Psychology final: a look at me and my personality development over the last 5 years

With a five year time line, I'm staring at my Junior year in high school. Over those few five years I have seen myself grow more than I thought I ever would or could. If you had asked me five years ago where I thought I would be as a person, I probably couldn't have even imagined being who I am today. I used to be a people pleaser, a person who dropped everything I wanted to do to make others happy and a person known to hide behind her writing journals. From that I have become a stronger, more confident and outgoing female. Though, I didn't have much of a choice in the outgoing part of that.
After high school, I moved away from my small hometown in Oregon that I had been in for eighteen years, and decided that my destination was Las Vegas, Nevada. I decided on this location because of college. I was a dance major at University of Nevada, Las Vegas. With being miles upon miles away from anyone I knew, I didn't have much of an option of becoming more outgoing: either be a hermit or get to know people. The latter of the two sounded more fun. By the time I left Las Vegas, I had more friends then I knew.

I ended up leaving UNLV five months after starting due to an injury, this is where I learned how strong of a person I am. With being a dance major, an injury takes you out of the running so I had to quit college and move back to Oregon. Before my injury, though, I had to deal with very harsh teachers. They were constantly tearing me down and telling me that I couldn't dance, then after my injury I heard that they thought I probably did it on purpose. It was really heart breaking and tore me apart emotionally. Once I got back to Oregon and got back on my feet, I started dancing again and ended up landing a few dance positions in shows and even some dance jobs for teaching. This not only built up my confidence, but made me realize how strong I really am because I didn't give up on what I wanted to do, and I didn't let others of higher authority keep me down.

I feel like a lot of things helped develop my personality. Where I grew up is a very sheltered place. Usually if you grow up here, you don't leave because it just becomes this comfort zone. This culture that I grew up in, is a very racist and judgmental culture, and I know that altered my personality because I saw how much these assumptions hurt others. I didn't want to do that. So I opened my heart and my mind, I try to take each person for who they are rather than judge them by skin, age, sex or sexual orientation.

My family showed me right from wrong, plus coping skills. With my family, religion is very much tied. My godmother is a huge part of my life since she is also my grandmother. She has helped me learn right from wrong according to the Bible, but I had a hard learning and growing experience when I told her that I wasn't going to be baptized Catholic like her. I think experiences, whether mine or ones I've witnessed, have been what affected my personality development the most.

Though I have a lot of negative moments in my life that have probably altered my trust in people or made me skeptical at times, I can't say that I would change any of them. Even the negative “episodes of life”, make me who I am and I'm proud of who I am. I am stronger than I thought I ever could be, more confident than I have ever been and happier with myself than I think a lot of people my age are with themselves. I've lost loved ones, lost friends, been in a major car accident that altered me a lot, moved multiple times and seen love destroyed, but all of it has added and mixed together to make me, me. I wouldn't want to change that for anything, and I have no want to change any of it either.

Motivations and motivation theories

The theories of motivation are instinct, incentive, drive, arousal and humanistic. Each theory is based on different personalities. A person can be driven by their motivation or even lack there of. For me, I am driven by my humanistic motivation the most. This motivation is also seen as Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This means that my motivation lays in basic needs to the need to fulfill my personal potential. Knowing that I did my best or better, is enough to drive and motivate me to do whatever it is I need to do.

Other than humanistic motivation, I think the other one I agree with most is the theory brought by Henry Murray. His theory also deals with human needs, but more in response to other things like past experiences and interaction. Being driven by individual needs is a very common motivation. Motivation to drive careful to avoid harm, and motivation to find a significant other for affection and sex. I think that most people see them as life goals and expectations rather than motivations. It has become common that people feel the need to get married, because “everyone is doing it”, but really its an instinct and, in a sense, a way of survival.

Out of the motivations, I can't seem to bring myself to fully believe in the intimacy motivation. Though I know people want and almost crave warmth and love, I wouldn't see how this would motivate people in any way other than to jump into a relationship. The want for a relationship can motivate people to do certain things like clean themselves up so they look more presentable and attractive to the opposite sex, but I do not think that intimacy is a drive for people do actually better their lives.
Though different theories can affect different people in different ways and each motivation can deal with certain aspect of life, but I think I stand strongly next to the motivations that deal with life, rather than just aspects of life. 

I know this isn't really about life, but I've been feeling unmotivated lately, and last week's class work was on motivation. So writing this really helped me realize what I need to focus on. 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I start into my new classes. I'm a little nervous, but my goal is to stay ahead in this class so that I am confident that I'm doing well.
I was tempted to ask my adviser to push back my start date a week, but then I started to realize that I will be getting my associates degree within the next year... why would I want to push that back further?! Crazy girl.

This last week has been a stressful one. I've been looking for jobs and going to interviews like a crazy person. Scheduling multiple within one day and only have a few minutes in between for drive time.
Gabe and I have also been tense this week because I think we're both realizing the need for more. He constantly wants my attention and I want his, but neither of us can abide by that due to that silly thing called

LIFE.

But hey, just like usual, we'll work it out. (Speaking of Gabe and I, be sure to check out my blog posted last month: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/2013/08/365-days-worth-of-roller-coaster.html)
Last night, as my last big hoo-haw of stressless hoo-hawing I went out to the bar with my mom and it was really needed. It was at that time that I realized what it was that I was missing in my life: interaction. The only people I really see or talk to is my parents, Gabe and my best friend, Hannah. I need more than that so that's going to be what I work on: getting out there more and being social. Just because I'm an online student doesn't mean I can't have a life outside of my house. In fact, it means quite the opposite. So we'll see what happens.
I'm excited for my next round of classes, but super nervous at the same time.
One is a Psychology class ("I think therefore I am"), with a title like that, would wouldn't be nervous?! And then the other is a nutrition class. I'm scared for this one because I've grown up in a dancer's world so my view on nutrition is skewed and often times unhealthy. Hopefully I do well in this class and can let go of my 18 years of dance nutrition habits just enough to learn from this class.


Let each day be a new day, everyone. Don't carry things over. I know it is hard, but just because one day is bad, doesn't mean the rest will be. YOU have the power to change it, I promise. 
Have a good week, and enjoy the dreaded Monday.
This little blogger is sick in bed, fighting off the flu (of which I'm refusing to catch by downing Emergen-C and drinking so many liquids I'm surprised tea isn't coming out my eyes and nose), so my Monday will probably include me in bed watching Netflix and working on school work.

I needed this

So, I've been having a really difficult time right now. I've been under a lot of stress with finals and just well... *sigh* everything! So I ended up getting perfect scores on both of my finals which was really helpful in boosting my self esteem and motivation in school, but I still didn't feel like I was really getting anywhere, then today I logged on and saw this. I'm almost done with my first college degree and that's really encouraging to me.
I've been having a hard time because my friends are graduating after this school year and I'm not (I'll probably have my associates finished and be moving on to 2 more years for my bachelors) and that's been tearing me down a bit. It's made me wish that I hadn't gotten injured 3 years ago because then I wouldn't be "behind". I know I'm not "behind", but it sure feels like it. I've been hard on myself for a few weeks about it now and it's been tearing me apart.
That mixed with all the other stress in my life has made me really melancholy and kind of discouraged from everything. I haven't gotten to have fun, laugh and smile in awhile. But seeing an end to this chapter in my life, of working on my associates, is almost done. I can't wait.

Sometimes I dream too big... sometimes... just sometimes.
I get lost in the connection between real and wanted. I lose thoughts and time concentrating on what is just beyond my grasp. But sometimes, just sometimes.
On a day to day basis, I'm a dreamer and a fighter. I know what I want, and I can promise you that I will get it. But sometimes.... just sometimes, my path changes on how I'm going to get there.
I'm independent to a tee but love to have the knowledge that someone is there willing to help. Because sometimes, just sometimes I will need it.
I admit my faults, my fears and my lies but sometimes, just sometimes I wish someone saw through it all and saw that all I am in a girl waiting to have the world know who I am.
I'm a supporting shoulder and an open heart to many, a spoken truth for more and a devious mastermind to few. But sometimes, just sometimes....
I want to be me.
But who am I? With so many faces and so many stereotypes that were thrust upon me.

AAAAHHHH Just a quick once over thing

So two of my blogs got sponsored thanks to all you lovely people.
This blog here has now gotten sponsored, and my relationship blog has too!
Go subscribe to it, if you haven't already: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/



Thank you all so much for believing in me.

Too tired

(Written at 12pm)
      I feel like there is no winning... and I'm tired of trying to fight. People wondered why I was such a "door mat" back in school and its a simple answer: why fight when there's no point.
      I hardly ever get listened to... its always an argument. Sometimes I just want to explain myself or voice an idea or opinion without getting ripped to shreds. Very few people let me do that. None of which I'm related to, one of which gets paid to.
      Its hard to have the will to fight but get knocked down before I even stand up. I get told to "grow up" and to be "independent" but every time I attempt to show that those are two things that I already am, I'm not good enough.

(Written at 4pm)

      Under watchful eyes I wilt and wither. Craving for sunlight and oxygen.

Room to grow.

But under these shelters and wings, I'm stifled and suffocated. But told to blossom without the rays of sun for encouragement. 

"Be free"

I hear as I get held back.
"Stand up for yourself"

they say while stomping me to the ground.

Under watchful eyes I wilt and wither. Waiting for someone to believe in me enough to pick me and take me some place new.
Under these shelters and wings I'm stifled and suffocated, fighting my hardest to get a gasp of fresh air. I try to grow but get pushed down.

This isn't me.

I'm a flower under a tree, shading my beauty from the world... only getting sunlight when the time is convenient... only get a few drops of rain that are left from the storm.
My roots are planted but by nature, not choice.
I'm a flower, waiting to get saved... moved to new soil. But no one sees me behind this tree that's shading me, keeping me from growing...

stifling

suffocating

wilting 

withering.

Trying my hardest to stand tall till my nest turn in the sun. Trying to keep up hope but its fading in this shade. I just need someone to believe in me, some words of encouragement that I wont be stuck in this shade forever.

But I'm scared...

because,

Winter is on its way. 

Haven't posted one of my school essays in a bit

I know essays aren't all that exciting, but when I'm kind of proud of them, I like to share them and I haven't shared any essays since I was back in Vegas... since this blog is about my school work I figured that even though this isn't my best essay, I wanted to share it because I'm studying a really interesting topic.

"Relationships

The three dimensions of love are passion, intimacy and commitment. Passion would more relate to a strong emotion, physiological arousal and is used a lot when referring to sexual desire and/or attraction. Intimacy is more concerned with affection and concern for a significant others' well being. Commitment is the choice between two individuals that they are fully dedicated to the relationship through thick and thin.
According to Sternberg's Triangular Theory of Love, each of these dimensions work together to form different levels of love. Passion and commitment would be fatuous love and only passion would make for an infatuated love. Infatuated love would be more like the love that is felt between “friends with benefits” because there isn't any intimacy or commitment to the relationship, but there is a lot of passion. Where as fatuous love would be a lot like a first “puppy love” experience in high school.
If a relationship only has commitment, it is considered an empty love. These types of loves are the ones that are often seen as “dead” relationships.

If all three dimensions are put into one, it is consummate love (or complete love). This is the most desired form of love but also the hardest to sustain. I see this love as being the kind that people envy from movies. Where it is enough just to be in the same room as the person an individual is “madly in love with” and their entire day is better. Sternberg's theory as to why this love is hard to sustain is simply because it is possible that any of the dimensions can decrease over time. People can “fall out of love” with each other. Though it is still possible to keep consummate love in tact, it is proven by the couples that we see celebrating their 40^th, 50^th, 60^th (etc) wedding anniversary together. I feel it would just take a true commitment for consummate love to pan out, because with that commitment of “death do us part” comes a sense of honesty, trust and loyalty. That no matter what life throws at the couple, or the individuals involved, that they will overcome each obstacle hand in hand. That they will be honest with each other and fight till they reach an understanding.

I feel that people's attachment styles affect the types of love relationships because of how people mesh and work together. If you put an overly attached girl with a guy who likes his “me” or “guy” time, obviously that isn't going to work well. If an individual is looking for the life long love that is said to come with consummate love, and they are attracted to someone who only wants infatuated love, again it is rather obvious that it isn't going to work out, would probably get classified as empty love and will probably end rather quick. With one person wanting only passion and the other wanting commitment along with passion, the two individuals wont be on the same playing field or see eye to eye on things since they want and expect two different things from the relationship.

I also feel that attachment styles can be altered by life experiences. If a girl has grown up with a single mom but has seen guys come and go, I could see where her trusting a guy to stick around with her and fully commit to a relationship would be really scary and she wouldn't trust it. This would make it difficult to really commit to a relationship because the trust is not there or being shown. Same goes for a guy, if he has seen women come and go or has been taught to see women in a negative light, a relationship probably isn't as appealing. On the other hand, if an individual (guy or girl) grew up in a very loving home where love was shown and seen, then chances are, the individual might want that in their own life and seek that later on when they are ready.

In order for two people to be able to work together, there needs to be a common base with how they feel. I think a love can start as fatuous love and grow into consummate love with time and getting to know the individuals that are involved. Growing in love, I think, is a healthy stand point. The best relationships I have seen between two people didn't just magically happen like what is seen in movies. They first started as friends, built a strong foundation and then grew and worked from there.

As it says in our text, “an ideal lover was rated high on all three components; friendship was rated high on intimacy and commitment, but low on passion; and a sibling relationship scored high on commitment, but low on intimacy and passion.” I feel that this shows what I had said that if people want different things, that they simply wont mesh together to make a strong relationship or love.

As a personal example, in high school, I thought I was madly in love with my best friend so one day I told him that I really liked him. He told me that he saw me more as a sister. If we had tried dating under those pretenses and knowing that we didn't feel the same, it would not have been fair to us and it would have been an empty love with no emotion. I would have strained myself and worked really hard to get him to feel the same, and his emotions towards me probably wouldn't have changed. Whereas, if we both felt that “puppy love” spark, there would have been a reason to at least try for a small relationship because we would have had a common base to work off of rather than just one person being into the relationship.

In order to have that “death do us part” love, there needs to be an even playing field and the two individuals seeing eye to eye. Willing to commit and work with each other and tying in the characteristics of intimate relationships that were brought up by Miller, Perlman and Brehm. I feel like the six characteristics (knowledge, trust, caring, interdependence, mutuality and commitment) are the perfect things to have as the foundation of consummate love.
In my opinion, to truly and fully love another- you have to understand each other, trust each other that they wont get hurt, care for each other, let their lives become one and have the intent to stay together through every obstacle big or small. With tying these into Sternberg's theory, it makes consummate love seem a little more real rather than something that we will always just see in movies."

 

Week one done

Week one is done of school. Gah, as much as I hate the school system, I'm so happy to be back in school. It helps me feel like I am constantly moving forward.
This week in one of my classes, we were talking about diversity and how people are different and get judged. It made me really sad because I've always grown up with judgment.
I was compared to my sister, to my friends... but I am not them. I am me.
It wasn't until I went of to Las Vegas that I felt like I could finally be myself because no one knew me. It was awesome. And now that I'm back in my small hometown, I feel like everyone expects so much of me again. I'm not them, I am me.

)

Anyway, with feeling like I'm moving forward in my life again, I feel a little less antsy. I still want to go to the lake or the beach or just have a get away, but I know it will happen when the time is right. I'm thinking of taking the little girl I take care of on a hike this week since I work all week, if not, I'm planning on going to the lake this coming weekend since I don't have a show or anything of the sort.
I don't know why I'm really typing, I don't have much to say, but I feel like I have a lot to talk about. I should be sleeping since I have to wake up in about 6.5 hours....


guess I'll try.


Good night everyone...
and if nothing else from this blog post speaks to you, please remember:
Be yourself. No one is cooler, prettier, nicer, funnier, or stronger than you. You are in control and you can power through anything that is handed to you. Just, be patient.




(Also, I posted in my other blog, so here's the link: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/2013/07/spinning-counterclockwise.html)

It's only 1:33pm and it's already been a day.

It's 1:33 in the afternoon and it has already been a day.
I woke up feeling sick, I don't know if it is from allergies, lack of sleep or from arguing/fighting all day with Jackie yesterday.
Either way, I feel like just laying around all day and watching Netflix.
With this, I have been on my computer and I ended up logging into my school and finding out that I'm back enrolled in school!
Whoo! Finally some good news. Phew.
I'm rather excited but also really nervous. Guess that's what I'll be working on all day and what not. I'm nervous because I am already under so much stress with work, lack there of, Jackie and with Gabe, I don't know if adding this extra stressor will be smart.
Wish me luck.

I don't even know what is going on

Hey all,
so honestly, I don't even know what is happening anymore. I'm trying to look on the bright side of all of this stuff that is happening but for some reason I can't seem to.
I found out last night that my dad got laid off from his job, this scares me because well its my dad, but also because he was helping me with my rent and my school tuition. Now I don't know what is going to happen.
I need another job.... I really want one online so that I can try to stick with everything I already have going on, but I don't know where to look or where to start.
I feel trapped and like I'm lost.

I feel so alone.

I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and that no one can hear me.

My life...

So last night was my first time being back into performing. Oh me oh my, have I missed it!
Last night went AMAZING!
My dances were great, the audience was amazing, all my fellow performers also did great!
I missed the heat of the lights, the sound of people cheering and the anxiety!

Best part of it all....

my boyfriend was there!

I was stoked!
My next performance is in two weeks.
I get this week off of work and I'm am super excited because I need to catch up on some sleep and work on school nonsense.

I've decided to just drop worrying about the roommate thing, it's in God's hands (sorry if that offends anyone) and He will take care of it. :)


I deserve to be happy, and I am in control of that.
I choose to be happy.

Well, this sucks.

I don't even know whats going on but I have having a really hard time today.
I had a good day but then it became night and now I'm nothing but tears. I feel terrible and that I bring everything on myself. My psychologist says I'm very much stuck in the "why me" stage of my thinking due to the traumatizing things that have happened to me for the past few years. I guess tonight it all became just so real.
I really do blame myself for so much. My "why me" isn't towards others, God or any higher being... it's towards myself. I constantly ask why I put myself in these situations, why I let so many negative things happen before I finally stand up for myself.
Tonight is the night before my dance performance, and I don't even get to see my boyfriend because I didn't check to see if the door was unlocked. I didn't check so then I don't get to see my boyfriend on the night that I feel like shit.



I just don't know what to do anymore.

What even?

I honestly can't tell you, readers, what is even going on right now.
My roommate/"best" friend and I are in a tiff because she has been lying to me and is now (all of a sudden) moving out and in with her boyfriend of four months.
I am working as a nanny again, and it makes me miss the kids I took care of in Eugene. I am also working as a dancer (I know, dream come true!) at the Imperial Event Center with the Rogue Cap. Its really fun and I really feel like its already a huge family although none of us really know each other. I need it.


In good news: I am back in touch with a person who has meant the world to me since I adopted her as my "little sister", which was back in 2009. I am so happy to have B back in my life. I missed her so much. It is amazing how people come and go, but things don't change.

As for school: I passed both of my last classes with B's. I am super excited because I thought I was going to fail my psychology course. Which would have MAJORLY sucked since Psychology is my minor.

I am dancing again, and though I still go to SO many crazy appointments for the healing process due to my car crash back in Feb, it is truly nice to be dancing again and smiling as much again.









I did write in the relationship blog that I have as well, you can check it out at: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

I don't know what to do...

I don't know if I am doing the right thing by quitting my job, but I can't take the abuse anymore. Constantly hearing how the store is sinking, that we aren't making enough sales... I want to work somewhere HAPPY. I am scared with this being my last week. I love working in sales, but the boss here is just simply rude. I feel like I'm at a cross roads and a rut. I want to go back to Vegas... I miss how I felt there and I miss my friends. But I don't know if I am ready to move again. I'm tired of living the same day over and over... it drives me crazy, I want to feel like my life is going somewhere, like I'm moving forward.
Honestly, I wish I could work online then I'd have time for my dancing. I don't know where to look for an online job though.
I need to take a trip to the coast for a few nights, clear my head.


I don't know what to do.

Second chances

Second chances. Easy two words but how many people do you give them to? How many people deserve them?
I used to give chances: second, third, fourth, twelfth, twenty third... oh so many chances. Almost like I never learned. Oh, but I did. I just wonder why I rarely got as many chances as I've given.
I know people give me chances all the time but how much did I miss out on due to not getting another chance? Would I be back together with Steven rather than being in love with Gabe? Would I still be in Vegas? Would I still be friends with Adam?
The trouble is the fact that there is no way to know.

I'm happy with my life. I love everything that I have going on and am so thankful... I just can't help but wonder.



(Don't forget to check out my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/
for a little more personal things )

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I love my mom so much and though every year I try to say exactly how much, I always end up coming back to the same quote by Washington Irving:
"A mother is the truest friend we have when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
My mom has seen me through so much that I can't even try to explain. We have had our hard times and the times where we were inseparable. We have had so many crazy adventures (camping, beach, Canada and soon to be to the Country Music Festival), she has gone on many school trips and has always been such a huge influence in my life.
I can honestly say that my mom is my biggest hero and probably my biggest fan. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I wanted and pushed me to better myself, whether this be with my dancing, acting singing or just being silly. When I announced that I was going to UNLV last minute, it was my mom that helped me pack my car and get down there with no days to spare. It was my mom who helped me move to Eugene. She was the first person I told when I decided I wanted to pursue a Psychology degree with emphasis on adolescents and Dance Therapy, and on top of that pursue it online (of which I had previous had difficulty with) and she was behind me 110% as always. She was the one person who I didn't have to convince that I can do what I am doing, she has always believed in me and encouraged me no matter how many times I had previously failed.
My mom is the strongest person I know and I love her so much for putting up with me through all these years.
I love you, mom. Happy Mother's day.

Warning: incredibly sappy update:

Warning: incredibly sappy update:
Okay, so I will finally admit that I've been having a bit of a hard time lately (especially last week). I was expecting this hard time to last a little bit, and I didn't know why. I was upset because things feel like they are at a stand still and I've been getting so easily stressed out. I'm still sad that I don't see my Molly car every day, even though I love my Allie girl. I'm mad that I don't hear from insurance and I'm getting so tired of doctors. I wanted to whine and complain and just be miserable. I was ready to curl up in my bed and just be done.
But after this last week, I can honestly say that I have the most amazing people in my life. My roommate has gone above and beyond with getting us coffee, food and bringing me smoothies to work to keep me going through the day and Monday we went Thrift shopping (what what?) and just had an insane day. Tuesday I got to talk to my dad and it was actually good. We're working on our relationship again, 'cause I miss being daddy's girl and he misses me too. I got to see my "sister" out in Ashland and though it wasn't for very long, I always feel better after talking to her.
Of course there's always my amazing mother who even though I fight with her constantly, I know she is always behind me to support me. She's made me feel better with little notes and coming into my room in the morning to say bye and that she hopes I have a good day. I'm excited to spend tomorrow with her. and then there's Gabe. Lol. I don't need to get sappy over that one. :p He just keeps me smiling and listens to my freak outs.
I think I feel sappy today because it's been 3 months since my car accident and its finally getting easier to talk about when I need to. So much could have gone on with that accident and it didn't. I was bitter for the longest time, lost confidence and stopped trusting people. But I'm starting to wonder why that's what I jumped to. Instead I should have been seeing the good side. Yes, I lost my best friend (Molly car), but my friends are alive, another amazing friend rushed to the scene to take care of us and some strangers were there to help as well. My parents rushed to come to my aid with my dog (that had to be the LONGEST car trip ever) and then when I got home, my boyfriend brought me beer and chocolate and stayed the night just to make sure I was okay. The next day Jackie came over with coffee and food. And every one made sure that I knew that if I needed anything while my mom was at work that all I had to do was ask. There are so many people who love and adore me, and that is more evident now than ever before. Then of course Tom jumped into action and helped find me a new car. With the approval from Justin (mechanic), I found my new girl Miss Allie M. I couldn't be more grateful to Tom for driving around with me like a crazy person from one car to the next until I knew I found "my car".
I know, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. And most of all, I wanted to play the pity game, but honestly, where would that have gotten me? I was injured. I was hurt. And I lost my Molly girl.
My car was more than a car to me. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. She was my best friend. She knew all of my problems, had heard me scream many times and went on all of my adventures. She was my baby girl, my best friend. She was the biggest brat I knew and had the biggest personality I had ever known. I had gotten her when I was about 14 because she was my grandma's car and my grandma had passed away. There were so many connections to my Molly girl that it really hurt to see her go.... especially because I knew it was the last time I would see her and she was being taken away from me. :'(
I wanted to just scream at the lady who caused the accident. I wanted to so bad. She had taken so much from me and I didn't even know it yet.





My psychologist is guessing that I blacked out during the accident since I don't remember anything other than waking up and hearing screams. He says it could have been the odor from the air bags that woke me up.
Either way... I could have been so much worse, as could have my friends. But Molly was a tank and God was for sure watching over us that day.


I guess this is the time where I finally came to accept that. As angry as I still am, there so much to be thankful for.

I understand more...

I feel like since my first meeting with my psychologist since my accident, knowing exactly how I am feeling, plus having to admit it to myself has already helped a little.
Admitting that I've lost trust in people plus confidence in myself has really opened my eyes. I'm starting to realize when I'm being irrational and who really is there to help and just be there for me with no other motive.
Like Gabe, my wonderfully amazing boyfriend. I feel terrible. He's taken the most blows (like in the last post from the third... oops) and still finds it in his heart to forgive me and kiss me goodnight. He changed his mind and said he'll go to my psychologist with me if I ever get a phone call. I honestly can't express how grateful I am to him and for him. I truly do love him with all of my heart and I really hope he knows that.
My dad has also been crazily supportive lately. He likes that I'm working in sales and he's been more supportive about my schooling as well. It's nice to have him backing my up again. I forgot how strong I feel when I know my dad is behind me.
I know Hannah, Manda and Jackie are all here to help me as well. It was nice talking to Hannah the other day about a lot of stuff I can't talk to a majority of people about. I miss my Manda but it makes me so happy and proud when I see everything on Facebook. She's happy and that is AMAZING and all I could ever want for her.
Jackie and I have having a lot of ups and downs lately so that sucks, but it happens.
I do miss having Mat and Zack in my life as my big brothers, but I am happier without them, to be honest. Less pressure to be someone who I am not or to please people who never give but always take.
I wish I was closer with my mom and my sister, but I've thought that most of my life. I'm different than them so its hard to connect or understand each other. I get it and I don't blame them. I just wish it didn't seem like there are regrets.
My doctors have all been patient with me as well, which is good.

As for school.... I'm finding it hard to continue. I am on week seven of my classes and am having a hard time pulling it together. I get stressed out easily and just feel unmotivated. I want my degree but my teachers right now suck and I haven't heard from any of my advisors which doesn't help.
Work is a learning process and has complications but its income which is what I need.

Things WILL get better.

I will get better.

Miniature break down...oops

So, what do I do now? I went to see my psychologist today because I felt like it was finally time to get rid of the negative thoughts and nightmares that have joined me since my accident. At the end of the session, he asked if I could see if my boyfriend would come with me because he seems to be the best positive thing I have going on in my life.
I knew Gabe would say no to being there for when my psychologist talks to me about the decisions I have to make. But like I told him today, in one way or another, everyone leaves me out to hang and more often than not... its when I need them the most.
Hasn't that been true my entire life though? Mom being busy, dad being preoccupied with work and his bitchy girlfriends... my sister with school and friends. It left me to figure all this out on my own. Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Why aren't I used to feeling like I'm left to doing things on my own? Figuring everything out on my own.
I knew my boyfriend would say that he had to think about it, and that I would take it as a now. I based if off of the fact that my dad didn't go when I was young. Sad thing is that I was right. I didn't want to be right, but I knew I was going to be.
It sucks though because it makes me feel like he can't handle it. I mean, I held in all the tears that are being shed right now until after he left because I'm not confident that he can deal with the emotional side of all of this.
And that sucks because emotions are all that I am. I know that's my fault and what not. I mean according to everyone else, its all in my control.
There it is again. Being left to figure all this out on my own. If its so controllable, then please enlighten me on how you would handle emotions a thousand times stronger than average thanks to a disorder.
Let's exchange lives, bodies, minds and souls for a minute, K? Take a walk in my shoes and lets see how well you handle it. I'll place a hundred dollars on saying that you can't! That you aren't strong enough.




Sorry for all of this readers. I have an emotional disorder. I had learned enough about it to live with it and not let it control me, but since my accident it has gotten out of control again, hence why I am going back to my psychologist. It hurts because people tell me that its all in my head when it really isn't. and tonight having flashbacks of when my dad refused to go with me the first time I went to psychology, due to my boyfriend now pretty much saying no really threw me into a tail spin. I'll be better though. :)
Sorry for the mini break down.

Confidence is key

Hey all,
so I am doing a little better from my last post.
I have resorted to reading when I'm upset, and it has really helped. I like being able to disappear into my books.
I've been talking a lot to my psychologist through my school online, I'm doing this until I have the time to go to my actually psychologist, and she is really helping. She reminded me that the accident wasn't my fault and that everyone is okay and that everything will be okay. It's been nice hearing that and having her remind me of how loved I really am.
My boyfriend has also really been helping. He's been great at listening and being patient. He came over last night and just hung out. He was joking around and making me laugh because he knew that I have been really stressed lately.
I'm trying to just remain being who I am. Letting myself be exactly who I am rather than trying to act tough and okay, because I really haven't been. I've been needing to cry and to just have someone to talk to, but I wasn't admitting this because I felt like I needed to act like I was okay.
Another thing that helped is I did get to go ballroom a few weeks ago. I am excited to go this week too. I miss my dancing and especially my dance family.
As alone as I have felt, I'm starting to see everyone who is here to help me and be there for me. I don't know if it is just that I'm not quite ready, that I didn't see them or that it isn't exactly what I needed or wanted. But sometimes I don't know what it is that I need or want.
I'll figure it out.
Confidence is key.


After my last post I got so many messages that touched my heart. Thank you, all of you. You all help me more than what you even know.


Also, I'd like to mention that my prayers are with everyone affected by (family, and people who were there) the Boston Marathon tragedy that happened today. and R.I.P to those who passed due to the tragedy.

Also, my prayers to the 3 students who were shot today in Louisiana.

So much going on in the world, really makes me appreciate  what I have and reminds me to live everyday to its fullest because I don't know what's going to happen later.
Be safe.

Where I've been

Hey all,
sorry I haven't been posting.
I wish I could happily explain that I've been okay and that I have been out having the time of my life and that is why I fell of the face of Blogger. Sadly, this isn't the case.
I've lost myself, and with that I haven't known what to write. I feel like I'm stuck with no where to go.
Something I promised myself with moving back to my hometown was that I wouldn't forget. Forget the life experiences I had, forget how much I had grown, and the biggest was forget how to be confident.
Right now, I don't know who I am or where I am in my life. I want to be moving forward but I feel like there is a giant wall preventing that from happening. I feel like this wall is me not really knowing what I want anymore.
I miss having my friends who I could talk to about all of this. I miss my big brothers or my sisters... all of which were just my friends I claimed as family. I miss being able to talk to them and figure things out. I miss knowing that it was safe to talk about everything...
I miss feeling safe.

So, with this, I am finally cracking and going to talk to my psychologist about everything from the crash. Maybe getting that off my shoulders will help. Hopefully stop the nightmares at least.

I'm going to try to be posting every week. I miss you guys and your comments and messages. They really do help me feel like I'm not totally alone. I just wish I could talk to some of you in person... how cool and uplifting would that be?!

Hour long (sorry for the language)

Went on an hour long walk with my dog (most of which I carried him). Took 5,789 steps and burned 248 calories. Now my legs are randomly twitching and feel a little like jelly.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house. 
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour. Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of 1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over Molly)
I end up seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.

Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.



For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.

Just an update

Hey loves,
So I figured I should probably let everyone know that I am okay. I know that the car wreck thing was a huge surprise (trust me, it was to me too), but none the less, I'm okay. I'm battered and bruised, emotionally unstable and mentally scarred, but other than that "it's a jolly holiday".
I owe a lot of that to my wonderful friends and family, not to mention all the well wishes I got from all of you (and the readers of my other blogs). I am so blessed to have such a LARGE group of people who care about me and wish me the best. It's wonderful to know that we can all be there for each other when it is what is necessary.

So, anyway, I don't really know what to say. I want to try to get those of you who want to to subscribe to my "relationship blog". It's where I'm now posting about my relationship with my boyfriend plus my relationships with my friends. (as well as opinions on other love based things).
I got tired of bogging up this blog, that is meant to talk about my schooling and my life while conquering college with ooey gooey stuff about my love life.

So, the url to the other blog is: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

If you want to, check it out and maybe even subscribe.

R.I.P Molly

I was in a car wreck today in Eugene. Molly (my car) is totaled. Luckily, I and my passengers are fine (worst injury was my passenger broke her foot, so send healing thoughts her way). I have bruising across my nose, a few Burns on my fingers from my air bag and a fairly decent bruise on my shin. I'm just thankful everyone will be okay, and that we're all alive. I'll give up my car to know that my friends are still alive. As for now, I am home in Medford and resting. Thank you to everyone who helped, especially Kory, who jumped onto action like crazy. I love you all. And thank Molly for being the tank you were and saving all of us.

Saturday: February 9, 2013:

Today was my car wreck and I'm still shaken. I was driving south, in the left lane, down River Road. I got to Hanson road (it would have been on my right), and a lady who was in the middle turn lane turned directly in front of me. This would mean that she was turning left to go onto Hanson. I had no time to slam on my breaks or swerve. I lost my car. Molly is totaled. I'm in tears over the loss. I had Stefhani in the front seat passenger and Sophie behind her. Stef broke her foot and has a severe burn from her seat belt and Soph has some pretty dandy bruises. I was so hopped up on adreniline that nothing hurt on me, I was just angry, beyond angry... I'm down right pissed off. The other driver saw me, I know she did. Why did she do this to me, my friends and Molly?! Oh Molly...
It was sunny, the roads were dry and we were heading to off the waffle...

It wasn't until after the cops talked to me and Molly started getting towed that I finally cried, I loved my car. She as my baby girl, and part of my family. It was hard seeing her smoking and broken, unable to move and me being unable to help her. I just wanted to fix her, I wanted to go back in time and make it so the crash never happened. So that all of my friends were okay and I still have Molly.
Once I got to Kory's house, I realized how bad I really hurt. My knee was throbbing, my fingers got burns from the airbag and my nose and face were in the process of bruising. I couldn't wait till my parents were able to come get me. I wanted to be home.
Once they got there, we had to go get the rest of my stuff out of Molly, I saw her and burst into tears.

After we were down the road a little, and we stopped for gas, I was able to look at my knee. There was a pretty intense welt on it and it hurt so bad. I just wanted to be home. All throughout the day, I've been crying at random points, and I really hope that stops.

From my mom:

Thank you God for protecting Carly, Sophie and Stefhani.
Thank you "Molly Car" for giving your life to protect those within.
Thank you Kory for jumping into action and taking care of them until I could get there. (Even the chicken noodle soup!)
Thank you to the First Response Teams (Firemen, police officers and ambulance).
Thank you to the eye witness that took care of these girls and stayed to make the reports.
Thank you to the gentlemen that welcomed these girls and gave them everything they needed (coats, drinks, chairs....) from his yard during this time.
Thank you to the "Angel" lady that appeared and stayed with Carly all during this ordeal. She was so kind, compassionate and gentle.
Thank you to everyone for the love and prayers during this time.

R.I.P. Molly Car, I am forever grateful. (Thanks mom!)

Just a quick post

Ooooooh Sharis'. How is it that you can't ever leave there without stories?
Tonight Jackie and I got extra special treatment: chocolate syrup on top of our whip cream on our hot chocolates (even on our seconds), plus the manager came over to personally introduce himself.
Gabe joined, we all ate and found out that Jackie had a slight stalker. We also saw Hunter.
Then I apparently had a hand look like it poofed out of my head (the guy sitting in the booth behind me put his hand up I guess and it looked like it came out of my head), the manager than proceeded to flirt with me, a really drunk lady talked to us and as we were leaving a guy and a lady gave us the great idea to bring board games since we sit at Sharis' for so long. The lady suggested Farkle.
I swear, life is never boring.
Yeah, you read the middle of that correct. My boyfriend finally joined a thing of mine with a friend! I can't even explain how excited I was for him to be there.
To top that off, I thought he was just going to be awkward and not boyfriend-y at all and well, he was. He held my hand, joked around, kissed my cheek and kissed me goodbye. I needed that. I needed to see that there was progress.... especially since I'm surrounded by break ups lately and its starting to scare me.
Best quote of the night was between Jackie and I talking about an ex after Gabe left:
"Kory would kill Jake" - Jackie
"Jake? Jake from state farm?" - me
*we bust up laughing*
"I think you mean James" - me
"that just shows how much I don't care about him" - Jackie

Prayers are needed

I'm not going to lie, it has been an interesting/difficult last two days.
Yesterday I got an email from my boss saying that a few parents and a few of my students were doubting my ability to do my job. Worst part of this was the fact that I got the email just a few hours before I had to go to work! I somehow had to put a smile on my face and act as if nothing was wrong. How annoying and unfair. I have been dancing for 18 years, and someone wants to doubt my ability?! Rude!
Then today, I also had work and my boss stayed and watched which I wasn't expecting but oh well. It was a little intimidating but at least I had a plan of what we were doing that day. Her only complaint was that I don't tuck in my thumbs, what an easy fix. I'm still annoyed that the parents were talking like that, and even more so, they were talking like that in front of a few of my students.
To top that off, and the real thing about this posting is... I got a call from my dad today. My grandmother might have breast cancer. She goes in for surgery on Monday to find out for sure. They say that if it is, since they caught it early, they should be able to get rid of all of it. I'm scared. My grandmother is the only grandparent I have left alive, and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that is selfish on my part, but it is true. So good thoughts and prayers would be more than welcomed. Send them towards my Grandmother, I need her to have them more than me.
Thanks you guys. You all are truly amazing.

So here's the plan

Due to different things going on, I will still be posting on this blog about everything, but I am also starting a new blog about relationship stuff. It will talk about my relationship and I'll be giving advice to others. So if you wanna keep up on it, then I encourage you to subscribe to it or something.

No worries though, I will still be talking on here every week too. I am trying to post every Wednesday. So this blog wont change, I'll just have another one on my list (making my list four, goodness) and it will be more in depth about relationship stuffs.

Hope you stick with me here!


Have a great day.


(HERE'S THE LINK TO THE NEW BLOG:
http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

and here's the links to my others, just in case anyone is interested:
http://outfortheworld.blogspot.com/ This one is more about just random thoughts, songs and poems that I wrote.

http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/ This one is my 365. I will be starting my second round of it on Valentine's day of this year.)

On a brighter note: I will just simply say that I am not mature enough to be in college, let alone be a psychology minor.

I am not mature enough to be in college. The teacher asked what is a biological factor into sexual behavior in humans, I blushed. Then one of the people said "puberty" and I giggled. I'm not mature enough for this at all.

I know this is a simple post, but it is true. I couldn't stand it. I kept seeing the word "puberty" and just kepts tee-hee-ing. Ooooooooooooh dear, I'm in for it.

If I'm going to cut the ties, might as well sever the rope.

I don't even know what's happening anymore. I feel like my entire world is breaking, and there's nothing I can do about it because people expect me to just sit, watch and be there for them when it fails like I said it would from the beginning.
I've lost so many friends this year and I am just tired of all of this. I'm tired of the toxic things that are in my life. Its no wonder why I keep getting sick instead of better. How is anyone supposed to get better when they have all this stuff hanging over their head with no escape?
Now, even worse, its in my house.
I can't escape it and it is seriously giving me anxiety attacks and I feel angry and tense all the time. I can't live like this. NO ONE can live like this. I need to move. I need to be out on my own again. Life was difficult, yes, but it was better. I wasn't this stressed or this sick. I was better. I was able to be myself and not worry about everyone else.
I've cut my ties, and I never want them back so I might as well sever the rope as well. I'm done with all the people who have made me feel like this. I have lost respect for them all and have realized that they don't care about me as much as I thought they did. It sucks, yes, but I can't do this anymore.

Nothing really to say

I really don't have much to say today, but I know I don't want to forget today. Today has been the first day where I feel like this is what I expected from my relationship. Today is the first day where I feel like Gabe was just naturally my boyfriend and it was amazing.
He didn't tell me he was coming over tonight, but he just tapped on my window a few hours ago. Scared the bee-gee-bus out of me, too. I jumped so bad since I wasn't expecting him and wasn't listening for his car. But he just stopped by because he could, and he wanted to. He surprised me.
We just hung out and talked. Definitely made my day just that much better.

How do I explain it...

Hey everyone, hope everyone's weekend was fabulous and that everyone's Monday was... well, as good as could be expected from a Monday.
As for my weekend, it was surprisingly good. Gabe stayed the night on Saturday and it was nice. We were able to talk a lot after we had a Doctor Who mini marathon. Gabe and I were joking around because there are a lot of pretty girls on the show so I made comment of how he would so easily leave me for a few of them. He made a point to say that at least they are the ONLY girls he would leave me for. So chances are that he wont leave me. After that, he said that he has never been with a girl as long as he's been with me consistently. His other relationships were very on and off, where as ours has now been lasting almost five months. It was cute. He made me smile. It was good.
Now for my Monday, I had work. I really adore my girls though. My younger girls were adorable. We worked on spotting and we really need to work some more. Then when I got my older girls, I really felt accomplished. I let them leap over me to work on their leaps. I'm so proud of them. A lot of them got a lot more air and kept their legs straight. The leaps were gorgeous. One of my girls, who is very nervous and is lacking confident, was simply beaming and HAD to show her mom. It made me smile.
I'm nervous to start choreographing for the show. I have a lot of work ahead of me and I don't know if I can keep up with all of it, but I'm going to try my hardest. I think I'll need help and a lot of support, so hopefully I will have that.
As for my health, I am doing a bit better. I am trying to fix my numbers with my anemia by taking iron supplements and eating a bit more meat. I am trying to drink less soda as well. It is really difficult because of the fact that I don't eat much in general. I have to go back to the doctor next month, get my blood drawn again and hopefully my numbers will be more normal. Can only hope.
Well, I need to work on school work. Bah. The life of a 21 year old. Aren't I supposed to be out drinking and partying? Eh, oh well, I wouldn't trade my life for anything at this point.

Up up and away

So as I have been posting rather frequently, I have been having major health issues. Well, last Friday, I finally went and got my blood tested. I got my results today and they are saying that there is inflammation in my body, but it isn't anything serious. Which I am very thankful for.
With all this happening, my boyfriend has been very worried and has been consistently asking if there is anything I need from him. It's super cute.
Anyway this post is actually about what I made this blog about: work and school/life.
This was my first week at my first job, and with being sick, it wasn't going too well for me. I was sitting and watching a lot which isn't very fun when you're a ballet instructor. But today, the owner of the studio, left! AH! I had nothing planned for class! But I pulled it off and I already love my girls. I am so thankful to have this job. I think it is what I needed to finally get myself back into the dance world. Because I am teaching these girls what it takes to be a dancer, which are the exact things that were squished in me due to my very harsh instructors at UNLV. Building it in these girls is reminding me of how important they are and in turn it is rebuilding it in myself. It's wonderful. I can't imagine getting paid for this, but I am.
As for school, this is my first week back after a winter break, and I'm not going to lie, I have been slacking. I think its due to the fact that I have been ill so I haven't really wanted to do much other than sleep, which I have done a lot of. But it was nice to have the two weeks off. And from what I have seen today (because I was a good student and did all my work today) this week will be fairly easy and mostly based on opinions. I am so thankful to be back in school, plus have a job that I enjoy. It is really starting to make feel better about everything that I went through. I feel like all my struggles were finally worth something.
2013 is my year. I am determined to make that true.

So much changes in a year

 So this was me a year ago. I wasn't all that happy. I had a lot going on and couldn't figure out how to get my life back on track. I knew something had to change because I didn't like who I was, and I didn't like how my life was turning out.
It was also at this time (January 2nd, 2012) that I realized I had royally messed up an amazing friendship I had with Gabe by giving him a letter telling him how I really felt. By this time, he hadn't talked to me since Thanksgiving.
I was traveling back to my mom's house a lot for sanctuary from where I was living in Eugene. Though I loved my jobs, I felt like I was doing nothing in my life because I wasn't in school like everyone else my age. I was working myself like crazy though. I had four consistent jobs that never let me rest. Even on my days off, I was still on call... and chances were, they would call.
As much as I miss my friends in Eugene, and as much as I miss my co-workers, the kids I watched after and a few of my bosses, I have to say that I am happy to be where I am today (January 2nd, 2013).
I am finally back in school, and doing better than I have ever done in the history of my schooling. I am realizing more and more each day who I am and that I am strong and confident. I will be starting my dream job of being a dance teacher on Monday thanks to a wonderful opportunity that was brought into my life. And, like I told Gabe on New Years when we were out watching the fireworks... I am happy to be his and that I never thought I would get the opportunity to be in his arms and say that I'm his. So much has changed in a year. I lost my "big brother"/best friend, and gained other close friends. I get to be with the guy that I've had my eye on since high school, even though a year ago he fell of the face of the planet in my life. My dad got married, my mom got a boyfriend. I started school and got back into dance.
As much as I went through this last year, I honestly am so thankful that I did. How blessed am I to have gone through all the hardships? They are the only way I learned how to be happy even in the darkest moments, because there is ALWAYS a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm excited to see what 2013 has in store for me. I'm sure there will be many more ups and downs with Gabe, but even those are starting to lessen as we get more of an idea of what each other wants from the other as well as what we want to give of ourselves. I'm sure that I'll stress more and more about school. I'm sure I'll fight with friends and parents. But you know what, each day is a new day and each experience is there to teach us. So bring it on 2013, I have a feeling it's going to be a good year for me. Full of smiles, joys, laughter and love.

Happy January 1st

Hey everyone. Now that the craze of the holiday seasons are done, I'm finally able to relax and write. Imagine that.
Hope everyone's holidays were amazing and that you brought in the New Year with a bang last night/this morning. I know I did.
This Christmas though, really made me miss my family. We used to all get together at my mom's house and celebrate with a feast. Oh man, there would be so many people. But this year, we celebrated with a different family and though I was happy to help make their Christmas a happy one, I couldn't help but miss my own family a lot.
For Christmas I got:
a new sweatshirt, cute boots, new jeans from my mom and her boyfriend
a charm for my pandora bracelet from my dad and his wife (they had previously given me some money for my trip to Vegas as well)
new shoes that I bought myself
slippers, penguin pajamas, oregon duck sweatpants, a movie and an electric blanket from my boyfriend.
It was wonderful having him this year. I got invited to all his family dinners, and did end up attending one. It was intimidating because it was the first time I had met his mom, not to mention I met his "second mom" as well. But it was fun and they were really sweet. His mom even gave me a bunch of lavendar, and let me tell you, my room smells amazing because of it.

As for New Years, I thought it was going to be a huge downer. I had made plans with a bunch of friends but all of them fell through. So a night at home, eating pizza, drinking and watching movies was in store. But then my boyfriend showed up and saved the day. He stayed for the longest time and I was really happy. At midnight, we went out onto my back deck and watched all the fireworks. It was really nice.
This season has been the first time ever that I have had a boyfriend for any of the holidays, from my birthday (in November) to New Years. Though it's been rocky between him and I these last four months, I wouldn't change any of it. We're going to be coming up on five months at the end of this month, and he's finally starting to get used to the idea that I'm not going anywhere. He's laughing because our 6 month will be just a few days after Valentine's day, which is my favorite holiday, so he's going to try to really impress me with something. I'm really anxious.

As for school, I'm still going strong. All A's and B's which is amazing and a huge relief. Scholarships are starting to come in, and things seemed to be all worked out. *knock on wood*.
My health is starting to be less of a concern, but we're still watching closely for anything else.
I also start working at a new dance studio next week, which will be nice. I'll be getting paid, and not having to give my money back to the studio for rent. It'll be amazing.
So far, 2013 is off to an amazing start for me, hope it is for you guys too.


New Years resolution that my boyfriend made for me:
smile more, laugh more and be confident.
My New Years resolution:
write at least once a week, it's therapeutic and nice to be able to feel like I'm talking to someone.