So, what do I do now? I went to see my psychologist today because I felt like it was finally time to get rid of the negative thoughts and nightmares that have joined me since my accident. At the end of the session, he asked if I could see if my boyfriend would come with me because he seems to be the best positive thing I have going on in my life.
I knew Gabe would say no to being there for when my psychologist talks to me about the decisions I have to make. But like I told him today, in one way or another, everyone leaves me out to hang and more often than not... its when I need them the most.
Hasn't that been true my entire life though? Mom being busy, dad being preoccupied with work and his bitchy girlfriends... my sister with school and friends. It left me to figure all this out on my own. Shouldn't I be used to it by now? Why aren't I used to feeling like I'm left to doing things on my own? Figuring everything out on my own.
I knew my boyfriend would say that he had to think about it, and that I would take it as a now. I based if off of the fact that my dad didn't go when I was young. Sad thing is that I was right. I didn't want to be right, but I knew I was going to be.
It sucks though because it makes me feel like he can't handle it. I mean, I held in all the tears that are being shed right now until after he left because I'm not confident that he can deal with the emotional side of all of this.
And that sucks because emotions are all that I am. I know that's my fault and what not. I mean according to everyone else, its all in my control.
There it is again. Being left to figure all this out on my own. If its so controllable, then please enlighten me on how you would handle emotions a thousand times stronger than average thanks to a disorder.
Let's exchange lives, bodies, minds and souls for a minute, K? Take a walk in my shoes and lets see how well you handle it. I'll place a hundred dollars on saying that you can't! That you aren't strong enough.
Sorry for all of this readers. I have an emotional disorder. I had learned enough about it to live with it and not let it control me, but since my accident it has gotten out of control again, hence why I am going back to my psychologist. It hurts because people tell me that its all in my head when it really isn't. and tonight having flashbacks of when my dad refused to go with me the first time I went to psychology, due to my boyfriend now pretty much saying no really threw me into a tail spin. I'll be better though. :)
Sorry for the mini break down.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
Confidence is key
Hey all,
so I am doing a little better from my last post.
I have resorted to reading when I'm upset, and it has really helped. I like being able to disappear into my books.
I've been talking a lot to my psychologist through my school online, I'm doing this until I have the time to go to my actually psychologist, and she is really helping. She reminded me that the accident wasn't my fault and that everyone is okay and that everything will be okay. It's been nice hearing that and having her remind me of how loved I really am.
My boyfriend has also really been helping. He's been great at listening and being patient. He came over last night and just hung out. He was joking around and making me laugh because he knew that I have been really stressed lately.
I'm trying to just remain being who I am. Letting myself be exactly who I am rather than trying to act tough and okay, because I really haven't been. I've been needing to cry and to just have someone to talk to, but I wasn't admitting this because I felt like I needed to act like I was okay.
Another thing that helped is I did get to go ballroom a few weeks ago. I am excited to go this week too. I miss my dancing and especially my dance family.
As alone as I have felt, I'm starting to see everyone who is here to help me and be there for me. I don't know if it is just that I'm not quite ready, that I didn't see them or that it isn't exactly what I needed or wanted. But sometimes I don't know what it is that I need or want.
I'll figure it out.
Confidence is key.
After my last post I got so many messages that touched my heart. Thank you, all of you. You all help me more than what you even know.
Also, I'd like to mention that my prayers are with everyone affected by (family, and people who were there) the Boston Marathon tragedy that happened today. and R.I.P to those who passed due to the tragedy.
Also, my prayers to the 3 students who were shot today in Louisiana.
So much going on in the world, really makes me appreciate what I have and reminds me to live everyday to its fullest because I don't know what's going to happen later.
Be safe.
so I am doing a little better from my last post.
I have resorted to reading when I'm upset, and it has really helped. I like being able to disappear into my books.
I've been talking a lot to my psychologist through my school online, I'm doing this until I have the time to go to my actually psychologist, and she is really helping. She reminded me that the accident wasn't my fault and that everyone is okay and that everything will be okay. It's been nice hearing that and having her remind me of how loved I really am.
My boyfriend has also really been helping. He's been great at listening and being patient. He came over last night and just hung out. He was joking around and making me laugh because he knew that I have been really stressed lately.
I'm trying to just remain being who I am. Letting myself be exactly who I am rather than trying to act tough and okay, because I really haven't been. I've been needing to cry and to just have someone to talk to, but I wasn't admitting this because I felt like I needed to act like I was okay.
Another thing that helped is I did get to go ballroom a few weeks ago. I am excited to go this week too. I miss my dancing and especially my dance family.
As alone as I have felt, I'm starting to see everyone who is here to help me and be there for me. I don't know if it is just that I'm not quite ready, that I didn't see them or that it isn't exactly what I needed or wanted. But sometimes I don't know what it is that I need or want.
I'll figure it out.
Confidence is key.
After my last post I got so many messages that touched my heart. Thank you, all of you. You all help me more than what you even know.
Also, I'd like to mention that my prayers are with everyone affected by (family, and people who were there) the Boston Marathon tragedy that happened today. and R.I.P to those who passed due to the tragedy.
Also, my prayers to the 3 students who were shot today in Louisiana.
So much going on in the world, really makes me appreciate what I have and reminds me to live everyday to its fullest because I don't know what's going to happen later.
Be safe.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Where I've been
Hey all,
sorry I haven't been posting.
I wish I could happily explain that I've been okay and that I have been out having the time of my life and that is why I fell of the face of Blogger. Sadly, this isn't the case.
I've lost myself, and with that I haven't known what to write. I feel like I'm stuck with no where to go.
Something I promised myself with moving back to my hometown was that I wouldn't forget. Forget the life experiences I had, forget how much I had grown, and the biggest was forget how to be confident.
Right now, I don't know who I am or where I am in my life. I want to be moving forward but I feel like there is a giant wall preventing that from happening. I feel like this wall is me not really knowing what I want anymore.
I miss having my friends who I could talk to about all of this. I miss my big brothers or my sisters... all of which were just my friends I claimed as family. I miss being able to talk to them and figure things out. I miss knowing that it was safe to talk about everything...
I miss feeling safe.
So, with this, I am finally cracking and going to talk to my psychologist about everything from the crash. Maybe getting that off my shoulders will help. Hopefully stop the nightmares at least.
I'm going to try to be posting every week. I miss you guys and your comments and messages. They really do help me feel like I'm not totally alone. I just wish I could talk to some of you in person... how cool and uplifting would that be?!
sorry I haven't been posting.
I wish I could happily explain that I've been okay and that I have been out having the time of my life and that is why I fell of the face of Blogger. Sadly, this isn't the case.
I've lost myself, and with that I haven't known what to write. I feel like I'm stuck with no where to go.
Something I promised myself with moving back to my hometown was that I wouldn't forget. Forget the life experiences I had, forget how much I had grown, and the biggest was forget how to be confident.
Right now, I don't know who I am or where I am in my life. I want to be moving forward but I feel like there is a giant wall preventing that from happening. I feel like this wall is me not really knowing what I want anymore.
I miss having my friends who I could talk to about all of this. I miss my big brothers or my sisters... all of which were just my friends I claimed as family. I miss being able to talk to them and figure things out. I miss knowing that it was safe to talk about everything...
I miss feeling safe.
So, with this, I am finally cracking and going to talk to my psychologist about everything from the crash. Maybe getting that off my shoulders will help. Hopefully stop the nightmares at least.
I'm going to try to be posting every week. I miss you guys and your comments and messages. They really do help me feel like I'm not totally alone. I just wish I could talk to some of you in person... how cool and uplifting would that be?!
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Hour long (sorry for the language)
Went on an hour long walk with my dog (most of
which I carried him). Took 5,789 steps and burned 248 calories. Now my
legs are randomly twitching and feel a little like jelly.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house.
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour. Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of 1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over Molly)
I end up seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.
Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.
For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.
I did this because I lost it.
I lost control and didn't know what else to do, I kept feeling "just leave" go over and over through my head. I can't leave Gabe because I love him so much, so actually leaving this town is a slim to none chance... so I left my house.
I have had so much going on that it has been insane and I just can't seem to handle any of it anymore.
I had to deal with no sleep for a few nights (almost a week) after my accident because every time I closed my eyes, I'd open them in a panic within a half hour. Only way I could sleep is if Gabe was next to me, which was only the night of the accident.
The day after the accident I went to the ER because I had woken up in the worst pain in my life. My nose hurt, my knees hurt, my ankle, my wrists, my neck, my shoulder and my chest. At the ER it was shown that there was some internal bleeding in my knee, my wrists were jammed as was my ankle. I had torn the muscle in my shoulder. I had major whiplash and possibly cracked that cartilage in my nose. I got put on high dose medication so that I could at least sleep with no pain.
Now I'm dealing with the mental and emotional stuff since I blame myself for the accident and everyone's injuries.
I was seeing everything on Facebook. All the comments and pictures about the accident, even happy updates from friends, or seeing pictures of my friend's cars and I finally just lost it. I couldn't stop crying and after I did, I felt empty and got really pissy and sensitive to EVERYTHING. I feel like my best friend got taken from me because that's what Molly (my car) was. She was my best friend. She was the last thing I had from my grandmother and she was the only one who knew everything in my life. With this, I went into a huge depression that I have yet to concur. I started taking meds just so I could be asleep. I didn't care about anyone, didn't even care about myself. I was empty and really didn't care.
I take this loss and guilt really hard because when I was little I was diagnosed with an emotions disorder called Hyper Sensitivity. A "normal" person's emotions run on a scale of 1-100. Mine start at 1000 and there is no proven end. I take things harder than most people, whether it be negative or positive. So when I lose something, I mourn for a while (which I haven't gotten to do over Molly)
I end up seeing the crash in slow mo, smelling and hearing everything... all over again. and I can't stop it.
For more about the crash: my insurance hasn't been doing shit for me so I have had to be on the phone everyday making sure that all hospital bills and doctor bills get taken care of. Found out from a few people, that they will totally ignore me if I don't call almost daily. Which is bullshit, but so far it is true. I was without a car for two weeks which left me unable to get to any doctors or anything at all. It wasn't until last week that I even got a copy of the police report. My insurance has been lying to me and playing me for an idiot.
Then on top of everything, I might not be a student any longer. I got a call from my loan collectors and they were saying that I owe them. I told them that I am still a student and they said that according to their computers, I am not.
For a tidbit of good news:
Though Gabe and I were fighting just yesterday (as vented about in my other blog: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) , we seem to be a little better today.
I do have a new car, her name is Allie and she is my princess.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Just an update
Hey loves,
So I figured I should probably let everyone know that I am okay. I know that the car wreck thing was a huge surprise (trust me, it was to me too), but none the less, I'm okay. I'm battered and bruised, emotionally unstable and mentally scarred, but other than that "it's a jolly holiday".
I owe a lot of that to my wonderful friends and family, not to mention all the well wishes I got from all of you (and the readers of my other blogs). I am so blessed to have such a LARGE group of people who care about me and wish me the best. It's wonderful to know that we can all be there for each other when it is what is necessary.
So, anyway, I don't really know what to say. I want to try to get those of you who want to to subscribe to my "relationship blog". It's where I'm now posting about my relationship with my boyfriend plus my relationships with my friends. (as well as opinions on other love based things).
I got tired of bogging up this blog, that is meant to talk about my schooling and my life while conquering college with ooey gooey stuff about my love life.
So, the url to the other blog is: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/
If you want to, check it out and maybe even subscribe.
So I figured I should probably let everyone know that I am okay. I know that the car wreck thing was a huge surprise (trust me, it was to me too), but none the less, I'm okay. I'm battered and bruised, emotionally unstable and mentally scarred, but other than that "it's a jolly holiday".
I owe a lot of that to my wonderful friends and family, not to mention all the well wishes I got from all of you (and the readers of my other blogs). I am so blessed to have such a LARGE group of people who care about me and wish me the best. It's wonderful to know that we can all be there for each other when it is what is necessary.
So, anyway, I don't really know what to say. I want to try to get those of you who want to to subscribe to my "relationship blog". It's where I'm now posting about my relationship with my boyfriend plus my relationships with my friends. (as well as opinions on other love based things).
I got tired of bogging up this blog, that is meant to talk about my schooling and my life while conquering college with ooey gooey stuff about my love life.
So, the url to the other blog is: http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/
If you want to, check it out and maybe even subscribe.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
R.I.P Molly
I was in a car wreck today in Eugene. Molly
(my car) is totaled. Luckily, I and my passengers are fine (worst injury
was my passenger broke her foot, so send healing thoughts her way). I
have bruising across my nose, a few Burns on my fingers from my air bag
and a fairly decent bruise on my shin. I'm just thankful everyone will
be okay, and that we're all alive. I'll give up my car to know that my
friends are still alive. As for now, I am home in Medford and resting.
Thank you to everyone who helped, especially Kory, who jumped onto
action like crazy. I love you all. And thank Molly for being the tank
you were and saving all of us.
From my mom:
Saturday: February 9, 2013:
Today was my car wreck and I'm still
shaken. I was driving south, in the left lane, down River Road. I got
to Hanson road (it would have been on my right), and a lady who was
in the middle turn lane turned directly in front of me. This would
mean that she was turning left to go onto Hanson. I had no time to
slam on my breaks or swerve. I lost my car. Molly is totaled. I'm in
tears over the loss. I had Stefhani in the front seat passenger and
Sophie behind her. Stef broke her foot and has a severe burn from her
seat belt and Soph has some pretty dandy bruises. I was so hopped up
on adreniline that nothing hurt on me, I was just angry, beyond
angry... I'm down right pissed off. The other driver saw me, I know
she did. Why did she do this to me, my friends and Molly?! Oh
Molly...
It was sunny, the roads were dry and we were heading to off the waffle...
It was sunny, the roads were dry and we were heading to off the waffle...
It wasn't until after the cops talked
to me and Molly started getting towed that I finally cried, I loved
my car. She as my baby girl, and part of my family. It was hard
seeing her smoking and broken, unable to move and me being unable to
help her. I just wanted to fix her, I wanted to go back in time and
make it so the crash never happened. So that all of my friends were
okay and I still have Molly.
Once I got to Kory's house, I realized how bad I really hurt. My knee was throbbing, my fingers got burns from the airbag and my nose and face were in the process of bruising. I couldn't wait till my parents were able to come get me. I wanted to be home.
Once they got there, we had to go get the rest of my stuff out of Molly, I saw her and burst into tears.
Once I got to Kory's house, I realized how bad I really hurt. My knee was throbbing, my fingers got burns from the airbag and my nose and face were in the process of bruising. I couldn't wait till my parents were able to come get me. I wanted to be home.
Once they got there, we had to go get the rest of my stuff out of Molly, I saw her and burst into tears.
After we were down the road a little,
and we stopped for gas, I was able to look at my knee. There was a
pretty intense welt on it and it hurt so bad. I just wanted to be
home. All throughout the day, I've been crying at random points, and
I really hope that stops.
From my mom:
Thank you God for protecting Carly, Sophie and Stefhani.
Thank you "Molly Car" for giving your life to protect those within.
Thank you Kory for jumping into action and taking care of them until I could get there. (Even the chicken noodle soup!)
Thank you to the First Response Teams (Firemen, police officers and ambulance).
Thank you to the eye witness that took care of these girls and stayed to make the reports.
Thank you to the gentlemen that welcomed these girls and gave them everything they needed (coats, drinks, chairs....) from his yard during this time.
Thank you to the "Angel" lady that appeared and stayed with Carly all during this ordeal. She was so kind, compassionate and gentle.
Thank you to everyone for the love and prayers during this time.
R.I.P. Molly Car, I am forever grateful. (Thanks mom!)
Thank you "Molly Car" for giving your life to protect those within.
Thank you Kory for jumping into action and taking care of them until I could get there. (Even the chicken noodle soup!)
Thank you to the First Response Teams (Firemen, police officers and ambulance).
Thank you to the eye witness that took care of these girls and stayed to make the reports.
Thank you to the gentlemen that welcomed these girls and gave them everything they needed (coats, drinks, chairs....) from his yard during this time.
Thank you to the "Angel" lady that appeared and stayed with Carly all during this ordeal. She was so kind, compassionate and gentle.
Thank you to everyone for the love and prayers during this time.
R.I.P. Molly Car, I am forever grateful. (Thanks mom!)
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Just a quick post
Ooooooh Sharis'. How is it that you can't ever leave there without stories?
Tonight Jackie and I got extra special treatment: chocolate syrup on top of our whip cream on our hot chocolates (even on our seconds), plus the manager came over to personally introduce himself.
Gabe joined, we all ate and found out that Jackie had a slight stalker. We also saw Hunter.
Then I apparently had a hand look like it poofed out of my head (the guy sitting in the booth behind me put his hand up I guess and it looked like it came out of my head), the manager than proceeded to flirt with me, a really drunk lady talked to us and as we were leaving a guy and a lady gave us the great idea to bring board games since we sit at Sharis' for so long. The lady suggested Farkle.
I swear, life is never boring.
Yeah, you read the middle of that correct. My boyfriend finally joined a thing of mine with a friend! I can't even explain how excited I was for him to be there.
To top that off, I thought he was just going to be awkward and not boyfriend-y at all and well, he was. He held my hand, joked around, kissed my cheek and kissed me goodbye. I needed that. I needed to see that there was progress.... especially since I'm surrounded by break ups lately and its starting to scare me.
Best quote of the night was between Jackie and I talking about an ex after Gabe left:
"Kory would kill Jake" - Jackie
"Jake? Jake from state farm?" - me
*we bust up laughing*
"I think you mean James" - me
"that just shows how much I don't care about him" - Jackie
Tonight Jackie and I got extra special treatment: chocolate syrup on top of our whip cream on our hot chocolates (even on our seconds), plus the manager came over to personally introduce himself.
Gabe joined, we all ate and found out that Jackie had a slight stalker. We also saw Hunter.
Then I apparently had a hand look like it poofed out of my head (the guy sitting in the booth behind me put his hand up I guess and it looked like it came out of my head), the manager than proceeded to flirt with me, a really drunk lady talked to us and as we were leaving a guy and a lady gave us the great idea to bring board games since we sit at Sharis' for so long. The lady suggested Farkle.
I swear, life is never boring.
Yeah, you read the middle of that correct. My boyfriend finally joined a thing of mine with a friend! I can't even explain how excited I was for him to be there.
To top that off, I thought he was just going to be awkward and not boyfriend-y at all and well, he was. He held my hand, joked around, kissed my cheek and kissed me goodbye. I needed that. I needed to see that there was progress.... especially since I'm surrounded by break ups lately and its starting to scare me.
Best quote of the night was between Jackie and I talking about an ex after Gabe left:
"Kory would kill Jake" - Jackie
"Jake? Jake from state farm?" - me
*we bust up laughing*
"I think you mean James" - me
"that just shows how much I don't care about him" - Jackie
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