Went on an hour long walk with my dog (most of
which I carried him). Took 5,789 steps and burned 248 calories. Now my
legs are randomly twitching and feel a little like jelly.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house.
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because
every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour.
Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the
night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER
because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder
and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal
bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn
the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could
at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and
emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's
injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and
pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing
pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop
crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive
to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because
that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I
had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in
my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care
about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was
empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard
because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder
called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of
1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things
harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I
lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over
Molly)
I end up
seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over
again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't
been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making
sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found
out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call
almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a
car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything
at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police
report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.
Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.
For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.
