August 22nd, 2010: First night at the dorms...

Tonight will be my first night staying in my dorm, my room mate is here and we get along pretty well. I got my photo wall up, and it makes me feel better. Had to laugh because my "big brother" is on it more than anyone else.

We had a "floor meeting" tonight and my RA reminds me soooo much of my friend Cory, makes me feel more like home... as odd as that is.

My classes start tomorrow, and I'm scared to death about getting lost. Follow signs? I guess. I have a very very vague idea of where I'm heading, doesn't help though.

I don't really have anything too interesting to say today... got my internet set up, said good bye to my mom and spread my wings for the first time. I'll honestly say, I'm scared to death and there have been a few tears shed. Not going to lie.

So, to be "social" my rommie and I decided to prop our door open, things that need to go on the list of things to buy... door stop, because my bottle of Tide will only last so long.

<... My Photowall.

I'll write more tomorrow, since it'll be my first day of classes... so it'll be more interesting.
For now, I'm going to talk to people online and write letters.

August 21st, 2010: Finished??

Am I finished editing my schedule yet?
Yes, yes... I edited it one last time today... now hopefully I wont have to do it again.
Went and saw "Eat Pray Love" today with my mom and my sister... such a good movie, go see it!
Tomorrow is the last day I get to be with my mom, and I'm already missing her. I'm already crazy home sick and have been for awhile.
I'm in the hotel with my mom right now, just to stay with her for one more night (and I swear, there is an elephant trying to dance staying in the room above us).

Today my mom and I also went to Dance 4 Less to pick up some dance stuff, leave it to UNLV to get me back into pink tights, black leotards and ballet shoes. Ugh. But! I did get a super cute new dance bag. That's the only thing that makes it liveable. I mean, yeah, I wanted to get back into Ballet... but not back into the leotards or pink tights. I'm not the biggest fan of feeling like I'm suffocating in my clothes because everything I'm wearing is just so darn tight. But life as a dancer, I guess I can't complain too much since its the life style I've chosen to follow.

August 19th, 2010: Orientation/Move In/Meet Cortney

So today was my second day "at" UNLV.


Yesterday (I didn't have wireless and the hotel, hence why I didn't post anything), my sister helped my mom and I run around campus to get all the last minute stuff done, and then we went and got my books... my English one, no joke, says "Text Message" on the cover. :D

So now for today:
As I was saying it was my second day "at" UNLV.

Orientation:
So, first off... get on campus and mom and I follow (from far away) this other mom/daughter group... when they catch on to the fact that we're following them, we talk a little. Ends up the daughter is also majoring in dance. How lucky was that?
Then when I was sitting in the "ballroom" with mom, I looked to my left... I swear I was surrounded by guys. Look back at mom with my "I don't know what to do about this look" and all she can say is "some things never change".
When the separation of students and parents was made, I automatically knew that this means "ice breakers"... my least favorite part of anything (especially the circle one where you try to sit on each others laps... ugh). We did the one where you say your name, an interesting fact about yourself, and make up a dance move... then you have to try to remember every one's who went before you. I was the 6th person, and I couldn't think of a dance move... so I just do the Crip Walk... go figure, no one can do it.
Then we did a VERY small tour of the HUGE campus.
Then had lunch, and I got to know Tasha (Annastasha) and Casey. Both amazingly cool people. (Casey is from Maine!) So talked to them during lunch, and it was hilarious...
Then Casey and I kinda clung to each other 'cause of the whole "out of state student" automatic bond that happened.
Then Casey and I skipped out on the registration part of the "tour" (because her and I registered for classes online), so we became Rebels (haha, funny 'cause that's the UNLV's mascot but I was talking as in "breaking the rules") and we went to go get our Rebel card (student I.D. and literally your life card), my picture turned out rather good.


Move In:
Getting into the dorm is this huge process which is hilarious. You walk in a door, take like 10 steps and sign in, take 5 steps and get a bag, take 3 steps and get a paper to fill out, you take like 12 steps to a chair, fill out the paper, take the previous 12 steps to turn in the paper and then take 20 steps to ANOTHER table, sign another paper then walk down a hallway to the office. In the office you talk to one girl, sign a few more papers then take 10 steps to talk to another girl to get your mailbox key and your room key. UGH!


Meet Cortney:
So finally get to my dorm room, open the door and there are four people inside... one happens to be my new roomie! Yay! Her name is Cortney and she's going to major in Criminal Justice. She is also a runner. She seems really cool so far. She's originally from Cali (I think they said something like Napa? But maybe I'm thinking someone else).


So that was all the new stuff for the day,
how was everyone else's day?

August 18th, 2010: And here it is...

I'm on my way from living in small town, Oregon to living in Las Vegas, Nevada.
I'm scared to death, but excited to start my journey.
There is no turning back now, I'm more than half way there.
Just over 5 hours and I'm in my new town,
a little more than a day until I get into my home away from home (dorm room),
and probably meet my roomie.
I've started this section of my blog just for my college days,
personal things (that have nothing to do with college AT ALL) is still going to be in my other two blogs.
So, here goes nothing:
Vegas or bust.

Just tear me apart... you have my heart anyway.

As I lay down my head to try to fall asleep...
you run across my mind
 Part of me wishes you didn't
 'cause that part of me wants to hate you,
 I can't though.
You captivate me beyond what I tell you.
Your eyes pierce me through and through...
in pictures and in real life.
At the same time...
I want to hate you because you confuse the hell out of me which annoys me to the very extent of my mind.
 I know you know so much about me but at the same time you pretty much know nothing.
To be blunt I feel its all your fault we are how we are now.
I had given it my all and I got tired with trying to please you.

Written Junior Year

Stomach turning, throat closing, head pounding and tears flowing. 
Crap, it's coming back.
This sickness,
the depression...
This stupid disorder.
Affecting me, making me sick.
Can't stop it, can't change it.
It just happens.
Feels horrible but it's reality.
Something I have to deal with when it comes back around.
Don't let anyone help.
Close up in myself.
Don't touch me, don't ask, don't care.
Makes me feel worse, but only way I can think to not let it effect others.
Act happy, though my eyes say differently.
Ha!
Rarely anyone cares enough to read my full expression.
They see smile so 'yay she's happy.'
They don't look to see if my eyes reflect happiness or not.
To see if they are holding back tears or fighting hurt.
Rarely, rarely...
does anyone care enough to notice... 
or have enough time to care or stop being distracted to notice that I'm hurting.
Get distant, rarely talk, no eye contact made.
Avoid it all, society.
Rarely eat, say I'm full.
Wont eat if I'm not forced.
No one will know but me.

Always letting go, but never giving up.

Please save me from this cold, strange darkness and keep me from myself. I can't handle being alone in this darkness of unknown. With the bumps in the night: I scream with no hope of being heard. Echos of pain and hurt still ringing in my ears. Letting go while pulling at my heart strings. You're planning on never letting up. Just pulling till you finally crash me down.

 Down into your darkness and out of your heart. Always letting go but never giving up. You say to me you care but you're breaking my heart. I was wanting to help you break your habits, walk out from the shadows of your lies. I can't look you in the eyes. My heart is waiting for you to pick it off the line. I'm set up for heartbreak, for betrayal. There's bound to be some tears falling from my eyes.

As I sit here and write this note you're never going to get, I wish I had the guts to say this to your face. But your hazel eyes pierce me through and through. I'm wanting to be done, but I care with all my heart. I can't just wish it away to my darkness. The light would shine on it once more. You've torn me apart, ripped my heart to shreds. I care too much to say to you how much you've hurt me.

Those days that I see you and we're together, I wish I could put the world on hold. Hours still pass me by. I don't want to slip back into that darkness. So I'm done with you, done with the pain you've put me through. I've moved on and detached myself from you, a person that never got attached in the first place. I showed you the weak side of me... let down my guard but I'm done.

I was going to try and be friends but you're dumb and wrecked that too.

 I now realize... I have a right to be happy and not have your life with drugs and alcohol. I wish you the best. Just leave me out of your darkness, let me have my light. I stepped out of your shadow, and left you on your own. I shouldn't try to be your strength, none the less your support. I have the strength to fight back, so I'll fight with all I've got. I'll thank you for my strength, and hate you for the scars. You affected me more that I let off. Even now I don't hate you, though I wish I could. You did what I asked... you saved me from my darkness. Showed me my light. Now I'm never looking back... you were my darkness all along. Draining me of life... you can't take my light.

 I wont let you take my light.