Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

I love my mom so much and though every year I try to say exactly how much, I always end up coming back to the same quote by Washington Irving:
"A mother is the truest friend we have when trials heavy and sudden fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
My mom has seen me through so much that I can't even try to explain. We have had our hard times and the times where we were inseparable. We have had so many crazy adventures (camping, beach, Canada and soon to be to the Country Music Festival), she has gone on many school trips and has always been such a huge influence in my life.
I can honestly say that my mom is my biggest hero and probably my biggest fan. She has always encouraged me to do the things that I wanted and pushed me to better myself, whether this be with my dancing, acting singing or just being silly. When I announced that I was going to UNLV last minute, it was my mom that helped me pack my car and get down there with no days to spare. It was my mom who helped me move to Eugene. She was the first person I told when I decided I wanted to pursue a Psychology degree with emphasis on adolescents and Dance Therapy, and on top of that pursue it online (of which I had previous had difficulty with) and she was behind me 110% as always. She was the one person who I didn't have to convince that I can do what I am doing, she has always believed in me and encouraged me no matter how many times I had previously failed.
My mom is the strongest person I know and I love her so much for putting up with me through all these years.
I love you, mom. Happy Mother's day.

Warning: incredibly sappy update:

Warning: incredibly sappy update:
Okay, so I will finally admit that I've been having a bit of a hard time lately (especially last week). I was expecting this hard time to last a little bit, and I didn't know why. I was upset because things feel like they are at a stand still and I've been getting so easily stressed out. I'm still sad that I don't see my Molly car every day, even though I love my Allie girl. I'm mad that I don't hear from insurance and I'm getting so tired of doctors. I wanted to whine and complain and just be miserable. I was ready to curl up in my bed and just be done.
But after this last week, I can honestly say that I have the most amazing people in my life. My roommate has gone above and beyond with getting us coffee, food and bringing me smoothies to work to keep me going through the day and Monday we went Thrift shopping (what what?) and just had an insane day. Tuesday I got to talk to my dad and it was actually good. We're working on our relationship again, 'cause I miss being daddy's girl and he misses me too. I got to see my "sister" out in Ashland and though it wasn't for very long, I always feel better after talking to her.
Of course there's always my amazing mother who even though I fight with her constantly, I know she is always behind me to support me. She's made me feel better with little notes and coming into my room in the morning to say bye and that she hopes I have a good day. I'm excited to spend tomorrow with her. and then there's Gabe. Lol. I don't need to get sappy over that one. :p He just keeps me smiling and listens to my freak outs.
I think I feel sappy today because it's been 3 months since my car accident and its finally getting easier to talk about when I need to. So much could have gone on with that accident and it didn't. I was bitter for the longest time, lost confidence and stopped trusting people. But I'm starting to wonder why that's what I jumped to. Instead I should have been seeing the good side. Yes, I lost my best friend (Molly car), but my friends are alive, another amazing friend rushed to the scene to take care of us and some strangers were there to help as well. My parents rushed to come to my aid with my dog (that had to be the LONGEST car trip ever) and then when I got home, my boyfriend brought me beer and chocolate and stayed the night just to make sure I was okay. The next day Jackie came over with coffee and food. And every one made sure that I knew that if I needed anything while my mom was at work that all I had to do was ask. There are so many people who love and adore me, and that is more evident now than ever before. Then of course Tom jumped into action and helped find me a new car. With the approval from Justin (mechanic), I found my new girl Miss Allie M. I couldn't be more grateful to Tom for driving around with me like a crazy person from one car to the next until I knew I found "my car".
I know, I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. And most of all, I wanted to play the pity game, but honestly, where would that have gotten me? I was injured. I was hurt. And I lost my Molly girl.
My car was more than a car to me. I know that sounds silly, but it is true. She was my best friend. She knew all of my problems, had heard me scream many times and went on all of my adventures. She was my baby girl, my best friend. She was the biggest brat I knew and had the biggest personality I had ever known. I had gotten her when I was about 14 because she was my grandma's car and my grandma had passed away. There were so many connections to my Molly girl that it really hurt to see her go.... especially because I knew it was the last time I would see her and she was being taken away from me. :'(
I wanted to just scream at the lady who caused the accident. I wanted to so bad. She had taken so much from me and I didn't even know it yet.





My psychologist is guessing that I blacked out during the accident since I don't remember anything other than waking up and hearing screams. He says it could have been the odor from the air bags that woke me up.
Either way... I could have been so much worse, as could have my friends. But Molly was a tank and God was for sure watching over us that day.


I guess this is the time where I finally came to accept that. As angry as I still am, there so much to be thankful for.

I understand more...

I feel like since my first meeting with my psychologist since my accident, knowing exactly how I am feeling, plus having to admit it to myself has already helped a little.
Admitting that I've lost trust in people plus confidence in myself has really opened my eyes. I'm starting to realize when I'm being irrational and who really is there to help and just be there for me with no other motive.
Like Gabe, my wonderfully amazing boyfriend. I feel terrible. He's taken the most blows (like in the last post from the third... oops) and still finds it in his heart to forgive me and kiss me goodnight. He changed his mind and said he'll go to my psychologist with me if I ever get a phone call. I honestly can't express how grateful I am to him and for him. I truly do love him with all of my heart and I really hope he knows that.
My dad has also been crazily supportive lately. He likes that I'm working in sales and he's been more supportive about my schooling as well. It's nice to have him backing my up again. I forgot how strong I feel when I know my dad is behind me.
I know Hannah, Manda and Jackie are all here to help me as well. It was nice talking to Hannah the other day about a lot of stuff I can't talk to a majority of people about. I miss my Manda but it makes me so happy and proud when I see everything on Facebook. She's happy and that is AMAZING and all I could ever want for her.
Jackie and I have having a lot of ups and downs lately so that sucks, but it happens.
I do miss having Mat and Zack in my life as my big brothers, but I am happier without them, to be honest. Less pressure to be someone who I am not or to please people who never give but always take.
I wish I was closer with my mom and my sister, but I've thought that most of my life. I'm different than them so its hard to connect or understand each other. I get it and I don't blame them. I just wish it didn't seem like there are regrets.
My doctors have all been patient with me as well, which is good.

As for school.... I'm finding it hard to continue. I am on week seven of my classes and am having a hard time pulling it together. I get stressed out easily and just feel unmotivated. I want my degree but my teachers right now suck and I haven't heard from any of my advisors which doesn't help.
Work is a learning process and has complications but its income which is what I need.

Things WILL get better.

I will get better.

Miniature break down...oops

So, what do I do now? I went to see my psychologist today because I felt like it was finally time to get rid of the negative thoughts and nightmares that have joined me since my accident. At the end of the session, he asked if I could see if my boyfriend would come with me because he seems to be the best positive thing I have going on in my life.
I knew Gabe would say no to being there for when my psychologist talks to me about the decisions I have to make. But like I told him today, in one way or another, everyone leaves me out to hang and more often than not... its when I need them the most.
Hasn't that been true my entire life though? Mom being busy, dad being preoccupied with work and his bitchy girlfriends... my sister with school and friends. It left me to figure all this out on my own. Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Why aren't I used to feeling like I'm left to doing things on my own? Figuring everything out on my own.
I knew my boyfriend would say that he had to think about it, and that I would take it as a now. I based if off of the fact that my dad didn't go when I was young. Sad thing is that I was right. I didn't want to be right, but I knew I was going to be.
It sucks though because it makes me feel like he can't handle it. I mean, I held in all the tears that are being shed right now until after he left because I'm not confident that he can deal with the emotional side of all of this.
And that sucks because emotions are all that I am. I know that's my fault and what not. I mean according to everyone else, its all in my control.
There it is again. Being left to figure all this out on my own. If its so controllable, then please enlighten me on how you would handle emotions a thousand times stronger than average thanks to a disorder.
Let's exchange lives, bodies, minds and souls for a minute, K? Take a walk in my shoes and lets see how well you handle it. I'll place a hundred dollars on saying that you can't! That you aren't strong enough.




Sorry for all of this readers. I have an emotional disorder. I had learned enough about it to live with it and not let it control me, but since my accident it has gotten out of control again, hence why I am going back to my psychologist. It hurts because people tell me that its all in my head when it really isn't. and tonight having flashbacks of when my dad refused to go with me the first time I went to psychology, due to my boyfriend now pretty much saying no really threw me into a tail spin. I'll be better though. :)
Sorry for the mini break down.

Confidence is key

Hey all,
so I am doing a little better from my last post.
I have resorted to reading when I'm upset, and it has really helped. I like being able to disappear into my books.
I've been talking a lot to my psychologist through my school online, I'm doing this until I have the time to go to my actually psychologist, and she is really helping. She reminded me that the accident wasn't my fault and that everyone is okay and that everything will be okay. It's been nice hearing that and having her remind me of how loved I really am.
My boyfriend has also really been helping. He's been great at listening and being patient. He came over last night and just hung out. He was joking around and making me laugh because he knew that I have been really stressed lately.
I'm trying to just remain being who I am. Letting myself be exactly who I am rather than trying to act tough and okay, because I really haven't been. I've been needing to cry and to just have someone to talk to, but I wasn't admitting this because I felt like I needed to act like I was okay.
Another thing that helped is I did get to go ballroom a few weeks ago. I am excited to go this week too. I miss my dancing and especially my dance family.
As alone as I have felt, I'm starting to see everyone who is here to help me and be there for me. I don't know if it is just that I'm not quite ready, that I didn't see them or that it isn't exactly what I needed or wanted. But sometimes I don't know what it is that I need or want.
I'll figure it out.
Confidence is key.


After my last post I got so many messages that touched my heart. Thank you, all of you. You all help me more than what you even know.


Also, I'd like to mention that my prayers are with everyone affected by (family, and people who were there) the Boston Marathon tragedy that happened today. and R.I.P to those who passed due to the tragedy.

Also, my prayers to the 3 students who were shot today in Louisiana.

So much going on in the world, really makes me appreciate  what I have and reminds me to live everyday to its fullest because I don't know what's going to happen later.
Be safe.

Where I've been

Hey all,
sorry I haven't been posting.
I wish I could happily explain that I've been okay and that I have been out having the time of my life and that is why I fell of the face of Blogger. Sadly, this isn't the case.
I've lost myself, and with that I haven't known what to write. I feel like I'm stuck with no where to go.
Something I promised myself with moving back to my hometown was that I wouldn't forget. Forget the life experiences I had, forget how much I had grown, and the biggest was forget how to be confident.
Right now, I don't know who I am or where I am in my life. I want to be moving forward but I feel like there is a giant wall preventing that from happening. I feel like this wall is me not really knowing what I want anymore.
I miss having my friends who I could talk to about all of this. I miss my big brothers or my sisters... all of which were just my friends I claimed as family. I miss being able to talk to them and figure things out. I miss knowing that it was safe to talk about everything...
I miss feeling safe.

So, with this, I am finally cracking and going to talk to my psychologist about everything from the crash. Maybe getting that off my shoulders will help. Hopefully stop the nightmares at least.

I'm going to try to be posting every week. I miss you guys and your comments and messages. They really do help me feel like I'm not totally alone. I just wish I could talk to some of you in person... how cool and uplifting would that be?!

Hour long (sorry for the language)

Went on an hour long walk with my dog (most of which I carried him). Took 5,789 steps and burned 248 calories. Now my legs are randomly twitching and feel a little like jelly.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house. 
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour. Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of 1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over Molly)
I end up seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.

Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.



For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.