Hey loves,
So sorry I haven't posted in a bit, I can't use the fact that I haven't had time because I have. I just really haven't had much to say I guess.
But since my last posting, a lot has happened which makes it so I should have a lot to say, right?
Anyway, I'm tired of writing things like recaps so I'm just going to write until I can't write anymore.
Starting with my trip to Vegas.
I went back to Vegas the first week of December to see my friends and celebrate my birthday. Oh gosh, I miss it so much. I want to move back there, but I'm unable to right now. I miss all my friends, but mostly I just miss feeling like I mean something. All of my friends here in Oregon are great and wonderful, but I don't feel like I mean anything to most of them. I can go weeks without talking to most of my friends here and its not a problem. I can't even go days without talking to my Vegas friends.
I also saw one of the guys I had a major crush on when I lived there. He hasn't changed. He's still oh so charming. He "kidnapped" me on my last night there, and took me out to Red Rock so that I could see a 180 of the gorgeous city. My city... my home. It was beyond gorgeous. Everything being lit up. It was also at that time that he told me he got accepted into the Navy. He's greatly excited, and I'm happy for him.
The entire time I was there, my boyfriend and I were on the verge of issues and I could tell. He didn't call me once, and he only started a conversation once. All the while, my friend who went with me was getting nightly calls from her boyfriend, and they have the worst relationship I know. It didn't help.
On the last day, I text my boyfriend saying that I feel like I don't get a lot of attention, he threw back that he feels the same. Oh man, did that piss me off. I mean, I'm the one who starts 90% of the text conversations, I'm the one who shows up at his work at least once every week... and I don't give him attention. Gah! After he could tell that I was upset, he said we would simply talk when I got home.
When I got home, we didn't talk though. He made a joke about it... that's about it. Then things seemed okay. Then things started getting to me, and as much as I say I don't care, I really do. I like to go out, be around people and have fun. Well my boyfriend has a fear of being in large crowds of people so him going out with me never happens. I say that its fine, but I hate it. No one see's us together, and I know that's not important, but I'm tired of always being either at my house or at his. I want to go out, I want to have fun.
So I started going to a local bar, and it's great. I love it. There's dancing and really good music. Only issue is, I sit there... wishing my boyfriend would join. Its starting to get annoying.
The other day was his birthday, so I went and took him cookies at work and then went over to his house later. It was great. We were hanging out with his roommates and it was comfortable. My boyfriend and I were up until 5am talking... but that's where another issue kind of came in. I was cuddling up to him and trying to get him to cuddle up to me too... then he started talking about his exs. What even?!
I just don't know how to feel anymore. I'm so used to dating guys who's attention is mine without a fight, but I'm fighting so hard to get my current boyfriend's attention to where I'm stressed and tired all the time. Like seriously, I feel like I could sleep for days.
I wish I could talk to my friends about this, but all they say is "if you're not happy with him break it off". I care about my boyfriend so much, that's why this all hurts like hell. I just... I don't know what to do. I wish that there was a way to get things to be back to the night when him and I first kissed. Before we were dating. That night was perfect (I'm fairly sure I wrote about it in another blog.... http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/2011/06/day-164-june-24th-2011-pit-stop-and.html )
Well, that night was a great night, because not only did I get a kiss from Gabe (our first kiss) but it was the way he did it. He grabbed me for a hug, as I said, and we were talking as he just held me there... in the middle of the street. Then all of a sudden, he dipped me and kissed me. It was perfect. I want to go back to that. I want us to be like that again. I know it's been over a year since that day, but why did things have to change so much? I just wish I knew what to do.
