"When
looking back on the last nine weeks in this course, I don't feel that
anything has really affected my personal sexual decision making. I
feel like I still make decisions now the same as I did before the
course. Something that this course did help with is helped me
understand others' points of views and their choices of their own
sexuality, whether it be their sexual identity or their sex life.
Before
the course, I was very confident that I was straight, was confident
in who I choose to be in a relationship with and even more confident
in my choices when it comes to having a sex life. If anything, this
course just made me feel stronger about my decisions because I now
know that there are different studies that support what I chose.
I now
see the struggles that others can possibly go through though. I've
never had to be stricken with fear that I was no longer going to be
accepted for who I am because of who I was attracted to or because of
my gender identity. I can't imagine the fear and stress that some
people go through in fear that their parents, family and friends are
no longer going to love them.
I think
that my environment has probably been the biggest deciding factor on
my sexuality if anything other than just going with what felt natural
to me. I grew up in a very religious family so that kind of shapes my
entire sexual identity and choices when it comes to sex in general.
My family doesn't really approve of homosexuality or sex before
marriage. Though they know that sex is a natural thing and that it is
seeming unrealistic to wait until after marriage, they are still
highly of the opinion to wait (if not until married) as long as you
can. With this, I feel that even if I were a lesbian or bisexual, I
wouldn't feel that it would be a welcomed lifestyle due to my family.
I don't really think that is why I'm straight since I don't find
myself attracted to women, but I can say that it would be a factor if
I weren't straight.
Like
some of the course, it talks about the building of sexual
relationships and sexual identity all through growing up, starting at
infancy. I would say that I found this topic really interesting
because I don't really know how I developed my gender identity. It
was just natural. Ever since preschool, I've loved having attention
from boys and I loved wearing dresses and feeling like a princess. I
feel that really hasn't changed much, other than the fact that I now
know being a woman doesn't just mean looking pretty, it is also
empowering and that I'm strong. Due to different role models, I know
that I have the power within myself to be able to have what I want,
all I have to do is work for it.
Looking
at my love life is where I really see how I've been affected by my
family and my past. Due to seeing many abusive relationships, I find
it hard to trust or be close to anyone. I grew up seeing that no
matter how strong the love is, guys always leave. Obviously, my
parents weren't great role models for me to look at when it came to
relationships or love. My parents divorced when I was one, so I
didn't even really grow up with love being shown towards significant
others. After that, both of my parents were in “toxic”
relationships, full of lies, abuse and people getting hurt. With
this, as growing up and starting to date once in high school, I was
never really upset when a relationship ended. I was almost always
attracted to the guys where you knew they would leave the second a
better offer came up. Sadly though, at the same time, I thought abuse
was normal. I knew physical abuse wasn't okay and never tolerated
such, but mental and emotional abuse were normal. I was always of the
opinion that it was my fault anyway and that I was the one who needed
fixed.
I played
into it, and put up many walls because I didn't see a point, since
according to my past, they were going to leave anyway. The funny
thing is, I have a huge heart and welcome everyone inside it with
open arms. I love everyone until I'm shown that I can't or shouldn't.
Sometimes this got me into more trouble than I feel it should have.
This led me down a really dark and lonely path, I felt like I wasn't
attractive to anyone and that I was alone with no one to turn to. I
felt like I wasn't able to be loved.
Now, I'm
in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in and its going on
two years. I have been open about my past with him and he understands
when I pull away. He stays and shows me he is here for me by
literally staying next to me. I feel that I have grown in my ability
to love because I now see what love is and how it really should be.
No verbal abuse, no physical abuse and no mental abuse. Just respect
and adoration. Growing with each other and accepting each others
flaws. I have never felt so safe or comfortable with a guy until now.
The thought of being alone or left never crosses my mind anymore.
There
are two courses that were close to home in this course, and with
that, it was hard to get through them, but I was really proud of
myself that I did. Those topics being abortion and abuse. Both of
these topics relate to my life, not because of me personally in
sorts, but because of people in my life. I have seen a friend through
an abortion and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I can't imagine how hard it was and always will be for her. The topic
in this course was interesting because of reading the different
things that people can go through mentally and emotionally.
As for
the abuse topic, sadly this one does include me. I have seen both of
my parents be in abusive relationships, and some of those included my
parents' significant others abusing my sister and I, emotionally,
physically and mentally. I wish I had known what I could have done,
even as a young child to have stopped the abuse. I was scared to tell
anyone because these were my step-parents. To my knowledge they were
supposed to love me, but I now know that I still had every right to
protect myself. Seeing the different things and now knowing that it
is a legal matter is interesting because its something I wish I had
known, as well as things I share with others who I know aren't in the
best relationships.
I,
myself, was even in an emotionally abusive relationship. And the
knowledge that I let myself be in that situation for as long as I did
is still discouraging, and though the relationship was almost three
years ago, I still beat myself up over it and even worse, still blame
myself for it happening. Almost to the point where I can reason with
it having happened, making it okay, which it isn't. Reading the
different things that are out there to help people who have been
victim of abuse really interested me because it made me realize that
if there are that many options for recovery, then I'm obviously not
alone in this pain, self-blame and self-hate. I have started talking
to people about what I went through and it really is helping.
The
biggest thing I will take away from this course is the things I can
share with others. With wanting to be in child and family services,
knowing the different signs to look for when looking for abusive
situations, whether it be in the kid or the parents. I'll also be
able to share the different ways they can get help for themselves.
This also goes for gender identity and relationships. If I have a
patient come in who is struggling with their gender identity, I know
things that I can now share and hopefully it will help. I also now
have stepping stones to being able to help people in relationships
and wanting to make their relationships stronger. Though I don't feel
this course helped me personally at this time, I think it will help
me in the long run in what I want to do as a career and it has also
helped me by giving me knowledge for things that could happen in the
future and helping me prepare for those unpredictable items and life
events."
