Hour long (sorry for the language)

Went on an hour long walk with my dog (most of which I carried him). Took 5,789 steps and burned 248 calories. Now my legs are randomly twitching and feel a little like jelly.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house. 
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour. Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of 1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over Molly)
I end up seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.

Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.



For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.

Just an update

Hey loves,
So I figured I should probably let everyone know that I am okay. I know that the car wreck thing was a huge surprise (trust me, it was to me too), but none the less, I'm okay. I'm battered and bruised, emotionally unstable and mentally scarred, but other than that "it's a jolly holiday".
I owe a lot of that to my wonderful friends and family, not to mention all the well wishes I got from all of you (and the readers of my other blogs). I am so blessed to have such a LARGE group of people who care about me and wish me the best. It's wonderful to know that we can all be there for each other when it is what is necessary.

So, anyway, I don't really know what to say. I want to try to get those of you who want to to subscribe to my "relationship blog". It's where I'm now posting about my relationship with my boyfriend plus my relationships with my friends. (as well as opinions on other love based things).
I got tired of bogging up this blog, that is meant to talk about my schooling and my life while conquering college with ooey gooey stuff about my love life.

So, the url to the other blog is: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

If you want to, check it out and maybe even subscribe.

R.I.P Molly

I was in a car wreck today in Eugene. Molly (my car) is totaled. Luckily, I and my passengers are fine (worst injury was my passenger broke her foot, so send healing thoughts her way). I have bruising across my nose, a few Burns on my fingers from my air bag and a fairly decent bruise on my shin. I'm just thankful everyone will be okay, and that we're all alive. I'll give up my car to know that my friends are still alive. As for now, I am home in Medford and resting. Thank you to everyone who helped, especially Kory, who jumped onto action like crazy. I love you all. And thank Molly for being the tank you were and saving all of us.

Saturday: February 9, 2013:

Today was my car wreck and I'm still shaken. I was driving south, in the left lane, down River Road. I got to Hanson road (it would have been on my right), and a lady who was in the middle turn lane turned directly in front of me. This would mean that she was turning left to go onto Hanson. I had no time to slam on my breaks or swerve. I lost my car. Molly is totaled. I'm in tears over the loss. I had Stefhani in the front seat passenger and Sophie behind her. Stef broke her foot and has a severe burn from her seat belt and Soph has some pretty dandy bruises. I was so hopped up on adreniline that nothing hurt on me, I was just angry, beyond angry... I'm down right pissed off. The other driver saw me, I know she did. Why did she do this to me, my friends and Molly?! Oh Molly...
It was sunny, the roads were dry and we were heading to off the waffle...

It wasn't until after the cops talked to me and Molly started getting towed that I finally cried, I loved my car. She as my baby girl, and part of my family. It was hard seeing her smoking and broken, unable to move and me being unable to help her. I just wanted to fix her, I wanted to go back in time and make it so the crash never happened. So that all of my friends were okay and I still have Molly.
Once I got to Kory's house, I realized how bad I really hurt. My knee was throbbing, my fingers got burns from the airbag and my nose and face were in the process of bruising. I couldn't wait till my parents were able to come get me. I wanted to be home.
Once they got there, we had to go get the rest of my stuff out of Molly, I saw her and burst into tears.

After we were down the road a little, and we stopped for gas, I was able to look at my knee. There was a pretty intense welt on it and it hurt so bad. I just wanted to be home. All throughout the day, I've been crying at random points, and I really hope that stops.

From my mom:

Thank you God for protecting Carly, Sophie and Stefhani.
Thank you "Molly Car" for giving your life to protect those within.
Thank you Kory for jumping into action and taking care of them until I could get there. (Even the chicken noodle soup!)
Thank you to the First Response Teams (Firemen, police officers and ambulance).
Thank you to the eye witness that took care of these girls and stayed to make the reports.
Thank you to the gentlemen that welcomed these girls and gave them everything they needed (coats, drinks, chairs....) from his yard during this time.
Thank you to the "Angel" lady that appeared and stayed with Carly all during this ordeal. She was so kind, compassionate and gentle.
Thank you to everyone for the love and prayers during this time.

R.I.P. Molly Car, I am forever grateful. (Thanks mom!)

Just a quick post

Ooooooh Sharis'. How is it that you can't ever leave there without stories?
Tonight Jackie and I got extra special treatment: chocolate syrup on top of our whip cream on our hot chocolates (even on our seconds), plus the manager came over to personally introduce himself.
Gabe joined, we all ate and found out that Jackie had a slight stalker. We also saw Hunter.
Then I apparently had a hand look like it poofed out of my head (the guy sitting in the booth behind me put his hand up I guess and it looked like it came out of my head), the manager than proceeded to flirt with me, a really drunk lady talked to us and as we were leaving a guy and a lady gave us the great idea to bring board games since we sit at Sharis' for so long. The lady suggested Farkle.
I swear, life is never boring.
Yeah, you read the middle of that correct. My boyfriend finally joined a thing of mine with a friend! I can't even explain how excited I was for him to be there.
To top that off, I thought he was just going to be awkward and not boyfriend-y at all and well, he was. He held my hand, joked around, kissed my cheek and kissed me goodbye. I needed that. I needed to see that there was progress.... especially since I'm surrounded by break ups lately and its starting to scare me.
Best quote of the night was between Jackie and I talking about an ex after Gabe left:
"Kory would kill Jake" - Jackie
"Jake? Jake from state farm?" - me
*we bust up laughing*
"I think you mean James" - me
"that just shows how much I don't care about him" - Jackie

Prayers are needed

I'm not going to lie, it has been an interesting/difficult last two days.
Yesterday I got an email from my boss saying that a few parents and a few of my students were doubting my ability to do my job. Worst part of this was the fact that I got the email just a few hours before I had to go to work! I somehow had to put a smile on my face and act as if nothing was wrong. How annoying and unfair. I have been dancing for 18 years, and someone wants to doubt my ability?! Rude!
Then today, I also had work and my boss stayed and watched which I wasn't expecting but oh well. It was a little intimidating but at least I had a plan of what we were doing that day. Her only complaint was that I don't tuck in my thumbs, what an easy fix. I'm still annoyed that the parents were talking like that, and even more so, they were talking like that in front of a few of my students.
To top that off, and the real thing about this posting is... I got a call from my dad today. My grandmother might have breast cancer. She goes in for surgery on Monday to find out for sure. They say that if it is, since they caught it early, they should be able to get rid of all of it. I'm scared. My grandmother is the only grandparent I have left alive, and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know that is selfish on my part, but it is true. So good thoughts and prayers would be more than welcomed. Send them towards my Grandmother, I need her to have them more than me.
Thanks you guys. You all are truly amazing.

So here's the plan

Due to different things going on, I will still be posting on this blog about everything, but I am also starting a new blog about relationship stuff. It will talk about my relationship and I'll be giving advice to others. So if you wanna keep up on it, then I encourage you to subscribe to it or something.

No worries though, I will still be talking on here every week too. I am trying to post every Wednesday. So this blog wont change, I'll just have another one on my list (making my list four, goodness) and it will be more in depth about relationship stuffs.

Hope you stick with me here!


Have a great day.


(HERE'S THE LINK TO THE NEW BLOG:
http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/

and here's the links to my others, just in case anyone is interested:
http://outfortheworld.blogspot.com/ This one is more about just random thoughts, songs and poems that I wrote.

http://changeofeveryday.blogspot.com/ This one is my 365. I will be starting my second round of it on Valentine's day of this year.)

On a brighter note: I will just simply say that I am not mature enough to be in college, let alone be a psychology minor.

I am not mature enough to be in college. The teacher asked what is a biological factor into sexual behavior in humans, I blushed. Then one of the people said "puberty" and I giggled. I'm not mature enough for this at all.

I know this is a simple post, but it is true. I couldn't stand it. I kept seeing the word "puberty" and just kepts tee-hee-ing. Ooooooooooooh dear, I'm in for it.