on self worth and development of self esteem then Maslow focuses on individual needs on a day to day basis.

Personally, I agree more with Maslow's theory in that everyone is an individual and needs to focus more on their own individual needs versus focusing on the human race as a whole and putting them as groups and categories rather than individualizing them as people. Having something to aim towards day to day and over a life time is a very realistic motivation and though the hierarchy of needs is in a vague set up, each stage can mean something different to each individual. For example, safety to me means that I'm in no way shape or form going to be in a situation that my life or health is on the line. To others, it might simply mean having a roof over their head and money in their pockets. But in the hierarchy of needs, your just supposed to successfully feel safe. A vague theory can almost be the best because each person can take it on as they see fit and as it fits them, where having something just pin pointed, such as Freud's theory of sexual motivation, doesn't work for everyone because there are people who don't enjoy sex or even to be touched.

Either way, each theorist contributed greatly to the study of personality development and self individual growth and development. Each in their own way but still working with each other. Maslow's pyramid does include human sexual need from Freud, and self worth from Rogers. Though they are each different, they are each working together and including similar aspects of the study of personality and motivation in human beings as individuals and as a group."  

Prejudice paper for school

Prejudice

"Society and prejudicial attitudes seem to run hand in hand, though we usually hear it as people stereotyping or discriminating. It seems that a lot of people's opinions depend on where and how they grew up, as if their environment alters their feelings, thinking and behavior.

As an example, I grew up in very discriminative town especially towards racial differences. When there was the first black teacher at my high school. parents wouldn't even go up to talk to him and kids were dropping out of the class he took. Then when he came out as being bisexual, even more kids dropped and some parents had their children switch classes or schools. All of this because of what they had been taught, and now those kids are being taught the same thing.

For me, my personal identity is also how I grew up, but I saw how people around me were treating anyone who was different, so though I was taught that "different" was bad, I didn't like seeing the negative effect on the "victims". Just because someone is different doesn't make them less of a human. And that personal opinion has caused me to be different than how I grew up, I am very accepting of others. Though for personal identity in others, I see where it is a lot of how they are raised. If you are taught to fear or judge people who are different than yourself, then it is going to be hard to change that opinion.

Fear, negativity and looking for something to judge others off of. That is what is learned and taught generation to generation. These emotions and behaviors just keep the prejudicial attitudes going strong. It only takes one person in a large group to be an influence over everyone else. If one person yells a racial slur, then chances are others will start up and join as well.

It is hard to change something that you've learned or have lived with your entire life, but it is possible. To not fear and to be educated, each person is different and there is no point in treating others different than how you personally want to be treated."  

Case Study paper for school

Case Study

"Group think is when a person discourages creativity or individual responsibility by making decisions for the group. A few examples of it that are shown in our Appendix B is when Tom, Susie and Richard plan the paper into sections without Mark and Betty. To further on that one, the second example is that they already indicated what the different sections should include. Third example is that they also chose who should write each section. Then again when Mark and Betty bring up that the citations are required but the rest of the group turns them down.

A few things that I would have done is bring up that I'm a new insight to the paper and that I can do a lot more than what they had "assigned" me to do. As a group, though, it is important to remember that you're a team. Everyone needs to work together, and just because you might have worked with people previously doesn't mean that someone doesn't know that section better. Making plans as a team can really help. Also, in this case a reason why the team got a lower grade is because people weren't being listened to. If everyone had listened to Mark and Betty, they would have included the citations that were needed in each section, and they would have gotten a higher grade since that's the only reason they got a low grade.

If Mark and Betty had grouped together and listened to each other, they could have made their sections of the paper proper and the teacher would have been bound to notice that only two people followed the syllabus as it was supposed to be. Asserting yourself and following what you know can be the best way to go, even if it means going against the group's decision."  

Eating Disorders paper for school

Eating Disorders

"We all know that embarrassing and loud growl that our stomach makes when we're hungry, the one that gets louder the more we try to conceal it. Where does that come from? Well, obviously our stomach but why?

What causes hunger, other than the obvious thought of it being that we haven't eaten in awhile. Walter Cannon and A. L Washburn decided to do an experiment to find out exactly what causes hunger and what signals us to feel hunger. Washburn swallowed a balloon and Cannon was able to track the movements of his partners stomach. This showed that our hunger starts when our stomach is empty, so when the balloon was small in Washburn's stomach. But with this, they also found that there are many factors into hunger, the biggest one being the brain signals that tracks hunger and thirst. (Coon)

There are also external factors on our hunger. Seeing the McDonalds golden arches automatically make me want a large sweet tea and their salty fries. Having food be visible, plus easy to get makes it even easier to follow our cravings from our taste buds versus eating or drinking what our body needs. Then there is the fact that a lot of people are emotional eaters, me being one.

Emotional eating can be a good thing and a bade thing. It can cause different eating disorders to form, such as anorexia and obesity which are on two opposite sides of the spectrum. Its really hard in society on both males and females having these skinny and fit celebrities everywhere we look. We want to look like that. This can causes a lot of people to become anorexic due to not liking their own bodies. On the other side, some people eat their emotions, and find comfort in a snack when they are feeling stressed.

Our bodies are ours, and ours to take care of. With this, I'm not sure if it is extrinsic motivation or intrinsic motivation that eating disorders fall into since I could see how it is both. It could be extrinsic because the goal is to look like a supermodel but it could be intrinsic because its gets your own body to what you want.

Either way, the same goes for having a healthy diet. Its a choice and its better on our bodies if we take care of them. Our goals are to be healthy, and have the muscle tone and that isn't going to be accomplished by forming an eating disorder, no matter what the goal is."  

Careers in Psychology paper for school

Careers in Psychology

"For me personally, child and adolescent psychology, a family therapist or a sports psychologist. I love each of these fields for different reasons. I am interested in child or family psychology because I came from what people would call a "broken" family, I've seen abuse and I've lived moving house to house and I know how that can affect kids and everyone in the family. If I could help someone get through what I've been through, that would be a dream come true. Then sports psychology comes in because through all that I went through, one thing helped me express how I was feeling and gave me a place to release what I was holding on to: dance class. I love dance and would love to help others by getting them into an activity, such as dance, so that they can have an outlet and a place they can be free without fear or stress.

For my ultimate dream job, it would be the sports psychology which is also referred to as performance psychology. This is the person that helps individual players and teams realize their potential and helps them get through frustrating times. I would more used it as a relaxation exercise and as visualization techniques for people, rather than just athletes. As I said, sometimes the best therapy is having somewhere to go without judgment to be able to just release all stress and emotion.

Most performance psychology careers require a masters or doctoral degree in clinical, counseling or sport psychology. It is even more impressive if the individual specialized in applied sport psychology, clinical sport psychology, and academic sport psychology.

With children and adolescent, I would lean towards developmental psychology. This is the study of human growth and development over the individual's lifespan. This growth includes all physical, cognitive, social, intellectual, personality and emotional growth.

To work in a developmental psychology field it is often that a doctoral degree is needed. This is often accomplished by following the steps through undergraduate in psychology then getting masters followed by a doctoral.

As a different field, I would choose social psychology. This is the study of social influences, social perception and social interaction that has influenced the individual and the individual's behavior. For a social psychology career a person usually gets their bachelor's degree in general psychology or another psychology related field. It is then often that these people go towards their master's or doctoral, which can take up to five years for completion.

When looking at social psychology fields, it is often seen in teaching or research at a college. Social psychologists can be seen as consultants and help evaluate programs in education, conflict resolution and protection. There is also working in different clinical fields such as group psychology in hospitals to rehabilitate people to get ready to live in the "real world" again.

People with these backgrounds have seemingly unlimited options, whether it be my child psychology degree or sports psychology. With child psychology, developmental psychology and social psychology, there is clinical work in doctors offices and hospitals, schools or other psychology offices (or even forming your own office). With sports psychology, they are usually around athletes, so this would be more looking at working in a university or for a professional team. When looking from my stand point though, I would be more wanting to form my own office and use sports psychology as a physical outlet.

I got into psychology as my study because I've always had a want to help others, especially children and teens. I have more of a focus on younger adults and children because I know, for myself, that I felt I wasn't listened to or that my opinion didn't matter. That was really hard and I would have given anything for someone to look at me and ask if I was okay, because after watching my mom get abused and my dad get abused, of course I was far from being okay. Though, I had no one to express this to since I knew my parents didn't want me to know what was going on, even though I did. Holding that up in myself was the hardest part because I felt like there was a huge weight and a huge secret on my shoulders. With this, I want to be that person, the person a child or teen can come to and let all their fears out and tell me what is going on from their perspective. To have that one person can change an entire individual's life, and I want to be that person."

Problem Solving paper for school

Problem Solving

"The main strategy that I used was trial and error in being able to get all the animals to the other side of the river. With using this, it made it really difficult and I had to keep track of everything that I had previously tried. I honestly didn't try another strategy in this problem solving situation since trial and error seemed like the best strategy. I chose this strategy because using trial and error means that there is room for mistake and redo along many different steps, the difficult part comes into remembering the steps until you figure it out.

With trial and error, you of course run in to a few different obstacles such as repeating mistakes or losing track of what worked. I ran into both of these. I would get far enough to having each animal on the opposite side of the river, but then I'd forget what steps had gotten me as close as I was before I got stuck. I also found myself taking steps that I had previously taken which I found didn't work.

This problem solving simulation only took me one try since I had previously done this exact one. The first time I tried to solve this problem though, it took me around seven to ten tries."