Found this in one of my old journals.

This is from a few months back:


                            "{So, though this will sound totally conceited, I swear it is far from.}
      You wanna know what I'm tired of, hearing that I'm easy to fall in love with. No joke. I'm so tired of hearing that guys fall in love with me.
     Only reason I'm tired of this is because its all these guys who think they know me, but really don't. They say I'm adorable, and that they could see themselves with me... this all comes before they even know my last name. I know that's a slight exaggeration but still.
     I know what its like to do not get a chance, but its hard for me to give a guy a chance when after the first time we hang out he text me every day saying he misses me and within three dates he's already "falling for me". Because of my past... I can't believe it. I know that's me being a total hypocrite because I'm one of those silly teens who believes in "love at first sight", but ya know what. I also don't think it happens right when you meet the person. My definition of "love at first sight" is totally different than how the majority of the world sees it.
     I think "love at first sight" is more knowing that there's a connection and that when you do fall in love with the person, you'll know. I still think you have to grow for the love though.
     I understand if I'm easily likeable. I understand if its easy to find me attractive and develop a crush. But I'm so tired of people misusing the word love and throwing it around like its a piece of candy.
     I guess I just need to find that right guy who will miss me, and grow to love me but isn't too clingy. Guess I just need that support and that guy I can go have fun with or have just as much fun by staying at home, sitting on the couch and watching movies. A guy who will let me be me and grow to love me for it."


Thought this post was interesting because it's still so true. Even when I'm finally with the guy I would kill to be with, it's hard for me because I'm used to guys falling head over heels for me and this one isn't. So now I'm curious opposite of this post: if I'm so easily loveable to everyone I don't want, why wont the guy who I want fall for me?



Go figure.

Recap

Hey there everyone, sorry I haven't been posting again. Life kinda blew up in my face AGAIN. Go figure. But thanks for sticking with me, I greatly appreciate it. Even though it's late right now (well, 10:489pm, that's late right?), I have had way too much sugar so luckily I'll be able to actually finish this post and not have to do a Recap 2.

So here's everything that has been going on:

School:
This blog was originally supposed to be about just this topic, my life through school... well, that changed didn't it. I guess I did call it "A Glimpse into This College Student's Life", so guess it is supposed to be more about my life while I'm in college? Hmm, who knows. Annnyway, so I'm still doing well in my classes, I'm glad to say.
The struggle was coming in with my financial aid. Oh my goodness, so beyond frustrating! I have been working on financial aid items since I started back into school (which was back in like February or so) and they seriously just got worked out and fixed last week! Phew, finally a huge weight off my shoulders. But oh man was it stressful.
What happened is that the accounts got switched between me and my dad because my dad has such a "feminine" name. Isn't that silly? Especially since you sign in using your social security number, it seems like it would be obvious who's account the information was supposed to go on, right? But anyway, finally got it all worked out so I have something actually going to the school that lessens my burden for now. As I said before: Phew!

Friends:
Oooooooh my friends. I don't even know anymore. I've started narrowing down which friends I actually tell things to because I started noticing rumors getting spread around and it just wasn't good.
So here's something I don't think I've shared yet. When I got back from Vegas, I was torn apart and really just felt alone. I was single and felt like I had failed everyone. So with that I became a HUGE flirt. I was kissing any guy I wanted and just "playing the field", and well now, the guys that were in that category in my life back then... want more. Which is NOT going to happen. Now reminder, I never did anything past kiss the guys, but now they're wanting to try to get me to do more?! I'm in a relationship! What kind of "friends" are these people? They all know I'm taken. It's seriously driving me crazy, so I've stopped talking to practically all of them.
As for my girls, as I've said, I've started narrowing down who knows what due to some rumors and gossip. It kind of sucks but I guess it is a part of life.

Life:
So in a few days (Thursday, in fact), I get to go back to Vegas. I'm so beyond excited. Though I am excited to get to go out to the bars and celebrate my 21st all over again, I'm honestly mostly excited to see all of my friends there. I miss them all so so much.
Other than that, life has been normal-ish (other than the other subtopics that are written about in this blog).

Health:
Found out today that my lovely infection is back. Whoo... I've already dropped four pounds due to it as well. Again, this is weight I don't have to lose in the first place so it's kind of scary. I'm back on medication to see if it helps and hopefully actually makes it leave my body this time *crossing my fingers*. It just sucks that the first round didn't fix it.
Hopefully I get better this time, I hate losing weight in an unhealthy manner, almost as much as I hate my body aching like it is. Hopefully getting out of town for a bit also helps with that. So please, send good thoughts my way.

Boyfriend:
Oh yes, the topic everyone adores because it's like a soap opera. Lol. Kidding... kinda.
So, in all honesty, a few weeks ago (November 18th, to be exact), my boyfriend and I got into a really intense discussion that in the midst of I thought we were actually going to break up. I cried so hard that night. I even figured out what I would do if him and I did break up because I don't think I would be able to stay living in this town if him and I did.
 He's the only person keeping me here, I know that sounds horrible but let me explain: I need to be home right now. I need to regain my strength and confidence so it is good that I am here. But I am such a traveler that me being in one place, especially a place that I spent practically 18 years of my life, gives me cabin fever like no other. So my boyfriend keeping me here is a good thing, not a guilt thing.
Anyway, our conversation: I had asked him if he was happy in the relationship just because I was curious. He gave me a totally honest answer saying that he's glad I'm his, but he has times where he wishes he was single. I totally understand that now, after the fact, but at that time... that sentence was heart breaking.
I figured out why though. I'm so used to the guys who do everything and anything for me, including lie to me about how they feel or what they think. They become my drones and will do whatever I ask of them. My boyfriend now on the other hand, isn't afraid to hurt my feelings or bring up conflict. Which is healthy in a relationship. I'd rather him be honest rather than try to protect my feelings.
So after that conversation we settled on the fact that we need to communicate more, I need to be more confident and he needs to show more interest. We each have our thing to work on and so far, we're doing great. The other night when I stayed at his house, we just watched movies and cuddled. It was seriously the best night I've had in a long time.
One of our conversations when we were watching the movie Hop:
Me: "I can't believe we're both in our early 20's, it's a Friday night and we're watching a children's movie"
Boyfriend: "It's not a children's movie, it has Russel Brand in it."
Later on in the movie:
*movie has a horribly childish joke that I laughed hysterically at*
Boyfriend: "You would be the one to laugh at a children's movie"
Me: "It's not a children's movie, remember, it has Russel Brand in it"
Boyfriend: "Of course, the ONE time you actually listen to me".
See, we're doing much better. :)
Even last night had a great example of how much better we are doing. I had been watching the movie Hall Pass. It is a movie where these wives go on vacation, giving their husbands a "hall pass" meaning that they could do whatever they wanted for the week, including act single. Now with me going to Vegas for a week here soon, I thought the following conversation between my boyfriend and I was cute:
Boyfriend: "Did your friend tell you to watch the movie because it's funny or because he wants you to have a hall pass?"
Me: "I am willing to bet just 'cause it's funny.
Boyfriend: "oky doky"
Me: "Why? Do you want a hall pass while I'm gone?"
Boyfriend: "Ha!!!!! No!"
In all honesty because of the conversation that had made me cry, I was half expecting him to say yes. I would have been so mad. But I was really happy he said yes.
As for today, it actually marks my boyfriend and I being together for three months. I took him a bag of cookies and he was just super cute the entire time I was visiting him at work. I like where him and I are now. It's a good place and it works for us.

So yeah, that's everything that has been going crazy. Hope this wasn't too much to read. I just hadn't posted in a bit so thought I'd catch ya'll up.

Birthday-ness

So I've been meaning to re-cap my birthday, but I haven't had the time, so here I am.
My mom and I went out the day before my birthday just to have a fun day and forgive each other for the fight the night before and it really helped bring down my stress level. We went and saw Pitch Perfect and just had fun, just her and I. We also talked about a lot of the stuff that's been going on and I hope we're on better ground now than how we were before.
Then came my actual birthday:
The big 21.
The day started off with eating chocolate chip waffles with my mom which was perfect. After that, I got all pretty and got my gift from my mom: black sparkly (knock off) uggs. Exactly what I wanted.
From there, my mom and I went to Applebee's for a Mudslide because I have wanted one since I was little, and to my surprise my boyfriend met up with us there. I was all smiles. We ate, I had my first drink, the Applebee's staff sang at me, then a choir who was eating there sang at me, then we went home. I was dog sitting for my neighbors so my boyfriend and I went to go play with the puppy and he gave me his gift: Oregon Ducks sweatshirt (as seen in picture). It is so soft and warm and big. I love it. He had joked for a week or two that it was going to be Beavers which he knows is my least favorite team.
After that, I went and picked up my best friend, who is like my brother, from work so he could go out with us. After that, we went and picked up pizza and went back to my house to get ready to go out.
We went to three bars. I had a Jack and Coke, which wasn't made correctly according to my mom, at the first bar. Then found a beer that was recommended to me called Angry Orchard. It's like a hard apple cider and was delicious.
It was my mom, my boyfriend, and two of my best friends and I going out. It was almost flawless other than some drama between one of my friends and her ex, which used to be my boyfriend's best friend so that caused a rather large bump in the fun road.
Other than that, it was just hard because that same best friend also acts very clingy to my boyfriend. She claims that it is a brother sister relationship, but she sat in between us almost all night. Who does that? So since I obviously wasn't going to get to sit next to my boyfriend (at the last bar especially), I started joking around with my "brother". We were singing at each other, while interpretively dancing with our hands and it was wonderful. If my "brother" hadn't been there, I probably would have had a horrible day due to my friend stealing all my boyfriend's attention from me.
Something that really brightened my day though, we were all singing a certain song and it got to the part of saying how they want a love like you, and we all pointed at different people so I pointed at my boyfriend and he smiled like how he used to smile at me back in high school. I hadn't seen that smile in a bit so it gave me chills.
After we got tired of the bars and just wanted sleep, we dropped my "brother" off at his house and then came back to my house. My boyfriend, friend and I went over to the house I was dog sitting at and slept there. That is where my birthday took a strange turn.
They were both talking about how they were sleeping in the bed with me, so I spoke up and said "whoever can carry me to the bed can sleep in the bed with me". My friend tried but failed, and of course my boyfriend did it without any issues. So I was happy that I would get to cuddle with my boyfriend all night... little did I know that my friend was going to sleep in the bed too. So there we all were, three in the bed. And if that wasn't strange enough, not only was she clinging to him at the bars, she cuddled up to him in the bed too! I almost got up to sleep on the couch.
It's hard to not read anything into that.

Then the next day, I got to celebrate a little more because my dad wanted to take me out and get me a drink, so after my dance class (I got a new student! He's paying for private lessons and I adore him! He's so eager!), I went and met up with my dad, his wife and a few family friends from church. We went to Olive Garden which is my favorite place. I got a strawberry daiquiri and it was delicious. It was nice being with my dad, he acted like he used to before we became distant. His wife was reasonably nice too. It was just all around a good night.

So that's the wrap up of both nights. Neither were bad, but I would change a few things here and there. But you know, sometimes you just have to let things go. (I do want your opinions on my friend cuddling up to my boyfriend all evening if you have any.)
I'm excited for my birthday trip to Vegas, my friend took the whole week off of work. He told me that and I almost cried. I miss Vegas and all my friends. I'm beyond excited to be going back.

Bah!

So this is where I am.
It is the day before my birthday, and usually the week before my birthday is my favorite week ever. I have tons of fun and have a week straight of glorious days. Yeah, not this year. This year, my birthday week has sucked so bad to where I'm seriously not looking forward to my 21st birthday. After this week, I'm just done and over it.
So let's recap this week:
Monday: Okay, so this day was decent. Nothing major happened. Got a call from my school saying that my PLUS loan still hasn't gone through so had to figure all that cruddy stuff out. Also, washed the cars (mine and my mom's) with my mom... then found out my car wouldn't start. Wheee... so my neighbor helped us clean the battery and jump it. It started, so we moved it to the carport so it could get a bath.
Tuesday: This was my dad's birthday. I wanted to surprised him at work with a CD that I made him and his card. Went out to do that, car wouldn't start. UGH! My mom's boyfriend tried to help but I was so irritated because I don't have the money to fix my car... so he went out and bought me a car battery for my birthday. Was able to give my dad his gifts and go see my boyfriend for a little bit.
Wednesday: Had an interview and got the job, Whoo, right? Nothing wrong with that? Then I went to work at the dance studio. Was there for two hours and my student didn't show up. Come to find out, she quit without letting me know. Wheee...
Thursday: All was fine and dandy, got to see my uncle, work at the studio was great, came home asked mom for the information I needed so I could get my PLUS loan done. and we get in a yelling match. Good day ruined.
and now here we are, Friday. I've decided to not move from my bed 'cause this is the day before my birthday and it HAS to be good. I deserve at least one good day, right?
I'm seriously wishing it wasn't 12:40am and that it wasn't super shady to go out right now 'cause I could really use a good run. But nope.
I can't sleep either 'cause of the fight with my mom. This just sucks.

Health

Hey all,
so I thought I had kicked all the health issues in the butt, but ends up I'm down for the count again. Bleh.
I have been freezing cold all day, and can't seem to get warm. Took my temperature: 99.2. I know that isn't insanely high, but since my normal "healthy" temperature is under the average, anything above is concerning.
On top of that, I'm realizing how much media has changed society's view on weight loss. Since my infection, I had lost a lot of weight and in a very unhealthy way due to not eating. I'm at my weight goal of 135 which is a healthy weight for me, as long as my body is healthy. But since I got here in an unhealthy way, my body seems to be shutting down. I have almost passed out and my appetite is gone. I have been forcing myself to eat. The reason why I say that media has changed society's view on this subject is because all of my friends and my "myfitnesspal" friends/motivators are all congratulating me! What even?!
I've explained to them that there is no reason to congratulate me on losing this weight since it wasn't in a healthy way. But yet, they say it's the numbers that count! Not even! I'd rather be at this weight, but by being lean and eating clean, rather than being here due to an illness that caused me to not eat. People these days. So concerned with being skinny that they don't really care about their bodies. I know I'm not out of shape and don't need to lose weight, and to me it isn't about losing the weight, its about gaining the muscle. I want my muscle back and to do that I need to work out and eat clean. This will cause some weight loss, but in a healthy way.
Anyway, I'm in bed, trying to get warm. I'm wishing my boyfriend was here so I could cuddle up to him, but he's still at work and I don't think he's stopping by afterwards. :/ Things seem off again.
Send positive thoughts my way please, I need to get better. My birthday is this coming Saturday! I turn 21! I can't miss that!

A little teary eyed.

So, lets get straight to this.
My sophomore year, I was dating this guy named Adam. His and my relationship lasted most of sophomore year and about half of junior year. He was my first love, in all honesty.
So this guy is why my edgyness towards relationships come in. This guy broke my heart more times than I could count and yet, I kept going back to him like a little lost puppy. I fell so hard for this guy, it was ridiculous.
My sophomore year, I went and visited to him after talking for about 3 or 4 months on the phone. When I was there, the world froze. Nothing mattered to me but him. After that trip... we were perfect. Even though he lived 4 hours away from me, it seemed to not matter. We talked on the phone every night, he would talk to me until I fell asleep.
He was always there.
Then he got in a car wreck, I thought I lost him. I cried for days  because he was in the hospital and had no way to talk to him. Luckily for me, I was able to talk to his sister and she really kept me in the loop about everything. Within a few months, he was back on his feet and back doing his firefighting.
The new years of my senior year, I went to go visit him again because we were supposed to start dating again. Little did I know that would be the last time I saw him let alone talked to him. The trip went really well until the last day, he broke my heart. I text him a few months later just to see if we could patch things up like we used to... he was engaged and expecting a kid.
I cried for days and there was no getting me out of the depression. I stopped eating, I rarely hung out with my friends nad it was hard for me to sleep. I would replay his messages on my phone over and over until I could sleep.
Needless to say, I was in a horrible place. But that's over now. I've grown. As much as I loved Adam, and though he will always have a special place in my heart, I know he wasn't the one I was supposed to be with forever.
Now is my chance to move on and find my "forever".
Hopefully, when it gets to that time... they are patient and understanding.