Piece by Piece: Anxiety and HSP today's episode

Want a look at how my anxiety and HSP (hyper sensitive person) plays together?

No, of course you don't, but here you are so now you'll get a glimpse.

These last few days have been a roller coaster from my emotions and I finally had enough. I am a teacher, so I am "laid off" during the month of August. The start of this roller coaster: I tried to apply for unemployment yesterday

(again, thinking it would be different since I have a different employer than I did last time)

and was pretty much told "no" because I'd have to have my previous employer on it as well... 

which, if you read my post "Rant", you'd know why this isn't an option.

So, that hit hard because unless my friends have need for a babysitter, or I get any photography gigs, I will not have any income for the month of August. 

I cried because that is really daunting and hard to swallow with not knowing how I will be paying my bills for an entire month.

I cried because I've been feeling like I keep falling down and when I finally feel like I'm able to start standing up, something or someone comes and pushes me back down... then while I'm down, I continuously get kicked. I feel beaten, bruised and battered to a pulp. 

I just want something good to happen.

I just want a break.

Then today, I was expecting to receive my new fridge

after waiting for a month since my old one died

YAY for renting from a company....

I'm still not a happy camper about it.

then when the place who was supposed to be delivering the fridge was called this morning, they said they had absolutely no record of a fridge being delivered today or in the near future. Since this has been a chore and a half to even get a fridge ordered, this didn't surprise me so we made plans to go out and run a few errands. This sounded great since I had been home most of the week with being off of work. 

Once it was time to start getting ready, 

we got a call about our fridge getting delivered around 1pm.

Yay, for finally having a new fridge, but my mind had already accepted that we weren't getting it today and had moved on to being excited about getting out of the house, of which my mind was now processing as 

not going to happen 

so I broke. I didn't cry again which was nice, but I had to escape. I ended up in my bed upstairs. I couldn't process it anymore. There was too much up and down for my mind to process as quickly as it was happening and it was causing my anxiety to go insane. 

In the end, we still had time to go out and run errands plus we have a new fridge so it all worked out but at the time, my mind wasn't seeing clearly so I broke. I shut down, I needed a break away from the world. My body, heart and mind hurt which can start to cause it to actually hurt. I got a stomach ache almost instantly, and my body has been hurting and aching to the point where I can't get comfortable. 

This is just a peak into how silly my anxiety can be and it is escalated due to my HSP so it feels so much worse. 

I end up feeling crazy, absolutely insane...

once I process and come back to the real world that is.

I'm doing better, and I'm going to keep moving forward.

It was a rough patch.

August is going to be good.

Piece By Piece Collection

Hey you guys,
so I am not sure who all is still with me, who is new or if I am just writing this to feel better within myself. None the less, I thought I'd give you all a little deeper look into who I am. I'm calling it "Piece by Piece" and within this collection of posts I'm going to talk about the fact that I struggle with

• Acute Stress Disorder (ASD)
•  Anxiety
• Acute Depression
• Hyper Sensitivity (HSP)

I know I have made a post about my HSP previously, but its been awhile and with such an "uncommon" part of myself, I feel like I have learned more and have more to share just within those years. I know so many people post about their anxiety and depression, but I am going to try to add a new twist to it....

we will see what happens.

Along with those, I'm going to talk about a few different experiences I have had in my life that effect me daily, some of which I have never talked about with a lot of people, these will be hard for me to write, and I will try to put as much trigger warnings to them as I can without giving the whole post away within the warning - I gotta keep you reading, that's the whole point, right?

I'll also talk about a few different relationships I have had in my life.
Piece by Piece, you'll be learning more about me, so that we can connect and I wont just be another person ranting online.

While I've decided to pick up my blogging again, I've also decided that I want to use it as a way to reach out to people, help people, educate people and be a friend to those who feel alone. So, through these posts, please be mindful of each other in the comments and mindful that I am a real person. I read the comments when I get them, be kind, be thoughtful and be loving.

I'll be starting this collection in the next few posts....

they'll be titled "piece by piece:" so that you know....

 so I'll see you soon then. 

Where am I

Let's be honest, 
over the last year, I have truly lost myself.

• My marriage got torn apart
• I was incredibly unstable 
• and turned... again.... to self harm as a form of something I could control. 

Everything went downhill so fast and I couldn't stop it. I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't find a way to make the light. Everything just hurt and I had no safe place to heal.

So, my plan was to move back to Vegas. Start my life over in a city I loved, in a city where I knew people so I wouldn't be alone and in a city where none of the bad things that were happening could or would follow me. 

Obviously, since I am still in Oregon, that didn't happen. 

I instead became very reclusive. Buried myself in school and my jobs. Then I graduated, and I just buried myself further into work, leaving no time for people because people = hurt in my mind at the time. The more people I let in, the more hurt I was becoming because everyone had their own opinions of what was going on and how I should be handling it. I was being torn in every which direction, torn from limb to limb. 

My depression go really bad. If I wasn't working, I was in my pajamas either in bed or on the couch. I would leave to go get my nails done once a month, but other than that... the world was just a big ball of nope, nu-uh, not happening. Even that hurt because I like being social, I like people... but I was terrified because of everything that had been happening. There were now people who I thought were friends who hated me because I made different choices than they would have. The thing with that is, they had never been in the position I was in. The lying that was happening, the hiding things, the yelling, arguing.... in all parts of my life. I just wanted to run, to feel safe... to heal. But apparently, that was bad and made me a bad person. 

After almost a year of all of that, my life is still pretty not-so-great, but its on the uphill battle now. I am working on me, working to make new friends (thanks to some lovely women for having reached out and made me step out of my comfort zone), and am working really hard on just doing what feels right to me without much concern of how others feel about it. They don't live my life and don't see the world as I do, if I am a bad person because I decided to not treat people poorly, play high school games and continue to spread drama/gossip/rumors then I guess I am the worst person you'll ever meet... and honestly,

I am okay with that

because I know that I am a good person, a good friend, a good daughter and can only be who I am. I lost myself so much that I was trying to fill these rolls in order to fit in, in order to have certain people like me but even when I was exactly what they wanted, they were still talking about me behind my back. 

My life is getting better, I get to be an aunt to so many amazing kiddos who really keep me going and encourage me so that I can be a role model to them. I get to be an daughter and step daughter to people who love me. I get to be a sister, a fighter for whats right, an ally, a confidant, a listening ear, a strong shoulder.... I get to be the person I had been missing, who I let get pushed back into the darkness. But, she's slowly coming out again. I have volunteered with a few great organizations, haven't self harmed in over 6 months, cut back on the drinking (actually gave up alcohol for Lent), have started working out more. I started a job that puts me back working with kids and start back into school this fall.
Things will be okay, things always work out...

Rant

So, I haven't posted in a few years, so hello. I will make another post about some updates, but this one is just because I need to rant for a few.

I just recently left a retail job that I greatly enjoyed. The job was wonderful, and my coworkers were amazing. 

"Well then, why did you leave?"

Because my supervisor, who also happened to be the owner... and it sucks, because I was good at the job, loved my position, customer base and was learning a lot.
My supervisor just didn't see any of that, sadly, even after having been there over a year and a half. 

So, I left and even worse, I don't feel like it was on good terms like I had hoped. I had done the proper thing with having given my two weeks and had agreed to stay longer if needed in order to help train and finish up a few events that we were going to be at. Then something happened, and my supervisor ended up letting me go because he felt as if I had been lying to him. The thing with that is, I hadn't. I still can say I hadn't. There was no reason for me to lie, and any time I had done something wrong previously, I had owned up to it. That is who I am. 

Now, the supervisor is really good at aspects of his job, in my opinion, management isn't one of them. The way he would speak to people would make them cry, fear him and all around feel like complete shit (excuse my language). There were a few instances where he would talk down about me either to or in front of customers, to the point where said customers no longer wanted to work with me because I "didn't know what I was doing" but was good at my job "because I'm pretty". 

EXACT QUOTES!

The first part of that always hit me funny when it was said because I had never formally been trained. I started and not even two weeks later, the person training me left the state for 4 months. I trained myself with the help of a binder that was left by the person before me. If it wasn't in the binder, I taught it to myself. So, if I "didn't know what I was doing", it was because I wasn't doing it their way because I had received maybe two weeks of training. I was proud of everything I had figured out on my own and was even able to re-write the training binder before I left to include even more knowledge to help out whoever would work behind the counter.

 Now, I don't want to go into everything that was wrong with this, because honestly... I don't have the energy or care enough to type it all out again. There are many people who left this place of employment who would have a similar story to mine, and sadly, there will probably be many more to come.

ANYWAYS..... 

The real reason for my rant is how ridiculous the Oregon Employment System is. 

Before leaving my position, I had already found another job with a great company, problem was that I was not sure when I was going to start, it was guaranteed that I wouldn't start for at least a month (which worked out great until my previous supervisor had decided to let me go due to my "lying" because then I would have only been unemployed for a couple weeks - 1 of those weeks I was in Vegas), but since I had been let go early from my position, I filed for temporary unemployment. I went through all the steps and jumped through all of the hoops and since I had technically left my place of employment, let me tell you.... there were a lot of steps and hoops! I had gotten an email saying that I had been approved to collect unemployment until I started my new job, as long as I kept doing all of the proper stepping and hoop jumping and finished my "welcome process". I did all of this. 

Then I get a phone call, I had to give statements as to why I left my position, which is fine until they say that my previous supervisor will be hearing my statements - which I had been informed were recorded. This is where things started to go downhill. Due to the conditions I worked in, who my supervisor is as a person and how things ended, I was not comfortable with this so I had to deny my unemployment and figure out something else in order to make it until I could start my new job.

Disappointing, but fine.

I am nothing if not resourceful.

Due to the things I had seen and had been subject to, I had also filed with BOLI under "whistle blowing". 

This is where things become not so fine.

I spent 2 hours on the phone, four emails, countless forms of proof and was able to provide witnesses to all aspects of what I was claiming... but, in order to process the claim, the previous supervisor gets to read all of the statements and my name is plastered all over the paperwork!

"I thought I had checked the box for this to be anonymous due to not feeling comfortable/safe with the supervisor know who was filing"

"Well, the anonymous part is that we don't provide your address or phone number"

"He already has that in my employee records"

".....yeah....unless he got rid of them or you move and change your number"

Even after she has heard the forms of retaliation that happened while I was there -whether towards me or that I had witnessed towards my coworkers- even after she had heard all of the things I was bringing up, read the messages and heard the recordings... I would still have to agree to risk more retaliation by letting my prior supervisor hear/see everything and have my name plaster all over it!

Thanks for keeping your employees safe, BOLI. Instead, everything that you now have on file will keep happening because I can't risk more retaliation, so now it is on your hands that more people get to endure what I told you. 

UGH!

What the ever living $%^# am I doing?

I don't even know what I am doing anymore. Nothing I try to do goes right, I destroy lives of those around me and I make everyone absolutely miserable. I have lost my love and passion for everything - photography, dance, writing, drawing... literally everything. And I can tell that I am slowly ruining my marriage, and we haven't even been married a year, so that's fun. My life is exploding and I'm imploding. I wish I wasn't here... I wish I could just go away so that everything would be better for everyone I care about. I know I'm a burden, I know I'm useless since I don't help in any way shape or form... and I know that I am never good enough. I am always second choice. My heart hurts right now. I lost where I used to dance, I've lost my confidence and I'm slowly losing everything that means anything to me. I am being pushed out of my job - whether intentional or not, I don't know. I don't talk to my mom or sister anymore. And I have totally destroyed my husband's life. He doesn't talk to any of his family, he's lost all of his friends and it is all because of me. I am the only one to blame, and I know that. Everyone tries to tell me differently, but I know better. I'm toxic. I've been told that my entire life. I take things for granted until they have nothing left to give. Why am I even still here?

"Exploring careers in psychology" - Assignment

Psychology, the study of the human mind and the mental characteristics of a person or group. So many side points to that simple definition intrigued me enough to want to go to school and become a psychology major. Something I never thought about, though, was the different benefits my field held for my future. I chose the field I did because it interested me, and I enjoyed the thought as well as the -what I would say- benefit of the job in the knowledge that I would be helping others in their lives. Something that I didn't count on was having to find a field within my field. I figured psychology covered it all, I didn't think about the differences between a military therapist compared to a child therapist and the financial difference between them all as well. I feel like many people look into the financial benefit of going to school to major in their desired field, and there is some truth to this. Knowing the difference in the annual income can really help people decide what they are going to go to school for precisely rather than something generic - such as me thinking that getting a degree in psychology covered it all rather than thinking to specify and get my doctorate. According to Psychology Today “the median annual salary of bachelor's level psychology majors was $30,00” versus in 2010 where the starting salary was $36,400. (Whitebourne). With this number changing annually, the median pay for psychologist in 2015 was $34.89 an hour. That hourly wage compared to the $9.50 for minimum age in Oregon, would be a rather large benefit and motivation to earn a degree. I feel like a huge benefit is that there is on the job training. To finish with a degree in psychology, you do have to complete an internship or residency. I feel like this is a large benefit because students get to dip their toes in the water and see what it is like to be in the field but still have the help of a mentor a long the way. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) If a student feels overwhelmed in their internship, they might learn that the field they are working on isn't what they are meant to do. Something might look great on paper and the school work might seem easy, but until you are actually working in the field, I feel like there is no true way to know exactly what it is like to do the job. The largest benefit in majoring in psychology is the what the diploma says. To many people, that diploma means that they can trust you to do your job and as a psychologist, that trust in the client is important. It is a field based on trust, communication and respect. For someone to put the effort in going to school and getting educated in their field shows clients that they worked for their title and have an education to back what they are saying. For the two fields I keep vacillating between, that trust is important. I am interested in both the field of being a child psychologist and a family therapist. For a child psychologist, they are studying the social processes and behavior of a child. From that they are learning how the child reacts and relates to other people and their surrounding environment. Child psychologist do have the option of working independently in their own practice, or they can collaborate with different programs, including schools, other counselors or social workers. In this field, in 2015 the median pay was $34.89 per hour which totals $72,580 per year. To obtain a job in the field of a child psychologist, a doctoral degree is typically needed, though in a few areas a masters will suffice as well as obtaining a license. On the other hand, there's the option of family therapist. In this field the therapist is helping their clients overcome different problems that are affecting the family or other relationships in the client's life. From there, the therapist finds different things that can help the client improve their relationships and lives. It is more common to see family therapists in a mental health center or in their own private practice. Compared to the child psychologist job, a family therapists median pay in 2015 was $20.77 an hour and $43,190 per year. (Bureau of Labor Statistics) To find a job as a family therapist, all that is required in an internship, a masters and a license to have their practice. If I were to compare the two, you would see that there are a few similarities and many differences. Both positions main goal is to understand and be able to identify and explain the emotions and behaviors of their clients and how the behaviors are affecting their lives as well as the lives around them. With this, both positions have to do a few different studies of the behavior and functions of their clients to identify what the exact reason for the conflict is. As I said, though there are a few similarities, there seem to be many more differences. Psychologist are more about the observation, studies and collection of research and information to identify the patterns in their clients behavior and thought patterns. Psychologist are looking to understand the client's thoughts, behavior and feelings so that they can later use their research to support their theories about different disorders or the underlying problem in their client's life. Psychologist often only have one person per session and will focus primarily on that person. (Bureau of Labor Statistics (2) ) While family therapists are more focused on teaching their clients tools and techniques so that their client can use the tools in their lives to manage their disorders, or problems in their lives and relationships. Therapists are focused on anything that can be affecting their clients from low self esteem to mental and emotional disorders. The therapist help their clients take steps to cope with different situations and can help refer them to other support groups or tools in their community. Family therapists are more family centered versus being focused more on an individual as a psychologist would be. In the end, I chose psychology as my major because I enjoy helping people, all money and statistics aside. I chose to look more into specified degrees in a child or family setting because I feel like that is more a field I'd be the most help in. Now I just need to do my research and find exactly what field and degree I want and need to follow my dream. Citations Whitbourne, S. K. (2012, September 11). The Top 10 Reasons to Major in Psychology. Retrieved June 13, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201209/the-top-10-reasons-major-in-psychology Bureau of Labor Statistics, U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Mental Health Counselors and Marriage and Family Therapists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/community-and-social-service/mental-health-counselors-and-marriage-and-family-therapists.htm (visited June 13, 2016). Bureau of Labor Statistics (2), U.S. Department of Labor, Occupational Outlook Handbook, 2016-17 Edition, Psychologists,  on the Internet at http://www.bls.gov/ooh/life-physical-and-social-science/psychologists.htm (visited June 13, 2016).

Well, welcome back!

Hey all you lovely lovely people, I hope I haven't lost all of you guys! Who is still here with me? Roll call? Kidding.... kinda. Well, after taking over a year off, I guess I have a lot of catching up to do since A LOT has happened. So, a year ago I dropped out of school to take a break. I was tired, felt mistreated and was really battling depression and was greatly battling anxiety. Let me tell you, not fun. So, I'm sorry that I've been missing for so long. But I am happy to say that I am back and in full force! Expect to be seeing a new post on each blog about once a week. ;) Annnnyway, I'm happy to report that I am currently working in a daycare as a teacher, and totally love it. Its my first week this week, but I feel more at home than I have in awhile at any other job. I also get back into school on the 19th of this month to continue my battle for my psychology degree. But, in my every day life SO much has changed! So, lets start. I have a new guy in my life, and I guess you could say things are pretty serious, as we are engaged and are looking at a wedding this coming September. He's pretty neat, I guess.... but you can read more about that mushy gushy relationshipy stuff on my other blog (http://greatapartandwonderfultogether.blogspot.com/) I'm really excited about all of it and he's a great change from my last few relationships. Currently we are in the process of buying a house, which is pretty adult for a 24 year old... if I do say so myself. He moved in last year with his amazing boxer, so then we had two dogs - thanks to my chihuahua - in our lovely house. and then last week, we welcomed another fur-baby into the house and she is just a love. Annoying and doesn't know how to play gentle yet, but a total cuddle bug. She's a wonderful mutt, but is mostly Australian Shepard and Boston Terrier. Personally, I've gone through a lot. Between battling my depression and anxiety. I have lost a great man in my life due to cancer and also found out that my grandmother's cancer is back and this time... its kicking her butt. So if you have some extra room for good thoughts and prayers, please send them to her. She's a very strong woman and I'm having a hard time coping with the fact she might not make it to my wedding day. Other than that, things are going well. My depression has subsided for the most part, with small episodes here and there. My anxiety doesn't rule my life, and I rarely have panic attacks anymore. I'm out of the world of retail, of which I've been in since 2013ish. I have a man who loves me and a wedding in a few months... Only thing that could make it better is knowing that all you lovely people haven't given up on me. Have a great night, lovelies.