At peace

So, a few days ago, I had a spell where I felt depressed and anxious again. It made me realize how much I really dislike the place I have been for many months now.
So withdrawn... so alone.... so unhappy.
Well, for that day I just let myself be. I laid around with my puppy and watched Netflix. Just let myself breathe and be okay with being not alright.
I need to come to terms that this is another obstacle I need to get over, and its going to be hard and it wont go away because (unless this is a temporary state, like what I've read about in my texts books), I'll either have to be on medications for most of my life or I'll have to find another way to live with it without it controlling me.
That day I was having a really hard time not surrendering to the depression and the anxiety, but I spoke about it and was honest. I told everyone I came in contact with that I was feeling really uncomfortable, anxious and not well. It was nice that everyone, especially my amazing roommate, was so understanding.
The day after, I found a sense of peace. I finally started seeing the beauty in life again. The gorgeousness of a sunset with its pinks, oranges and purples. The amazing feeling that comes with laughing... and just breathing. I know this is going to be a struggle, and no, I'm not sure I'm ready to fight it yet. But I'm learning and I'm getting stronger. I realize that all of you, and everyone around me is just here to help, support and encourage... and I can not express how much that warms my heart and gives me strength.
I know I'll have my bad days, but I'm going to fight for the majority of the days to be good. I miss seeing the beauty and happiness in everything. I miss the joy and love that comes from not feeling alone... and better yet, I miss what it feels like to be truly happy.

So, thank you. For standing by me through this new stage in my life, for supporting me and for sending all those encouraging messages, comments and emails. You all are truly amazing. It means the world to me to know that I have such an amazing group of people who want me to win.

Keep smiling, everyone and enjoy the colors in this world. They truly are spectacular.

Quotes by me

So, I'm currently going through old blogs of mine, and I keep running across some things I've written that I want to remember, so here are quotes that I've personally used/created and said (this will be getting updated fairly often):


"If the sun wants to shine down while you cry, its your tears that are meant to dry. Tears fall to the ground and stains are left on your face but life is not meant to waste. Get up and go. It'll be harder if you keep moving slow. The slower the pace, the harder the race. Life is life, you just have to live it. Keep op the act, stay on the right track. You aren't meant to keep looking back. Life's ahead so that's where you look, can't close the iron covers of this book. You'll wish you could, with all your might but that is one thing that wont happen tonight. Share the smiles; laugh out loud. Its too late, can't fix it now."


"You're never too old to remember how things used to be and how things have changed. But always remember, its the people that stay in your life for so long that really deserve your time."

So,

So, my appointment was today with my doctor.
It was really hard because some of the questions they were asking, I didn't really want to answer.
I came to find out, I lost about 5 pounds... taking me down to 132.6 lbs. Not that it's an unhealthy weight, I just didn't need to lose any weight. I guess I hadn't really noticed that I haven't been eating all that much.
Anyway, my doctor said that I have high anxiety with acute depression.
We agreed that Lexapro (Escitalopram) would be the best medication for me since it is more centered around the anxiety versus the depression.
Though, I didn't really want this diagnosis, I feel proud because I was able to go in and explain my thoughts, feelings and symptoms without hesitation and state my guess on what it is. Due to my studies, I knew what medications she was talking about putting me on, and what the side effects are. So, I got to see that I really am learning different things in my studies. Super cool.
I go back in 4 weeks for a follow up to see how my body is responding to the Lexapro.
She said to watch out and really journal how I'm feeling so guess who will be writing more.
Thanks for all the support, you guys are truly awesome and the best support group anyone could ask for.

I'll be writing on the 4th of July, so keep an eye out.